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Original poster

I've just made the decision not to see my dying mother again and need a handhold

105 replies

ChilliHobnobs · 13/10/2018 18:48

She has advanced dementia, multiple organ failure and incurable cancer. I have had to decide whether to fly home to see her in the next few days before she dies and have decided not to. I feel awful about my decision but for practical reasons it is really not the right thing to do [sad[

OP posts:
littlebillie · 15/10/2018 17:57

Well I have been there and op came on asking to help. It took a lot for write about the end of my DD and some has the absolute gall to write FFS!! FFS!!! Really your insensitivity is appalling. If you ask for comments on MN you get sometimes things you don't want to hear. I wasn't unpleasant or unkind and as usual the trolls are out for a sound bite Angry

It brought me great peace to see my DD and really your judging of my comments are pathetic

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 15/10/2018 18:25

littlebillie- no, she didn't come on asking for help, or opinions about her decision. The decision she has already made. She asked for support in THAT decision.

I am reporting you to HQ for daring to suggest that people who think you are wrong are trolls.

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 15/10/2018 18:57

@boolala12 Don't worry, I guessed.
Trampire Flowers
Littlebillie - I didn't see your messages but Flowers to you for the loss of your DD.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 15/10/2018 19:08

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. You need to do what is best for you. Your mother will pass and nothing you do will change that. You need to look after yourself, because your emotional health will affect your children.

Two of my sister in laws last saw my husband, a few weeks before he died. I new that one of them could not have coped with seeing him as ill as he was and would not have wanted to view his body (Irish wake). I completely supported their unspoken decision, as they are wonderful Sil’s in other ways.

picklepost · 15/10/2018 20:08

littlebillie disagreeing is not trolling. I can see that comprehension is not your strong point.
I'm really not interested in your "story", irrelevant. Not everything is about you.

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 16/10/2018 02:21

I feel like I can't cope with this, I haven't slept yet tonight and can't get to sleep. I've got to do a work presentation this morning that is to important people. 

OP posts:
acivilcontract · 16/10/2018 02:30

Don't worry adrenaline will get you through your presentation. I am sorry your sleep is being impacted by this. As a pp said your mother will pass and you can't change that. Try and be kind to yourself.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 02:32

Chilli the main thing right now is to look after yourself (I presume uk time?)
You’re going through a bloody shit storm here.
Snuggle up and try to get a few hours sleep. If you’re not up for it in the morning then that’s ok, you’re not superwoman.
First thing tho is sleep

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 16/10/2018 02:51

Yes uk time. I can't get to sleep, I've got a headache, backache, feel sick and cramps. Getting a hard time from family about my decision.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 16/10/2018 08:09

Oh darling.... you are doing what is best for your little people. If your mum was a decent mum (like you are) that is what she would want you to do. My mother was also a selfish person. When she was dying, any semblance of a filter that hid that side of herself for her adoring public fell away. She was absolutely horrific! She was horrible to me, horrible to my lovely auntie and horrible to my kids. I had to take my children away from her. I put them on a plane and took them to the house we were moving into (long story) and we were eating yummy food at a market in the sunshine. I was drinking sangria with my lovely husband and my cousin (who totally understands because he’s lived it too). I received a phone call to say that her breathing had changed and I needed to get on a plane NOW, and it was just too late. She died as we were getting into the über to go to the airport and I was overwhelmingly relieved. Not everyone gets a Disney goodbye. Not everyone has a conscience to clear like in the movies. You are beating yourself up even though you ARE clearly caring. Big hugs, OP. You are still being kind!!!

boolala12 · 16/10/2018 08:15

Hope the presentation goes ok. Try to ignore the family this is your choice be you've made it and I think the right one. Thanks it's so easy for others to judge when they're not the ones in your shoes and don't know your mum how you do.

Thenewdoctor · 16/10/2018 08:19

Oh sweetheart. Do the right thing by yourself and fuck any of the rest of them. Don’t let them give you a hard time.

I was with my mother when she died and the images still haunt me. I still have nightmares. I wish I hadn’t been there I wish I hadn’t gone.

So, it’s not always the right thing to go, even when you didn’t have a bad relationship.

acivilcontract · 16/10/2018 13:43

OP unless this family are offering to look after your DC and fund the cost of the plane tickets and hotel stay for you I wouldn't concern myself with their thoughts.
I hope you got through your day okay.

nicknamenoname · 16/10/2018 14:31

Just here to give you a hand-hold Chilli

I was in a very similar position to you, five years ago and made the decision not to travel to be with my mother in her final days. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that I've never once regretted that decision. It was the right thing for me and my DCs.

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 16/10/2018 17:21

Thanks. The boss was happy with the presentation I did.

OP posts:
ILovePierceBrosnan · 16/10/2018 17:31

My mum has dementia. I face the fact I may get it as my grandmother also had it.

What I absolutely know with certainty is that if I get it to the state that I can’t work out who is who, when is now, what is going on I’d like to be allowed to pass away. What’s more as I love my DC so very very much I’d like them to live their lives guilt free and not visiting me. Put your young children first.

XingMing · 20/10/2018 22:03

Life is about your children now. The future, not the past. It has to be that way. Flowers

chrissie28 · 21/10/2018 13:33

I am amazed at how quickly people jump on others. Everyone has an opinion and the fact that someone posts on here means they are open to anyone's opinion. Bumble wasn't harsh - s/he was simply expressing an opinion. If people don't want opinions then they shouldn't post on open sites - any excuse for people to jump eh! Play nice you never know what someone else has experienced.

OhTheRoses · 21/10/2018 13:43

OP I don't know if anyone has said this. My mother sat with my gran for 22 hours at the end. Eventually the nurse told her to go home and get some sleep.

My best friend did the same with her mother and was eventually persuaded she needed a break.

Both their mothers had advanced dementia. Both their mother's had died by the time they got home Both were told there is a well known phenomena known by nurses who deal with end of life care that very often a mother cannot let go while their most loved other is with them.

Be at peace with yourself, it is what yoyr mum will want and what you will want for for your children when the time comes.

With love Flowers

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 21/10/2018 15:09

You perhaps fortunately didn't read bumble's deleted comments Chrissy.

FlyMaybe · 21/10/2018 15:18

Handhold here, OP. 

I've walked in your shoes, with my late father.

For Bumble 

FlyMaybe · 21/10/2018 15:19

Oops don't know what happened there.

For OP 

For Bumble 

FlyMaybe · 21/10/2018 15:21

Oh Jesus. My emojis aren't working. Third time lucky, hopefully.

For OP - flowers

For Bumble - biscuit

AutumnalFeelings · 21/10/2018 16:01

littlebillie disagreeing is not trolling. I can see that comprehension is not your strong point.
I'm really not interested in your "story", irrelevant. Not everything is about you.

What an absolutely disgusting thing to say to a mother describing the loss of her DD. You should be ashamed of yourself.

AwkwardSquad · 21/10/2018 16:16

We often want there to be a right answer and a wrong answer, a clear course of action. But life just isn’t like that. It’s complicated and it’s messy. All we can do is make the best decision we can at the time, with the resources we have available to us at the time. And that includes emotional as well as financial resources.

OP, you’re doing the best you can for all the people you care for. You nee yo to care for yourself, too. It’s okay, whatever you decide.