I've just made the decision not to see my dying mother again and need a handhold

[ChilliHobnobs]

She has advanced dementia, multiple organ failure and incurable cancer. I have had to decide whether to fly home to see her in the next few days before she dies and have decided not to. I feel awful about my decision but for practical reasons it is really not the right thing to do [sad[

*need to

She was talking about her dad, not daughter.

OP, my mum passed away in a hospice - I was there, but I want to reassure you that the staff will take wonderful care of your mother.

My grandmother had Alzheimer’s, as does my DH’s grandfather - he gets very distressed when he sees my DH as he has no idea who he is now. In your position I would do the same. Sending

or perhaps I did , as I said in my original post you don't know online what others do or don't do or what they experience. Some people on here are jumping on others just for the sake of it - it's pretty obvious and very unnecessary and very unkind

@BumbleBored shame on you.

My DF had dementia at the end he had no idea who we were. No idea.

It was heartbreaking. I was with him when he died but hadn't seen him for 4 months before. I feel no guilt.

I would tell my children to do what they had to for themselves and their own emotional well being. No pressure because your mum - the essence of her - is no longer there.

So sorry op it's an awful situation to be in. I can't offer any advice as such but possible reassurance. I have worked with people living with dementia for some years now, and I find that when people progress they can become unrecognizable to loved ones, however as a carer working day in day out with someone you get a good idea of who they are 'now' such as likes and dislikes, what they may find distressing and what helps to keep them calm. I have spent many hours just holding a hand or reading even singing to people in their last days and hours. My secret weapon has always been a large repertoire of old songs etc and I find most people will have that one song that puts them in a good place. One lady I cared for was very agitated and refused food and medication etc unless I held her hand and walked around singing pack up your troubles. She would smile broadly and dance away. So basically what I'm saying is your mum is not alone, there will be people who know her and I will even say love her! The effects of dementia on relatives can be terrible and very real, you need to look after yourself and be kind to yourself