I've just made the decision not to see my dying mother again and need a handhold

[ChilliHobnobs]

She has advanced dementia, multiple organ failure and incurable cancer. I have had to decide whether to fly home to see her in the next few days before she dies and have decided not to. I feel awful about my decision but for practical reasons it is really not the right thing to do [sad[

Mrs8 - thank you, from all of us. x

I did the same OP and I have no regrets. My mother wanted to die alone and she did. I can't say it was easy but it was right for us. I don't understand why some people think everyone should rush to the bedside of a dying relative, much better to spend time with them when they're well.

You are NOT a terrible daughter OP. You really aren’t. This is an awful decision to have to make. You have your own kids to think about. Even if you could take them wouldn’t it be hard on them and mean you couldn’t concentrate on your mother?
You’ve made the only decision that really makes sense. She won’t be alone. She will be cared for.
Look after yourself OP.

I told my dcs tonight how Ill she is 

Sending you good wishes OP. Please don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry.

Please be kind to yourself op. X

Oh it's incredibly painful chilli - we're with you...

Really embarrassed myself yesterday, cried in Tesco car park after bumbles comments. Got in a state and didn't phone my mum because I knew I'd cry down the phone at her and that would confuse and upset her.

Chilli, please try to put Bumble’s words out of your mind. That is one person’s opinion. They are not you and their relationship with their mother is not the same as yours. You are doing nothing wrong. 💐

Oh please will people who had lovely fairytale relationships with their parents stop projecting on the OP. I'm sure if her mother was half the person your dad was, the situation would now be very different.

OP only you know the finer intricacies of your relationship as well as your own circumstances. Therefore I believe you that you have made the right decision. Your children are your priority. You are an amazing person, and while no decision like this is without its What Ifs, you're allowed to feel sad about your decision whilst also knowing it's the right one.

Please go, my DD had dementia and massive confusion had was very fragile. The last time I saw him alive he recognised me and asked about my DCs. Someone told me that the brain has a reprieve before death and I swear it was the most beautiful of moments

That doesn’t always happen and it’s cruel to suggest that it does.

The op has made her decision. Telling her to “please go” isn’t kind.

I agree. Unkind and unhelpful.

for you OP. Such a hard decision but I'm sure it's right for you.

I wasn't with my beloved dad when he died 18 months ago. He had cancer and died at home. My Mum was with him 24 hours a day, and my sister just made it home from abroad the day before he died.

He was asleep on morphine for 95% of the time.

I live 5 hours away and have school age children. For the past few weeks I'd been driving to my parents on a Friday night and coming back on a Sunday late. LOTS of hours in the car.

To be honest, the last time I visited I went to kiss Dad goodbye. He woke up briefly and said "You take care and call me when you get back". It was so him. Somehow I knew that was the last time I'd see him alive and somehow, even though my heart was broken, I was at peace with it.

Sending you vibes for strength and peace for the coming days OP.

Bumble you're doing the right thing. X Mrs8 thanks for what you do

FWIW chilli I think you have made the right decision. Xx

FFS littlebillie the OP has explained she has decided not to go. She. Isn't. Going. She is feeling very sad. She is asking for support.

Do you know what support means? It means listening and respecting her decision. It does not mean telling her to change her plans and do what you did.

Seriously unhelpful.

As for bumble it would be so nice if you would keep your word about staying off this thread. How cruel and self-serving your comments have been.

There have been some really shockingly insensitive posts on this thread. OP your DM made choices, she chose to emigrate, she chose not to return to the UK. She had every right to make these choices but the consequence of this is that you cannot be with her. Sometimes we cannot undo what others have done however sad and painful that is for us.

I'm so sorry @ChilliHobnobs you have full support here

MN can be a peculiar place at times, but during times like these it's an incredibly supportive network ignore Bumble

I know it's difficult for you but I was in the same position 4 years ago. I went to see mum on which it turned out to be her last day to say my good byes. I thanked her for being a great mum and surprisingly she was glad to hear my voice. She grunted something but what I don't know. I was glad I was able to say my goodbyes and even if she doesn't recognise you now she will really want to feel and smell you. She will then feel she can leave you all. I would advise you to go but it is ultimately your choice and no one can take that from you. Please try and go and say your goodbyes and thank her for giving you life. I know with the dementia she don't feel like your mum and you want her back but please try to go. I am glad I went.

Shit didn't mean bumble I apologise I mean you OP!