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Original poster

I've just made the decision not to see my dying mother again and need a handhold

105 replies

ChilliHobnobs · 13/10/2018 18:48

She has advanced dementia, multiple organ failure and incurable cancer. I have had to decide whether to fly home to see her in the next few days before she dies and have decided not to. I feel awful about my decision but for practical reasons it is really not the right thing to do [sad[

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 18:49

Oh that's very sad. What a decision to have to make.

Flowers
Lougle · 13/10/2018 18:51

Does she have other people who will be with her? That's so sad Sad

TaggieRR · 13/10/2018 18:52

I’m so sorry. Must be so so difficult for you.

GooseberryJam · 13/10/2018 18:53

Is it likely she wouldn't recognise you? It sounds that way.

Flowers
PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2018 18:53

That’s really sad. Are you absolutely 100% sure that’s the right thing? I would worry about regretting that. Flowers

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 13/10/2018 18:55

I feel for you, that is an awful decision to have to make, but it is horrible for you, not for her. This may be a stupid idea, so feel free to ignore me, but is there anyone with her that could help you Skype, or Facetime her, so you could speak to her, and see her?

sproutsplease · 13/10/2018 18:55

You have thought this through and made the best decision for you in the circumstances, you can do no more.

EdWinchester · 13/10/2018 18:56

What a hard decision to make.

Has she got other family with her?

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 13/10/2018 18:58

I don't think there is any right decision. No, I am not 100% sure but I am as sure as I can be. I'd have to take the DCs with me.
She sometimes knows who I am and sometimes doesn't. I can phone her but she can't Facetime or Skype. She asks how my way too young children are getting on at university for example and is extremely confused.
She doesn't know who is with her but she will have staff at the hospice with her. They are fantastic and will make sure she is not alone.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/10/2018 19:06

Crikey, what a decision, really feel for you Thanks

Icklepup · 13/10/2018 19:08

Aww Flowers

MumNeedsANap · 13/10/2018 19:11

Oh OP, this is really awful, and I agree with you, there is no right answer. My dad died of dementia last month, and my brother and I had to make similar decisions. My brother lives abroad and made the decision not to come back but did for the funeral and it was the right decision for him and the family. And I made it back just for the end, I live in the country but not close and childcare issues, I know my dad would have understood and I'm sure your mum would too, I felt the most important thing was to have someone with them. This is a horrible thing to go through, and I hope you find peace with your decision ❤️

HildaOgdensFlyingDucks · 13/10/2018 19:11

Oh love Flowers

PhannyMcNee · 13/10/2018 19:12

What a difficult decision to have to make, either way it is going to be painful for you.

FWIW, If she won't know who you are, I think you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately the 'what ifs' will always be there but you have to make the right decision for yourself right now.

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 13/10/2018 19:19

No, no other family are with her. There is only me as the rest are also elderly and can't travel. The only other relative nearby also has dementia.

OP posts:
Lougle · 13/10/2018 20:10

I'm sorry you have such a hard choice to make. It is a very personal decision. I hope you have people who can support you.

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 13/10/2018 20:28

thank you. I don't have any support and it's horrible Sad I've been trying not to cry all night.

OP posts:
PhannyMcNee · 13/10/2018 21:19

Oh love, are the dc in bed? Actually, if they're old enough to understand and know what's going on, then cry anyway. You don't need to hold it in. It's ok to feel sad and cry xxx

Original poster
ChilliHobnobs · 14/10/2018 07:02

I can't cry most of the time, then the floodgates open and I can't stop.

OP posts:
Goposie · 14/10/2018 07:04

Leaving practical considerations aside would you feel better if you went?

Windgate · 14/10/2018 07:34

What an awful dilemma for you. Aren't you going to have to fly over any way to register the death, organise the funeral etc or is someone else able to do that?

Whatsnewwithyou · 14/10/2018 07:41

Omg let's please stop questioning the OP's decision and instead support her int he decision she says she has already made!
@ChilliHobnobs it sounds like your mum is in good hands and getting great care. It sounds like you live her and have been there for the times that matter. She knows you live her even if she wouldntnk ow whether you were there is not or the details of your children's ages. She will take that love with her and feel that love as she travels on her journey regardless of whether you are physically there or not I trust and believe you have thought this through and are doing the best you can for your family and yourself and your future. Sending hugs. Flowers

YouCantCallMeBetty · 14/10/2018 07:44

Oh OP what a heartbreaking decision to have to make. Well done ThanksThanksThanks

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 14/10/2018 07:49

Flowers OP. I think I would have done the same.

My mother isn't dying, but has advanced dementia and no longer knows any of us. I am also abroad. When I last visited the area I was told that she had taken to hurling abuse and objects at anyone who did visit. I didn't go. I don't regret it. I stopped taking my daughter last year because it was too upsetting for her.

I know my situation is different because I will see mine again.

But the person I see is not the mother I knew. It's a stranger.

There is a wonderful chat thread on the "caring for elderly parents" board where there are lots of MNers day and night ready to handhold and all more or less on the same journey. Don't know if you post there, I haven't been on for a while, but they have given me great comfort at times.

PurpleMac · 14/10/2018 08:07

Oh OP I am so sorry to hear this but fully support your decision. I'm guessing you will have to fly over when she passes away (possibly for a considerable amount of time) and that is one of the practicalities preventing you from doing so now? Especially since you have children. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone but I know several people who have made the same decision in similar circumstances and as hard as it is, it makes sense. Your mum is being looked after, she is not on her own, and will not feel alone. That is what is important.

Sending you all of my love.