I've just made the decision not to see my dying mother again and need a handhold

[ChilliHobnobs]

She has advanced dementia, multiple organ failure and incurable cancer. I have had to decide whether to fly home to see her in the next few days before she dies and have decided not to. I feel awful about my decision but for practical reasons it is really not the right thing to do [sad[

Oh sweetie, I went through this two years ago. My mother didn’t have dementia, but lung cancer that went to her brain. She died while I was trying to get my husband and kids and I onto a flight to say goodbye. (We had flown to say goodbye four or five times before only to have her miraculously recover, so it felt even more surreal when it didn’t happen this time.) Sometimes you have to make peace with the acknowledgement that you did your best for the most people - or even the least worst. There is no way you can do the right thing for everyone all the time. It’s not at all possible in any circumstance. I wish you the strength to get through the next few weeks and I wish you moments of joy as well. I hope your mother finds peace and you find strength in peace of mind. X

I couldn't leave my mother to die alone. I just couldn't. She would move hell and high waters to be with me when i needed her so I couldnt abandon her at her time of need.

My gran had dementia and we were all there when she passed away. She was confused and didn't know us but when we stopped talking to her she became distressed.

She needed us there to tell her it was ok and we loved her.

I'll probably get roasted for saying that. But she's your mother. If there's any time you should be there it's to help her pass peacefully and in the knowledge you love her.

OP I am so sorry to hear what you are going through

My grandmother had advanced dementia (also lost ability to speak) and was diagnosed with a rare cancer and lived 13 days from diagnosis. I was there with her when she passed but it was easy for me to be there as she lived so close. Even though she was like your mother, very confused, I do feel as if she knew it was me in the room and when I said to her it was ok to pass away, she did.

There is no right decision here, only you can decide. I would hate for you to regret not being there

The OP didn't ask for opinions on what her decision should be Bumble, she asked for a handhold having already made her decision.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3357318-caring-for-elderly-parents-pop-in-for-support-advice-a-bit-of-a-rant?pg=22

OP- do come over to this thread, there will be no judgement.

Bumble- if this were a thread asking for theoretical opinions- what would you do if...scenarios, then your posts would be valid. It isn't. And you should think about how your posts are making an already very sad OP feel. Please consider asking HQ to withdraw your posts. I say that with no malice.

Perhaps reading that may change her mind. Perhaps it will save her the guilt and regret.

She may well regret not going.

I doubt she would ever regret going.

Op - this must be so hard and you sound absolutely depleted.

The best people to care for her are at the hospice.

Bumble - op really doesn’t your judgement.

Bumble this is not appropriate. OP has NOT abandoned her mother. We don’t know what the circumstances are. She might be literally on the other side of the world, seriously short of money, looking after a child with an illness or other problem, or any combination of those things and a dozen more we can’t imagine. It’s very obvious she feels extremely torn but is making what she feels is the best decision she can.
Op – hand hold and

That's my last word. Hope OP makes the right choice x

Bumble, I truly hope you are never in a position like the op and have your judgement come back to haunt you.

Op, here is a hand to hold your's. You will have gone backwards and forwards with this decision. This will be the right one x

Bumble thank you so much.
My mother was emotionally distant as I was growing up and informed me regularly that she wanted a lovely daughter instead of me.
She chose to emigrate.
When she became ill she could have come back here but she chose not to.
I am a single parent to three children and have very little money and a lousy credit rating.
Feel free to judge what a terrible daughter I am, I already know anyway.
Now fuck off.

leaving the thread now. Thank you to all the lovely ones on here.

Don't rise to it Chili.

You are not a terrible daughter. Nobody who has not been in your position (and Bumble has not) can know how it feels. I don't know yet, but I know I will. And I am willing to bet almost 100% that my decision will be the same as yours. Go over to the thread I linked, if you aren't already on it. They are wonderful people.

Is it mainly money that is stopping you or childcare ? What a difficult decision to make.

Holding your hand OP. No judgement from me whatsoever. 💐

My parents both died in a hospice. I was lucky enough to be able to be with them when they died. By the sounds of things your relationship with your mum has been very different to the relationship I was lucky enough to have with both of my parents.

The staff in the hospice are just the most wonderful, incredible, devoted people who rise to the challenge and privilege of caring for the dying. They will ensure that your mum is not in pain and not alone.

Take care of yourself.

How awful that when someone seeks support, a person choses to bombard the thread completely inappropriately with words only designed to cause more hurt. It is sad that some people lack any sense of compassion. Bumble, you disgust me.

OP, it was an incredibly hard decision to have to make and I can't even begin to understand what you must be going through. Try to be kind to yourself, if I was in your situation, I have no doubt I would make the same call.

I was just going to type a reply to Bumble when I saw It's reply
Just because you would move heaven and earth to see your dying mum Bumble is because of your relationship with her. Not everyone has great parents who put them first as Chilli has pointed out. Hope you feel good that she now feels worse than when she originally posted for some support.

Perhaps she should have stated that in her original post?

This is in dementia bumble, not AIBU. Your criticism is uncalled for.

for you, Chill. No judgement here, and lots of love. Please ignore the people giving you a hard time. To people like that their experience = the only possible experience. They can't understand and you are under no
obligation to justify yourself.

Thank you HQ