Girls Holiday Whilst Financial Difficulties

[FrustratedHusband121]

Hi All,

I'll keep this as brief as I can, but I would really appreciate any feedback from both other husbands and wives on this situation.

The family have had financial difficulties post covid, mainly due to me losing a business and trying to start another one - Bills do get paid; and leaves very little for disposable income. Some months are good and some months are very bad.

My wife has not worked in 24 years of marriage, and I have always provided for the family. She has just returned on a 5 day girls holiday and during that time she has not voluntarily contacted any family members and is being very coy about what she has been up to including not sending any pictures of the trip. This is her 3rd girls trip in about 6 months, but i have not given her any money for this trip and won't say how she is funding it (I have suspicions she is using disability benefit for our child).

She gets very aggressive if i say I am going away for the night for football or work but yet she is saying she will take more trips herself.

We had a major bust up about this recent trip as I caught her out lying about what she had been up to and being inconsistent with her stories. We have had ongoing marital issues and i felt that this trip was unneccessary considering she had been to greece recently without the family. For additional context, no other family member has been able to go away themselves.

Views on this would be very welcome.

Thanks

I honestly think, at this point, you should seriously just consider splitting up. She's lying to you (or at least not being honest with you), you obviously don't trust her. She might well be using money for your disabled child to go on her jollies, or running up secret debts, and you'ce already been into mediation more than once. It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship for either of you.

Depending on how much care your child receives and if mobility issues and with child benefit, if wife is receiving high rate care/mobility dla and child benefit this amounts to around £825 per month. It sounds like OP is being taken advantage of tbh

WOW! Thats a lot!!!

My son is severly autistic with learning difficulties and is non-verbal.

I knew we were getting DLA but just left everything to her to arrange.

Yes it is a lot and also she could be claiming carers allowance if not working which I think is around £80 per week so an extra £320 ish a month

Suddenly the holidays make a bit more sense. You need to have a conversation to get to the bottom of this. The DLA should be spent on things that benefit the child, not a jolly in Ibiza.

We recently had a social worker around to assess and offer additional funding. I did not think anything of it as I just thought the funds were used to pay for schooling. She's been interviewing carers for the last few months but has not taken anyone on - Again, I just thought this was part of the school funding for additional help. I've just been in my world trying to earn a crust.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but this is the wake up call. I'm afraid it sounds like the marriage is over. But she shouldn't be spending all this money on herself. You have a difficult chat ahead. Good luck.

Appreciated - Thank you!

Could she be claiming carers allowance for your DC ?

Exactly! Some sanity at last..

Yes, because no wife could actually be shit, could they? No wife could take the absolute piss going on 3 holidays within 6 months when the household is under massive financial pressure.

Ignore the fact that the wife doesn’t work, because the only relevant point is that OP doesnt earn enough. Ignore the fact the OP shares care for a disabled child, but applaud the fact that the wife shares the same care.

Forget the fact that the wife sounds like she’s controlling by not allowing OP out for one night, but she can go on holidays. Because clearly it’s unreasonable for him to want to go out ever, but it’s fine for her.

Also ignore the fact that she sounds like she’s having an affair, or at least has fuck all respect for her marriage.

But yes yes, flying monkeys. Bad man. Bad husband. Black and white. Women are never never wrong. Men should only expect to post relationship issues to be told that they’re making it up, and they’re probably just such shit humans that their wives have no chance.

NEWSFLASH. Some women are arseholes too!

@Octavia64

Does she have access to money?
What you said makes it sound like you are financially abusing her.

All OPs money goes into the joint account & so she does have access. However since covid there hasn't been much spare.

I think she is probably getting a decent amount in DLA for your youngest. But it doesn't seem she is spending it on them. So I would guess she is using that money.

I think she sounds really selfish. She could easily work & take the stress off you a little. Surely she is aware that things are tricky financially.

On another note might it be better to find a job with another company rather than trying to go it alone & not always earning lots? It might be less stressful. Sorry it sounds like all you do is work & look after the kids!

Thank you! - This thread has been a real eye-opener for me.

It says a lot that about the OP that she can bugger off for 5 days and leaving him holding the fort with a disabled child to care for.

He'd probably be better off as a single parent and not have to subsidise her lifestyle.

Off the back of all these messages, I have asked her about the money again - Although she refuses to tell me how much, she gets DLA and carers allowance. Absolutely stupid of me but never knew she was getting this regularly.

She is very aware of the financial situation - Keeps reminding the kids in front of me why we are always overdrawn each month.

Holidays is one thing, but during the 5 days she did not contact us or my son once - caught her lying on a few things.....Bloody hell, i just have not bothered posting!😅

My home expenses are very high, last 3 years shes has begged me not to downgrade our house so I've just been working to make sure we can keep it. Another employment with better pay at my age is unlikely.

Thanks for the feedback

Can you check on entitled to to see how much it might be, if you know what rate of DLA was awarded? These things shouldn't be secret in a family.

I will have to try and find out - Will call the relevant department in the local authority - Thanks

DLA send a letter annually confirming the amount paid. It sounds as if it is higher rate for both. Social work team can put a package in place of further support such as a PA or carer or respite care. You both need to have grown up discussions about your sons care regarding what happens if you both die or are incapable of looking after him. He will have an EHCP. Who attends the annual reviews for those? At the very least, irrespective of your marriage, you need to start getting involved in this side of things because at some point your son will be an adult and social services do check that the money is being used for the person concerned. You may need a decent house because of your son's difficulties.

You've taken your eye off the ball while working, which is understandable, but you do need oversight of the whole picture, I think. It all sounds very dodgy on her part. I get the child benefit going to her for NI reasons, but all the rest should have gone to the joint account, or been transferred there at least.**

Benefits like this should be used or saved for the child for future use.

I agree about some women being awful. I know two personally whose husbands are abused financially.

Has she gone away to the same place each time?

always different

I might be wrong, but I thought carer's allowance needed you to be doing 35 hours of caring per week, if the care is in reality split between 4 of you should she even be claiming this if she is? DLA etc is different. You need to understand exactly what's being claimed and where it is going.

@FrustratedHusband121

Sorry to hear she is speaking of you like that. You don't deserve that. Perhaps she got used to a more affluent lifestyle?

I think DLA & carers allowance on top can be generous. However it is supposed to be spent on the child. I suppose it makes up for loss of earnings. However it sounds like you cover financial costs of your youngest & also do quite a lot of the child care. I'd be interested to know what she does all day.

I think you have a right to know what is being paid monthly to your wife & it should be paid into your joint account. I bet she gets child benefit too.

Who gets the CB? Is she claiming Carers? And clearly she has access to the DLA. I don't think it's abusive if your money in going in and out, and she's got money coming in you can't touch.