Girls Holiday Whilst Financial Difficulties

[FrustratedHusband121]

Hi All,

I'll keep this as brief as I can, but I would really appreciate any feedback from both other husbands and wives on this situation.

The family have had financial difficulties post covid, mainly due to me losing a business and trying to start another one - Bills do get paid; and leaves very little for disposable income. Some months are good and some months are very bad.

My wife has not worked in 24 years of marriage, and I have always provided for the family. She has just returned on a 5 day girls holiday and during that time she has not voluntarily contacted any family members and is being very coy about what she has been up to including not sending any pictures of the trip. This is her 3rd girls trip in about 6 months, but i have not given her any money for this trip and won't say how she is funding it (I have suspicions she is using disability benefit for our child).

She gets very aggressive if i say I am going away for the night for football or work but yet she is saying she will take more trips herself.

We had a major bust up about this recent trip as I caught her out lying about what she had been up to and being inconsistent with her stories. We have had ongoing marital issues and i felt that this trip was unneccessary considering she had been to greece recently without the family. For additional context, no other family member has been able to go away themselves.

Views on this would be very welcome.

Thanks

Honestly OP - it doesn't sound great. What are things like outside of these holidays - do you generally get along ok? It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure, both financially and if you have disabled children?

I think her trips are not the problem.

If you are the only working (for money) person, then what money does she have access to?
but i have not given her any money for this trip and won't say how she is funding it (I have suspicions she is using disability benefit for our child).

Things are very up and down, mainly down. I try and be the reasonable one for the sake of the family but arguments when they happen tend to go over the top. I feel very let down that she went on this unneccessry trip and her argument for not contacting us on the holiday was that I did not say bye when she went - I was very angry of her going TBF.

Are you sure it's a girls' trip?

You saying you haven't given her any money for this trip is slightly tripping alarm bells in my mind.

You say you have a disabled child, and presumably if you work she is caring for the child.

Does she have access to money?

What you said makes it sound like you are financially abusing her.

Are you suspicious she's having an affair and the other man has paid it? It doesn't sound like you are being treated very fairly in this relationship tbh

Hmm. I would think she is going away with another man and he is funding it.

Have you any suspicions she's cheating ?

Good question - The fact is no one in the family has been going on holidays or any great luxuries. It's not like me being the breadwinner does what I want, everything I earn goes towards expenses, bills and food. If on occasions she wants to go meet with her friends for dinner/lunch then I will pay for that. Bottom line is that we don't have major disposable funds and this is her 3rd trip in 6 months and I don't know how its being funded - Along with the lack of communication. I would say the trips are a major issue but i do really appreciate your feedback.

Yeah, 100% - i know the people she has gone with on the 3 separate occasions.

So she doesn’t have access to any money of her own and if she wants to go out eith friends she has to ask you for money to do so?

OP do you mean she has no money at all, so she would have to ask you for money if she wants to do anything?

This is not the case - I know the girls she has gone away with.

Financial abuse would be that I personally spend the money earn on doing things for myself. If i was earning money and going on trips, outings, clothes etc then i would understand this. around 97% of what i earn goes on mortgage, bills, food and money for our child.

You don't trust her and she doesn't trust you. The money is irrelevant at this point, your marriage sounds doomed regardless.

you didn't answer the question of what she does. So you have a disabled child. Can we assume that she generally has sole responsibility for the child?

As a SAHP she should have access to funds (although i can see why you wouldn't want this)

Have you suggested she gets a job? you be the SAHP for a while? you both work part time? if you have money problems maybe it's time you went PAYE? and did your business as a side gig until it is worthwhile?

There are clearly issues, but it's not easy to judge

This makes it sund very simplistic - To clarify, historically she would be given money of her own. Since losing my business, we have only been able to really afford the outgoings.

I hear that!

I'm sorry OP, this is ringing MAJOR alarm bells for me

And if this was flipped and you were the DW, the replies you've had would be VERY different

Do you know that the DLA / PIP money is actually being spent on your child? How on earth does someone without an income manage to finance 3 trips in as many months???

It sounds to me like you have suspicions anyway and these lies are simply bolstering them

no, mate. Financial abuse includes her not having access to funds.

Exactly that

I think I agree with @TheOverstuffedWalrus - it's not helpful to do he said/she said, it's not working. So rather than pointing fingers, what do you want to happen next? Is it possible for her to go back to work - it sounds like that would be better for everyone, but appreciate might not be possible.

I’m really sorry but just because she has gone away with other women doesn’t mean she isn’t meeting up with a man. It does sound very suspicious

Sorry, she does not work - responsibility of our child is split between us and my two adult children. I work from home entirely so am always here. My child is in school from 7am to around 5.00pm everyday and club on saturday. We all share responsibilities equally.

What age is your child? You say she hasn't worked in 24 years. Is your child 24? If you're child is young and at school , maybe your wife is bored not working, hence all the trips

Sorry just seen your previous post