Girls Holiday Whilst Financial Difficulties

[FrustratedHusband121]

Hi All,

I'll keep this as brief as I can, but I would really appreciate any feedback from both other husbands and wives on this situation.

The family have had financial difficulties post covid, mainly due to me losing a business and trying to start another one - Bills do get paid; and leaves very little for disposable income. Some months are good and some months are very bad.

My wife has not worked in 24 years of marriage, and I have always provided for the family. She has just returned on a 5 day girls holiday and during that time she has not voluntarily contacted any family members and is being very coy about what she has been up to including not sending any pictures of the trip. This is her 3rd girls trip in about 6 months, but i have not given her any money for this trip and won't say how she is funding it (I have suspicions she is using disability benefit for our child).

She gets very aggressive if i say I am going away for the night for football or work but yet she is saying she will take more trips herself.

We had a major bust up about this recent trip as I caught her out lying about what she had been up to and being inconsistent with her stories. We have had ongoing marital issues and i felt that this trip was unneccessary considering she had been to greece recently without the family. For additional context, no other family member has been able to go away themselves.

Views on this would be very welcome.

Thanks

Well, there are a number of possibilities for how it is being funded if that's what concerns you.

Her parents may be paying
She may have inherited money and not told you
She may have won the lottery and not told you
Her friends may be subbing her (especially if they know you are struggling as a family financially)

If you have been married 24 years and the deal was that she was a sahm and looked after the kids/house etc and you brought in the money then from what you are writing I'd say you are the one not sticking to the deal any more.

Maybe you need to renegotiate and you stay at home and look after the kid(s) and your wife goes out to work?

Been at the end of my tether but being treated like i'm the one in teh wrong in this relationship - She will be very vocal in embarassing me in front of our other children about not having money - All i do is spend all the money I earn on the family without personal luxuries. The 3 holidays and everything else has thrown me.

I can safely say it's neither of those things but if it is then surely its wrong knowing that the family struggle financially?

There is no deal - She is free and has been to work wherever she wants, she never has - Thats a personal choice.

And there is no way she would be able to work and earn the money that is needed to pay for everything - I would love that option!

Then why don't she work? nothing is stopping her?

But neither of them have access to funds, because there's no money left?

If she has the DLA for their disabled child, that's likely more money in her pocket than OP has since all of his money goes straight out paying the bills.

Does she have access to cash, e.g. has she got a bank card to the account? if not, and she has to ask for a tenner, then that is financial abuse. Although I do agree that she could work.

Thank you - This is exactly it.

Only on fucking mumsnet could anyone spin a wife taking the absolute piss into the husband’s fault.

Nobody should be going away 3 times in 6 months when the family is under massive financial pressure. Especially when she wouldn’t let you go out for even a night.

I’d be suspicious that it’s not a “girls trip” and she is actually going away with someone else, hence the funding issues.

I've subbed friends on trips when they've been struggling.

Not sure how you'd know that isn't the case.

I agree she should equally have a card to the joint account.

But if there's no money in the account, neither she nor OP can take anything out.

If all income in the house pays for is essentials and bills, neither of them can have "spends" for luxuries.

Thanks mate!

To be clear - All income goes into a joint account and all bills for he house including food comes out of there - On the rare occasions that money is available she has access to that account.

Well yes, I agree with that!

Thanks, that's fair then. I'd find the holidays irritating in in that case.

So she is hiding money from you ?
And possibly having an affair?

And you need us because ?
Mention that mysterious money source when you see a solicitor as all money would be joint

It sounds you need to get a proper job and forget running your own business and your DW needs to get a part time job that fits in around caring for your disabled child. You shouldn't be expecting your adult children to help with childcare for your disabled child, they should be getting on with their own lives.

Was only asking for opinions my friend - Thanks for the solicitor advice!

100% agree regarding the adult children - I accept this but its the wife that insists things are shared. Not sure the other points you raise deals with what I was posting but appreciate the feedback!

It sounds as though his business earns enough to pay for all the essentials for the family whilst also allowing him to be at home and share the care for their disabled child.

So if his wife pulled her finger out and matched what he is doing they'd be fine.

OP shouldn't have to get a "proper job" when his business solely supporting the family so that his wife can continue to refuse to get a job or only work part time. They are equally caring for their disabled child.

It's not OP's contribution to the family that is the problem...

I get very uncomfortable when men come onto MN to get all the women to agree that their wife is shit. A wife with no access to money, and a child with disabilities.

Flying monkeys.

Thanks for the feedback - To clarify, i was asking for opinion and there has been feedback from both sides of the argument.

If you read back, you will see that it's also a husband with no access to disposable funds and is a carer for the child with disabilities.

Where do the disability payments and child benefit get paid into? Her personal account or the joint?

When you say bills, do you mean all household bills, including phones, car insurance, water, food etc?

You're very welcome.

But does she have access to that money?

Also on a practical note, I would get a copy of your credit report too, because the money is coming from somewhere, and it is very unlikely without a job she has access to credit.

So I would be wondering if any credit cards or loans have been taken out in my name