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Original poster

Girls Holiday Whilst Financial Difficulties

109 replies

FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 12:33

Hi All,

I'll keep this as brief as I can, but I would really appreciate any feedback from both other husbands and wives on this situation.

The family have had financial difficulties post covid, mainly due to me losing a business and trying to start another one - Bills do get paid; and leaves very little for disposable income. Some months are good and some months are very bad.

My wife has not worked in 24 years of marriage, and I have always provided for the family. She has just returned on a 5 day girls holiday and during that time she has not voluntarily contacted any family members and is being very coy about what she has been up to including not sending any pictures of the trip. This is her 3rd girls trip in about 6 months, but i have not given her any money for this trip and won't say how she is funding it (I have suspicions she is using disability benefit for our child).

She gets very aggressive if i say I am going away for the night for football or work but yet she is saying she will take more trips herself.

We had a major bust up about this recent trip as I caught her out lying about what she had been up to and being inconsistent with her stories. We have had ongoing marital issues and i felt that this trip was unneccessary considering she had been to greece recently without the family. For additional context, no other family member has been able to go away themselves.

Views on this would be very welcome.

Thanks

OP posts:
HereintheloveofChristIstand · 10/03/2025 13:53

My wife has not worked in 24 years of marriage,

and you have out up with her laziness? I wouldn’t have tolerated 24 months out of work! (Unless ill, redundant through no fault of their own or caring for sick relative). Actually make that 24 hours!

Squeakpopcorn · 10/03/2025 13:53

FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 13:47

Thanks for the feedback - To clarify, i was asking for opinion and there has been feedback from both sides of the argument.

If you read back, you will see that it's also a husband with no access to disposable funds and is a carer for the child with disabilities.

Show quote history

The difference is you say she has no access to any funds and you have access to funds but just not disposable funds. Is this correct?

wherearemypastnames · 10/03/2025 13:55

The wife has access to the family account according to OP

But she is spending money from somewhere else that he doesn't have access to

Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 13:56

IBSisBS · 10/03/2025 13:48

Where do the disability payments and child benefit get paid into? Her personal account or the joint?

When you say bills, do you mean all household bills, including phones, car insurance, water, food etc?

All disability payments go directly into her bank account. She won't share how much we get for our child.

Yes, all household bills include what you said and Mortgage, Council Tax, credit cards and loans.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 10/03/2025 13:56

How are you so confident that she is away with friends? I am going away in two weeks with friends, my best friend knows this and so does her husband. If she wanted to go away with another man she could easily tell her husband that she is going away with me but actually go with him.

I probably would check your credit score too.

Mareleine · 10/03/2025 13:56

She sounds like a fannylodger and I'd be suspicious too OP, if this was my DH. She needs to get a job if she wants to pay for things. If the child is at school 7-5 there is absolutely no need for her to be dossing around doing FA and it's not good for her.

You've made it clear that she has access to the joint account but there's just no money left after bills and yet posters are still doing backflips trying to blame you for this and accuse you of financial abuse.

Allthegoodhorses · 10/03/2025 13:56

Brefugee · 10/03/2025 12:58

no, mate. Financial abuse includes her not having access to funds.

Show quote history

But there isn't any funds. How can the OP financially abuse his wife without the funds being available in the first place.

Aoppley · 10/03/2025 13:57

FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 12:57

This makes it sund very simplistic - To clarify, historically she would be given money of her own. Since losing my business, we have only been able to really afford the outgoings.

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Why don't you have a shared bank account? If she has to ask you for money for something as simple as going out for dinner with a friend, you are financially abusing her.

The many trips away aren't good though, and agree it is very selfish of her to go away while you cannot afford it, especially if she's using her child's benefits to do it. Sounds like your marriage is doomed.

wherearemypastnames · 10/03/2025 13:57

Since she has access to funds that she has hidden from him that makes him the victim of financial abuse not her

Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 13:57

Squeakpopcorn · 10/03/2025 13:50

But does she have access to that money?

Show quote history

Yes, via the joint account

OP posts:
wherearemypastnames · 10/03/2025 13:58

Do you have another account with money in it that sue doesn't have access to ?

Mareleine · 10/03/2025 13:58

Aoppley · 10/03/2025 13:57

Why don't you have a shared bank account? If she has to ask you for money for something as simple as going out for dinner with a friend, you are financially abusing her.

The many trips away aren't good though, and agree it is very selfish of her to go away while you cannot afford it, especially if she's using her child's benefits to do it. Sounds like your marriage is doomed.

Show quote history

They DO have a shared bank account! I wish all you financial abuse accusers would just read the bloody thread before throwing around unfounded accusations at the OP just because he's a man.

Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 13:59

IBSisBS · 10/03/2025 13:52

Also on a practical note, I would get a copy of your credit report too, because the money is coming from somewhere, and it is very unlikely without a job she has access to credit.

So I would be wondering if any credit cards or loans have been taken out in my name

Good point - Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 14:07

purplecorkheart · 10/03/2025 13:56

How are you so confident that she is away with friends? I am going away in two weeks with friends, my best friend knows this and so does her husband. If she wanted to go away with another man she could easily tell her husband that she is going away with me but actually go with him.

I probably would check your credit score too.

For the first two trips, she sent pictures so i know the people she went with. This one, I have seen nothing but know the people she said she went away with.

OP posts:
MummytoE · 10/03/2025 14:08

Contrary to what previous posters have jumped to accuse you of Op, I would say that your wife is financially abusing you!

Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 14:10

Mareleine · 10/03/2025 13:56

She sounds like a fannylodger and I'd be suspicious too OP, if this was my DH. She needs to get a job if she wants to pay for things. If the child is at school 7-5 there is absolutely no need for her to be dossing around doing FA and it's not good for her.

You've made it clear that she has access to the joint account but there's just no money left after bills and yet posters are still doing backflips trying to blame you for this and accuse you of financial abuse.

Thank you! - I don't understand the financial abuse accusations, i am not stopping her from working - She said in summer last year she would get a job in January - we are in March and nothing plus she went on a 5 day trip.

Everything goes into joint account - It used to be that funds would go into her personal but since I started again on teh business, she has access to whatever is left for things she wants.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/03/2025 14:11

OH dear. I know a group of women like this. Their motto is what happens abroad stays abroad. There's been the odd one night stand, lots of flirting. They act like single women.

She's having fun because she can. Perhaps home life is endurable because of her occasional escapes.

JeremyFischer · 10/03/2025 14:17

I don't know what's going on here, sir, but I'd probably prepare yourself for £10k of unexpected debt.

TheBossOfMe · 10/03/2025 14:27

Ok if she has access to the joint account and you don't have access to or knowledge of the disability payments, it's not financial abuse so I apologise for saying that.

And yes I would prepare yourself for her being in debt. And the holidays being a bit dodgy.

honeylulu · 10/03/2025 14:51

If this is an accurate account (that she technically has equal access to your income via joint account, albeit there is usually not much to spare) then it sounds very dodgy on her part.

If i understand correctly, when your income was more substantial, there would be a chunk of "fun money" transferred to her for personal spends. But there is no longer enough left over for that? And you don't get to keep any back for yourself either? And disability payments for your joint child are paid to get personal account and never reach the joint account? So mathematically she actually has more money than you?

There's a possibility that she has got herself a sugar daddy to treat her to trips. But it's more likely that she is spending the disability payments and/or has taken out some sort of credit or someone (family?) has given her a loan.

I appreciate we are only hearing one side of the story (I'd love to hear hers) but on the face of it she seems very self centred. Do you think she is punishing you for the failure of your business?

BrandyandGinger · 10/03/2025 15:03

Do your adult children that help with their sibling live with you? Do they pay rent/contribute to bill? Could they be helping their mother get away for a break? Is she travelling with her sisters? They might be subbing her hotels.
I feel like there's more to this. If your business is failing can you get paid employment? It's hard to go back to work after 24 years. I think you should book marriage counselling and talk to your wife about all these issues.

Lavender14 · 10/03/2025 15:04

This sounds like it's working for noone op.

I'd be insisting on mediation via a couples counsellor or similar and I'd want full financial transparency. If they're your children then I think you should be setting up a separate account for them where any monies for the kids should be paid into and similarly anything needed for the kids can be bought from. I think you need to look at your outgoings seriously and then split an average that you can each use as spending money in separate accounts so nobody is having to ask permission for spending and nobody is being sneaky about what's coming in or going out. If she can work and that fits around caring responsibilities then I'd be agreeing a time frame for her to find part time employment. Personally I'd leave if she doesn't agree to that level of transparency.

From what you've mentioned in not immediately thinking cheating but I am questioning how the money for your child is being spent. I'm thinking she sees herself as their carer and the money you get for them is essentially being seen as her "salary".

Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 15:08

BrandyandGinger · 10/03/2025 15:03

Do your adult children that help with their sibling live with you? Do they pay rent/contribute to bill? Could they be helping their mother get away for a break? Is she travelling with her sisters? They might be subbing her hotels.
I feel like there's more to this. If your business is failing can you get paid employment? It's hard to go back to work after 24 years. I think you should book marriage counselling and talk to your wife about all these issues.

Sons only just graduated and started work and my daughter is still at uni - They would not have given her any money. Both of them live at home and they don't contribute to household expenses. She travelled with friends, all aged around the same 48ish.

Marriage counselling has been tried and failed on two occasions - She walked out of both counsellor meetings as she did not like what they had to say. I've tried!

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 15:10

honeylulu · 10/03/2025 14:51

If this is an accurate account (that she technically has equal access to your income via joint account, albeit there is usually not much to spare) then it sounds very dodgy on her part.

If i understand correctly, when your income was more substantial, there would be a chunk of "fun money" transferred to her for personal spends. But there is no longer enough left over for that? And you don't get to keep any back for yourself either? And disability payments for your joint child are paid to get personal account and never reach the joint account? So mathematically she actually has more money than you?

There's a possibility that she has got herself a sugar daddy to treat her to trips. But it's more likely that she is spending the disability payments and/or has taken out some sort of credit or someone (family?) has given her a loan.

I appreciate we are only hearing one side of the story (I'd love to hear hers) but on the face of it she seems very self centred. Do you think she is punishing you for the failure of your business?

What you have stated is correct - I agree her POV may be different but the money transactions are factual.

My post was really to gauge opinion of going on a trip despite our situation - Night away is fine but 3rd 5 day trip i think is too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedHusband121 · 10/03/2025 15:12

Lavender14 · 10/03/2025 15:04

This sounds like it's working for noone op.

I'd be insisting on mediation via a couples counsellor or similar and I'd want full financial transparency. If they're your children then I think you should be setting up a separate account for them where any monies for the kids should be paid into and similarly anything needed for the kids can be bought from. I think you need to look at your outgoings seriously and then split an average that you can each use as spending money in separate accounts so nobody is having to ask permission for spending and nobody is being sneaky about what's coming in or going out. If she can work and that fits around caring responsibilities then I'd be agreeing a time frame for her to find part time employment. Personally I'd leave if she doesn't agree to that level of transparency.

From what you've mentioned in not immediately thinking cheating but I am questioning how the money for your child is being spent. I'm thinking she sees herself as their carer and the money you get for them is essentially being seen as her "salary".

The whole family share caring responsibilities -

Personally, whilst the family are in the current financial situation, i think taking a trip was not a good thing. We've had ongoing issues but this may well be the final nail in the coffin!

OP posts: