Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

And you want your daughter to call a stranger step-mum.

@arethereanyleftatall have you actually read OP 's posts? It's his daughter who wants to be able to refer to his wife as her stepmum. OP has not asked her to, encouraged her to, or influenced her choice. She just wants to be like her friends who have stepmothers.

It's no wonder you are seeking help OP. You are obviously placing a high priority on your DDs emotional needs. This is admirable. Your ex is understandably possessive of her daughter & finds it hard to accept another mother figure in her life. She should be grateful your new wife is such an accepting & caring step parent who has your daughters best interests at heart. There is no room for jealousy within blended families. It definitely sounds like mediation is required before your daughter is so badly affected she turns against you all in later life.I hope you find an amicable solution. This is not about the adults & it's not a competition. Your daughter deserves a life where everyone involved care enough about her to at least try & get on together without fighting & bickering about nonsense.

Both a Clare's Law and Sarah's Law check would be advisable. OP's wife is probably a normal nice human being, but generally people do not get a new partner checked.

I would not be comfortable with my daughter referring to another woman as a step 'mum'. She is not her mum. Blended family fair enough, but find a different title or first name. Is your dd really saying 'hi stepmum' when she comes in? Probably not, so what difference does it make- rhe difference here is in your head, not hers.

You know a lot of batshit people.

I had a step-mother as a child and many of my friends had/have step-parents from childhood. We knew who our parents are and were. Even now those with living parents and living step-parents and have children, have different names for grandparents and step-grandparents. Even though some of the step-grandparents are more helpful with their children.

You might not be comfortable but it's not your choice and it's shitty to make your kids feel bad about it if they wanted to call them stepmum/stepdad.

Yes, this has been made very clear. OPs daughter hears other children talking about their step mother she only wishes to do the same when in conversation.

You may not be happy with it and the step-mother/step-mum may also not want to be called it, however when another adult including one in authority refers to that a parent of that child's spouse or long term partner they will call them step-mother/step-mum.

The 'stepmum' was the OW for us. I banned it too. She was DC father's wife.
The misery she caused over the years did not permit her a favourable term.

The step-mum here isn't the OW.

I know a lot of people of all types and am a step mother myself and drew on that knowledge to give advice to the OP in a supportive and impartial manner. Advise addressed to him, not you, that he may take or leave as he chooses. You seem oddly invested in being rude to posters doing the same and clearly believe yourself to be an authority on the subject. If the OP agrees I am sure he can take your advice to ignore us and PM you as the self appointment expert, without you needing to jump all over the rest of us on his behalf.

I think if I was the new wife I wouldn't mind the mum's desire that I not be called stepmum. I think I would have some sensitivity towards her insecurity. However, the daughter should not be dissuaded from using the term if that's what she wants.

I am child free but am close to my friends' children. I find that mothers can be quite territorial, especially those who are insecure.

People who do this cause so much damage to their kids. Keep your feelings separate. It's not up to you to dictate the relationship your children have, but it's clearly influenced by you.

I am a SM and also my own DC have a SM. People overthink this so massively. It really doesn't matter.

You've moved fast. You are at pains to sound reasonable in your post and the step mum part of it is reasonable. But a lot of unreasonableness can hide behind a single piece of good reasoning. If your post had expressed your attempts to find a diplomatic middle route, understanding the sensitivities involved, it would have had more credibility. I normally take posts at face value but there's so much missing in your post. I feel a bit like I'm reading a CV which avoids mentioning an absence from employment due to a prison sentence.

I'm a step mum, and a mother. We always respected the existing boundaries. It pays dividends, believe me. A happy child that knows all variations of parent have its best interests at heart is worth a lot of bending over backwards.

You don't hang about do you, OP? I think you might find this is at the root of your issues here.

Can you not just ask DD to call DW by her first name when addressing her directly, but refer to her as "my step mum" when at school or referring to her in the third person?

This is exactly what my DD wants to do and I am happy with.
it is the mother who is actively discouraging our DD from using the term.

Mumsnet is a terrible place to come to for advice on this. Step parents are the devil

tell your daughter that she can call her what she feels comfortable with and there are no wrong answers on this. At 6/7 she will be starting to see through her mother’s behaviour and will soon learn not to talk about your wife in front of her mum. If mum sends messages through daughter like you packed the wrong clothes just tell your daughter not to worry about it and you’ll speak to mum and then text your ex for clarification and ask going forward can she text you directly so messages don’t get confused. Repeat every time but don’t escalate.

Ignore batshit requests like not shopping in certain supermarkets. just grey rock your response on those ones.

deep breath and channel Michelle Obama “when they go to low we go high” because that what your daughter will remember.

I would set boundaries with your ex. Very clearly over email or text. "We do not comment on how you parent. Do not comment on how we parent" "do not dictate relationships, routines, clothing etc during our time at our home." Don't discuss or reply to anything not necessary. If DD says "mum says you're doing this" just say "that's not for you to worry about, mummy shouldn't be asking you to tell daddy off." If it doesn't stop then go to mediation.

We have similar issues with my ex. He tells DS that DP doesn't love him. That he's rubbish. He stole his house. I stole his money. That I don't have any money. (Nobody stole shit from him obviously.) All bloody sorts about our life, family and home. Aswell as being an absolute bullshit parent that doesn't provide clothes, a bed, any routine or discipline.

We stick with "That's not for Daddy to decide." "You know we love you." "That's not true, daddy shouldn't be saying those things to you." We try to stay neutral and affirmate our boundaries, tell him that that behaviour is bad without actually "attacking" his dad. "Daddy let's me have lots of sweets" I can't control what daddy let's you do but in our house this is the rule to keep you and your teeth healthy. "daddy said its a secret and I can't tell you" "no grown up should ever ask you to keep a secret from mummy, always tell mummy secrets, ill never be mad at you" now he walks through the door saying "I'm telling you mummy I had baby bottles at daddies, he says it's a secret" He thinks he's driving a wedge between DS and us but he's not. Becuase we're consistent, we don't let it affect us. He comes here and knows that he's loved, knows where he stands, knows we are stable and consistent. So the first few days back may be alot of tantrums and "My daddy says..." because he's conflicted. But it's not.us causing the conflict so its not us that he's being pushed away from. DS will grow up knowing he has a stable home where he is loved and secure with us, and that his dad isn't providing for his needs and is saying things to upset him.

I'd give her a book on families which shows the generally accepted term for your wife is step-mother, and then let her know that what she wants to call your wife in your home and otherwise is fine with you.

Some of the responses on here at batshit crazy and classic examples of the massive double standards on MN. OP has raised some genuine concerns here and is getting slaughtered at times. In terms of the what DD calls her step mum then I’d say it’s entirely up to the DD. If she refers to her by name to someone she’s likely to then get asked who is that and how is a 6 year old meant to explain that?! Some of the things I can see the point, like having similar routines but the responses on here really are ridiculous at times.

I'm looking forward to the day when a mum posts a similar OP about a controlling ex, and half the responses are telling her that she should understand how her ex feels and be more understanding.

How would you feel if your daughter started referring to another man as her stepdad?

Ultimately there is nothing anyone can do to force or indeed prevent a child referring to a "stepparent", particularly when they are doing this out with the earshot of the grown ups. Both parents should.be bending over backwards to make this situation as comfortable as possible for the child. Mum should be saying "I'm your mummy and I love you and that will never change. It's nice to have lots of grown ups who love you and it's nice that you can choose what you want to call them. Now what shall we have for dinner". Having said that it is.important for you as dad not to undermine mum if she doesn't take that approach. "Mummy loves you so much and it's important to her that she is your only mummy. That doesn't mean that Wife can't love you and you can't love wife. It's great to have lots of grown ups who love you".

Mediation is great but you need to both have the same expectations from it. Sometimes people go to compromise on a specific issue but the other party may be going to rehash emotional issues. So just make sure you're on the same page.

Yeah, Ive only read a few pages in and you're on a hiding to nothing here OP as you're the man and you're in the wrong regardless of how unreasonable your ex wife sounds (and she does)