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Original poster

Advice on half sisters

125 replies

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:07

Long story short… I have 3 children with 2 mums. I am currently going through a divorce and dealing with the consequences of that from the mother of my eldest 2, who are both in primary school. Whilst they know they have a half sister, who is under 1, they are yet to meet. The arrival of my youngest has played a big part in the marriage breakdown but I could not abandon the baby, and am doing everything I can to rebuild my life with my 3 kids at the centre of it. But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay? Thoughts welcome on quite a unique situation. And yes I know I’ve f*ckd up so no lectures needed! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:24

Im struggling to understand the situation from the wording of your post.

The arrival of my youngest has played a big part in the marriage breakdown
does this mean the divorce is from the oldest two’s mother? And the youngest was the result of an affair? Or you got remarried to the youngest’s mother and having a child out strain on the marriage?

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:27

Yep the first one rather than through a remarriage. Sorry was trying to compress a lot into a paragraph!!

OP posts:
Lesina · 09/08/2023 23:30

I think the bringing together of the children needs to be driven by the respective childrens mother. It’s not something you can force and whether you like it or not, you have two families. It happens, people survive but you can’t force it.

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 23:30

I'm confused.

You were married and had two children.

Then you shagged someone else and got her up the duff and you now have a child with her.

Wife is divorcing you and you want the elder children to meet the younger child?

That seems straightforward enough but you have to expect that it there is going to be jealousy and upset and it's all your fault.

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:31

But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay?
so this is the issue? Youve been incredibly vague. Is your ex wife stopping you having contact? Is your ex mistress stopping you having contact? Have you home suitable for your family to stay in? Not a shared house? Not back in with fMILY?

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 23:32

You need to obtain CAO via both mothers.

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:32

Lesina · 09/08/2023 23:30

I think the bringing together of the children needs to be driven by the respective childrens mother. It’s not something you can force and whether you like it or not, you have two families. It happens, people survive but you can’t force it.

Of course he can. He can do as he pleases on his contact weekend. He can have all three children the full weekend together. If he has suitable accommodation.

Lovingitallnow · 09/08/2023 23:34

So first I'd stop - even in your head- imagining it was your daughter that caused your marriage break down. You caused it. Your sons will more than likely blame your daughter and her mum so the least you can do is put it straight in your head. If your kids are of an age where they can work out the maths I don't know what I'd do.

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:38

Sorry if it’s not clear. First time I’ve posted and it’s complex. Yes the baby was outside of marriage but I have contact with all 3 and at the moment I am seeing them independently. My eldest 2 are aware, but the mum is understandably angry towards the baby. The mum of which is happy for her to know her half sisters but also knows it may take time. The pressure to bring them together is from me, so I’m just looking for advice on how to approach it going forward as sensitively as possible.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:40

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:38

Sorry if it’s not clear. First time I’ve posted and it’s complex. Yes the baby was outside of marriage but I have contact with all 3 and at the moment I am seeing them independently. My eldest 2 are aware, but the mum is understandably angry towards the baby. The mum of which is happy for her to know her half sisters but also knows it may take time. The pressure to bring them together is from me, so I’m just looking for advice on how to approach it going forward as sensitively as possible.

How often are you seeing them and for how long? When did your wife find out (how long has this been going on?)

basically, why aRe you not having your older children at least every other weekend? And why can you not also have the youngest on that weekend?

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:42

I have moved out of the family home, am going through divorce, paying maintenance to all and having contact with my eldest 2 at a separate time to my youngest 1. I take the blame as I put in my OP. The ask was the best way to do it sensibly as the ultimate goal is that they know each other whilst they are young and not as adults. As whilst it may be hard I believe it can work for everyone

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:46

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:42

I have moved out of the family home, am going through divorce, paying maintenance to all and having contact with my eldest 2 at a separate time to my youngest 1. I take the blame as I put in my OP. The ask was the best way to do it sensibly as the ultimate goal is that they know each other whilst they are young and not as adults. As whilst it may be hard I believe it can work for everyone

youre still not aaying anything. It sounds like you dont have Suitable accommodation for your children, and that you dont have them over night at all?

are you doing any parenting at all?

AuntMarch · 09/08/2023 23:46

I think what people are asking is what I'm has stopped you from introducing them so far?

nameitagain · 09/08/2023 23:48

Dry strangely written post. It sounds like you are not really taking full responsibility for the situation everyone is in. You had an affair. Your has a child with your affair partner. Your wife understandably threw you out. You now want to get all 3 kids together. It's been 1 year. Your ex wife is angry. Yeah. You fucked up majorly. It's all very fresh still for your ex wife. Stop railroading her and the children. You've fine enough damage. Give people time. Their time frame not yours if you want eventually harmony. Or are you going to continue to do what you've obviously done to date and only thought about what you want?

favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:49

It sounds like this is all quite fresh.. if my husband had a baby with someone else I would not feel comfortable with my children playing happy families for a long time.
Not until you have your own accommodation and had shown your commitment to having the children regularly and reliably.
They must be seriously confused at the moment. Give it some time to settle

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:49

And honestly, it isnt at all complex. You had an affair. Without contraception. Got someone pregnant. Now have three children to support. It honestly isnt at all complex or unusual.

the children are all young and adaptable.

there is no reason at all why you cant just start having them all at the same time.

so shy arent you?

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:49

My daughter is 7 months old. My ex-wife has known for more than a year what was going to happen. I have joint custody of all 3 so seeing them is less of the issue. The reason I haven't brought them together is because my eldest 2 are dealing with a lot of change so I was trying to protect them and their mum who is obviously hurting bad, from the new reality. But at some stage I want them to meet so we can start living and normalising that reality

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:50

Have you asked your big girls if they want to meet the baby?

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:51

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:49

And honestly, it isnt at all complex. You had an affair. Without contraception. Got someone pregnant. Now have three children to support. It honestly isnt at all complex or unusual.

the children are all young and adaptable.

there is no reason at all why you cant just start having them all at the same time.

so shy arent you?

No not shy - I was looking for advice

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:51

And are you now in relationship with mum of baby 3 or just coparenting?

Azandme · 09/08/2023 23:51

"But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay?"

The only thing you "need" is to understand it's not about what YOU need, it's about what is best for the children. Timelines need to be decided around what is best for THEM. I would strongly suggest you go slowly.

You put your "needs" before theirs before and ended up in this situation as a result, and here you are talking about what YOU need. Why aren't you prioritising what your children need?

Who cares where you "need to get to"? You've created this whole mess which will have damaged your children - what you "need" has zero importance. Learn that, if you learn nothing else.

favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:51

I feel like I should also add that it seems like you're not fully taking responsibility and appreciating quite what a massive shit storm you have created and how you only seem to be thinking about what you want. What do your two eldest children want, are they interested in meeting the baby?

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:52

favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:49

It sounds like this is all quite fresh.. if my husband had a baby with someone else I would not feel comfortable with my children playing happy families for a long time.
Not until you have your own accommodation and had shown your commitment to having the children regularly and reliably.
They must be seriously confused at the moment. Give it some time to settle

I have my own accommodation that can house everyone safely. All stay with me regularly and are comfortable doing so

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:53

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:51

And are you now in relationship with mum of baby 3 or just coparenting?

Co parenting with both

OP posts:
favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:53

@Unexpectedlysinglemum good Q

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