Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Original poster

Advice on half sisters

125 replies

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:07

Long story short… I have 3 children with 2 mums. I am currently going through a divorce and dealing with the consequences of that from the mother of my eldest 2, who are both in primary school. Whilst they know they have a half sister, who is under 1, they are yet to meet. The arrival of my youngest has played a big part in the marriage breakdown but I could not abandon the baby, and am doing everything I can to rebuild my life with my 3 kids at the centre of it. But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay? Thoughts welcome on quite a unique situation. And yes I know I’ve f*ckd up so no lectures needed! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:54

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:51

No not shy - I was looking for advice

Show quote history

That was a typo. WHY arent you?

there seems to be no reason at all why you wouldnt be given alternate weekends at least. So why arent you?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:54

My advice when dealing with the mum of the first two is to be as humble as you can be as thankful as you can for how she's dealing with things, acknowledge she could weaponise the children but isn't, admit you let her down and she didn't deserve to be cheated on like that, basically never stop apologizing and do what you can to make her life easier. She won't thank you for that but she'll hate you a bit less.
And talk about what the children's rights are (to know their half siblings) rather than what is you or her right

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:54

favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:51

I feel like I should also add that it seems like you're not fully taking responsibility and appreciating quite what a massive shit storm you have created and how you only seem to be thinking about what you want. What do your two eldest children want, are they interested in meeting the baby?

Said that in my OP. The question was to gather advice on how to proceed in everyone's best interests not just mine. Otherwise I would have just cracked on by now

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:55

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:52

I have my own accommodation that can house everyone safely. All stay with me regularly and are comfortable doing so

Show quote history

So why not have them all at the same time?

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:56

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:50

Have you asked your big girls if they want to meet the baby?

They have shown interest in doing so at some stage yes

OP posts:
favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:56

I think that's your answer then. 'At some stage' - I wouldn't push this until they're ready

GameOverBoys · 09/08/2023 23:57

How often do you have your children?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:57

You could also say to the mum of older ones that you're thinking of taking daughters to meet the baby (eg they could go with you to the baby 3 mums door and take baby out in a pram if baby 3's mum is ok with that) just briefly on their day with you. What are her thoughts about it and does she have any questions or things she wants you to consider before you do this. Then you can talk together about how you might address those concerns.

Newandtrying · 09/08/2023 23:58

Give it time, the children and mother will indicate when everyone’s ready

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:58

How frequently and for how long are you having the youngest?

honestly, sooner is better. Nothing to be gained from dragging this out. Get it into routine asap.

Original poster
eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:54

My advice when dealing with the mum of the first two is to be as humble as you can be as thankful as you can for how she's dealing with things, acknowledge she could weaponise the children but isn't, admit you let her down and she didn't deserve to be cheated on like that, basically never stop apologizing and do what you can to make her life easier. She won't thank you for that but she'll hate you a bit less.
And talk about what the children's rights are (to know their half siblings) rather than what is you or her right

Thank you I shall bear that in mind. And that is why I've not forced the issue so far or really talked about it to everyone. I've seen my 2 eldest on some days and my youngest on other days so that I am Co-parenting, but not all at the same time yet

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:59

I'm speaking as someone who's ex left me while pregnant and wondering if he gets someone else pregnant soon how I'd want him to deal with that with our child

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:00

GameOverBoys · 09/08/2023 23:57

How often do you have your children?

I see eldest 2 on 3-4 days a week. And youngest on 1-2 days a week

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 00:01

There's an Instagram account called raisingboys2men which is good- he's a non resident parent to boys from different mums and he talks a lot about how he wants to make sure they know they are proper full brothers not feel like half brothers and how he does this, he's probably a good one for you to follow (even though you sound like a terrible partner you sound like you want to be as good a dad as you can be!)

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:01

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:58

How frequently and for how long are you having the youngest?

honestly, sooner is better. Nothing to be gained from dragging this out. Get it into routine asap.

That is my thought but wanted to gain advice on the impact of that

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 00:02

I've seen my 2 eldest on some days and my youngest on other days
what does this mean, ‘seen’ them?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 00:03

I think, after consultation with their mum, soon with the older girls you could give them a present 'from' the baby and then take them shopping to choose something for the baby if they want to. Then meet the baby quickly on a pram walk to give the present and give back to baby's mum quite quickly so they don't feel like they are sharing their dad time with baby (yet).

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:03

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 00:01

There's an Instagram account called raisingboys2men which is good- he's a non resident parent to boys from different mums and he talks a lot about how he wants to make sure they know they are proper full brothers not feel like half brothers and how he does this, he's probably a good one for you to follow (even though you sound like a terrible partner you sound like you want to be as good a dad as you can be!)

Thanks for that - it's hard to find people in similar situations, but as ppl have pointed out it's probably not that rare. Oh yep I fckd up but have tried to take accountability and be the best dad I can to all of them - they did not deserve this

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 00:04

eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:00

I see eldest 2 on 3-4 days a week. And youngest on 1-2 days a week

Show quote history

So you have four different overnights each week?

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:04

ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 00:02

I've seen my 2 eldest on some days and my youngest on other days
what does this mean, ‘seen’ them?

Every week it's 3-4 days with eldest 2 and 1-2 days with youngest as further away from me

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:06

favouriteyellowsocks · 09/08/2023 23:56

I think that's your answer then. 'At some stage' - I wouldn't push this until they're ready

I probably need to talk more about it so that the right time can be ascertained - not talking fully and openly delays things

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 00:07

eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:04

Every week it's 3-4 days with eldest 2 and 1-2 days with youngest as further away from me

Show quote history

3-4 days with eldest two means 4 days 3 over nights some weeks, 3 days two overnights a week? So 50-50?

And the youngest essentially a one night weekend?

ANd you also work full time?

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 00:03

I think, after consultation with their mum, soon with the older girls you could give them a present 'from' the baby and then take them shopping to choose something for the baby if they want to. Then meet the baby quickly on a pram walk to give the present and give back to baby's mum quite quickly so they don't feel like they are sharing their dad time with baby (yet).

I like this idea - my eldest 2 know their mums thoughts on their half sister so they will feel torn. Small steps sound better than no steps at the moment

OP posts:
Kowaii · 10/08/2023 00:09

How long has it been? I’d be doing everything I could not to upset your wife tbh until the anger dies down. The other mum sounds like she’s civil so that’s an easier relationship to maintain. Ignore the posters hounding you about non relevant information. You’re a man, so you’re going to get a lot of shit on this site.

ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 00:10

Kowaii · 10/08/2023 00:09

How long has it been? I’d be doing everything I could not to upset your wife tbh until the anger dies down. The other mum sounds like she’s civil so that’s an easier relationship to maintain. Ignore the posters hounding you about non relevant information. You’re a man, so you’re going to get a lot of shit on this site.

It's been a year. She has had long enough.