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Original poster

Advice on half sisters

125 replies

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:07

Long story short… I have 3 children with 2 mums. I am currently going through a divorce and dealing with the consequences of that from the mother of my eldest 2, who are both in primary school. Whilst they know they have a half sister, who is under 1, they are yet to meet. The arrival of my youngest has played a big part in the marriage breakdown but I could not abandon the baby, and am doing everything I can to rebuild my life with my 3 kids at the centre of it. But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay? Thoughts welcome on quite a unique situation. And yes I know I’ve f*ckd up so no lectures needed! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 23/09/2023 20:11

Yep I’m trying my best - don’t have any other option. But I have royally fcked up. I’m very conscious it will hurt my ex wife, them seeing their half sister, but I think my eldest 2 will be sensitive of the circumstances and not antagonise their mum

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 23/09/2023 20:23

eja1070 · 22/09/2023 22:11

I asked my eldest tonight how she felt and she said she was really worried about what her mum thinks about them meeting, and that she’s also nervous but wants to meet her. So she’s really torn bless her. Will just keep the conversations going

Playing devil's advocate...does she actually want to meet the baby?

Or does she not want to upset you, and says "Oh I'd love to...but I'm too worried about mummy" as the easy opt out.

Kettletoast · 03/10/2023 09:23

At least you have some empathy that this will be hurting the mother of the child 1&2

Im in her position but haven’t blocked the contact he wanted between all 3 kids

And yes it is painful especially when they come home talking about her but it’s their right to see her

Original poster
eja1070 · 03/10/2023 19:58

So they have now met albeit briefly. I checked with my eldest first who was comfortable to do so and they both enjoyed meeting her for a couple of hours. My ex is adamant that she’s not letting them have a relationship with their half sister and told me that I’m not allowed to talk about her to them when they stay with me. They now must feel torn knowing how much their mum hates the baby.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 03/10/2023 22:39

@eja1070 well she has no control over what you talk about does she? I would just normalise it and not be hush hush about it.

You ARE doing the right thing. Please don't be ordered around because you feel guilty by someone who clearly doesn't have her children's best interests at heart. She could be doing so much more to make this transition easier for all concerned.

Original poster
eja1070 · 04/10/2023 19:10

Thank you @Stomacharmeleon I needed to hear that. As hard as it may be, she needs to help adapt as she can’t just cancel a baby and pretend it’s not happened. Other than just keep normalising the situation and helping them adapt, what else can I do with my ex wife?? She even disbelieved the DNA test I did and has got my eldest 2 calling the baby ‘that thing’ 😞

OP posts:
Kettletoast · 04/10/2023 19:15

Get proper child arrangements in place for the first two so you have regular scheduled time with them ?

Then bit by bit increase the amount of time their little sister is there until they are all there together??

Nicesoup · 04/10/2023 20:11

Whatsmyusername1235 · 22/09/2023 23:58

I feel sorry for the ex wife. She probably doesn’t want the children coming home and talking about the baby, must be a really painful reminder for her.

No doubt it is but the situation is what it is. The new baby exists.

Original poster
eja1070 · 04/10/2023 21:08

At what point does the toxic situation become emotional abuse (she says things in front of eldest 2 such as telling me they hate me, the baby is a b*stard, that I should die, blocks contact, lies to the child maintenance service to get more money, etc). The more it continues the more I think they are better in my care? I’m UK based and have been dealing with childcare in mediation for now.

OP posts:
Whatsmyusername1235 · 04/10/2023 21:20

Nicesoup · 04/10/2023 20:11

No doubt it is but the situation is what it is. The new baby exists.

Show quote history

@Nicesoup yes I know but why should she be constantly reminded of that. This is why you should keep it on your pants when you’re married. It is a messy situation for sure but the OP only has himself to blame. What’s done is done but I don’t blame the ex wife for making his life difficult.

Stomacharmeleon · 04/10/2023 22:39

@eja1070 have maintenance paid direct. And pay the set amount. If your going to do and pay extra then do it on your watch. I would not be playing ball if someone was running me down constantly. Yes you have undoubtedly made a king sized error of judgment but it's about moving forward.
And set up access and arrangements in stone.
How do you know she says things? Get out of allowing your children to report back to you. You just need a calm, supportive atmosphere for all your children.
I would nip all the nastiness in the bud by refusing to engage. Just keep it about the children

melurim · 05/10/2023 09:41

yes I know but why should she be constantly reminded of that. This is why you should keep it on your pants when you’re married. It is a messy situation for sure but the OP only has himself to blame. What’s done is done but I don’t blame the ex wife for making his life difficult

But she's making life difficult for her own children

Original poster
eja1070 · 07/10/2023 18:26

melurim · 05/10/2023 09:41

yes I know but why should she be constantly reminded of that. This is why you should keep it on your pants when you’re married. It is a messy situation for sure but the OP only has himself to blame. What’s done is done but I don’t blame the ex wife for making his life difficult

But she's making life difficult for her own children

Now she knows they have met she has told me I'm not allowed to see my eldest 2 without a court order

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 07/10/2023 21:42

@eja1070 in your position I would be going to court to shore up your access and put maintenance on an official footing.

Do what she is asking basically.

Original poster
eja1070 · 14/10/2023 09:14

My eldest (10) has stated she doesn't want to see her half sister again after their first meet. I understand it's strange for her. What do I do now? Accept it's just how it needs to be at the moment and revisit later down the line? Anyone have any experiences of this type of rejection towards a parents new child?

OP posts:
Splitscreened · 14/10/2023 09:23

eja1070 · 23/09/2023 20:11

Yep I’m trying my best - don’t have any other option. But I have royally fcked up. I’m very conscious it will hurt my ex wife, them seeing their half sister, but I think my eldest 2 will be sensitive of the circumstances and not antagonise their mum

I don’t think that’s a fair responsibility to to put on two primary school aged children, and it sounds as if your ten year old is signalling that when she says she doesn’t want to see the baby again. Respect her wishes.

Candleabra · 14/10/2023 09:55

A lot of the advice said to wait and keep the peace with your ex wife until things were less raw. You ploughed on and ignored her feelings.

In the current situation I would concentrate on being a good father to all the children. Separately for now. In time this may bring back the trust you have destroyed.

ChristmasCrumpet · 14/10/2023 11:29

Candleabra · 14/10/2023 09:55

A lot of the advice said to wait and keep the peace with your ex wife until things were less raw. You ploughed on and ignored her feelings.

In the current situation I would concentrate on being a good father to all the children. Separately for now. In time this may bring back the trust you have destroyed.

Yeah, pretty much this.

You've ruined lives, and have then sort of gone "well it's done now, so..." and expected everyone to just come round to the situation, without any real regard for the utter carnage you've left in your wake.

2chocolateoranges · 14/10/2023 11:37

You need to change the narrative that their little sister wasn’t to blame for your mistake. Daddy did something he shouldn’t have but as a result they have a beautiful little sister who would love to spend time with her sisters.

I still a shame your ex wife can’t keep her adult feelings to herself rather than involving 2 young children. .

ChristmasCrumpet · 14/10/2023 11:57

You also seem unbelievably unaware that it's not a lovely cute little baby to them. (Kids and exW)

The baby is a living, breathing, visual reminder of the reason why they now have a broken home. Not the reason. That's you. But as you very clearly state, the baby can't "unhappen" and that makes it worse for them, not makes them think "ah well, these things happen". This reminder is there for the rest of their lives. And they have to sit, with their future they thought they had, shattered, while you act like a brilliant dad to this new child.

You think your children won't have made the connection that you didn't seem to care about being a brilliant dad to them and breaking their home...but you have a double standard for how you expect them to treat your new child?

Original poster
eja1070 · 14/10/2023 13:07

Candleabra · 14/10/2023 09:55

A lot of the advice said to wait and keep the peace with your ex wife until things were less raw. You ploughed on and ignored her feelings.

In the current situation I would concentrate on being a good father to all the children. Separately for now. In time this may bring back the trust you have destroyed.

Equally people advised me to try and own the situation. So that they don't only hear the narrative of a mum who openly abuses their half sister. I didn't let them meet until they told me they were ready and said it was ok. and for the past 9 months I've been cautious about talking about her or showing pictures, etc. They had started to communicate and were open to meeting her, so it was done based on that. I didn't just plough on nor did I expect for 1 second everything would fall into place.

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 14/10/2023 13:10

ChristmasCrumpet · 14/10/2023 11:57

You also seem unbelievably unaware that it's not a lovely cute little baby to them. (Kids and exW)

The baby is a living, breathing, visual reminder of the reason why they now have a broken home. Not the reason. That's you. But as you very clearly state, the baby can't "unhappen" and that makes it worse for them, not makes them think "ah well, these things happen". This reminder is there for the rest of their lives. And they have to sit, with their future they thought they had, shattered, while you act like a brilliant dad to this new child.

You think your children won't have made the connection that you didn't seem to care about being a brilliant dad to them and breaking their home...but you have a double standard for how you expect them to treat your new child?

I am very much aware. I live with the consequences everyday. What would you propose I do instead? Not try to make things better? Not acknowledge my mistakes? Not give everyone the chance to adapt? Not be a good dad ever again?

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 14/10/2023 13:15

2chocolateoranges · 14/10/2023 11:37

You need to change the narrative that their little sister wasn’t to blame for your mistake. Daddy did something he shouldn’t have but as a result they have a beautiful little sister who would love to spend time with her sisters.

I still a shame your ex wife can’t keep her adult feelings to herself rather than involving 2 young children. .

Thank you - I have said that it's not the case. That they are all innocent in this and that their half sister just wants to be loved by them. I've also said that we will still talk about her whilst we are together, and when they are ready we can revisit meetings. When they are with their mum she has said she will stop being abusive about her and if they want to see her in the future she will 'cross that bridge when it comes'

OP posts:
Hellandbackand · 14/10/2023 13:19

So look your ex is clearly hurt and upset. Doesn't matter why and all the questions on affair are kind of irrelevant. You are where you are now.
The elder girls have a right to meet their half sib and you have the right to combine the family. Your ex may be fuming but no court will stop you from parenting the 3 together in this scenario.

So either you think ex will calm down, so take it slowly and ask her what she thinks would be acceptable etc etc. Or ex will never calm down as she hates your guts, in which case just get it all made official in a CAO. The CAO won't specify that your other new baby has to be absent the days you have your kids. It will be more antagonistic but some people will never ever forgive. So easier to get it nailed officially

wizzywig · 14/10/2023 14:27

Will you be moving in with your affair partner when your divorce comes through?