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Original poster

Advice on half sisters

125 replies

eja1070 · 09/08/2023 23:07

Long story short… I have 3 children with 2 mums. I am currently going through a divorce and dealing with the consequences of that from the mother of my eldest 2, who are both in primary school. Whilst they know they have a half sister, who is under 1, they are yet to meet. The arrival of my youngest has played a big part in the marriage breakdown but I could not abandon the baby, and am doing everything I can to rebuild my life with my 3 kids at the centre of it. But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay? Thoughts welcome on quite a unique situation. And yes I know I’ve f*ckd up so no lectures needed! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:11

Kowaii · 10/08/2023 00:09

How long has it been? I’d be doing everything I could not to upset your wife tbh until the anger dies down. The other mum sounds like she’s civil so that’s an easier relationship to maintain. Ignore the posters hounding you about non relevant information. You’re a man, so you’re going to get a lot of shit on this site.

Moved out last year, baby only just over 6 months old, divorce being processed, so still a lot to sort and agree with the ex wife. I'm trying not to antagonise her more but also want us to all adapt and live up to the reality - hence feeling torn

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 10/08/2023 00:24

Not great for the kids. Doubt the eldest 2 are going to be much interested in a baby. When they are with you all the focus would be on a baby at that age so they will feel even more pushed out

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:27

Wishitsnows · 10/08/2023 00:24

Not great for the kids. Doubt the eldest 2 are going to be much interested in a baby. When they are with you all the focus would be on a baby at that age so they will feel even more pushed out

What would you advice? Waiting until they are all a lot older?

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 10/08/2023 00:40

Sorry but I disagree and would be pushing for the 'new normal' sooner rather than later. How are you managing to juggle all of that and work? Surely it would be better for all to have your children as a family? Obviously in small increments first and build up before it becomes a problem.

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 00:45

Stomacharmeleon · 10/08/2023 00:40

Sorry but I disagree and would be pushing for the 'new normal' sooner rather than later. How are you managing to juggle all of that and work? Surely it would be better for all to have your children as a family? Obviously in small increments first and build up before it becomes a problem.

Just finding a way to juggle! It's my mess so the way I view it is I've got to just make it work. But you are right, it is not sustainable forever having everything separate. It's just trying to build up slowly I guess

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/08/2023 01:01

I would think your older children should meet their younger sibling as soon as possible, but to plan it so that it is initially only for a couple of hours. I wouldn’t plan to have extended or overnight contact with all 3 siblings together for some time, probably until the youngest is older and less demanding of time and once they have built some bonds. Don’t push for them to immediately feel like sisters, but equally I don’t see any benefit to not introducing the children to each other.

I would start with a short introduction at your house for just an hour or so and build up to having all 3 kids out for a few hours to do things like going to the park, going out for lunch or having them all at your house for an afternoon. If you have another adult family member on your side who your kids know that can join you (eg: their grandparent, aunt, uncle) that might help so that you have someone else who can be there and hold the baby if necessary and help ensure all 3 kids feel they are getting a share of their dad and none of your 3 girls feels pushed out by the others.

Pufflebow · 10/08/2023 01:11

your op really evaded the point that you’d had an affair, minimises your responsibility and instead focuses on how it was a bit inconvenient to you to have two families.
so firstly I’d recommend not talking about it in those terms with either of the mums or any of the kids.

secondly, you have joint custody of them all, just ask the eldest if they’d like to meet the baby, and what they’d like to do?
get them a gift maybe from the baby or take them shopping for a gift for the baby or something else to make them feel special and involved and not replaced.
be open to conversation, tell them you love them constantly. I think you’re over complicating it, just do it. Obviously tell the ex wife first. You don’t have to, but you should.

Do everything you can to make this easier on ex wife. Think about her and her feelings and not yourself.
the only thing is you said she’s annoyed or something at the baby. As pp said this entire thing needs reframing, it’s you she’s annoyed at. It’s not the baby’s fault, don’t think that, don’t say that, don’t create that idea with your eldest.

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 01:16

Pufflebow · 10/08/2023 01:11

your op really evaded the point that you’d had an affair, minimises your responsibility and instead focuses on how it was a bit inconvenient to you to have two families.
so firstly I’d recommend not talking about it in those terms with either of the mums or any of the kids.

secondly, you have joint custody of them all, just ask the eldest if they’d like to meet the baby, and what they’d like to do?
get them a gift maybe from the baby or take them shopping for a gift for the baby or something else to make them feel special and involved and not replaced.
be open to conversation, tell them you love them constantly. I think you’re over complicating it, just do it. Obviously tell the ex wife first. You don’t have to, but you should.

Do everything you can to make this easier on ex wife. Think about her and her feelings and not yourself.
the only thing is you said she’s annoyed or something at the baby. As pp said this entire thing needs reframing, it’s you she’s annoyed at. It’s not the baby’s fault, don’t think that, don’t say that, don’t create that idea with your eldest.

Thanks for replying. The OP wasn't about the circumstances, more the consequences and advice on it. I wasn't evading what's happened and nor have I in my everyday life. I'm living with and facing up to the consequences. Nobody is saying it's the baby's fault, but clearly my ex wife has the right to her feelings. I've said many times I'm to blame so please don't think I'm not because I didn't write it. The progressive steps make a lot of sense and means adapting but doing so in a staged way

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 01:18

MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/08/2023 01:01

I would think your older children should meet their younger sibling as soon as possible, but to plan it so that it is initially only for a couple of hours. I wouldn’t plan to have extended or overnight contact with all 3 siblings together for some time, probably until the youngest is older and less demanding of time and once they have built some bonds. Don’t push for them to immediately feel like sisters, but equally I don’t see any benefit to not introducing the children to each other.

I would start with a short introduction at your house for just an hour or so and build up to having all 3 kids out for a few hours to do things like going to the park, going out for lunch or having them all at your house for an afternoon. If you have another adult family member on your side who your kids know that can join you (eg: their grandparent, aunt, uncle) that might help so that you have someone else who can be there and hold the baby if necessary and help ensure all 3 kids feel they are getting a share of their dad and none of your 3 girls feels pushed out by the others.

Thanks for this. There seems to be some common steps ppl are suggesting that mean things can progress but sensitively for all involved. Which is why it might seem like im over complicating things as that's what I've been unsure on how to do

OP posts:
Kowaii · 10/08/2023 06:41

Would the baby’s mum be ok with you FaceTiming her when you’re with your older girls? They could meet their baby sister over FaceTime first for a gentle introduction.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 07:31

Wishitsnows · 10/08/2023 00:24

Not great for the kids. Doubt the eldest 2 are going to be much interested in a baby. When they are with you all the focus would be on a baby at that age so they will feel even more pushed out

Disagree with that, imagine if it was their 'full' not half sister they'd probably love to have a baby at home and be very helpful that's how my friends with big age gals experience their older kids

GameOverBoys · 10/08/2023 09:07

I think it’s in the best interests of the children that they know each other. If I had a chance at another sibling I want to know then. The hurt from your indiscretions will fade in time but they will be sisters forever.
I like the idea that they get each other gifts and meet briefly. I’m think an honest conversation with the older girls mum solely focusing on what’s best for the kids is in order.

User5653218 · 10/08/2023 09:19

What's best for the kids is that they can be as full a part of their dad's family as they choose to be. Years down the line I've seen the damage that keeping families apart can do.

It sounds right now like mum1 is letting her feelings get in the way of that. I'd have pretty strong feelings too if my dh had an affair, let alone one that resulted in a baby. But your dds' feelings should be more important.

You should be standing up for your dds' rights to be as involved in your family as they are comfortable with. And the reality is that your family now is three daughters.

Talk to your older girls to get a sense of how ready they are and take it from there. Small steps, an hour in the park or something, and see how it goes.

DinnaeFashYersel · 10/08/2023 09:57

But at some stage I want them to meet so we can start living and normalising that reality

Just get on with it. It won't get easier putting it off. The older children need to bond with their sibling.

Just do it.

InspectorGidget · 10/08/2023 10:50

There are no half children here. They are all your children and on your time you can have them altogether.

It will be hard for your ex but the sooner your older children meet their sibling and understand they are daddy's child too, the better. If your ex is painting the baby to be sone kind of daddy stealer, that's not fair on any of the children.

You've accepted this mess is of your creating but you don't have to be dictated to about what you do on your time with your children and the longer it goes on the worse it will be.

Introduce them slowly, don't make the older two feel they have to keep any secrets from their mum. They are allowed to love their sibling.

readingmynightaway · 10/08/2023 11:09

Talk with your children about meeting the baby and your wish for them to do so.
Emotional, yes, perhaps keep it a simple meet.
How others perceive it is their problem it is a half-sister.
Let them deal with their emotions, not the mothers' anger towards an innocent baby.

Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 14:11

readingmynightaway · 10/08/2023 11:09

Talk with your children about meeting the baby and your wish for them to do so.
Emotional, yes, perhaps keep it a simple meet.
How others perceive it is their problem it is a half-sister.
Let them deal with their emotions, not the mothers' anger towards an innocent baby.

Great advice thank you - if I forever hold back because of others nobody will get the chance to make it work

OP posts:
Original poster
eja1070 · 10/08/2023 14:12

InspectorGidget · 10/08/2023 10:50

There are no half children here. They are all your children and on your time you can have them altogether.

It will be hard for your ex but the sooner your older children meet their sibling and understand they are daddy's child too, the better. If your ex is painting the baby to be sone kind of daddy stealer, that's not fair on any of the children.

You've accepted this mess is of your creating but you don't have to be dictated to about what you do on your time with your children and the longer it goes on the worse it will be.

Introduce them slowly, don't make the older two feel they have to keep any secrets from their mum. They are allowed to love their sibling.

Thanks for this! I am concerned the longer they are kept apart the weirder it will probably be. Almost like prolonging the secret.

OP posts:
Pompom2367 · 10/08/2023 14:18

I would speak to your eldest two and see how they feel they may not be ready to meet her

Original poster
eja1070 · 19/09/2023 22:46

Thanks for the advice before. Bit of an update. My eldest 2 have displayed an interest in knowing and meeting their little half sister, and already exchanged letters and gifts. The next step was to have a facetime or a brief meetup.

The issue is my eldest 2's mum has such hatred for the baby (because of the background) that they are now scared to engage further in case she gets upset, etc.

My ex-wife is building a narrative to me that they don't want contact at all with their half-sister when they clearly do and have already. The whole situation is hard enough for my eldest 2 as it is, and I'm trying to be sensitive and patient and not rush which has been beneficial to allow them to ask questions, look at photos, etc. But their mum is also building a narrative to them that their half-sister is evil by constant name calling or vitriol, so they are now caught in the middle.

I don't know how to move forward as waiting for permission will take forever. I've tried to not rush anything and be empathetic of the circumstance, but I want them to have a relationship on their terms, not their mums.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 22/09/2023 22:05

@eja1070 you are just going to have to push back. It's not just her narrative. It's your children's lives. All of them.

Original poster
eja1070 · 22/09/2023 22:11

I asked my eldest tonight how she felt and she said she was really worried about what her mum thinks about them meeting, and that she’s also nervous but wants to meet her. So she’s really torn bless her. Will just keep the conversations going

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2023 22:38

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 23:49

And honestly, it isnt at all complex. You had an affair. Without contraception. Got someone pregnant. Now have three children to support. It honestly isnt at all complex or unusual.

the children are all young and adaptable.

there is no reason at all why you cant just start having them all at the same time.

so shy arent you?

He's obv being a dick but I don't think he's claiming to not be able to, he's asking when is a good time to do it.

Op you need to talk to your girls and see if they want to meet baby. Ask OW of you can have her for a few hours on a longer visit with the girls. Baby comes, plays, goes. Then build it up. Keep EW in the loop. Don't bring the baby to pick or drop offs. Don't cancel on older kids cos of baby.

How often do you see both? I'd aim for some time together and some time apart so they all still get you just being THEIR dad.

Different circs in that there was no unfaithfulness but my half sister is 8 yes younger (and 11 younger than my older full sister), we grew up seeing her once a week or so, sometimes less, but as adults we all have a pretty equal relationship, as much as possible when you grow up in the house with one and not the other

secom · 22/09/2023 23:20

No practical advice as no experience in this situation OP, but we all make mistakes and don't always cover ourselves in glory. None of us. But it sounds to me like you're a decent dad trying to balance the needs of 3 daughters and 2 women. Plus your own needs. And it's fine for you to have needs to.

Ignore the often held view here that due to infidelity you need to be permanently dressed in sack cloth and ashes and have the word gobshite running through you like a stick of rock. Good luck.

Whatsmyusername1235 · 22/09/2023 23:58

I feel sorry for the ex wife. She probably doesn’t want the children coming home and talking about the baby, must be a really painful reminder for her.