Advice on half sisters

[eja1070]

Long story short… I have 3 children with 2 mums. I am currently going through a divorce and dealing with the consequences of that from the mother of my eldest 2, who are both in primary school. Whilst they know they have a half sister, who is under 1, they are yet to meet. The arrival of my youngest has played a big part in the marriage breakdown but I could not abandon the baby, and am doing everything I can to rebuild my life with my 3 kids at the centre of it. But bringing them together is hard for many reasons, but it’s where I need to get to, to not have 2 families - should I put timelines on it, should I push forward as soon as possible, should I delay? Thoughts welcome on quite a unique situation. And yes I know I’ve f*ckd up so no lectures needed! Thanks in advance.

You seem to be trying to force this.

They are all understandably very upset. None of them wanted this, and it's ok for them to feel this way right now. It's entirely normal for them to feel this way right now.

It might not be forever, but you're trying to force something that feels absolutely unnatural to everyone else.

Let them ask to see the child in their own time. Until then, you need to be spending time with your original children, one to one, doing everything to reassure them that they are still your priority. Because everything you're doing, despite with the best intentions, is because it's what you want. And it's about time you stopped putting your desires first, that's what's caused all this in the first place.

But if I’m reading this right, the half-sister is a small baby and has no desire at all at this point to ‘be loved by them’. This is all coming from you, and appears to be driven by your narrative of ‘moving on’, ‘adapting’ etc.

@eja1070 I would still go down the official route. You could cause irreparable damage to their relationship by dithering because of the situation. It can't be undone so prioritise your children. All of them.

@ChristmasCrumpet you are right 100%

Wondering the same! I see my friends children this often but I don't consider myself as co-parenting them

It's all about this baby isn't it. You seem thrilled this child of an affair has been born. Whether you want to admit it or not, the favouritism is glaringly obvious throughout this whole thread.

Are you dismayed that your other woman hasn't set up with you, now your exW has kicked you out, and this baby is your connection to her?

Your children are literally telling you they don't want to see this baby again. Completely understandable, completely normal. But there you are, immediately with "well if we're not seeing the baby, we're still taking about the baby then".

No one in this set up wants this baby right now, why can you not see that? What do you think forcing this is doing? Stop blaming your exW as well, she's not helping but your children are not 2, they have worked out what's happened themselves as well.

Have you looked into a vasectomy? What's done is done but at least if you take this step your older girls won't have to worry about this happening all over again.

Keep seeing them separately and try to put their needs first.

There isn't any favouritism and I'm not thrilled about the situation clearly. I spend 50% of my time with my eldest 2, and we have lovely times together. They are adapting to the situation. And 30% with my youngest. And bar one occasion for a couple of hours it has been entirely separate.

I also don't think it's healthy to pretend that the baby doesn't exist, and I'm trying to do things at the right pace. The meeting was understandably hard and I'm not going to push for it again until its right.

I second considering getting the snip. Effectively you have thrown a generade in your children's lives. It's not the babies faults but it's what's it represents. The future of their family unit lost, two homes, witnessing their mother break down after an affair, the embrassment of a new sibling their dad had to another woman who he isn't even with. At 10 there are very self aware. There will be a mixture of feelings here. Was it all worth it?

Do you realise if you don't talk about something, it doesn't mean you're pretending it doesn't exist.

I haven't mentioned my mother all morning, yet strangely my 3 year olds would be confident of her existing.

You don't even realise you're doing it, do you? It's all about the baby.

Never said it was but I'm having to deal with it and ask for advice not a kicking

@ChristmasCrumpet we will agree to differ. You're assuming I'm throwing it down their throat. You don't know me or what we discuss. The reason I am talking about the baby is that is something I originally asked for advice on

What is clear is that the only advice you want, is "oh this poor little baby, who just deserves it's sister's love, let's make that happen". Anything realistic, you shrug of as "yeah well I've done it now, so that's that." It's only your poor little baby. It's their living proof that you shattered their lives forever. And will be around forever. This isn't like 5yrs post divorce, a child sharing parental custody, used to separate houses, used to a new step parent, having to try and adjust to a new half sibling. This is an affair baby. It's not the same. Many affair babies aren't ever part of the original family, for the exact reason you are seeing. The very circumstances under which they came to exist were so traumatic for that original family, that they want no connection to any part of that, and this is quite understandable. And yes, it's also sad for the baby, it didn't do anything wrong. Just one more person who's life didn't have to be that way, but hey, you chose to have an affair and that was what mattered to you.

It's not going to happen, any time soon for sure. In the future? If you're lucky, maybe but certainly not guaranteed. You come across massively as a victim, no one has given you a "kicking" you just don't like hearing the facts of what you've done.

Thanks for your negative view on the world @ChristmasCrumpet. Let's all just give up shall we? Equally positive things can happen in the future and I will pray that happens. If it takes time so be it, and I will try to make it work for everyone.

My OP was to get advice from people who may have similar experiences. I have never said I'm the victim. I have taken responsibility for my actions and live with the consequences.

Appreciate the sentiment

Lol I'm not negative. I'm realistic, and you don't want to hear it because that means properly admitting the scale of horrendous destruction you've caused.

You are delusional I'm afraid if you think it's me personally, just being negative. And I don't mean that offensively, I mean it literally. You are absolutely deluded about what you've done. There is no "positive" here for any of them.

Phrase your question differently. "I've destroyed my wife. I've destroyed my children's mother. I've destroyed all of their futures. I've broken a home. I deceived and betrayed all of them. All of this was less important to me than shagging someone else. As further by product to all the deceit, destruction and betrayal, I let the other woman get pregnant, and whilst I've shown my children just how little I thought of them, I'm now showing them I dote over the affair baby. Yeah, yeah I'm a baddy. Why won't everyone just get on?" How do I make my children love this baby?"

Do you hear that out loud? It's not negative. It's not a kicking. It's what you did. And if it sits so badly with you to merely hear that, then try and grasp what you've actually done to your wife and family who lived it.

They are unlikely to ever fully accept this child. Did you think there would be sisterly love shining through because it's dads affair baby? The only reason you want them too, is so you can have them all on the same day, to make your life easier.

Oh, and another thing, while you continue to claim you don't favouritise the baby, why is the baby the only one you spend one to one time with? Why do your two children get a shared 50%, so 25% each at best, always with another child in the background, yet you make the time for 30% one to one time with a baby?

I honestly don't think you realise the magnitude of the damage you've done to your eldest children OP. The consequences of which will unfold over many, many years well into their adult lives. Deep down, they will struggle to trust any man they have a relationship with as the primary male role model they had blew their world apart and couldn't be trusted. Please don't kid yourself that this isn't how they'll see it deep down, they won't ever fully trust you because you've demonstrated by your actions how much damage you can do.

A member of my family was conceived as a result of any affair. Her parents didn't end up in a relationship so she didn't see them as a couple. She was stonewalled by the children of her dad's first marriage. She's had problems with self esteem her whole life and has had one broken relationship after another. Now in her 40s she's a functioning alcoholic whose still not fully settled down. You could see the seeds early on because she never really felt like she fitted in anywhere.

There's no happy ending here OP, just all the poor kids who are the real victims of this shit show left to work out their own demons as they grow up. The best you can do is keep them separated and try to be as supportive as you can to each child.

Also, pay for the therapy they're going to need as they get older.

Just to add, I'm not being negative. I've had a ring side seat on watching a very similar situation unfold over decades. So my post is based on experience, which is what you asked for.

So basically “when will everyone I supposedly loved move on from me destroying their lives because it’s been a full year now and I , the Man, want to get things moving..?”

I despair.

Not saying that at all. Was asking for advice on how to manage the situation. Thanks for your input

@Darkandstormynite @ChristmasCrumpet - I see my eldest 2 on their own 3-4 days / nights a week. This is entirely independent of my youngest who I see 1-2 nights a week. I am doing my best to see all 3 who live with their mums the rest of the time.

In the 9 months she has existed they have had 2 hours together in person. Prior to that I have tried to have sensitive conversations about her existence with my eldest 2 and received positive signals from them. Clearly meeting was difficult for my eldest and I am not seeking to arrange anymore as it stands. They have independently wanted to write letters and bought presents. Where I feel it has been appropriate I have not shot it down.

You don't know what I think or feel from 1 thread. My post wasn't - do you think I've fucked up. It was how do we navigate this situation. Thankfully some people on here have given advice rather than a lecture

I think the answers you are getting are from mothers who are angry about the child and the affair. That aside what your ex wife is doing is parent alienation, although she is angry she is not allowed to do this (even what you have done is absolute shit)
You need to take it through the courts, letting them know of the abusive you and you eldest children are receiving

You tried to hide this was an affair right from the start. You obviously left that out thinking this shouldn't particularly factor in to how you should proceed. It's literally the reason why you've ruined all these children's lives, and why your wife is destroyed and acting this way.

And you think listening to the devastation you've caused is a "lecture".

Your selfishness shines through. The very fact after you've ripped all these lives apart, you've got the audacity to say your original children would be better off with you, trapped every day in the utter shit storm you've thrown them into, speaks volumes.

I appreciate we don't know you. All we have to go on, is this thread, and on this thread, you're coming across appallingly to be frank.

I think the problem here is your not prepared to admit how much chaos you caused and you don't want to address the ramifications of your actions in moving forward, this is going to cause long lasting affects on all your children.

If you have proper shared custody of your older DC then I don't think your ex-wife can dictate who the DC meet while in your care.

Meeting the baby while she is a babe in arms is one thing, how you react when said baby gets older and is grabbing your DD's stuff, interferes with games and is a nuisance may have a bigger impact on their relationship.

You had previously mentioned how your older 2 daughters are sensitive to their mother's feelings (don't forget their own emotions will be all over the place, too) but I don't think you appreciate that the same can be said of their responses to YOU in veering towards answers they sense you want to hear, too.
I expect this played a large part in the 'letters, gifts, and expressing a willingness to meet' your new child. As much as you may delude yourself, in reality this was YOUR agenda and thrust upon them. The girls gave positive signals because they are in a head mess, have already lost their sense of security, and lost their father in part, and are complying or seeming willing to please you.
Even if they seem ready again in the future, remember that they are children and not always able to regulate their emotions or forsee how they'll feel 'in the moment' or subsequent to any Happy Families scenarios.

I think in actual fact your priority needs to be focussing on EACH of your 2 older girls as unique individuals rather than as cogs of a larger family. For now concentrate on the father-daughter bonds with them, so that they feel a bit more secure, as be in no doubt that has been eroded and will continue to be fragile at many ages+stages of their lives.