Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

I don't know if you should take him for an assessment. It plays into the narrative that there might be something wrong with him.

I really think you should stand firm that there is nothing wrong with him if that's what you believe, and get social services involved.

You sound like a reasonable and intelligent person and your posts seem well thought out and sensible. That is why I feel you are probably right that there is something going on with his mum, be it FII or just trying to commit benefit fraud.

If you are concerned, please just contact social services. I'll probably be flamed for this but my view is that, for your son's benefit, you should stand firm that there he does not have ASD/ ADHD and don't play into the narrative that you even suspect that there is. If you start taking him for assessments then his mum will want 'second opinions' and he will just get more and more confused.

What appalling advice that doesn't centre the child at all. I'm sure the op will lap it up though.

In what way is this advice not child-centred?

As soon as social services get involved, they will advise on appropriate steps to take and whether or not there should be an assessment.

This boy does not need pulling around to various clinics to have private assessments because his parents are fighting over whether or not there's something wrong with him.

That is not a child-centred approach, it is incredibly confusing.

The best people to resolve this are social services, who can talk to everybody and get the whole pictre of the situation. They may well advise that he needs an assessment to resolve the issue, and if so then of course he should have one .

The risk here is that dad takes him for an assessment, mum disagrees and takes him for an assessment somewhere else, and on and on. That is not helpful. They need a mediator and that is where a social worker comes in.

As soon as social services get involved, they will advise on appropriate steps to take and whether or not there should be an assessment.

It is not the job of the social services to advise whether a child might have adhd or autism.

It is not 'child centred' to accuse a child's mother of FII when there is an ADOS assessment showing that the child has autism that the NHS has accepted.

It is not 'child centred' to put your own vendetta regarding the child's mother above having the child's needs met.

Whatever is going on here, social services will be able to help. Obviously they do not diagnose autism or ADHD, and I did not say they do. I said that they will mediate in what is essentially a family dispute with a child's wellbeing at the centre. That is exactly what social services are for.

Their job is not to mediate against two adults who should be putting the child's needs first.

The SS have been contacted before by OP when he has previously reported his ex wife. They did not get involved.

Why? Well my guess is there is no cause for concern about the ex wife's behaviour.

The person who is exhibiting concerning behaviour here is the OP. Rather than accepting expert reports about his child's needs he's interested in trying to harm his wife.

Actually the child centred approach would be to accept the doctors report, and make sure the child has everything in place to help them succeed instead of accusing the ex of Fil, taking her time and emotional energy away from the child

Absolutely dreadful advice.

Why on earth would you avoid having an assessment for your child in order to get a second opinion, when the only professional assessment that has taken place to date indicated that asd was likely?

Surely the only thing in your mind would be to ensure that you were armed with the most thorough possible assessment so that you can support your child effectively going forwards?

If the second assessment finds that there is no evidence of autism, then that would support the case that the OP is trying to make that the child's mother is inventing things.

If the second assessment results in a diagnosis of autism, then it's much better to be aware so that you can ensure that appropriate support is in place.

The child already knows that there is disagreement between his parents so there would be no mixed messaging here. The OP could simply reassure the child that they were seeking expert advice in order to try to resolve the issue.

And by the way, there is nothing "wrong" with the ds even if he does turn out to have autism.

The op has already called the SS on his ex. He's upping the anti because the authorities aren't acting as if they are his pets and punishing his ex.

As the NHS has already accepted the diagnosis, I'm not quite sure why Social Services would recommend another one?

Similarly, no-one can actually do an armchair diagnosis here.

But no one needs to as he has already had an ADOS assessment.

It plays into the narrative that there might be something wrong with him.

@spelunky you seem to be implying that being autistic means something’s wrong with you? Why would you suggest that?

Of course nobody can do an armchair diagnosis. However, we can all note that, according to the OP, an ADOS assessment was definitely carried out for his ds, resulting in an ADOS score that would highly suggest autism. We can also note that, according to the OP, the NHS have declined to assess the child on two occasions because they accept the private diagnosis that the OP is now describing as an opinion.

Of course, we may all have slightly different interpretations of the above. From my perspective, it seems that the evidence in favour of a possible autism diagnosis seems distinctly more convincing than the evidence which the OP has put forward for the mother fabricating the whole thing. The most obvious solution, in my view, would be to seek an independent professional opinion.

The most obvious solution, in my view, would be to seek an independent professional opinion.

Just seems so sad, vindictive and not in the interests of the child that the OP won't accept the original diagnosis.

As for the allegation of FII in the face of the evidence? Does anyone know if there is come back in the case of a vexatious claim of FII? Seems so unfair that the OPs ex wife can be put through this.

OP:
"The ADOS-2 was completed after my son was met on a single occasion.

No. Him being talked to, assessed, IS the the Ados assesment itself. It's not completed after, that is IT.

Neither my sons school, his GP, his Early Helpworker (who he had at the time) or myself were spoken to as part of the assessment.

We keep telling you that none of these people will be spoken to. The assessment is just your son, being assessed.

The outcome of the ADOS-2 gave a score of 17, 9 indicating a high level of Autism.

OP won't take anything on board, despite being told again and again. May I suggest that this is traits in yourself? Are you sure you yourself don't have ASD traits?

Does anyone know if there is come back in the case of a vexatious claim of FII?

No. There's no come back. Once it's reported it's put on the files. Can never be removed. Even if proved not true.

The OP has acknowledged above that he sees some autistic traits in himself. So it is entirely possible that OP also has undiagnosed ASD and that this might be getting in the way of him seeing the traits in his DS. But that's just speculation, of course, and we have no real way of knowing.

This is correct it’s still on my dc medical notes as I was told ‘it was once the opinion of a professional’ I was allowed to add a letter and evidence proving it was incorrect but it cannot be fully removed

That's awful.

YASSSS!

This.

The more ut goes, the more I agree with @TobeLeRone .

The fact it took so long for the OP to acknowledge he could actually get an assessment himself is telling Imo.

Plus some stuff doesn’t add up….

Thank you for the advice

Let us just see the irony in all of this shall we? Dylan222 has been on his thread ALL day long, endlessly providing more and more "true facts" which cancel each other out. He said at 10 a.m.-ish that he was done sharing/responding. It's nearly 7pm!!! Everyone knows a narcissist. If he isn't the definition of one then I don't know who is! Why do you keep sharing endless conflicting comments when you said you would STOP???? I can only wonder why....

Awesome post