Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

so did my autistic daughter,

She is highly intelligent.

I think your problem is that you have a fixed view of what autism is.

I am not sure whether his mum was present in the assessment or not.

Even if she was she wasn't the one being assessed.

It was your child. He scored very highly.

There is nothing to suggest he is. not autistic. Quite the opposite yet you are accusing your ex wife of making things up!

How awful for her.

I think this is really difficult. My son has recently been diagnosed with ASD but that took about 5 years so in the end I was telling him he was on the autism spectrum as I was so convinced and wanted him to have help and understanding and school had put things in place because of what I said. He masks at school so the evidence is mainly from us. To begin with my husband/ family and friends all disagreed and it’s only upon reading up a lot on the condition that they now realise it’s correct and it becomes more noticeable the older her gets. Some friends are still convinced he isn’t. He is very academic and empathetic but struggles making and keeping friends and controlling his emotions, struggles with fine motor skills and can act emotionally younger than he is. He doesn’t have behavioural issues at school. My point is that ASD is not clear cut and he could be masking his behaviour around you, my husband disagreed with me for the first couple of years with me seeking a diagnosis for our son. Now we have a diagnosis nothing has changed other than us being more aware of our sons needs, there is no treatment as it’s just a different way of looking at things so why would she be lying?

I’ve been accused of FII. It’s a harrowing thing to go through when you’re trying to get a diagnosis/support and instead you find yourself investigated for this.

OP if your child has had an ADOS you need to accept that result . You will damage your child beyond belief if you continue down this path

I dont, Ive seen traits in myself and others, one of my freinds daughter’s has ASD, my understanding is that in ASD the brain is wired differently then in a neurological individual.

So she somehow managed to convince the assessor that her son was autistic whilst not being in the assessment

That's some impressive skills on her part. seems an impossible task to me

I'm definitely not going to flame you. I agree with every word having seen first hand what situations like this can be.

OK, so the "diagnosis" (or whatever it was) was not just an opinion based on a conversation with the mother as you previously suggested. It was based on an ADOS assessment which was presumably carried out by a trained assessor.

It's interesting that you didn't think to mention any of this in your opening post. Indeed, you initially stated that your ds had never been assessed, and that his mother had refused to have him assessed. This only changed when someone pointed out that you had mentioned a diagnosis on a previous thread. You then clarified that, actually, he had been assessed but that you doubted the validity of this assessment. Why didn't you say this at the start, instead of claiming that there hadn't been any assessment at all?

Can you see why this makes your story a little difficult to believe?

It's interesting that you say you have observed autistic traits in yourself. It is possible that you may be autistic yourself and that might be making it more difficult for you to see signs of autism in your son because certain behaviours might seem quite normal to you.

If he does have ASD there is every chance he is masking at school and at your home, all the time absorbing all that stress to let it out at his mum's. She may be seeing a very different side of him than you or the school do.

Totally agree with this. My DGS is on the pathway for ASD and attends a special school. He is very close to me and DH, lived with us for his first few years (with his DM, my DD) - we have him to stay at least weekly. Despite him being very comfortable around us he still masks then more often than not has a meltdown when he gets home to his mum.

The child she describes I rarely see - she's not lying though.

Left thread and curious if you were still syphoning attention, OP, so decided to check. Indeed, you are.
Ffs, you said you'd stop at 10:41am! It's obvious nothing you say can be taken at face value. You refuse to digest any comments. You're a narcissist abuser. Why should I be surprised that you're still looking for people to feed your personality disorder.

Thank you for your help and advice. It has been very useful to get different perspectives, and advice on my question about talking to my son.

There has been some concerns seeming, including people stating that my son is at risk and should be in care :/, so I would just say that he is fine, it’s how to talk about sensitive issues with him and shield him. He got star pupil in one of his lessons yesterday, his mate is coming round after school, they are going to do some messing about in the village probably and gaming and I am getting them chinese

Here are the symptoms of ADHD from the NHS website. I'm sorry but you show me 1 single 12 year old that at least some of these don't apply to and I'll be amazed.

They make careless mistakes in home work, they fidget and chat, they lose their PE kit. These are all normal things for kids that age. The fact that the OP insists that none of these apply to their child is bonkers, that I struggle to believe.

Probably because my sons father and school teachers also didn't believe he had ADHD or didn't want him to be assessed as he thought a label would be negative. If I'd have allowed his father to stand in the way of assessment, I would have let him down

Inattentiveness (difficulty concentrating and focusing)
The main signs of inattentiveness are:
• having a short attention span and being easily distracted
• making careless mistakes – for example, in schoolwork
• appearing forgetful or losing things
• being unable to stick to tasks that are tedious or time-consuming
• appearing to be unable to listen to or carry out instructions
• constantly changing activity or task
• having difficulty organising tasks

Hyperactivity and impulsiveness
The main signs of hyperactivity and impulsiveness are:
• being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings
• constantly fidgeting
• being unable to concentrate on tasks
• excessive physical movement
• excessive talking
• being unable to wait their turn
• acting without thinking
• interrupting conversations
• little or no sense of danger
These symptoms can cause significant problems in a child's life, such as underachievement at school, poor social interaction with other children and adults, and problems with discipline.

OP you are determined that your son is not Autistic or has ADHD.

But what if he is?

Have you considered the harm and consequences of him not getting the support he needs. Blanket denying there is anything wrong seems very small minded to me. He is 12, at secondary school - I'm no expert on this but I've read enough posts from desperately worried parents on here to note that this is the age when the mask drops, issues with behaviour seem escalate and mental health problems become more obvious.

Instead of putting your fingers in your ears - how about reading and learning about autism for yourself? I would not be surprised if you found a little bit of yourself in there.

You seem to think his mother is pursuing this diagnosis to get at you - have you ever considered she may be doing it to help her son?
I'm sure she has much better things to be getting on with than plotting her next revenge move on you.

You asked how you can help him.

Let it go. Stop obsessing about his mother. This is eating you up inside. You can't control her. He is your child, stop involving him in parental battles. Kids grow up so quickly, don't miss out on his childhood because your vision is so clouded that you can't see further than your nose.

Do you, you have him half of the week. Be proud of him, have fun, be the best dad you can be, give him a father he can look up to and be proud in return.

Someone suggested you get the assessment on yourself to see if you score. It could be inciteful.

Perhaps those women on this thread, who are saying you’re manipulative are correct but idk. I really really hope for your child that they are not. I have seen first hand how a parent with mental health issues can destroy their children and their children’s future.

If you want to pay for a private ASD assessment on your ds, is there any way you could make that happen without his mother’s permission? What does your solicitor say?

I would love to hear the other side of the story here.

That is really interesting, to be honest no he doesn’t, he doesn’t really fidget, he doesn’t loose things (I think he lost his PE kit once), he doesn’t loose concentration, he’s perfectly fine completing tasks / school work, hes well organised, he has a big group of friends, what he does do is mess about with his mates a bit but nothing that you would see as being out of the ordinary for a 12 year old boy, and he try’s (and fails) to stay up on his phone late. He appears to be a typical kid, school have stated to Cafcass in Court they do not think he has ASD and his Senco has stated that clearly.

Many people on this thread have quite rightly pointed out that schools are not able to diagnose ASD. You need to stop making this point and get a proper assessment. People who diagnose ASD are very highly trained, and you need their expertise to advise you.

There is an ADOS assessment which has already been done.

The OP could just accept the result of this assessment.

But he wont because he's got it in for his child's mother.

I don't think you needed to come on this board. You have already suggested a good way forward in discussing this with your son eg saying he doesn't need to worry about it and if necessary you will pursue it with him and his doctor. You also need to say that if this diagnosis is true he's no worse off than he was before and that atypical people can also succeed, have fun and be loved. Do not refer to his mum in any deprecatory way over this. The only problem is if he is being medicated because of this diagnosis because eg Ritalin needs to be very carefully managed and a neurotypical child shouldn't be taking it.

Thank you

The chances of OP's ds actually getting to see a paediatric psychiatrist and being prescribed any stimulant medication are pretty slim unless they go private. Waiting lists in my area are two years for diagnosis and ime there is never a rush to prescribe

“school have stated to Cafcass in Court they do not think he has ASD and his Senco has stated that clearly”
Again, those people are not qualified to diagnose. People have told you that repeatedly on this thread.
However, he has been assessed by a professional using a standard in-person diagnostic tool, the result of which is that it’s very likely he has ASD. You keep changing your story about that. It was a doctor or not a doctor. It was a diagnosis, or it wasn’t, it was an opinion. Your wife took him to be diagnosed, or she won’t allow him to be taken to be diagnosed.
Lots of people have told you a diagnosis of any neurodivergence is not a bad thing. I’m afraid you sound focused on asserting that your son is not ND, and criticising your ex wife.

I was told this by 2 schools. Neither school SENDCo was qualified to make this judgement, nor were any of the teachers.

My dd now has a diagnosis of ADHD and shows strong autistic traits.

I am a teacher and former SENDCo. Please do NOT accept the school's opinion as fact.

Please have your son assessed by qualified doctors/psychiatrists/speech & language therapists.

It is far more likely that you ds has ADHD/ASD, than his mother has FII.