Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

It is very clear that OP is weaponising these services to continue his abuse. Happily, it sounds like very few people believe him or see him as anything but an abuser. That poor child. In six months there will be another thread and another series of accusations.

Get some counselling and start behaving like a parent rather than a vindictive ex.

If the ADOS came back that he is autistic , he is autistic.
this is utter bollocks the assessment
is multi disciplinary (ie input from many trained professionals) not a tick box your mum fills out.

Gosh

The one you've reported to her controlling organisation? I'm surprised she will speak directly to you.

Look, the diagnosis or not doesn't matter. If you believe your DS (and other children?) are not safe or looked after properly with your ex then you should go back to court and ask for them to be with you full time. You are strongly implying that your DS only exhibited issues as a result of being abused by your ex.

In the meantime, don't say negative things about your ex to your children. Getting a diagnosis is about getting the right help for your DS, and that's how you talk about it with him. That it doesn't change anything about who he is, but if he does need some additional help with some things then it can make it easier to access. Make it not a big deal, it's not a thing to battle over or make a big fuss over.

I don't know why you couldn't speak to a private child psychologist and start the process of getting your own assessment done, with appointments on the days that you have your DS with you.

Well thats what he got, he was seen on a single occasion by someone in the doctors office, not by the doctor, the doctor stated that he had received a score of ADOS-2 17, described that score as severe, and that a score of 9 is considered high.

Apologies if you are legit OP but having worked on many DV cases I always struggle to give advice on posts like this, especially those where there are holes in the story, the OP has taken undertakings and Cafcass are involved. Be wary folks of giving too much advice (and feel free to flame me as much as you like).

Thank you for your advice

Thank you, flaming is fine

this was my first thought too

Quite right.

OP said the ADOS was completed. It is multidisciplinary as you say.

It is the diagnostic tool used by the NHS. The assessment is not completed by filling a form the OP said that the child was assessed.

Interesting, having reviewed the symptoms for ADHD we felt pretty much every single teenager will show some of the symptoms because they are so generic. If you say your child has non of them I'm amazed and also think you are responding in a biased way.

My son does have a diagnosis of ADHD but didn't get diagnosed until 17. He has found knowing hugely beneficial and is much happier to have a reason why at times he feels a bit different from his peers. Being diagnosed has only been a positive, if hasn't hindered him getting a job, it has just allowed him to better understand himself and to use his strengths and mitigate any areas of weakness.

Thank you, that is interesting

Even your Ds thinks he has adhd.

The behaviour your son displays is exactly the same behaviour of my Ds. He has been to 1 nursery, 2 primary schools and 3 senior schools.
Dd also went to a range of primary schools.
Guess what the school said when I asked about dyslexia, dysgraphia and adhd for both of them.

They all said they showed no signs of any issues.

DS was 12 before he could read. He was assessed in college for dyslexia and told to look into an adhd assessment
Dd was diagnosed in senior school as dyslexic and with the assessment came a recommendation that we should also look at an ADD assessment.

Schools don’t automatically push for assessments because it costs them money to do so. It is a battle

Also don’t think there is anything wrong because your Ds behaves one way with you and another with his mother.

You have made your expectations clear. You refuse to believe he has adhd (even though your Ds thinks he has it) So he will mask and behave one way with you and then explode when he is in his mothers company.

The child will not have received an ADOS score of 17 on the basis of his mum filling out a form.

The OP is making things up.

Do you disagree with all his ADOS points. He scored 17, which is considered to be very high indeed. But you dispute all those points? All of them? Isn't a score of 7 or above considered high. 10 is high. 17? Massive.
Lots of doctors use DISCO over ADOS. ADOS is normally only used by very experienced doctors, yet you dispute doctors qualifications, because they used the ADOS, which they would have to be more experienced, to actually use, as only one diagnostic tool.

Autism is a spectum, but honestly I do not think that my son displays symptoms, or they would have to be incredibly subtle to have been missed by every teacher he has had, his GP, Social Services and an Early Helpworker and for his SENCO and his school to have painly stated they do not think he has ASD.

The ADOS-2 assessment was carried out by a member of the private doctors office, who held a general physiology degree but was not a doctor. My son was only met on one occasion, and the ADOS-2 took place without his GP, myself or his schools input.

I just looked at my daughters ADOS report, she scored 19 which is extremely high, anything above 7 indicates autism spectrum disorder. he ADOS assessment itself was carried out by an OT not a doctor. The Pediatrician went on to diagnose autism. She was not present in the assessment.

The ADOS is a face to face assessment. No form filling involved.

If the child scored 17 it is highly likely this would lead to a positive diagnosis of autism.

Where is the FII?

This mother is not making things up.

But a doctor has apparently said that your ds has ASD. And a doctor is qualified to diagnose, whereas the school and Social Services etc are not.

Is it correct that the NHS has accepted the private diagnosis? If so, I think it's reasonable to assume that this diagnosis was valid.

You say that the signs of asd would have to have been very subtle to have been missed by all of these people. Are you aware that, in many cases, the signs are subtle and do often get missed?

OP is like a parade of red flags. That poor kid. His other thread goes on about the DS not having a haircut in the 9 months he didn’t see him, not seeing the relevance of that time covering the entire first lockdown. I’d bet the DS masks around him, he intimidates the school staff and diagnosing Dr and works hard to alienate the DS from his mum.

GPs and schools do not get involved in ADOS assessment, the assessor would be trained to carry out the assessment. They will be highly skilled!!

Same with my relative who was only diagnosed with ADHD after leaving school. He found it helpful to understand himself and the ways he can cope with situations he finds difficult. It’s been a positive thing, but he’s resentful that the school weren’t willing to help him and he was labelled as disruptive or lazy. The school was really unhelpful.
He doesn’t see himself as ill or abnormal and neither does anyone else. He’s been successful in life. But he’s a successful person who has had challenges due to adhd, and it helps him to know that.

Parents do not attend ADOS assessments.

The only exception to this is if the child is too anxious to be alone. The parent is not observed, the child is.

Aside from when my contact was cut, he has met developmental milestones exceeding in some areas, I have told him that I understand his worries and concerns and that we can definitely talk to his GP about it.

My daughter has some signs of ADHD and autism and she’s been referred for assessment. It took me a long time to realise because she presents differently to my preconceptions of what these conditions are like. But it does seem like a plausible diagnosis based on subtle and less subtle things about how she behaves and sees the world. She’s very different at home, school and at her dad’s house - her most extreme behaviour is saved for me - I like to think it’s because she feels safe so she vents with me having been busy anxiously masking at school.
So just raising possibility that it might be due to different behaviours in different situations. And that these conditions are quite broad and might not look like we expect!
I should think it would be worth talking things through with school who might have insight into likelihood these diagnoses are there. I know that our GP doesn’t know my daughter well enough to make the judgment- we’ve mostly had support through the school.