Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

You really are a narcissist. Why don’t you try being nice to your ex? Actually discussing things instead of your smear campaign? Do you not realise that your son’s happiness relies on her happiness?

What I can tell you is both my sons can’t stand their dad and they love me and that’s how it’ll be for you if you carry on being an arse.

And yet he has been diagnosed by a qualified doctor whose view is accepted by the NHS. But you know better, of course.

I agree and even then the NHS would not just take that into consideration there will be lots more they will have taken into consideration before giving that diagnosis.

I can't see anything where the OP said there has been a diagnosis?

My understanding was that there had been an "opinion" from a private doctor who had a lot of negative reviews on Google about misdiagnoses of Autism, and was based largely on what the mother said rather than on observation of the child.

Apologies if I missed a post where OP said he had been diagnosed - obviously that would change things.

Nobody on MN can advise because we don’t know you, your son or your ex and have only your account of the truth. She says ASD, you say FII. Your OP implies that she diagnosed ASD herself but in a later one you say it was diagnosed by a doctor.
Possible story from her side:

“My ex won’t accept the ASD diagnosis despite it being diagnosed by a doctor. We went to a private doctor because NHS waiting lists are impossibly long. Ex thinks I lied to this doctor to get a diagnosis, but diagnosis isn’t just based on what a parent says and doctors know not to take everything said at face value anyway.

Ex keeps saying son isn’t ND because the SENCO and teachers say he isn’t, but ex knows perfectly well that those people are not qualified to diagnose.

Son masks very well at school so teachers are inclined not to believe he has ASD.

Son needs a diagnosis so that he can receive help at school. Ex’s denial is a barrier to him receiving this help.

Ex is telling people it’s FII caused be me. He has no evidence for this. Ex is the one making things up.”

This could be true or what you say could be true.

I have family members whose parents sought diagnoses of adhd or ASD. It was extremely difficult. Like your son’s teachers, their schools said they believed the children didn’t have these conditions. They didn’t have diagnoses until after they left school because of the long waiting lists and clunky pathways. They were good at masking and most people didn’t suspect ND. Because of this they missed out on the help at school that they were entitled to and that their parents tried to get. It’s impossible for anyone here to say whether that is your son’s situation or not, but PPs have pointed out that undiagnosed ND is much more common than FII.

I hope your son gets the correct outcome whatever it is.

He said on another thread that his son was diagnosed.

The child under went an ADOS assessment which is the same assessment used by the NHS.

The NHS has accepted the diagnosis.

The OP doesn't.

@spelunky there is no method of gaining benefits simply by having a diagnosis given by a doctor. To access the relevant benefits, you have to show evidence of need, significantly so. You don't just fill in a form and get given lots of money. If the ex has applied for and been given DLA for her child then there will have been evidence accepted of significant need.

I think the OP originally mentioned a diagnosis on another thread, but now seems to be saying that it was just an opinion from a dodgy doctor who had never actually met his child.

However, he also specifies an ADOS score, which would suggest that the doctor did see the child. It's also hard to see how the NHS would accept a diagnosis that was clearly just an opinion based on a conversation with the mother.

There is lots that doesn't quite add up here.

Why have you not gone to court to get him to be with you full time?

Just read most of the thread and I don’t have much time But I wanted to share my experience.
I had concerns about my DS from about 2 that he was on the spectrum. According to all the schools staff, including a SENCO and a Family Support Officer that my son was definitely not autistic, reasons given such as he makes eye contact and had empathy. As well as being pretty insulting to those with ASD it made it so hard to get an assessment as everyone was telling me I needed to parent better and I was sent on a ton of courses.
I didn’t give up though and finally managed to get my local nhs (Herts)commissioning team to pay for an assessment . This took place at Great Ormond Street by the top consultant who took DS as one of her last cases before retiring at the end of that month. And guess what, he was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism.

Only a professional in the field can diagnose ASD.

Funnily enough, my late. DP was also against the idea of DS having an assessment as he didn’t want to accept that our DS was potentially on the spectrum. After he died I managed to convince our local Trust to pay for that assessment but it was bloody hard. Bloody hard.

I think it’s weird that anyone thinks the OP shouldn’t talk to ss if he thinks his child is being abused by his mum. What on earth has MN come to that the child’s welfare isn’t central to the discussion?

But as there hasn’t been an assessment then it might well be that he does have adhd/autism

I always thought my dc didn’t have adhd. I certainly didn’t think I had it.
Until dd and I were assessed. I have told Ds that he has adhd so he is getting an assessment.

You don’t know that your Ds categorically doesn’t have ADHD so get him tested.

Maybe your wife is making things up
Or maybe you haven’t really looked in depth at adhd and autism. Just because your Ds isn’t running around upturning furniture doesn’t mean he isn’t hyperactive.

As someone who wasn’t assessed until much later in life I look back on my life and wish someone had taken time to really look at me and get me assessed.

The impact of living a life undiagnosed has been devastating.

FWIW I knew a mother who had never told her Ds that he was dyslexic even after he was tested
It was my daughter (also dyslexic) who told him that he was and he felt relief knowing what it was and not that he was just stupid.

You said in October that the NHS were investigating her for this

You also said you had reported the doctor who did the diagnosis to his governing body but nothing appears to have come of that either

In fact the only investigation that appears to have led to a conclusion was the non mol order against you

To be fair a lot of schools are crap about this sort of thing especially if your ND kid is NT presenting and good at masking in school.

The only way to know for sure is to undergo the rigorous, gruelling assessment process.

Bit of a Schroedinger's cat situation with it I'm afraid.

If it isn't causing harm, and is allowing your child's mother and your child to make allowances for themselves to help them in their day to day lives then why does it ultimately matter?

They're not just going to be given stimulants cos mum says they have ADHD, they're not suddenly going to become autistic just because mum says they are autistic. It's all much of a muchness.

So as much as it might be a peeve, what are you ultimately aiming for here? To take a child away from a mother who is making allowances for neurodiversity?

Notoriously people who are happy with the service they receive don't tend to give reviews, and google reviews are known to attract trolls. Given that the doctor will have done hundreds of assessments and this is a contentious area where some people do tend to be in denial, five poor reviews is really pretty good going.

He has spoken to SS, they haven't proceeded.

The OPs behaviour is concerning. He is claiming the mother has FII when the child has a diagnosis which is abusive.

He had a non-molestation order against him.

The child's welfare seems to be at risk by the fathers behaviour based on the facts.

@lifeturnsonadime ss presumably will then find that the OP is behaving in a damaging way. I thought the son DIDN’T have a dc but rather someone had talked through the ADOS with mum and given their opinion based on her answers.

The correct term is either Fabricated or Induced Illness, or Fabricated or Induced Illness by Carers. The term "illness" doesn't refer to the person who is fabricating, but what they are fabricating - i.e. they are claiming a child is ill when they aren't.

So I think it is you who may be missing the point.

OP said on another thread that his son was diagnosed.

His story has more holes than swiss cheese.

An ADOS assessment is the diagnostic tool used by the NHS. If the ADOS came back that he is autistic , he is autistic.

The NHS has treated it as a diagnosis so I have no idea why the OP won't.

From my position it is really difficult because my son does not appear to be Autistic or have ADHD, and its not that I want to fight someone saying he has ASD or ADHD, but I don’t think he does, not a single teacher has ever raised a concern, and his school have stated that they do not think he is Autistic. The events look like FII.

1. I separated from my sons mother.
2. My son moved to live with his mother.
3. My son began to show behavioural difficulties after my contact began to be limited.
4. My sons mother began to make false statements about myself and my son.
5. His mother cut my contact with him entirely, and his behaviour plummeted.
6. His mother made false statements about me to the Court and the Police, including following incidents in which my son had alleged she had harmed him.
7. She applied for a private assessment, during which she lied to the doctor about my son, including withholding the information he had told his Early Helpworker, the incidents with the Police, that she had accused me of domestic abuse and previously stated that my son had been abused by me and traumatised by witnesses domestic abuse, and that he had gone through a parental separation. She falsely informed the doctor that we had moved as a family, that my son had had Social difficulties from the age of 4-5, and had been self harming from the age of 6.
8. About a week after the assessment, she lied extensively about medication he was allegedly taking for ADHD to the Police after my son alleged to them that she had slapped him.
9. 10 days after the assessment she dropped him round at my house after 9 months, despite her allegations against me. Soon after he came to live with me for 5 - 7 days a week for 6 months, and the behavioural difficulties he had displayed in her care and she had described during the assessment disappeared.
10. Subsequently, his mother used the assessment for benefit fraud, claims CDLA payments as his sole caregiver despite him not having been diagnosed, despite him requiring no additional support at school, and despite him living with me part time if full time (she has very recently been accused of another benefit fraud), she has denied giving consent to a new assessment taking place, despite stating that she is aware he may not be Autistic, that he has not been diagnosed, being aware of schools position and being aware that his behavioural difficulties disappeared shortly after the assessment.
11. Most recently she has told him that he is Autistic and has ADHD

This was me. People telling me Dc were adhd and me saying No. I was just like that

The private doctor has stated that she ‘did not diagnose’ him.

What does the ADOS report that your ex wife had done on ds actually say? Can you attach it. Block out his name and any identifying info. What does the report say?

7 . You have missed out the part where you earlier said that your son undertook an Ados assessment which involved in person (or zoom assessment) which is the diagnostic tool that the NHS uses which found that he was autistic.

You’re deluded and your school senco needs sacking. To make a statement like that is beyond all comprehension. Autistic SPECTRUM disorder is not one size fits all! My DS was diagnosed very very young and as a teenager had a pretty good social understanding. Utter nonsense and she isn’t qualified to diagnose or dismiss the theory!