Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

My son has been too two nurseries, two junior schools and is at secondary school, no one has ever raised a concern that he may have ADHD or ASD, even when Social Services were involved - he doesn’t show traits of either ADHD or ASD

I see that you say elsewhere that the NHS has accepted the private doctor's opinion, which seems to indicate that they accept that her assessment was valid.

You’re continuing to sound nonsensical OP - and only responding to posts which ‘suit’ you.

Have you ever thought - your insistence on telling your son that he doesn’t have ASD and ADHD, is equally damaging to him, as his mum telling him he does have ASD and ADHD?

She hasnt been investigated for Munchausens

He clearly does as he’s been diagnosed.

You’re still at it though. You said you’d shut up at 200 comments but you’re still responding and looking for even more attention at 300.

Our primary school not only stated that DS1 most definitely did not have ASD, but accused me of lying and paranoia. The senco actually asked me "what is it you want from all of these diagnoses you're chasing?"!! They deliberately obstructed his diagnosis by repeatedly 'losing' questionnaires from the paediatrician or claiming that I had never provided them.

DS1 is indeed autistic, much as I'm sure the primary school would still accuse me of lying and paranoia. He attends a special school for students with complex austism and other disabilities and will never live completely independently. But hey, maybe I'm just still telling lies.

Admittedly I am extremely sensitive about this. I found ds1 very hard to parent. Ds2 is easy. It was my mum and my best friends mum who suggested ds1 had lots of Autistic traits. When I pushed for nhs assessment, school contacted SS accusing me of fii, the old munchausens. Did I take umbrage at this. Yes I did and still do.

Please don't belittle it. It's a very serious allegation. It's not unheard of for one parent to think a child is SN and another parent doesn't. But taking it to the next step, of accusing someone of fii, is serious. And most posters here won't have the experience (fortunately) of knowing how awful that is.

Where do you get that from? It's clear that the non-mol order was against him.

You keep claiming that responses would be different if OP were the mother. This alone demonstrates that that claim is nonsense.

Hmmm my sons SENCO insisted that my eldest didn’t show any signs of autism and ADHD. I insisted he did at home etc etc. They alongside my ex made vague murmurings of me being a hypochondriac and wanting him to be ‘unwell’.

He got assessed after years of me begging for help and being on my knees with no support, spoiler alert, he has both.

What I’m saying is the SENCO isn’t qualified to say yes he has or no he hasn’t. Your sons needs a proper assessment.

Yet on another thread you said back in October that the NHS was in the process of investigating for that.

My sons pre school picked up on him possibly being autistic age 3, the health visitor assessed him and he decided he wasn’t. We started having major issues when he went into year one and he was eventually diagnosed age 6, now he’s 12 it’s very obvious he’s autistic. I don’t think you can always tell when they are young as a lot of the behaviours are not so different to usual toddler behaviours

I can understand why you’re concerned if there has never been any suspicion of ASD or ADHD throughout his life so far. I’ve only ever come across one case of FII, it was devastating to see the extent the parents had gone to and the effect it had had on the child I dealt with
All I can suggest is supporting your son, letting him know he can always speak to you and contact you if he needs help. Work with his school and SS, don’t be accusatory towards his mother as much as you can. If you are concerned for your son’s safety contact SS about maybe him being in your care.

Before accusing your wife of anything, you should first clarify with a medical practitioner whether he has AHDH and autism, and if he does not, you should ask her why she was acting that way. The truth can be anything at all.

The private doctor, that did not meet or speak to my son during her assessment of him, no longer practices.

They have 6 google reviews, one five stars, 5 one stars. Those five reviews are all from parents whose children have missed diagnosed as Autistic, or diagnosed as not Autistic when subsequently they have turned out to be Autistic, including quite horrendous description.

If a doctor chooses to given an ‘opinion’ on a child, such as that they have a severe level of Autism, without ever speaking to or seeing that child, then I might use the word professional lightly.

Thank you for the advice.

I might have used the term munchausens by proxy

I really hope you have your facts right because you sound like my exH ten years ago. Now my DS20 is a recluse in his room, undiagnosed and not receiving any help. He does have inattentive ADHD and probably Asperger’s but I’d say it’s borderline. It’s difficult to spot in attentive adhd unless you have it yourself. GPs are certainly not experts in autism or adhd and you should not be gathering up ‘experts’ to validate your assumptions.

I am autistic and my other son is diagnosed with ASD so it doesn’t take a genius to work out that DS20 is likely to have a related condition. The reason my exH has been so disbelieving is because he’s a narcissist who thinks he’s always right and I’m stupid and wrong about everything. He’s got virtually zero empathy so thinks everyone thinks in the same way that he does.

He even accused me of having Muncheusens by proxy, which is a condition closely related to sociopathy.

There are so many similarities here and I don’t like how you’re trying to get everyone on your side. This thread is difficult to read and quite chilling actually.

I've helped a parent whose school swore blind that her child had nothing wrong and reported her to SS, who started child protection action. When she appealed against the council's refusal to assess, they claimed that was evidence of abuse, and the school provided statements that they were quite sure the child did not have ASD or ADHD despite professional evidence that she had both. The mother duly won the appeal. Shortly afterwards, the school permanently excluded this child who they had so confidently claimed had no problems. The council refused to issue an EHCP and kept alleging the mother was abusing the child by arranging masses of assessments, although when challenged they couldn't list them - because they hadn't happened.

The mother won the appeal against refusal to issue, and the LA begrudgingly produced an EHCP which said the child could be educated in a mainstream school even though they couldn't find one that was prepared to offer a place. The child's difficulties were so severe that the mother struggled to find even a special school which would, but eventually she did. The LA continued to oppose that even though it couldn't produce any alternatives. Eventually this child who the primary school said so confidently did not have ASD or ADHD ended up in a specialist residential school where, finally, things have started turning around for her and she is making progress.

So please, OP, don't rely on what the school says. They may of course be right, but equally the doctor whose opinion the NHS seems to accept may also be right. In any event, it looks pretty clear that an FII investigation will go nowhere.

From your posts, it sounds like she might be trying to get him diagnosed for the purposes of getting more benefits money.

It is horrible for your son, but I think it's important that he knows that he doesn't have these conditions. I would be very honest with him in your position. I would tell him that his mum will get more money if he is diagnosed with these conditions, and that is why she is pushing it, but nobody else thinks there is anything at all wrong with him.

It could give him a massive complex if he's confused about whether or not he has ADHD, so you need to quash this completely and tell him the truth about his mother.

That is Munchhausen's, now generally known as FII.

Do you have any idea what it takes to get a diagnosis of autism?? I guess you probably don't it can take many many years and many visits to various professionals. Not just one pychologist who can then diagnose. If your child does have autism ADHD do you have absolutely any idea of what damage you are causing? How often does the child stay with you? Do you give into your child? Give them everything?

I am not even sure this actually is FII/ Munchhausens.

It sounds like mum will get more money in disability benefits if he is diagnosed. Don't underestimate how much of a drive that can be.

I'm not convinced she has a psychological condition above and beyond just wanting the money.

Also do you have a clue about autism or ADHD? That you can say he doesn't have it? Your making an ass out of all those parents that have to fight for years and years to get their child diagnosed.

You also need to realise that children on the spectrum MASK

The fact school has never realised picked up on that means nothing tbh. They didn’t picked up on anything at all with my dc either. They saw a quiet, calm child that was causing no trouble at all.
Same with grand parents btw. And in some ways, same when he was on his own with his dad.
At home though…. the story was different. Their sibling, who were regularly hit, would say something different too.

What I’m saying is the same than many posters have said. This can be the sign that your dc is NT and has no issue. Or it might be that he is masking well. You can’t make that he claims loud and clear your dc is NT.

You need evidence. Talk to a professional, have him assessed and then take it from there.
It will remove all the doubts for your dc. And for yourself.