Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

He doesn't need mum's consent to get an assessment if he has PR, anymore than mum didn't need consent when she DID get him assessed. I suspect he's just finding excuses.

Genuinely, I was just looking for advice on how to talk to my son.

I gave received some useful advice, but think I have got this a bit wrong.

The mum has already paid for a private assessment which resulted in a diagnosis that the OP rejects. Presumably she does not think that a second assessment is necessary. The OP could, of course, seek a second opinion without the mother's consent but he has not yet chosen to pursue this.

Why are you not engaging with the point that the SENCo and school are simply not qualified to diagnose ASD and ADHD? In fact it is really quite unprofessional of them to claim otherwise.

Does the assessment your son is waiting for include a full multi-disciplinary assessment of his social communication difficulties and possible near-divergent traits?

How did his mother cause severe distress?

Nope I have contacted my local assessment Center, and they have told me that they require consent from both parents.

It's all such a complicating situation.

This thread is really horrible and making me feel sick and speechless that this father is being attacked and not listened to

Sorry @Dylan222

I horrified by this:

Dylan222 · Today 08:50
Yep she did. This is her exact phrase -‘his level of social understanding is simply unachievable for a child on the Autistic Spectrum’

This is a huge misconception about autism. The SENCO should be properly trained.

You should back off and stop accusing your child’s mother of things she likely does not have. You will cause your child a great deal of distress.

Could you not just say, you don’t think he has autism or adhd, but mum does, so just have the assessment when it’s time and in the meantime what can you do that will help?

You can't tell your son he does have ADHD if you don't know that. You can tell him he's a lovely, vibrant, wonderful boy and that you'll get a second opinion if that would help. Then you arrange a private assessment yourself.

You also completely avoid any negative comments about his mother. What is going on between you and her should not be aired in front of him. He is a child and needs support - not to hear all this shit from his parents.

That remark by itself betrays her deep lack of understanding of the range covered by ASC.

So the mother simultaneously kept the children for you for 9 months whilst also dropping them off with you?

And you needed to go to court to get the non mol overturned to regain contact at the same time as you were actually seeing them?

OP - how about you get yourself assessed for autism? You might find the result interesting.

I think you have got this a lot wrong, not a bit. Whatever the facts (and none of us know the facts) your child is in the middle of this dispute between you and your ex, and this will be causing damage. The school is not in a position to diagnose autism/ADHD. I suggest that you agree with your ex (via social services if required) how to get an assessment brought forward, and then start parenting.

And you stopped there? You just believed what they said and never asked yourself why your ex got the opinion/diagnosis?

I’ve taken my children to many (private or not) appointments and I have never been asked fir his dad’s approval.

It isn't a pile-on, it's a number of people for whom alarm bells are ringing based on OP's complete reliance on the views of the SENCo who has no business claiming that she can diagnose ASC and ADHD.

Re advice on talking to your ds.

I don't think you should be confirming that he doesn't have autism or adhd, given that he has already been diagnosed by a professional. I think it is fine for you to note that you have a difference of opinion with his mum while explaining that neither of you are actually qualified to make a judgement.

If you want to seek a second opinion, then do that and explain to your ds that you just want to get the opinion of another doctor in order to be sure that the diagnosis is the right one. Emphasise that the outcome doesn't matter, as it's absolutely fine if he has autism or adhd or both, this is just about being sure so that any appropriate support can be put in place.

Do not in any way accuse his mum of making things up. He doesn't deserve to be caught in the crossfire. Also, make sure that you don't imply that neurodiversity is an illness or that having autism or adhd would mean that he has something "wrong" with him.

You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself—the relationship that you have with your child and the relationship you have with the authorities within all of the services you are using and abusing. The light will be shined back at you soon, if it hasn’t been already.

Our DS’s SENco told us categorically that there’s no way he’s on the spectrum. She said she’d know bc she’s autistic herself! Funny how some people take the liberty of ignoring decisions made by qualified clinicians, even ignoring letters sent by NHS consultants to the school. You seem to be taking the same role of overstepping your boundaries in making decisions as a non medic! Go get yourself assessed asap.

Oh and start saving £££ bc ASD often involves high levels of anxiety, as well as other mental health difficulties. Sounds like your kid is going to need years of therapy after what you’re putting him through.

She used to refer to me as ‘best friend daddy’ when speaking to my son about me because we have a close relationship. He started to show distress when she stopped our contact, which got worse as she spoke to him negatively about me and during covid when he wasn’t sure how I was. There was also serious conflict between my son and his mum.

Two weeks prior to the assessment, he informed his Early Helpworker that the only reason he was behaving the way he was was because he couldn’t see me, that he didn’t understand why he couldn’t see me, and that he wasn’t going to school until he could see me.

In the end, about two weeks after the assessment the Early Helpworker essentially threatened his mother with further action if she did not let him see me, because he looked ‘gray’ and she was concerned that he was going to harm himself.

After his mum dropped him of at my house the behavioural difficulties he displayed disappeared.

What sort of assessment have you attempted to get?

It alright cheers :) Im a bit upset to be honest by my sons mum telling him, and it’s useful to get input but I should probably stop as its maybe not right

An assessment through the NHS for ASD and a comprehensive private assessment for ASD ( I think the cost was around £2000 )

But he's said elsewhere that she has already been investigated for Munchhausen's. So his wish to have her investigated for FII is a nonsense.

That is really useful thank you

I think OP needs to keep an open mind.