Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

So there will be evidence accepted by the medical profession? Weird that the op claims the school don't agree.

Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for schools to not see needs, even when there is evidence to the contrary.

Quite!

It's not entirely uncommon though. Schools have a vested interest in playing down need. We hear our kids 'are fine' all the time when the opposite is true.

My child's school said there was no way my eldest could be autistic when he started to be really anxious to go to school out of the blue. I privately referred him for an NHS speech and language assessment which resulted in a report showing a high level need. The speech and language therapist could not diagnose autism but her report along with the ADOS and other reports formed part of the eventual diagnosis.

Also I'd take OP with a pinch of salt there are more holes than swiss cheese in his story.

Whatever the truth is in this situation, I feel horribly sorry for the child who is clearly caught between the two parents. Poor kid!

I am very familiar with completing DLA forms for children with autism. I've completed many as part of my professional role.

The majority of needs that qualify for DLA are entirely observable. Even the least observant of teachers and SENCOS will be aware of difficulties in those areas.

It is far from unusual for parents to exaggerate their children's needs in the form (and sometimes I don't judge, providing that I'm very aware myself of their need for the award). But this situation is strange in many ways, and the kid qualifying for DLA is one of them.

If you are going to support the op can you at least get your stories straight.

From the op's other thread:

After my son began to show behavioural difficulties in her care, his mother made false allegations of domestic abuse against me and was granted a non-molestion order.

You are wrong.

Yup, you have to submit evidence of need with the form. Even with diagnosis, many claims are turned down due to insufficient evidence. The diagnostic report can provide evidence but DLA isn’t automatically awarded with a diagnosis in place.

It requires professional support and also a separate statement from someone who knows the child (although some forms are submitted without this statement).

Well my child was awarded DLA with no input from school.

It is not a requirement, nor is a diagnosis of autism.

Even the least observant of teachers and SENCOS will be aware of difficulties in those areas.

They really aren’t. There are many schools who don’t see needs - whether that’s for diagnosis, for DLA, for SEN Support, for EHCP.

If he has severe autism do you guys not this school or his father would have noticed at ADOS17?

The majority of needs that qualify for DLA are entirely observable. Even the least observant of teachers and SENCOS will be aware of difficulties in those areas.

My job is DLA and PIP appeals and I disagree with this. Many autistic children mask very effectively in school. They can also be overly compliant due to anxiety. This doesn’t mean they don’t have a high level of need.

OP, you do also need to bear in mind here that it is incredibly common for at least one parent of a neurodivergent child to not see any "symptoms" because "everything they do is normal, I did/do that myself". This doesn't mean the child isn't neurodivergent, it means that both the child and the parent are....

It requires professional support and also a separate statement from someone who knows the child (although some forms are submitted without this statement).

I genuinely can't remember. I think I might have asked the GP to write it as the GP had suggested a CAMHs referral and had seen behaviours that indicated autism even though the school had not.

My child hasn't been in school since the renewals because there is no school that could meet need so it's certainly not a requirement. We had ample medical and / or other reports.

Why on earth would you write this? How does that help the child here and why arre you saying that to a man who has a non mol order agianst him? How irresponsible.

My middle sons Senco also said she didn't think he had autism/ADHD. When I finally got CAHMS involved after the dr helped because the school wouldn't, they told me "he ticks almost every box for both ASD and ADHD" and were shocked that it hadn't been picked up sooner.

Private diagnosis vary in their thoroughness.
It would be wise to get a thorough NHS assessment (ATOS type will involve many different professionals). Then you will 'know' for sure.
At that point you can decide if the child's mother is 'faking it'. If not, then an SS referral for Fii is very damaging for your child. If so then you know you are only putting your child through the stress of potentially losing contact with their Mother because it is necessary.

Do you have contact with your child now op?

The great thing about being on here is that I dont care if you think I am horrible or not it just good to talk about and to get opinions either way.

In regards to the hair cut thing, in more detail I reported his mother to Social Services because he was nocturnal in her care and very pale (to the point his Early Health Care was concerned about his vitamin d levels), because his maternal grandmother had been threatening to film him undressed if he did not got to school (and had pretended on multiple occasions to do so), because he was being left unwashed and had reported being left to find his own food, because his mother was leaving him home alone every day when the services around him though he was at risk of harm to himself, because he had reported to the Police that she had slapped, punched and strangled him and because she had lied to the Police about him and myself in response to his allegations against her … and because of the hair thing.

Social Services did not get involved on my referral.

They had been involved previously following a referral from his School regarding his behaviour while he was in his mothers sole care.

Sorry the frites for claiming DLA is high, double checked with medical professionals and not easy to get, if she is getting DLA for your son, she would have to have medical proof to make the claim.

whatever the situation I feel very sorry for you son, caught between two warring adults that will be causing him a lot of distress and anxiety whether he is neuro diverse or not

The child has already had an ADOS assessment.

Yes they live half of the time with me.

My son had 6th months he couldn't leave his room.

He was filthy, didn't eat much.

He is autistic and was going through a period of autistic burnout. Everything was too much.

Stop blaming his mother for his obvious neurodiversity.

This ^
OP, do you have parental responsibility for your son?
If yes, you don't need her consent to have your son assessed-probably going to have to be privately-if the school or GP not on board with NHS criteria for referral being met. Best of course to work together with her but if you can still push on if she's entrenched.

How do you know so much about your ex - ie getting dla? It doesn't sound like she would provide that info to you, what with the non mol and all.

What was the family court decision, since your supposedly abusive ex has residency and not you?