Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

Is there a better way where more peoples lives are improved by change" The consensus seems to be no. That isn't even an option because you have a duty to be there as much as you can for your kids. At face value, I agree for sure. And i've clearly done a bad job of trying to just open the discussion that equal, isn't always fair, and fair, isn't always best for the kids.

Yes but you are only trying to make things unequal ie not 50/50 for your benefit, you have tried to convince all the other Posters of your point of view. Many many Posters have pointed out that you moving back to Sussex really is just for your benefit and best for you, not for your Daughters, but you won't have it.

You have only talked about the benefit to you of living in Sussex, for your mental health, to help your relationship with Super Cool Girlfriend, (sorry have to keep mentioning that, but you sound like a 16 year old boy who has discovered Sex for the first time), obviously ex-girlfriend was Old Square Inferior girlfriend, despite the fact she was good enough to have a life and 2 DC with.

The way you talk about your ex-partner is pretty disgusting. So unsurprisingly most posters are not buying your poor me, my ex-girlfriend hates me just because I ditched her after she had been ill and was recovering. Now I have a lovely life with a new Super Cool Girlfriend, and loads of lovely friends and a great Social Life. How come she hasn't got over it in 2 years and is still angry at me? Oh and didn't you say you have been in this relationship for 18 months, didn't take you long to get over it, did it?

@TheBhagwan - as a blanket rule it's not.
Perhaps this is a bad example. But I'm just trying to knock down the assumption that all fairness benefits everyone..
Perhaps I'm mistaken... but my example is (not a real example which has happened to me)
If I take my kids to cinema once a month because that's all I can afford.
Is it fair on me, if my ex tells the kids no to that second cinema trip she takes them to... Sure, it's fair on me because then I wont feel guilty (not that I would, it's an example)... but it's stupid.
She can treat them as much as she likes and I recommend it.

Perhaps my meaning was unclear. Fairness on the kids is always best for them, but fairness between their parents... perhaps not as a blanket rule.

perhaps I'm sensitive about the assumption we were married. There are negative connotations to getting a divorce vs just leaving your partner whether you're married or not.
Not about to try and explain why and how I'm not anti marriage.

So you think that it doesn't matter that you left her because you weren't married?

Getting divorced as opposed to just leaving your long term partner is different?

I think you are the one sounding Victorian here. Whether you are in a long term relationship and leave your partner or you are married and get divorced. I can't see any difference.

So you got a piece of paper that said you would be together forever and you tore it in half as opposed to you made a commitment to someone, made a life together and had children and then just left. The outcome is the same. You lived together and had a life, and family together. You left that whether you were married or not.

@Tinty - the incorrect judgement in your post is incredible.

What's wrong with finding someone you love spending time with? What's wrong if they're cool ? What's wrong with being passionate about something?

I have also talked about the benefit it could have to my kids and the benefit it did have to them when they lived there with me...

And i found a new partner after a short while. So what? I was well over that relationship long before I decided to give it up. But I stayed. In hindsight I shouldn't have.. But I was in the same position as many other struggling families. We can make it work. We can try. It's for the kids.... but I realised it wasn't doing them any favours being in a house with two parents who don't like each other.
She also found someone new much faster than I did. And I am so happy for her. Because hopefully he treats her better than I did by being emotionally absent in the last couple of years we were together.

To imply i've ignored everyone posting here is just madness.
Jesus fucking christ...
I've learned a valuable lesson here...

I'm out... The personal attacks are just a savage alternative to some of the useful criticism i got at the beginning.
It's obvious now that it's impossible to get the entire picture of what's happened and is happening across in a stupid forum post. It was naive of me to think so.

Oh well.

My DD1 is nearly 12. When she was 9 she told me her father wasn't a good dad because good dads are there for their children and he wasn't. She said of me the year before, "you're always there for us." He swanned off with OW and her 3 kids, had 2 more with her, and sees our two dds EOW and half the holidays. I say "sees" but he's often at work when they are at his place. He has to time his days off to suit his gf and their kids so our kids miss out. Children very quickly figure out where their parents' priorities lie.

Most mums don't have any choice when it comes to deciding how often to see their children for the benefit of their mental health, because they are a parent first and foremost and their own needs always come second.

FWIW, I think that 1) 'allowing' your ex to keep the yorkshire house while she recovered and recentred after your departure and 2) making the effort to have 50/50 residency and be an active part of your children's lives - including the ugly day-to-day of mornings, homework and illness was 100% THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Honestly, practically model parenting behaviour. Obviously the situation is very tough on you, exacerbated by your decisions to build/resume a new life at the other end of the country, but it just seems a real shame to compromise those good decisions at the expense of the rest of your family (including ex) as though you deserve a reward/some slack for doing the right thing for a period of time.

An ideal scenario would be for you to find a higher quality of life without compromising the good things you're already doing for your children.

How do your kids cope with moving houses every two weeks. Personally did children of this age I would think this was far too disruptive and they heed one home base where they spend most of their time.

Our split was initially 50/50 with two days in week each and then alternate weekends which was fine when my DS was small. But after starting school it quickly became obvious that this was too disruptive so we chanted it to Dad having DS every other weekend and just on a Wed. Admittedly my DS has Aspergers and poor executive functioning and his Dad is also not v organised so these factors probably added to the issue as you need to be quite organised to make sure all the school prep stuff is done and in the right house.

Anyhow by the time DS was a teen he didn't want to go to Dad's mid week at all. And then later not even every other weekend. Their relationship which is very good, changed as did my relationship with DS. And we just went with what he wanted by this stage. They have tons of work leading up to GCSEs and when they are not working they want to be in their room or with friends. DS preferred to be at home where he had all his stuff and a good place to work. I didn't see much of him either (in terms of fun/social stuff) at this time, he just wasn't really wanting to be with his parents that much any more.

Perhaps talk to your kids. What do they want. Are they happy with the 2 weekly arrangement? If they are then I do think you need to prioritise your children for the next few years at least. If not, then you could try something different that works better for all of you.

Could your new partner not come up to see you at weekends when you have to be in Yorkshire?

To imply i've ignored everyone posting here is just madness.
Jesus fucking christ...
I've learned a valuable lesson here...

OP Everyone do you think it is a good idea if I live in Sussex full-time and only see my DD's occasionally, even though now I have a house in the area in which they live, a flexible job that lets me work 2 weeks in my DD's area, and see them 50/50. Or do you think I should live full time in Sussex so I don't lose my relationship with Super Cool Girlfriend and my Social Life and my friends. Yes I won't see my DD's as much and my ex-girlfriend who hates me for no reason will have to do a lot more looking after our DD's. But I can get on in my Career and have fun with my girlfriend and my DD's won't mind because they want me to be happy and fulfilled.

Everyone: No your responsibility towards your DD's and your relationship with them is more important than your relationship with your Girlfriend and your Social Life and living in a Fun Town.

Does this sound like you are listening to anyone here?

Seriously though, have you listened to anyone or learned anything? because I just hear Me, me, me in all your posts.

OK I agree with you that fairness between co-parents comes second to fairness to the kids. But none of that is relevant to your situation. What you’re doing now is fair to everyone, but your reasoning is clouded by your expectation of a constantly super fun personally fulfilling life. Sure those things are nice, but there’s a time and a place for everything. You have six more years to raise your kids. Six very critical years where teenagers need their parents more than ever. I believe you said you’re not even 40. You have decades to put you first. But right now the kids come first. Full stop. You have had many suggestions about working on your mental health independently of the children and you should do that. There are many different ways to be happy. You can’t cop out with the sad dad routine.

You also haven’t responded to the multiple times you’ve been asked why you would even consider leaving your children in their mother’s “sad” house for longer than you absolutely have to. And don’t even try to say your ex’s house would be less sad if you only see them on weekends and holidays. That is not a true thing.

I know you will reply, in semi-sarcastic but martyrish way, “Well I guess that’s it, I just have to devote my WHOLE life to the kids. I have to give up every bit of happiness in my life, poor me.” (paraphrasing). Yes it is true that you have to devote your life to the kids, often at the expense of your personal interests. Yeah, it’s hard, sometimes it sucks, but it’s temporary and it’s a fucking PRIVILEGE. Start framing it that way and I bet your mental health will improve.

You need to stop leaning on the old “quality vs quantity” trope. Sure it’s true in theory, but the problem is you can’t plan quality time.. You may plan a lovely day out and it turns out the place is crowded and not what you expected, there’s traffic, the girls are fighting, someone throws up in the car, and it’s no fun for anyone. Or your kids are just in a mood, which WILL happen with teenage girls. The real quality moments come when you don’t expect them — at bedtime, the school run, eating meals together. You never know when you will have a moment of real connection with your kids, a chance to find out what they’re thinking, their fears and pressures, and dreams, and spot things like friend problems, eating issues, low self esteem, and other things that are SO common in girls that age. Or a random conversation where you are all howling with laughter at an “in joke” that you will all refer to for decades. You can’t predict these things but the more normal, everyday time you soend with your kids the more likely it is you will have those quality moments. This is how you build a close relationship that will last a lifetime.

You talk about parents who work away lot, but I bet nearly all of them would love to have more time with their kids. You have that now and you want to give it up because YOU are sad, YOU don’t like Yorkshire, you, you, you, you.

Every time someone suggests you need to suck it up and stay in Yorkshire at least 50% because you do you come up with some silly analogy to dispute it, along with random vague musings. Initially you said you had this great flexible job and now you say your career opportunities will be limited by staying in Yorkshire. Another meaningless (and possibly overdramatized) excuse. Sure, your company may move you to the USA, drip drip you could also break up with your partner, win the lottery, get hit by a bus, or die of starvation due to post-Brexit food shortages. None of that matters. What matters is now, and you deal with future events when (if) they come to pass.

I know you feel people are being mean and you use that as an another excuse to dismiss what they’re telling you. I’m really not trying to personally attack you. But it’s a natural reaction when you’ve explained something so many times and the person just keeps arguing that you’re wrong. And we’re not wrong. When 90%+ of responses are in agreement, it’s a pretty fair bet that they’re onto something. Right now you make enough money to support two households, keep your kids fed and warm with occasional indulgences, and be with them 50% of the time. There isn’t a reason on earth good enough to walk away from that.

There are so many passionate posts, I think that they all miss the point.

The OPs current situation is unsustainable and crazy. He can’t realistically spend half the month in Yorkshire and half in Sussex for the next 10 years. I know no one who would actually do this, do you all?

He doesn’t want to live in Yorkshire.

The Mum does not want to live in Sussex.

So something has to change and there have been few constructive suggestions. Either the kids move full time with Dad, or he goes up for less time.

OP I am also an entitlement and privileged man (probably much more than you) yet I cannot agree with the way you are going about this. Maybe take a very objective view on your own posts perhaps apply some empathy, look at it from the perspective of your ex.

I'm impressed by your tantrums from time to time they are very amusing, that trite "done with this thread".

So why as a man do I find what your saying so disagreeable? I have 97.7% custody/contact/resident parent of the DC's. I'm pretty much in the same boat as your ex and many of the MN who oppose your attempt at validating something - I'm still very unsure of your main want.

Once you have children there is no longer balance none what so ever, so you can't balance great career, current love of your life, and having a social with the bros, with contact time with your children. Something has to give and I recommend to you just concentrate on great career, gf & bros, and your MH will improve massively. You've pretty much implied early, that's what you actually want the most.

As to your ex and dds, let them be, provide a decent income for them to live by. Do not skimp. Let your dds know that when they want you without fail, meaning nothing else comes first. You will respond whole heartedly. Stop with the griping about your ex, it's not attractive (your gf will be getting pretty bored of it). Understand this, your ex needs a quality of life as well, which I suspect is no where near anything like yours.

I don't really see you altering your original position, as you seem not to be prepared to make any concessions, rather it appears you want to increase your holding.

So my advice, stick to being in the home counties, it will be much better for you in the long run.

@disney that is very honest advice. I guess I’d only add, why can’t he just go up as regularly but for less time? A week a month is far more sustainable.

The OPs current situation is unsustainable and crazy. Why? As OP continuously says, many people work away for a week at a time, then come back to their family home. Some people work away all week then come home weekends, why can't the OP carry on as he is, so that his Daughters have a loving caring father, rather than one who pops up every other weekend in between the having fun with his girlfriend and his social life.

He can’t realistically spend half the month in Yorkshire and half in Sussex for the next 10 years. I know no one who would actually do this, do you all?

Well realistically we suggested for the next 6 until youngest DD is 18. Then he could move back to Sussex permanently.

He doesn't want to live in Yorkshire. (He does come from Yorkshire originally, you know that right?)

She doesn't want to live in Sussex. (She also comes from Yorkshire.)

So something has to change and there have been few constructive suggestions. Either the kids move full time with Dad, or he goes up for less time.

Or he lives in Yorkshire for the next 6 years then moves to Sussex, or carries on with the 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off scenario, which is already agreed with his job and means he gets to parent and carry on building a positive relationship and being a positive role model for his Daughters, rather than choosing to live away and prioritising his love life and fun social life. It may not even be 6 years, it could be as little as 4 years, if he builds a positive relationship and support for his Daughters now, by the time they are 16 and 19 they may be happy for him to stay in Sussex and see him on weekends.

They could grow up and think our Dad really loved us and gave us his time and support, or they could grow up and think we came second best to the girlfriend and having fun.

Wow OP. So you all lived in Yorkshire then moved to Brighton. the mother of your kids gets a very serious illness and you decide/agree to move back to Yorkshire perhaps to be near family support? Then you leave her because you "have grown" but she hasn't". Then you think you are good for letting in stay in her home for 6 months. Then you move away from your family and it's really tricky having a double life.
Now you say it would be a difficult decision if you get offered a job in the US? I have a 12 year old and nothing could persuade me to live in a different continent.

You have made a series of decisions that you don't seem to be taking responsibility for, instead complaining your ex hates you.

It's not for long. They'll be grown soon. If you can't stand it then just be honest as it sounds like you are angry that you are doing 50:50 but you have to because... your ex is horrible? Nice blokes do that?

I will be leaving my logistical situation as it is and getting professional help for my MH. Thank you all for your help.

Good luck OP. It's a total head fuck when you realise the grass wasn't greener and that splitting from your ex didn't mean you got your life back.

@r1kd

That sounds really positive, you need to get help for your MH. Does looking at it as a period of time where you need to be around 50/50 for a few short years which will fly by and could be shorter than you think as the Girls grow up, help? Maybe your Girlfriend, might decide you are a really great Father and man and you will stay together and happily live in Sussex full time in a few years. Good luck.

@r1kd

May I suggest the Nuffield's CBT package (availabke) though your PMI CHC/BHC) as a starting point to resolve your MH issues alternatively the NHS is exceptionally good too but long waiting lists.

My assumption, based on what you have alluded to is predominantly anxiety. But talk it over with your GP first.

It helped me come to terms with my own personal situation of career children balance.and to manage what I thought were breaking points.

It may help you with not throwing your toys out if the pram every time you hear something you don't like and your worldview is challenged. That will help as well with furthering your career as well as furthering a relationship with your dds, and, do much more importantly to be enable to work with your ex to nurture your dds.

I think that’s really wise. I’ve been a bit concerned by the statement about how you refuse to let your past ruin your current relationships. Your children cannot be compartmentalised into the past. There was a moment when they were born when you knew that as long as you could be with them, you’d have all you need. You need to work hard to get that feeling back.

Good advice from all above. I’d read these closely OP.

Bananasinpyjamas11

No, he won't. He didn't get the necessary validation to do what he actually wants to do, which is to believe the average difficulty of seperation makes him a "sad dad" and is disrupting the life he wants to live as he sees it.

There was plenty of pragmatic advice given, nearly all of which was dismissed out of hand as not being suitable to the OP

He’s winding us up
He has zero intention of doing those things

When you get help with your mental health things will look different and you will probably feel better about yourself and develop more empathy with your ex (which seems very lacking tbh) and also more emotional independence from her. Good quality counselling can be expected to improve the quality of ALL your relationships. Life will feel easier. Things can really improve from their current status quo and reducing your parental contact is not the only or indeed a magic answer.

@disney yes I see that he hasn’t listened. Which is a shame. It’s as if he wants to be seen as a martyr and then that to validate dropping his responsibilities. We are still parents after divorce.

You work with your new woman, don't you OP? Worked with her before you seperated from your not-wife? In the halcyon land of Suffolk. Your eyes met over a crowded spreadsheet, she was driven, younger, prettier, exciting, talked about the things you are interested in, got a solid 8 hours every night. At very least you already knew her while you were married.

So you 'grew', and your wife - your sick, lonely wife raising two girls - didn't. Under duress you moved back to where her support network was. Continued to become infatuated with your 'cool' colleague, whilst nobly 'helping' your sick, boring mother of your children.

As soon as she was decently well enough that you didn't look like a complete monster (I'm sensing how you appear matters a lot to you) you did a bunk. When in the office in Suffolk, you got on with your crush, and within a very short space of time (please do tell us exactly how long for a laugh) you and she are hooked up and all over each other.

Shocking that your ex is bitter, can't think why

Leaving all that aside, pure speculation etc. You currently have 50:50 access to your kids. the travel is killing you. Move back to Yorkshire, get a job there (not the best most fulfilling job in the world, boo hoo). Finish raising your children properly, like a father, not a fun uncle who sees them for fun stuff in the holidays. THEN when they don't need you - then it's your turn. Not before.

Anything else and frankly you're a bit of a shit.