Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

@GahWhatever - yeah that's a tough one. She kept the family house for a while. I had to stay in hotels and family and friends to see my kids for a few hours a weekend. It was extremely difficult to get any real time with them. I wasn't allowed near the house.

She resented me for making her feel trapped in the house. So she chose to find somewhere else and then I moved back in here and am in process of selling it so I can find something more suitable. It's a shit house. I should never have bought it. My mistake for feeling pressure from someone who was poorly. Anyway....
This is one of the things I tried to do to help. It didn't cost her a single penny to live here for the 6 months she did. I got into a lot of debt to make that happen.
She chose to move out rather than to help towards the cost of the house... I am sure you can imagine the impact that had on her finances and how that made her feel about me... She needs to fucking grow up and take responsibility... But this thread isn't supposed to be about her. I can't control that at al.

Because you should always take care of yourself first. And then you're in a much better position to take care of other people.

Bull. Shit.
May be in other relationships but not when it comes to parenting.
If my children are happy, then I’m happy.

You're a really nasty piece of work. It was apparent at the beginning tbh but your latest posts are ridiculous. You're clearly used to and comfortable with talking to people like shit and dressing it up as woke musings. Well done on allowing your wife to live in her family home for free for 6 months.
Good luck to your girls.

@BlancheM - I'm so confused as to why you reacted that way?
Should i have paid for her house, bills, food and everything for the rest of her life?
I'm confused. What did I do wrong there? Can you try explain more constructively because if I fucked up, I'd like to know about it.

also.. what's the obsession with that she was my wife? she wasn't. Marriage is a bullshit connotation to automatically attach to a relationship

Was she not "grown up and taking responsibility" taking care of your kids when you only saw them one weekend a month? Presumably because that's what suited you at the time?

You aren't making yourself look good here. You might think you have a superior relationship with your girls but remember that kids tend to lash out more at the parent they feel safe and comfortable with and behave better when they have a fear of (further) rejection. Your relationship with them now is very unlikely to look the same for the rest of their adult lives.

You're one of those people who thinks they're so clever but the immaturity shines through with the vegan and selling your body comments. Grow up and apply your newfound maturity to your approach towards parenting.
Clearly enraged that the ex has a low opinion of you as well.

Yeah I'm not buying this "good guy" narrative. We all know that the ones who think they are "good guys" are usually emotionally abosive narcissists and your me, me, me, what about meeeeeee?! Is coming through loud and clear. Exes don't go NC for no reason and you've predictably painted her as the "crazy ex." I feel sorry for all the females in your life.

Too be honest, you do seem very resentful at having to be in Yorkshire....
Maybe this is why your ex reacts as she does

Wife, ex, gf, it's just a reference to your former relationship to the mother of your child. It's not that deep, relax.
Should've known that marriage, the institution to give financial security and respect to the person you choose to have children with, wouldn't be your cup of tea.

@mansneverhot - 1 weekend a month ? That never happened.
When we first separated I had very little options. I had nowhere to stay when I was here. I drove up multiple times a month to see them. And over time it's become more stable.

@BlancheM - Thanks for the non explanation...

Oh well. I guess this thread has lost its usefulness.

@BlancheM - Marriage ensures respect? really? marriage ensures financial security? really? HAHAHAHHAH

Pft. I'm not anti-marriage.

@PerverseConverse - She's not a crazy ex.. she could just perhaps stop being so resentful. It would help her way more than it would help me.

Yeah I'm laughing at the thought that if you had any respect for the woman raising your children, you would ensure she isn't fucked in the event of a split as well. After all she lived in her home for another 6 months for free, you're all heart.
'Marriage is a bullshit connotation'= 'I'm not anti marriage' you're like, so woke maaaan. I can imagine the twists and turns of real life conversation with you and the manipulation but when it's here for all to read by strangers, it doesn't have the same affect as it does on your ex girlfriend.

@r1kd
In two years I have tried:

• 1 weekend a month
• every weekend
• A full week bookended by weekends (9 days)
• and 50/50 2 weeks at a time

I think you would find it more helpful to be less resentful of your children and your own life choices, even if they do get in the way of your new priorities / social life / relationship. Every single one of your problems has been caused by your own decisions and part of being an adult and parent is accepting that your needs can't, and shouldn't, always come first.

@mansneverhot - apologies. typo. Initially we had them alternative weekends. Then i tried every weekend, but it wasn't a fair split.

@BlancheM - perhaps I'm sensitive about the assumption we were married. There are negative connotations to getting a divorce vs just leaving your partner whether you're married or not.
Not about to try and explain why and how I'm not anti marriage. Don't think I know how. But I didn't not marry my ex so I could avoid the financial implications.
And I just still don't understand how trying to support my ex with a house was a bad thing. Maybe I should have just turfed her out ye?

Ok let’s be clear. There are various things all mashed up here. Let’s clarify.
Is this thread about :

1. how to improve your relationship with your ex ?
2. how to improve your mental health ?
3. how to change your custody arrangements ?
4. whether you should relocate to Sussex full time ?

Once I know what you’re asking, it will be easier to answer.

A couple of things strike me op. One is that you describe 50:50 custody as something dads give rather than get- the implication being that you believe you're doing your children a favour by giving up your time.

The second is the idea that your mental health is being affected by having two homes. Just think about that for a second. Isn't that exactly what you're asking of your children?

I'm also a lil confused as to why the personal attacks have started AFTER I have said the constructive criticism has been helpful.

I guess if I'm coming across as a self righteous prick then I should stop.

The personal attacks, I imagine, would be due to the frankly disrespectful way you speak of your ex who is likely to have far more in common with the average mumsnet user than you, being the parent who has provided a secure base and support for your children since your decision to leave.

@skunkatanka - That is a fair criticism. And something I didn't intend to suggest. I've tried to be clear that I'm well aware that I'm lucky I even have this chance to get to spend this much time with my kids.

To try be more concise about my ask "Is there a better way where more peoples lives are improved by change" The consensus seems to be no. That isn't even an option because you have a duty to be there as much as you can for your kids. At face value, I agree for sure. And i've clearly done a bad job of trying to just open the discussion that equal, isn't always fair, and fair, isn't always best for the kids.

And yes... Doesn't any separated parents have to put their kids through that? I am well aware the impact it has on my kids. We talk about it a lot. I can't change that they're going to have to live in two houses. But I can change the split... Even if the outcome is still 50/50... maybe it doesn't look exactly like it does now. I don't know.

@mansneverhot - You're right.

@mansneverhot

Nailed it

OP, no solution I’m afraid.
You’re a parent. Suck it up.

It's fairly unanimous because you asked on mumsnet R1
Ok dadsnet topic but most of us here are women.
Most of us single parents are women who never ever had any choice.
We just cracked on and paused our lives to do parenting.
It is a bit Shite, you live in hope the D.C. appreciate it, you have to restart when the dc are sorted.
You will be cutting about on your bike with new gf soon enough, sacrifice now and don't sulk about it.

I've never understood the delusion of "I didn't leave my children even though I moved away from both the family home and the area so I only see them x times a month. I only left their mum." My ex-H says this and our children very much see that it is not the case. Unless you take your children with you when you leave, them by definition you have left them.

Wait a second - did you say “fair isn’t always best for the kids”?

I despair.