Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

Put your kids first. I promise you won't regret it and, when they grow up, they'll remember it.

OP I was/am a single parent, my DC are now adults. My ex did absolutely nothing for them, and I have brought them up singlehandedly. Basis my situation I can see..

1. You are a great parent
2. You have thrown yourself into the lions den coming here to ask advice
3. You don’t deserve to be attacked
4. You stated from the outset you were ‘priviliged’

I have no words of wisdom OP as this is a very difficult situation. I have to say though, if you were my ex, I’d try very hard to be amicable and make life easier for you, as this can only improve your relationship with the DC. The DC can see what is going on with their mother too, and the hard time she is giving you, make no mistake about that!

What I guess I’m trying to say here, is that I’ve had a shit time trying to engage my ex with our DC, to no avail, and you are doing your utmost to accommodate everyone. Fair play to you, the ex doesn’t know how lucky she is.

The DC will probably see much less of you in the next few years, natural as their friends take precedence. They could take the train now down to London, and you could spend the weekend with them there, school holidays in Sussex.

I truly hope you find a way round this OP, everyone deserves to be happy. We lay our lives down for our kids sometimes, just to be trampled on later, seen it time and again.

Good luck OP

@Itsallpointless - a contrasting name compared to your post. Thank you :)

In response to your 4 points.
1: I'm not a great parent. But I'm trying.
2: It's actually been really helpful.
3: It stings a bit because there's a grain of truth in some of it.
4: Ye. But that's a hard message to get right... I suck, because I have options. Oh well. Best not try to make any then.... meh

For those who have been constructive. Your criticism has been well received.

@r1kd as I said, my comments/opinions are based on my situation.

And though there may be some (a grain) of truth in it, personally I prefer to see constructive criticism rather than vitriol.

@r1kd

A little reverse insight for you:

I was married for almost 2 decades. First decade, from when I was 18-28, it was just my ex-husband and I, we had the best life together, travel, laughter, our own businesses, freedom to do as we pleased whenever we pleased, financial bliss, and a pretty mind blowing sex life.

Second decade, when I was 27 we decided we were ready for a family and our DC was born. Ex-husband is 6 years older than me. Fast forward and we had another 2 DC, all planned and all very wanted, I was 34 and he was on the cusp of 40 and it all fell apart.

My ex-husband through his own admission but without my knowledge became more and more dis-engaged with family life. Freedom to do as we pleased became working around nap times. Mind blowing sex became an endless round of night feeds and working out sleep patterns. Travel became wherever was overtly child friendly and upon arrival we were doing the same things as parents just in a different location.

Life progressed and I was in heaven, (I was born to be a Mum as well as a kick ass and wholly independent woman!) My ex-husband bought into the fantasy of being a Dad but he was never truly content or at peace with his role as I am with mine. He missed life before children but felt completely ashamed admitting it to anyone, especially because I took to it all so naturally and even more so because he wanted children more than I did and we waited so long to have them because I wasn't ready.

He went on to be unfaithful, (I am not for one moment suggesting that this is what you have done) I found out, he stated he was in love with the OW and wanted to be with her and we split up.
Our DC were 1, 3 and 7 at the time. He moved out of the city that I still live in with our DC to a different city just 45 minutes away.
When he left, he promised me and our DC that he would see them every weekend without fail. Our eldest took it the hardest and all she could see was that her Dad had left her, no matter what was explained to her or how it was worded.

Today, almost 4 years on he now sees our 3 children once a month for 6 hours give or take. He has very little communication with them otherwise and supports them financially but does little else for them.

His reasons for this:

I need to find myself, I lost myself many years ago and I was unhappy with my life and I deserve to be happy too

I found a woman that truly unlocked me like no other ever has or ever will. I owe it to her and to me to give us a chance.

My children will always be in my life, OW has only just arrived, I need to invest in her which will ultimately benefit my children because I will be in a better frame of mind

My children will be happier if their Dad is happier

My children will understand why I am doing what I am, I will talk to them, they are strong

My ex-wife is an amazing mum, the best ever, she can handle this and she will make sure that they are all ok

I will still see them, surely the QUALITY of time is more important than the QUANTITY so even if I see them less, it will be better because I will be happier meaning they will be happier

My mental and emotional health cannot take it anymore, I need to do what is best for me and OW as well as my children but I need to be happy to make my children happy

I love my children, they are my no.1 priority, but I can't keep living like this and will need to see them less, but I love them and they are my no.1 priority.

Do you know what these statements have done to my children?
My eldest DC BELIEVES that Dad picked OW/girlfriend above all else. Said OW/girlfriend has now left him anyway.

My DC BELIEVES that Dad is a very selfish man who never truly loved DC because if he did and even if we split up, Dad would have been there no matter what, as a Dad because that's what parents do

My DC BELIEVES that Dad is not a good person because instead of being strong for DC like they see their Mum doing, they have seen Dad, now 4 years in, reduce time with them over and over again with the promise that the quality would increase because Dad would be happier, and all that has happened is the time spent with their Dad is less and the quality is just as bad if not worse.

My DC BELIEVES Dad can't be relied on and gets very, very anxious on the rare occasion that Dad is responsible for anything such as attending a concert (he has attended 2 over 3 years)

I do not ever share my ex-husband's negativities with my DC but I can see all of the very valid points that come out of my 11 year olds mouth and I have very little constructive feedback, other than 'your Dad loves you and is just different' because what is being said is correct. My DC's self worth has corroded because the message that has come through loud and clear is 'Dad thinks I am not worth making the effort for'.

You have no guarantee that making changes to the amount you see your children will help in any way shape or form.
What I can guarantee is it will impact your relationship with your children negatively and regardless of how understanding you say they are, they will get the message that Dad took an option that basically meant less time with us and more time with his girlfriend and friends and that will never end well.

I think you should get some help for yourself as an individual. I don't think any of your decisions should be based on your new partner, job or friends. The only way to do this 'guilt free' is to know hand on your heart that you are doing it for the right reasons and the only 2 factors that should matter are your children and the impact on their mum and your own personal health. Everything else should be secondary.
You need to work out what your capabilities are and be honest with all parties about them.

If you cannot talk to your ex-partner about this issue then suggest Mediation or family counselling to find a way. Like it or not, you are bound together as a family for life because you had children together.

You've said several times that your ex is very bitter and won't engage with you. Why is that?

Why is it that time is supposed to be the only factor for being a good Dad? Why is everyone saying unless it’s 50/50 you aren’t a good Dad?

Your kids need lots of things, they need low conflict, stability, security, parenting and love. This does not need to be strictly 50/50. There isnt evidence showing that the amount of time with each parent is crucial for their wellbeing.

Read this for a very good overview of the research.

www.nuffieldfoundation.org/sites/default/files/files/Would%20legislation%20for%20shared%20parenting%20time%20help%20children%29OXLAP%20FPB%207.pdf

I would be looking at this around the kids school terms, their lives and their holidays. I would, if I were you, have them with you in Sussex over holidays. As much as can be accommodated and suits the kids too. Make the place somewhere they also have memories, a room to call their own, connect with other peers for them or holiday clubs so that you can enrich their lives and giving them a sense of your life too.

At school terms, take a different approach. Go up for 10 days a month, at first, having two weekends. They will be in school so your input here is to be as observant, helpful and aware of their lives. How is their school work? Their friends? Work in their mum. You never know! Be no conflict, don’t react, give her some support, be useful. It’s possible! Pay for things they need, be generous. Go straight up there if you are needed.

That should give you more time to spend most of the month at Sussex without losing a huge amount of time with your boys.

The thing is when the kids feelings are involved you can't predict ...after my parents divorces my sister reacted very much as IHRL55's kid has - only 18 months younger and I reacted differently, and haven't judged my father ha as harshly.

But what I do agree with IHRL55 is you need to work on yourself. You mentioned your parents mental health issues - could be your set up is fine, but your mental health is making you see negatives where there really aren't any. You mentioned striving for perfection and then falling short - it's bloody exhausting to always think like that. There is no perfection in raising a family, and definitely not one involving major illness, divorce, remote working, teenagers etc. In the nicest way possible, you need to work out your own shit before you start up rooting anyone else.

I agree that you need to prioritise working on your own mental health with professional support.

It is just not rational to think that you must be unhappy if you live in Yorkshire.

I believe that you also need to think very carefully about the longer term effect of distance. When I was 20 (at university) and my younger sister 16, my parents and sister moved nearly 300 miles away to a remote and rural part of the country. Even though I was a young adult at the time, that single decision has had profound impacts on all sorts of aspects of our lives.

From that point on, distance meant that my relationship with my parents was always conducted by telephone or in time-limited visits. I could never just 'be' there or 'pop in' in the way that you can when you live locally. Because of the need to travel from there to do anything, we have also ended up geographically scattered as a family. None of us could stay at home or return to our parental home while getting established in life, as there were few job opportunities and no HE institutions in the region. My siblings and I are now grown adults with families and jobs of our own, but we rarely see each other and years go by between getting together as a whole family. Terminal illness and bereavement of one parent was made even more painful by being physically at a distance. None of us thinks of that part of the country as home. Looking into the future, eldercare of our surviving parent is a nightmarish prospect.

My surviving parent then sits at home and complains that no-one visits them regularly!

I believe, for children and young adults, nothing replaces that feeling of having a parent close enough to be able to visit at short notice, when they need you, want you or would just like to see you.

Think carefully about how you want your relationship with your children to look when you are 45, 55, 65...

My mum did something similar to this when me and my brother were teens. She moved a way away to be with her new partner ‘for her mental health’ and saw us every few weekends. We stayed with our dad.
20 years on my mum is divorced for a second time and carries such huge guilt that her mental health is in a far worse place than it was back then. Life with my dad wasn’t perfect but we have far more respect for him for sticking around and bringing us up than we do for our mum (well did, my brother is now dead. One of the things my mum feels so much guilt about is that she didn’t see much of him before he died).
Just to offer an alternative perspective.

Why is everyone saying unless it’s 50/50 you aren’t a good Dad?

I'm not saying that - but I am saying that if it is currently 50/50, and the OP drops that for his own mental well-being, he is putting the burden of his mental health onto his ex-wife instead. How do we know her well-being doesn't hinge on having her own free time to see friends and form relationships? I'm sure she'd cope just fine, because single mums do on the whole, but going from having 50% of the time to yourself to less than that will have an impact on her life in one way or another, and it's quite clearly putting the message across that his mental health is more important than hers, which is not taken into consideration at all.

2 further points...
If you believe your ex wife’s house is such a sad, difficult environment for them to be in, why would you want them to spend more time there?

Also, when I look back on my teenage years, it was my dad who helped with my homework, who hugged me when I split with my first boyfriend, who helped me negotiate friendship issues, who acted as my taxi service, who helped me calm down before exams/my driving test etc. He did all this despite his own depression at my mum leaving him and moving hundreds of miles away. He’s now happily remarried.

You have not really said what your new partner thinks about any of this?! You had a job down south for 2 years before you moved down which suggests your job can be done from Yorkshire. Your tight finances running 2 homes will not be helping your mental health. I would suggest you keep your Yorkshire property and give up the other one which will give you more disposable income. If you returned to being Yorkshire based you could travel down just when work need you to make an appearance. Your new partner knew you had 2 children and that they would always be your top priority. She needs to decide if she loves you enough to either move to Yorkshire or travel to see you regularly. Does she own a property or do you rent together or does she live with you. It will not be long before kids are off to Uni and making their own way in the world, at why point you can live wherever and they can come and stay when they choose.

I think the conclusion seems to be suck it up. If my relationship doesn't survive. So what.
I'm not happy about that.

But you are happy to take the risk of staying in Sussex with the odd weekend of seeing your DD's and risk losing your relationship with them? Your actual children, not just some woman you are having an 18 month relationship with? Yes she could be the love of your life for the rest of your life, if she is, your relationship is likely to survive anyway. Or she could be gone in 2 years and you could have damaged your relationship with your girls for nothing.

Why is it that time is supposed to be the only factor for being a good Dad? Why is everyone saying unless it’s 50/50 you aren’t a good Dad?

Nobody is saying unless it's 50/50 your aren't a good parent. But who, given the choice (which OP has), would choose less than 50/50?

I would hate to split with my DP, and I would be devastated to be apart from my DC whilst they are growing up. I would however share my DC with their Dad 50/50 because he is a good Dad and they deserve a relationship with him. I would never choose to see my DC less than 50/50, why would anyone who has the choice? It is different if circumstances (a father in the forces etc who is away on deployment), dictate less than 50/50.

Also OP if you see the DD's less than 50/50 you are basically forcing their mum to look after them a lot more just so you can go out with your friends and girlfriends and have a lovely life in Sussex whilst she does all the hard work day to day stuff. Stuck in every night taking care of her DD's whilst you are out wining and dining your girlfriend, with the odd weekend off. Or trying to fit a job around making sure your daughters have their mum there in the morning and evening, cooking all their meals, helping with homework, looking after them evenings and weekends when you can't have them.

What if she would like to have the opportunity to work late or weekends or early mornings to further her career? You know like you want to do in Sussex?

3 things:

1. This whole mental health thing is a copout. It’s not a decision between “sad dad” and Sussex. That’s a total excuse, I hope you realize that. If you are having mental health issues, see your GP, get counseling, whatever.

1. You’ve made up your mind to see less of your daughters. Call it an “alternative arrangement” or whatever you want but that’s what it is. It’s a selfish and shitty thing to do, esp during the teenage years. Cue OP saying we can’t understand, so many nuances, blah blah blah.

1. Some of your posts make very little sense. The faux jocularity strikes again. I mean, I get the idea but there’s lots of strange rambling. All of this musing about life, why can’t we all be happy, the kids need a happy dad, and so on. That is all meaningless bullshit.. And you are using all that bullshit to obfuscate the fact that what you want is to spend more time in Sussex, away from your kids. And you’re going to do it so there’s no point discussing.

I think where-ever you are, you risk losing the relationship with the people you’re not with. At present you’re risking your children and the thing is, you won’t know you’ve killed it until they’re adults and reflect on their childhood.

If your new relationship is for keeps, she will move to Yorkshire for 3-5 years on the understanding that once the kids are away to uni you will move back down south. If she won’t - well, she’s not thinking like part of a couple and isn’t giving your relationship with your kids the weight it deserves.

I’m afraid the fact that you moved south as a family pre-split and your wife moved to Yorkshire post-split has been lost somewhat - an earlier poster made a mistake and others are reading that as gospel. It does count. But often on MN we get posters saying “I love my new DP, he’s amazing but my DS rubs him up the wrong way”. And the advice is ALWAYS “give your head a wobble and put your child first”. This advice follows on in the same way...

You are looking at this the wrong way...

You have 26 weeks a year where your a dad, a proper dad to your girls.. once your eldest leaves school in a year or so things will change, and you need to look at each bit of life as it happens.
Your job means you have the money to do things and enjoy life, so just do special things when with each group, this is no more than people in the services do.
Your mental health is suffering due to you, change how you see things, look for the ways to improve it all.

@Longtalljosie - I'm not risking my kids at all. I have them 50% of the time. I would have them 100% of the time given half a chance and I felt it would benefit them. This disruption affects them too. This is not a purely selfish act to try and explore this.
And a study posted by @Bananasinpyjamas11 shows that 50/50 does not equal happy children. Of course, the more time spent with kids has an improvement, but only up to a certain point. Quality of life is so much more valuable.
I had parents who were there 100% of the time but were not actually there, mentally and emotionally. Does that make sense?
I'm there more for my kids when I'm not here than a lot of parents are when they're in the same room. I just wish I could be more happy and comfortable with the disruption.

@TheBhagwan - Mental health isn't a copout and I haven't decided anything. If it's so worthless to discuss, why waste your time posting an irrelevant observation?

My parents are divorced and I agree that I have some strong feelings about the sacrifices I saw my mum make to look after / be there for us, and the sacrifices my dad made (sacrificing his ability to maintain a relationship with his children) in order to pursue his own interests and women.

This essentially manifested as anger in my teens and early twenties and now that I'm older it essentially means I have a world of respect for my mother and a far more reserved relationship with my father who I don't feel I can trust to have my best interests at heart, especially if they conflict with his own "best interests". I know which I'll be moving mountains to care for in their own age and which should have their own resources and networks to survive with as little input as they gave me when I needed caring for.

You have daughters and it's worth bearing in mind how this will affect their views of family set ups and men/women as a whole in an already misogynistic society. Especially if you truly do believe they'd be better off spending more time with you but that just doesn't suit your priorities at the moment.

I'm not risking my kids at all. I have them 50% of the time. I would have them 100% of the time given half a chance and I felt it would benefit them. This disruption affects them too. This is not a purely selfish act to try and explore this.

But you are talking about trying to have them less. You don't want to have them 50/50, you want to live in Sussex and see them when it suits you.

I also read that study and it did not say what you are trying to imply at all.

When do children with separated parents do best?

Of course, time is needed to sustain close relationships,
and for a range of reasons non-resident parents may not
always be willing to spend time even when it is in children’s best interests. It has also been suggested that children benefit when non-resident fathers are actively involved in
their children’s daily activities.

So the study said that it is quality of relationship with the non resident parent which is important, but also that the non-resident fathers should be actively involved in their children's daily activities, not living 4 hours away and seeing them occasionally.

It also cited the proximity of the non resident parent to the Children being of optimum importance. The further away the non resident parent the worse it is for the children. With the disruption of Children living in different house being worsened by the distance of the non resident parents house.

I had parents who were there 100% of the time but were not actually there, mentally and emotionally. Does that make sense?

So you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents, (By the way this is what you are doing to your Daughters with your SAD Dad crap) ,and now feel that the best thing is for your Daughters to live with their mum full time and see you just on occasionally weekends so you can be happy and emotionally there for your Daughters. (How is their mums happiness and emotional well being featuring in your plans?)

Personally I would be doing the best to be there for my Daughters emotionally and actually if I had had an upbringing like that. I would be determined not to follow the same path my parents had and would make sure my Daughters knew they were the most important thing in the world to me. Not going out with some other woman and my social life.

I'm there more for my kids when I'm not here than a lot of parents are when they're in the same room. I just wish I could be more happy and comfortable with the disruption. How does this tally with; they are understanding and know that their Dad is Sad to be in Yorkshire with them rather than with his girlfriend in Sussex.

Some of your posting is melodramatic, e.g. your life is disruptive to your friends. As a full time lone parent, friends and a social life are luxuries. Friends have their own lives and families anyway, adults don't let other's lives affect them personally. The Yorkshire thing...yeah. You hate it and it makes you ill but at the same time you're a proud Yorkshireman and it's the home of your children.
Reading through your dilemma, it does seem complex and like you need to perfect a balancing act which is unobtainable. But actually it's very simple and straightforward. You need to live near your kids. That is the only priority. Girlfriends, no. Really liking another city, no. For me there is no question, I can't imagine the 'privilege' of the chance of living a compartmentalised life as a parent.
I wouldn't want it. Other option is to: accept that you simply cannot be the present, involved parent you would like to be and stay where you are. Don't expect the girls to be running backwards and forwards to accommodate your choices though, if you yourself find the instability a real mental load.
There's no compromise or best of both worlds. It's one or the other and I think you know that.

I'm there more for my kids when I'm not here than a lot of parents are when they're in the same room.

Genuine Question.

How are you there more for your kids when you are not here?

You might think about them but they don't know that, unless they are mind readers.

So Lily has a problem with getting to a friends house for a party on the weekend, mum can take Lily to the party at 8 pm but can't pick her up at 11 pm because Sarah will be at home in bed. But it's ok because Dad can pick her up and drop her home or she can stay at Dad's after. Oh no he can't can he because he is 4 hours away in Sussex.

Or Sarah is taken ill in school and rushed into hospital. Mum is with her but Dad has to drive up for 4 hours before he can come and see her.

@Tinty - It isn't purely about my new partner. I'd still want to live in my home, Sussex, even if i was single. My work, friends and home is there. It has been my home for about 8 years now and I regret hugely agreeing to move.
I can still be emotionally there for my kids even though I'm sad about the location I feel obligated to be in.
There's a lot of responses here, including yours, who imply I have ditched my kids. No I have not. When people leave their partners they are not always leaving their kids.
When you say things like "Sad dad crap" it just removes any of the good stuff you might be saying because it undermines ones self worth.
I sure wish my parents had split up when I was a kid because they were fucking miserable and still are. I sure wish my parents were much happier. I wish some of my friends were happier who have kids but feel obligated to "do what's right" even though nobody truly knows the impact that can have on children.

I'm a bit tired of people claiming I feel like I'm being hard done by. Just because society tells you you should do something... doesn't mean it's the best thing.

I have not come on here claiming to know what's best.. I have not come on here saying "i've ditched my kids please tell me that's ok"

I want the best version of their dad to be present when he's there. That's me. I care about me. And if anyone thinks caring about yourself is selfish, then you're an idiot. Because you should always take care of yourself first. And then you're in a much better position to take care of other people.

I am not saying you should be purely selfish... you should not. But you should take care of your own physical and mental wellbeing.