Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

@Tinty - I talk to my kids almost every day. They don't need to be mind readers, they can just ask me when I talk to them.

As for the two examples you gave. The first one is trash. People live apart from their families a lot. I used to have to travel for work, to further my career so that I could give my kids and my family a better life. Because I can't be there to pick up the kids from school while I'm in Seattle doing business, does that make me a shit parent? Nonsense.

The second one.. Sure. I would be 4 hours away. But I'd drop everything and come. It's happened already.
Again.... Some people are forced to live apart due to limitations of work etc... Would that make them a bad parent? Nonsense.

So why is your ex so bitter?

Ill ask again... if you think their mums house is a sad/negative place for them to be, why would you leave them there for more time? How would that help them?
Do you think your ex wife will be a better or worse parent to them if she has them 90% of the time rather than 50%?
Is she entitled to down time/a social life?

When my mum left, my dad no longer had any social life to speak of. It really didn’t help his depression. He also had to stop going away so often with work which stalled his career hugely. He has never once complained about that. I have so much love and respect for him for that.
Now I have children of my own, he lives nearby and sees us all regularly, cares for his grandchildren etc.
My mum... yeah that relationship is still difficult.

Don't expect the girls to be running backwards and forwards to accommodate your choices though.

What a very good point PP makes; you want to live a nice comfortable life in Sussex with your Girlfriend, friends and active Social life, but you want your poor Girls to be running backwards and forwards to see you.

My DC's and many of thier friends do a sport at the weekend, with competitions etc, how do your DC fit this sort of thing in if they are expected to up sticks and travel to Sussex twice a month? Not even mentioning the 8 hours travelling they will have to do just to spend a couple of days with you.

I expect after a few years they will start to be to busy to come and you will be that father complaining that he never sees his DD's anymore.

You say you’re being open minded and trying to find an adequate solution but are disputing any suggestion that your children will be better off with you around than they will be if you move back to Sussex.

Because you should always take care of yourself first. And then you're in a much better position to take care of other people.

What we're trying to say is that for most single parents with 50% or more residency, their children do NOT get the "best version" of that parent. How can they? And those parents do NOT get the luxury of taking care of themselves first because their children must and will always come first. No martyrdom needed - but I can't leave my children home alone to go for a run or out for drinks. I can't have lie ins or weekends away easily and as often as I need to be the best version of myself, and that's true of literally thousands and thousands of parents, mostly single mothers.

r1kid
I will be accused of stereotyping here probably, but whilst in theory it is good to look after number 1, in practice, the majority of women look after other peoples needs before they even consider their own. And I think that is as parents what we should be doing. And I think that to achieve good mental health, you may need to shift your thinking on this. You and your ex made a decision to bring 2 kids into this world. That was not their choice. With that comes a responsibility to be there for them at least until they are adults and they can then choose how much they still need you at that point.
For what it's worth, it sounds like you have done a pretty good job so far, but it is what it is now. Your kids are based far away from where you want to live but that is the reality for the next few years. As I see it, you either move back to make logistics easier or you grit your teeth, accept it for what it is and keep going for the next few years. When they are choosing Uni or getting jobs then you can focus a bit more on your needs as long as you have space for them to stay as needed. It then becomes their choice how much they see you.

@PerverseConverse - Because I "destroyed her life" by leaving her. I won't go into why I chose to do that. I did not take it lightly. But it was the damn best thing I could have done.

I actually don't know after two years why she still can't talk to me. She bad mouths me to the kids. She makes shit up.
It's not as bad as some people have it. But I didn't kill anyone, abuse anyone, cheat on anyone... I just grew and she didn't and we didn't get along anymore. I helped her after the break, I've done my very best to try and help her via her friends and family and through my kids. But nothing seems to work. Even if I do something nice, my family tell me she's slagging me off about it to them and in front of my kids...

Some people tell me... She's going to be miserable no matter what, so just do what I think is best. I am really reluctant to do that, because i don't underestimate the value of having a mother in your life. Especially for girls at teenage years. If moving back here 100% of the time would make her happy. I'd do it. But it wouldnt. 50/50 is shit for her. 0/100 is shit for her. 100/0 is shit for her. Weekends are shit. 9 days a month is shit..

I'm just lost with her... I can't expend much more energy trying to help make her feel better.

Because you should always take care of yourself first. And then you're in a much better position to take care of other people

And how will your ex wife get to take care of herself in this scenario?

@Tinty - Where on earth did i say i expected my kids to run around after me... My brain just shuts down to sensible arguments when people start accusing things which aren't true.

@SoyDora - That is her responsibility to do so. Our current arrangement is 50/50 she has has much freedom as i do. I am flexible when she wants change.... her own health and wellbeing are not my responsibility.

You need to do what is best for your children, not your ex.

Yes, we all know your current situation is 50:50. But you want to change that. I asked if you think it changing to her having them 90% of the time will make her a better or worse mother to your children? And if their mothers house is currently a sad/negative place for your children to be, why would you want them to spend even more time there than they currently do?

@vdbfamily - Don't agree with just saying "loads of other people have to do this"
I have huge respect for single mums. HUGE!
I hate the patriarchy of society.. HATE IT
I DO NOT want my girls growing up thinking, well women in the past had to do this so i should too. Fuck that. And any woman going through hardship should say that too. Take care of yourself. I don't mean entirely selfishly. I mean... Take some time. Look after your health. Look after your brain. It's then much easier and healthier to work with others going through life.

I'm not saying. I must go out for dinner every night with my girlfriend to prove to myself i'm taking care of myself.
But completely neglecting ones self is the mistake a lot of people make.

And I've said many many times here. I have the luxury of some choice. I am aware of that. Just because I have more choice than others does not mean I should not try to capitalise on it.

I fear this is coming across as "I want to see my kids less so i can get laid" Not even close to the truth.
Just trying to figure out how to navigate life a little better than I'm currently doing.

@SoyDora I don't know. Exactly the reason I asked for opinions here. I wish I did know. If giving the kids up to be 90/10 split would make her happy so she gave the kids a better environment which would make them happy and ultimately my kids thrive.... I'd do it... I'd do it if I knew it was the best thing.
But I don't.. Currently with my understanding... No matter what I do.... their mum will be so angry with me that it will effect every single one of her relationships. with her partner, her kids, her parents, my family... Everyone... because she hates me sooooooo much...

Uh huh. "My ex hates me but I've done nothing to make her hate me." I suspect her side of this would be very interesting.

I have not come on here claiming to know what's best.. I have not come on here saying "i've ditched my kids please tell me that's ok"

No but every single post you have put on here you have said this is best for ME and what I want. I want the best version of their dad to be present when he's there. That's me. I care about me. And if anyone thinks caring about yourself is selfish, then you're an idiot. Because you should always take care of yourself first. But this is what your parents did, thought of themselves first and their depression first over and above looking after their Son.

There are lots of people on here who are struggling with depression and doing their best to beat it and look after and give their Children good lives despite having depression.

You are completely ignoring every single poster who is pointing out that you moving to Sussex and leaving your DD's in Yorkshire is going to be detrimental to them, however you try and argue it.

You also don't have to stay in Sussex you can carry on as you are for a few years and eventually stay in Sussex. But you Care about You, and what is best for You is leaving your Daughters in Yorkshire whilst you have a jolly life in Sussex and maybe drag them backwards and forwards over occasional weeks/weekends for a few years.

Basically you are just a very Selfish man who is thinking life in Sussex with the Super Cool Girlfriend and fun Social Life is more fun than being boring Dad in Yorkshire. Well we all think that but when you have DC your responsibility to them is more important than your Social Life and your Super Cool Girlfriend.

And your examples of jobs taking people away from their DC don't apply to you, You have the choice, other people don't.

@PerverseConverse - Hey. I'd love to hear it. I really would. Because i'd do my best to try put it right if I could.
I ain't stupid. I was not the perfect partner. I understand her life was turned upside down when I left. Mine was too. But I did nothing that warranted endless hatred.
I would pay good money to find out what it is that really bugs her about me because it has a profound effect on my kids.

Thinking of the AirBNB suggestion above. It would work out more expensive than having your own place, plus you won't have that much flexibility as your DC need to be close to school and friends when they are with you unless you significantly cut down your time with them. Cutting down your time will impact on your relationship with them and increase your maintenance payments.

How about using AIRBnB to rent out your Yorkshire home for one week each month? So you tidy up and leave it nice when you go back to Sussex and then for the week before you get back someone else rents it. You return in time to switch bedding and tidy as necessary before the DC arrive and you have additional income in your pocket so you are less hamstrung?
Your DP comes and stays in the middle weekend of each fortnight you have there, or more if she can.
You try and redevelop a local network in Yorkshire so your life there isn't just remote working and chauffeuring the Dc about and you have your own life there too. Then you'd have the best of both worlds: a bit more money, to see the DC grow up at close quarters, alone time with your DP (which most parents barely get) and quality family time.
You are focussing on the things that aren't working for you. Focus on the good stuff and make changes to enable that.

Where did I say I expect them to run around after me?
That was my post PP was referring to. You were entertaining another poster's suggestion of your girls travelling down monthly to visit you. That's them going out of their way to accommodate you. You are the parent. You find the travel detrimental to your mental health- you've written it all down here, the effect the back and forth has on you- why would your DDs be completely fine with it if you aren't?

Where on earth did i say i expected my kids to run around after me... My brain just shuts down to sensible arguments when people start accusing me of things which aren't true. So your brain shuts down when people point out the reality of you living in Sussex and your girls living in Yorkshire?

Because you have said that you would like your DD's to come to Sussex with you more often. If you live full time in Sussex how are they going to spend time with you without running around after you?

You won't have a house in Yorkshire so they are going to have to make a 4 hour journey to spend time with you. Or are you going to go to Yorkshire every two weeks and they will stay in a hotel with you there? Or will they be sleeping on their Grandmas Sofa/Spare bedroom (presuming she has a big enough house), every other weekend to spend time with their Dad.

@Tinty - there is a huge difference between taking care of yourself, thinking about yourself and being a total selfish prick...
I guess that's just difficult to get across in a forum.
People calling me selfish doesn't really effect me. I know I'm not. I know the difference.

And it does apply. Because there is always a high chance i will be given the option of moving to USA or giving up my work... and if i'm not confident i can find work in yorkshire, which i'm not, then I'd have a very difficult decision to make...And also...everyone has a choice. It may be difficult. but they do.
I had the choice to get another job when we moved, or take a pay cut and some very difficult discussions with my bosses to get the flexibility i felt like i needed to make my family work.
I may be in a better position than some, but pretending its easy just doesn't wash. I had to fight and work very hard to get that flexibility.

Finally. I'm not ignoring anyone. A lot of the constructive criticism I've taken on board and it's reframed my perception on some things. I'm just a little annoyed at feeling like some people are obfuscating the truth to just have a dig.

BTW: I notice that in your OP you say that your house in Yorkshire was the family home. Where do your exW and DC live? Did they get a house out of the breakup or is your exW in rented while you maintain two homes? If so, could that be a source of resentment?

@Tinty - My kids were brought up in sussex for the most part. It is not a hindrence to them to visit. They love it there.
I would reluctantly put them on a train but more often than not I'd come and collect them. I won't be giving up my house in yorkshire any time soon. I'd sell my body if i had to. But i dont think i will because I've worked hard to have flexibility with my finances.

Never would I just sit on my arse and demand they come and see me.
This is what I mean about brain shutting down when accusations are being flung...

Would I like my kids in sussex more? Hell ye. It's cool. It's where they were brought up. They love it. They have friends there. There's a beach. There's culture. There's so much good influential stuff there for them...
Would I give up my entire existence in yorkshire and make them come and see me once a month? No i would not. I want them to be influenced by yorkshire people too, especially their family.

No read the thread

You moved to Sussex
What the heck did you expect? How did you see this panning out?