Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

You have 2 DD's 12 and 15, they need their dad, they need you to spend time with them now. They may not need you to spend so much time with them say in 6 years when 12 yr old DD is 18.

As your DD's are settled in Yorkshire and you are all from Yorkshire I take it that you DW didn't settle in Sussex and wanted to move back.

Can you and your DP live in Yorkshire for the next 6 years with a plan to move back to Sussex when youngest DD is 18? Your DD's happiness is the most important thing. If you want to move back to Sussex and leave them to just see you every other weekend you will gradually be less and less connected to them, eventually they will probably start missing weekends until you just become once a month Dad. Is this what you want?

If you move to Yorkshire, you’ll need to find a new job I imagine. It really depends. It’s an all eggs in one basket kind of situation. There doesn’t seem to be one scenario in which everyone is happy, so ultimately, the default needs to be What is best for the kids? It sounds like they like where they live and I bet they’d love it if you were around more. It would be great if your new partner could move too. Imagine what kind of statement that would send to your kids!!

In two years I have tried:

• 1 weekend a month
• every weekend
• A full week bookended by weekends (9 days)
• and 50/50 2 weeks at a time

She was very ill yes. She has beat it and is getting on with her own life. She does not, and would not need my help in that regard.

Yes, I left her. Our relationship was dead for a number of years.

@MoastlyBoastly - Thank you.
I could keep my job. That doesn't phase me. And you're right. No scenario is going to please everyone. If my partner moved here until the kids were 18 I think it would make it much easier. However, I'm just not sure I can bring myself to impose that on her :( She's an incredible woman who has a career and life in sussex. I think she would come to yorkshire. But I worry it would end us eventually. This may just be my negative thinking. I dunno... I'm so stuck :(

I don't mean this in an aggressive tone but I am quite sceptical of the idea that children can't be happy unless their parents follow every selfish desire that makes THEM happy. Do you honestly think your children will be happier because you've reduced contact so you can focus more on your friends and new relationship? If the new gf can't handle you having shared custody and this is causing 'issues' then maybe she just isn't a great fit for your life and family.

Sounds tough, not sure why people are having a go.
I get why you leaving for 2 weeks every month might have a strain on your current relationship! And its very accommodating of your work to allow that from you.

Can the children not get a train down and stay with you in Sussex for the 2 weeks? Although, I think you'll find as they both hit teenage years, they probably don't want to do that.

I think you need to talk to the children, ask how they find the 2 week shift - it must be very disruptive for them.

It makes sense that you’re reluctant to move another relationship to Yorkshire since it didn’t end well last time. You’d have to do your damdest to find the positive in it throughout as it could easily fall apart since neither of you want it. And as I’m saying that, I’m not sure it will work.

@mansbeverhot - Perhaps some things are being lost in the noise. Because my current partner can handle it. But it obviously puts a strain on us. It would on anyone to be disrupted every 2 weeks. She is so supportive. She tries so hard to be here when she can.

And as for doing selfish stuff to be happy. No, you're right, not every thing i do should be about me. But I grew up with depressed parents... it's horrific. There has to be a balance. And right now, the balance is not working because the kids now spend 2 weeks with a sad dad who can be distant.

I try very hard not to let that happen and to mask it, but my kids aint stupid. They see right through it.
If anyone here has any respect for mental health, they would know you can't just turn that off. I don't care how Yorkshire you think you are

@MostlyBoastly - Yeah... :( Thank you. Even having someone tell me what i don't want to hear, but i know is probably true, is helpful.

@Nesssie - Thank you.
One of the kids has no intention of moving. Or travelling for 2 weeks at a time as it would be impossible to manage with school.
But they both really enjoy spending time here because it's far more chilled than the other house.
If I could wind back time, I'd have seperated while in sussex, and kept my kids there....

The kids find it disruptive, but because it's only a mile apart, and they have very comfortable spaces here at my house, they don't find it overly bad. They keep in touch with all their friends and social activities.

They dislike the relationship their parents have. My ex is so bitter i can't even say hello to her without being scowled at. It's not healthy for the kids.

@r1kd

Here is another take on this.

Hi I'm Sarah I am 12 and I am very sad. My Dad lives in Sussex and I only see him every other weekend. We all lived there for a while then my mum got ill so we moved back to Yorkshire and mum got better, we are happy in Yorkshire but Dad decided he preferred living in Sussex and working there so he left mum.

He lived in Sussex for a while and used to come up and be with me and my sister Lily for 2 weeks every month, but then he started saying it was too much and he didn't like coming here, (even though he comes to see me and Lily).

I think he prefers living in Sussex because he has a new Girlfriend and a fun life going out with his friends. He says he was getting Sad coming to Yorkshire to see us and missing his Girlfriend and he said that he would be happy living in Sussex with his girlfriend and seeing less of us would be good for his Mental Health. So now we only see him every other weekend and I miss him, Lily is really cross with him and says he has chosen his girlfriend over us. I get cross when she says that but secretly I think she is right.

Can the children not get a train down and stay with you in Sussex for the 2 weeks?

School terms it wouldn't work. It might occasionally in the holidays.

What do your daughters say, OP? They're old enough to have a voice here.

@Tinty - thank you.
May as well close the thread. Parental guilt trumps everything else.
I'll move back to yorkshire permenantly.
Sigh.

Are you paying for another property in Yorkshire?

@AutumnCrow
They are very sensible and i do talk to them. They're also very afraid to say what they really want in case it hurts someone. I can relate.
But i think ultimately they are ok with the current set-up and would probably prefer to stay with me for longer because it's a more comfortable environment. But they know their dad is sad. And they know it's not because of them. And they know i will be there for them. They are super understanding... They also absolutely adore my current partner.
I think i'm getting the sense that nothing matters other than the kids if i dont want to lose respect from my peers.... It's frustrating. Objectively and without societal pressures I think completely different about this stuff.... Perhaps that's why i don't fit in yorkshire anymore :( Traditions are too powerful

@MostalyBoastly yes :( almost my entire outgoings are to keep this place available & travel costs. Which is an item i barely touched on because it's fairly trivial in the scheme of things. but yes. it's financially locked me.

There's 3 options, keep it as it is, move to Yorkshire or visit Yorkshire less.
It's a hard decision to make, your kids are not going to want to see you less so unless you want to lose them then visiting less isnt an option.
So you either suck it up and make the most out of your situation or ask your girlfriend to move to Yorkshire.

Parental guilt shouldn't trump everything else... your actual children should

I don't think it's a great idea to ask them. They may be older children, but they are still children, and shouldn't be given the burden of choosing where you live especially when the associated emotions are so loaded. You need to make the adult decision by yourself and own it.

I would move to mars to spend 2 weeks with my kids, and j wouldn't be wallowing around in self pity feeling sorry for myself.

poor you! or poor kids having to see their dad be so miserable during the two weeks they see him.

It's not about parental guilt, why on earth would you let your daughters see how miserable you are because you can't be apart from your girlfriend for 2 weeks? Pretend if you have to for gods sake, enjoy your time with them they are your daughters. count down the 6 years or so until you no longer have to see them and you can stay with your girlfriend and friends yay.

It’s not trivial if it can go on the, ‘Pros of moving to Yorkshire’ list. There are some nice areas around there and you could get a really decent place. It needed be bleak - it’s not what you’d choose but that doesn’t mean it can’t also be really good. And when your kids are older, you wouldn’t ever regret it.

@r1kd

It is not parental guilt it is parental responsibility, you chose to have DC you have a responsibility to bring them up love them and look after them and make sure they grow up knowing you love them and that their welfare comes first.

Living 4 hours away and seeing them occasionally is not the same, even if you now have a nice happy life with your Girlfriend and going out with your friends.

Sorry did you just want me to say, Yes you stay in Sussex see them every so often when you have time for them, that will be plenty and as long as you are happy your DD's will be.

Nice story; but I don't think it works like that.

Also refer you back to your OP. You are massively privileged here. Don’t just say that as lip-service. Really think on that.

I feel I am being unfairly attacked.
I am a good parent and I have not abandoned my children. I help their mother out even though she despises me. I am flexible with every other aspect of my life in favour of my kids.
I am not looking for pitty. I am not looking for someone to tell me its ok to abandon my kids. I am not some moron dad who just wants to be shagging his new girlfriend instead of spending it with the kids.

Perhaps it's too complicated to even explain. Perhaps i'm stupid to think this was a good place to ask for observations. Perhaps i just need therapy.

Some of the feedback has been caring, constructive and still not agreeing with what I want. But i respect it. Others, i've just found quite upsetting at jumping to conclusions.

Bleeh.... this hans't helped :(

Why do you think moving to Yorkshire permanently is better than your current situation?

Have you asked your kids what they prefer - 2 weeks at each house, every other week or something else?

Your current situation will only last for 6 years which in terms of the rest of your life. If you are doing half your time in Yorkshire then that is only 3 years.

@MostlyBoastly - Believe me I do.
My selfish privilege has made me put off asking for help for too long.
I do not under estimate how much of a good thing i have with my flexible job and ability to afford to live in two places. PLEASE believe me.
But that doesn't stop mental health creeping in and chewing away at your personality... that, for me, is the killer.