Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

@Racecardriver -
"You are the one who chose to move away from your own children so the onus is on you to make it work."

Not strictly true. I moved back to Yorkshire against my wish. We were at home in Brighton. So were the kids. But i've accepted the responsibility for not saying no. But to me, I didn't move away from my kids. I just went back home, and they couldn't come with me.

I think this thread has definitely been helpful. Thanks everyone.
Still no concrete decision but definitely changed my perspective on some things, and reinforced others.

You definitely did move away from your kids. They weren’t given a choice - you were.

@r1kd sorry I just got that impression that you were happier and wanted to be there more ( but it's obviously hard to understand someone over txt ) I think you have to remember aswell your children are getting older now and as we know they do start to want to spend more time with friends than parents so whatever you decide on it will not be forever they may move away themselves / uni ECT may want to move closer to you. I would speak with your partner as she may be prepared to move or she may not be and i think you have to factor that in but I would try and keep at the front of your mind it isn't forever

There are probably thousands of lovely places to live between Sussex and your daughters’ home. Choose one of them, move there permanently and see if your partner would consider building a life there too.

20-30 minutes drive from your ex would seem ideal, but even 1-2 hours would make your life many times easier.

Sorry, but I think you need to have the self discipline not to let your daughters see ‘sad Dad’ in the two weeks that they are with you. You are missing your partner, yes, but you need to buck up and be totally available to them when you are with them. I say this with full personal experience of the self-discipline involved in that kind of compartmentalisation.

Maybe that’s actually part of the problem - it’s difficult to compartmentalise and play the part if you’re not doing it all the time. Maybe it’s too tough being those two very different people - in which case, month on/ month off would be even worse.

You moved away from your kids.
You left their mum when she was recovering from serious illness.

Are you seriously expecting us all to say, "Yeah mate, happy Dad means happy kids; just do what you need to be happy"?

You chose to bring children into the world. You need to be there for them. You need to suck it up and do your share.

@TinklyLittleLaugh -- Very presumptuous. I did no such thing.
The rest lacks the nuance of the rest of the thread. But thank you. I will always be there for my kids :-)

@MaybeDoctor - Yep. I am realising how little self discipline I have recently.

This has helped today though. A lot, in fact.

@r1kd I just want to say I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds really tough. Mental health is important and yes kids are a priority but if you have a break down that's ultimately bad for them. Something has to give and you can't see the wood for the trees.

I don't know what to suggest but people saying you're being selfish are not helpful and clearly not seeing the anguish quite apparent in your posts.

It’s worth bearing in mind that there are two parents affected here - it might suit you to drop your contact hours but how will that affect their mother? Is she not entitled to time to build her own life too?

@mansneverhot - of course she is entitled. I wish we could work together more to ensure everyone was getting what they wanted. But I feel like I'm having to work this out by myself.

I think the conclusion seems to be suck it up. If my relationship doesn't survive. So what.
I'm not happy about that. But I just can't have best of both worlds when children are involved who don't have the same freedom adults do.
I knew that really. But exploring that has been helpful.

I get the impression that the OP's happiness is much more important than that of his wife and kids. But he likes to think he's some kind of sensitive nice guy, so he's come on here wanting people to validate him acting like a selfish arse.

Nah, just one more deadbeat dad, moving on with his new and more exciting life, while his ex wife carries the load.

Pour me another one.

@TinklyLittleLaugh - If you read the thread you would see I am not "moving on with my exciting life" and my ex (not wife) is not "carrying the load"
We have equal custody which is a lot more than most fathers give. In some cases, not through their own choice.

I am far from a deadbeat dad, thank you.

Thing is, kids remember the emotional distance and the impact on their own emotional wellbeing. And the whining and sad sausage act.

And leaving their seriously ill mother. Who do you think helped pick up the pieces of the decision you made to leave?

When they have their own children, god help you. Chickens will be coming home to roost.

@Ophiophagus - Incorrect assumption. I was there throughout the entire illness.
I was there to help pick up the pieces. You have no idea the kind of support I provided and still do. You have no idea the turmoil that put all of us through. Not just their mother.

And when they have children, they'll be happy to include grandad too. We actually get along great. So if your only contribution is to just attack someone under assumptions you've made. shrug Thanks for giving me an opportunity to practice my writing.

Youll find out what i mean in a few years.

Good luck mate.

Given the ages of your DC, I'd say you're going to have to move back to Yorkshire for the next 6 years.

You won't ever get these years back, and if you were living there, you could have 50/50 custody with your ex.

And I'm being brutally honest here, if your relationship is strong enough with your new partner, you'll find a way. If not, it wasn't meant to be. You can't carry on trying to make everyone else happy and making yourself miserable in the process.

No. Your kids were in Yirksgire and you moved down south. You moved away from Yorkshire, therefore you moved away from your own children. Take some responsibility. You won’t be happy until you do. You are acting like a victim of (pretty ok) circumstance here. As a result you aren’t taking control of your life but rather wallowing in misery. If you take responsibility for the decisions you have made and do something about it then you won’t feel so powerless anymore. You seem to have come on here seeking validation but quite frankly you have it pretty fucking good. Trust me, I understand. I moved literally to the other side of the earth for my family and it’s hard. It’s hard leaving people behind. It’s hard adjusting to a new culture. It’s hard when you have no friends and know no one. But that’s a choice I made and it’s a choice I’m living with. I’m trying to integrate into British society. I am going out and making friends. I am trying to find a way to keep in touch with friends and family from my past. Except I have a different time zone and a 24hr flight to contend with. You get to spend two weeks at home each month. You have it really easy. Pull yourself together.

And when they have children, they'll be happy to include grandad too

None of know this, though, do we, in any family set up that has gone through divorce and distance. My own family kind of survived my parents' divorce for a while and then it all fell apart during the following decade.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. One of my sisters in particular was totally fucked up by my father's to-ing and fro-ing, even though she was very fond of his second wife. She thought he was her anchor, and he winched up and sailed.

Ignore the trolls OP. You are honestly asking for advice and you have opened up in your posts.

Is there (literally) a middle ground? Based on transport / roads etc, is there anywhere suitable you could live with your DP for an agreed time, say 5 years, where you could travel to Brighton and Yorkshire within reason? In return you promise your gf you will move to a palace in Brighton in 2024?!

Secondly, whatever your decision, I do urge you to have therapy and get that started ASAP, as you are right about MH being the most important thing you have.

OP this is Mumsnet where only women are allowed to leave an unhappy marriage. Men who do so are deadbeats who can do no right. You will get very little impartial advice here. Oh and your partner is by default a homewrecking slut even if you met her long after the breakup.

If you’re currently at 50/50, anything less than that is basically taking your own issues and dumping them on your ex. I have my DC basically all the time in term time - no weekends off, nothing. And often I have them half terms and some holiday weeks as well. And although I love them dearly that has a massive impact on my mental health and I can’t choose not to have them. Ever.

I have a partner I don’t see as much of as I’d like, I rarely get out to see friends, I go to bed early most nights just to keep myself afloat, I literally never ever get the chance to exercise...this isn’t woe is me, it’s saying yes, doing things to improve my mental health is important but only so far as it actually fits around my responsibilities.

My DP asked me, if you had time to do something just for you what would you do, and I couldn’t think of anything. Sleep? Just sit in peace for a bit? I count sitting in bed for an hour on MN as my time for myself. A bath. One episode of something.

This isn’t a moan and I’m happy with my life believe it or not! It’s just that fuck me you seem to have an absolute dream life from where I’m sitting.

@TheFifthKey - Thank you for a different perspective. It was really helpful.

I have made clear in my posts that I realise I am privileged and was prepared to be challenged about how good I may seem to have it. I do not take that for granted.

And you didn't come across as moaning. And I realise perhaps some of mine is.

While it is definitely not a dream life, there is a lot of personal sacrifice, but no more so than other people. Even if i'm more comfortable than others in some areas, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make things better so that we're happier.
But I am not really complaining about how bad I have it. Not at all.
I am just struggling a bit. And I kinda hoped for stories like yours. Thank you.