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Original poster

Disruptive life = unhappy dad

227 replies

r1kd · 31/01/2019 14:59

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

  • I have been separated for almost 2 years
  • We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
  • I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
  • It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
  • I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
  • My job is in the sussex
  • My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
  • My friends are in sussex
  • I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

  • We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
  • I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
  • I pick up the kids from their mums
  • I stay for 2 weeks
  • Often alone, without my new partner.
  • I drop them back at their mums
  • I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 16:43

@blackcat86 - Thank you. That must have been tough to get through.
For the record. My current partner is not (the other woman) either :-)
She's super cool. I'd love to have her in my kids life more.

OP posts:
MostlyBoastly · 31/01/2019 16:44

The strains you’re having in your relationship with you current partner - is it possible you’re attributing these to the wrong cause? Something you can change and therefore fix?

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 16:45

@Schmoobarb - One month on/off? maybe
Only school holidays and lots of weekends? maybe.
I am really not sure. I'm exploring this.

OP posts:
Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 16:47

@MostlyBoastly - Oh, absolutely. and after 18 months, it's only just recently become part of the issue every couple go through when they're trying to "settle".
We are working on those also.
And that will certainly make this easier.
But I've always been one to strive for the impossible and fall slightly short. Can't everyone be happy all the time and be cool and not stressed?

OP posts:
mansneverhot · 31/01/2019 16:48

Is there anywhere in Yorkshire you could see yourself being happier? Somewhere with more opportunities for a social life etc? E.g. if you moved from a more rural area to say, York, I'm sure your kids would be excited about the prospect of a city pad, and if they were closer than the living arrangements could be more flexible especially when the eldest is driving and the contact is more on their terms than yours.

MostlyBoastly · 31/01/2019 16:49

What I mean is, you might be trying to change the wrong things. You’re perhaps feeling protective of your Sussex life because you think you’re about to lose your partner?

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 16:50

@mansneverhot - Interestingly, that's not really an option I think about all that much.
It would mean changing arrangements as I would probably lose my flexibility with work, and maybe i can't do 50/50.
But maybe I can just be up the road a little bit. Instead of 2 cats and 6 hours in the car every 2 weeks.

Hmmm. Food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 16:52

@MostlyBoastly - Yeah. That is definitely the case. But I also do like that life. I like me when I'm there. I loved it when my kids were there with me.
Not just my partner. She's not my everything. But yeah. Tensions are high and it's having an impact on my decision making.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 31/01/2019 16:52

The way you talk about Yorkshire is bizarre. Traditions aren't too powerful there whatever that means. You're not too much of a maverick that the place can't handle you lol. I think you have issues rooted in the the negative time you spent there and going back there invokes the feelings. Unfortunately it's tied in with spending time with your daughters. You need to address it in counselling, your DD's will feel like a source of resentment. After all, they are the only reason you travel there. And look how miserable you are.
You aren't a victim of anything, this is the life you made for yourself. You don't need to keep mentioning how bitter your ex is. But the fact you do just demonstrates how deep rooted the problem with 'Yorkshire' is.

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 16:58

@BlancheM - I am a proud Yorkshireman. I didn't mean to come across as a Maverick. There is a family joke which perhaps slipped into the conversation.
Most of my time in Yorkshire has been nothing but a joy. Including the first 8 years of my relationship and children and family.

You're right to raise concern for my kids feeling like a source of resentment. I think about this all the time. and I work very hard to be present and there for them. I work hard to not speak ill of their mum, and to be as constructive as I can when I am inevitably involved with her relationship with the kids.

I also don't claim to be a victim. I am merely seeking chit chat advice off the internet and taking it for what it is. And for the most part, it has helped me navigate some of the feelings I had about it.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 31/01/2019 16:59

Why not do:
Weekend 1: you drive up Friday and have the girls from school til Monday am drop at school then come home.
Weekend 2: you stay at your home, they with mum.
Weekend 3: the girls train it down to you after school on Friday and you put them on the train late Sunday afternoon
Weekend 4: same as weekend 2.

Then school hols split 50 50 them coming to you and staying with their mum.

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:02

@TulipsInbloom1 - That's not so crazy.
Tough on the ol finances tho.
I really like to try and keep a home for them when I'm here. Perhaps my money is better spent getting them to my home in Sussex more....
Hmmm. Also food for thought...
Thank you.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 31/01/2019 17:03

Sell the house and weekend 1 do an air bnb.

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:05

@TulipsInbloom1 - HMMMMMMM... Strokes chin....
Interesting...

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 31/01/2019 17:08

Could even do air bnb anywhere nice the girls fancy.

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:08

@TulipsInbloom1 - The downside to that is I would miss the school stuff. As much as it pains me on a morning, I do like it.
Can't have everything, I know. Just thinking aloud.

OP posts:
Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:09

@TulipsInbloom1 - Yeah. That's a really nice idea.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 31/01/2019 17:09

Do Thursday to Tuesday on your weekendsup there the

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:11

@TulipsInbloom1 - It would also impact the kids social life.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 31/01/2019 17:25

With the current arrangement, how much of an opportunity are your daughters getting to build a relationship with your partner? I've only speed read the thread so I may have missed it but it doesn't seem like they're getting much time in her company at all, if any. I think that is a factor that you also have to consider, though it probably adds yet more complexities to your problem.

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:27

Yeah. Recently quite a lot. We spent the entirety of christmas & new year together. And prior to that it was very occasional weeks here and there.

It's not as much as I'd like. But it's a lot more than I have any right to expect. We try hard to get her up as much as we can, and get the kids to us. But logistically it's very tough. I'd turn vegan for an easier logistical solution.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 31/01/2019 17:34

It's not as much as I'd like. But it's a lot more than I have any right to expect.

We all have a right to happiness. you just have to find a balance that works for you, your kids and your partner. Compromises sometimes have to be made - that's life. Don't be a martyr though.

I'd turn vegan for an easier logistical solution.

Now you're being silly :) Nothing can be that bad.

Sleephead1 · 31/01/2019 17:38

you have 3 choices really you can stay as you are for the next few years , go to Yorkshire less and see the kids less ( to be honest i get the feeling this is the option you prefer ) or move to Yorkshire with your current partner if she will come. Only you can make the decision and obviously you are saying you have mental health difficulties perhaps you can get some help with this? but it seems sad that you are coming down to enjoy your time with your children and not actually enjoying it because of the situation.

Racecardriver · 31/01/2019 17:39

Well grow up and take control of your own mental health would be my advice. We all make sacrifices for our families. Quite frankly your sacrifice is only part time. If you can’t cope going two weeks without socialising then go out and make some friends in Yorkshire. You are the one who chose to move away from your own children so the onus is on you to make it work. The only alternatives you have are to move back full time or to disappoint your children.

Original poster
r1kd · 31/01/2019 17:41

@Sleephead1 - Exactly - except I don't prefer that option. Everything else is right. I want to see my kids #1. I just know I can't have it exactly as I want. And I'm open to compromising with myself.
Most people don't have the luxury of being able to do 50/50 custody anyway. I'm very very lucky. And if we didn't live in different cities. Ideally in a city I like. It'd pretty much be perfect.

OP posts:
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