Disruptive life = unhappy dad

[r1kd]

I need help. I’m privileged, and I should be grateful, but I’ve hit the lowest ever point. This is my sitch:

• I have been separated for almost 2 years
• We have 2 daughters aged 12 & 15
• I own a house in the Yorkshire which is where we tried to settle as a family. But failed.
• It is 1 hour away from anyone I know
• I feel like my home is in Sussex (300 miles away).
• My job is in the sussex
• My new partner is in sussex and we have a flat there
• My friends are in sussex
• I am incredibly unhappy with the disruption joint custody has

Our current custody arrangements are:

• We have 50/50 custody with some flexibility
• I travel 300 miles to my house in Yorkshire
• I pick up the kids from their mums
• I stay for 2 weeks
• Often alone, without my new partner.
• I drop them back at their mums
• I drive back to Sussex.

I then spend 2 weeks trying to re-adjust and get comfortable. And often I do. But then the next day I have to disrupt again.
It’s extremely stressful and upsetting because of the disruption it has to my friends, myself, my relationship, and not least of all, my kids. They also have to live in two homes, albeit in the same town, but I still understand their anxieties. I really dislike it in Yorkshire and can’t find the mental strength to try make that better.

Me and their mum do not get along. I want to, but she’s still very bitter about the breakup and is only negative when we talk.

Very recently my current partner and I have been having relationship troubles. And while not solely to do with this, it has had a huge impact on us. She’s incredibly supportive, but it obviously takes its toll on her too.
We both love our lives when we are together but we are not very good at being apart.

At the weekend just gone, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown at the thought of my relationship ending because of my past and it felt horrible. So I vowed to fix it.

I have to be happy for my kids to be happy too!!

And while that was a satisfying bit of honesty with myself, it made coming up with a solution that whole much more difficult. Making me happy isn’t easy, but I think I know what I need. But that has a profound effect on my kids and my ex-partner.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner in admitting to myself I have to get a grip on this to be happy. But I don’t know where to go next.
I am incredibly lucky that my job is flexible, in some ways I wish it wasn’t.

If I spend more time with my partner, I spend less time with my kids, and visa versa.
If I keep it as is, I will increasingly become more unhappy and my relationship is certain to end
I am afraid to ask my partner to move up north with me for the sake of my kids because we both love it in the south and that is our home. They are also not her kids, although she does love them.

I would love some observation, guidance, advice and criticism from anyone who may have had similar experiences.
I just want everyone to be happy, and if possible, keep hold of my incredibly loving and amazing relationship with my partner.

I don't normally advise this but I'd get some serious life coaching/counselling set up....

Normally I'm a great advocate for "solving the problem" but I'm not sure you are ready for that yet as you have two places and two bases which you can't see as changing.

I think this is more about mind set and a counselor could help you get to a point where you can decide the important bits of life, and/or be more accepting of a temporary transient lifestyle.

We are in similar circumstances (although DH and I are "in it together" and are not apart) but struggling to live in two places, backward and forward. Trying not to disrupt the kids too much, as they are sometimes with us and sometimes with grandparents...it's hard to achieve a settled mindset.

@Jackshouse, simply because it's the disruption which is the hardest part to deal with. Staying in one place for longer would make it feel more like home.
And saying its only 3 years isn't true. That's not how time works :(
6 years is a long time if you're ambitious and capable. I hope to be a very different person in 6 years time... and again 6 years after that... I dont want to be a regretful, depressed 40 year old in a stuck job because he got depressed for 6 years.

Even just writing that out has helped me...

But what can stop that in its tracks is a healthy dose of perspective. Many parents, especially single, do not have the luxury of deciding to live hundreds of miles away from their children because they prefer a different city. Most parents make decisions to stay in certain places because of schools and childcare and I guarantee most will tell you they have friends and interests in bigger, better places but it just isn’t possible so why dwell?

@tickingthebox thank you. I would love to find out more about your situation. Anyone or anything even resembling my own, would be great to hear about. It would defintely help me reframe it.
I am a very open minded and sensible person so I know I can change my outlook on this. But i am struggling to not feel like i'm in a super unique situation.

your mental health depends on you being with your girlfriend and friends?
That is what is sounds like.

@minesthecutest - it depends on me feeling fulfilled and happy.
When I moved to sussex, my opportunities opened up so wide that I felt i could do anything. I felt so positive and good for a very long time. That was a good state of mental health.

It's not as simple as my girlfriend and friends. I don't even know for sure if that's what's best for me. But what i do know is important, is my mental health.

still not agreeing with what I want

WHAT do you want?

Does it make you happy to spend time with your kids?

@r1kd

I'll be honest I'm struggling with it!

I think the only way to be is to embrace it, when in sussex you work hard, see your friends, in Yorkshire you chill and do family stuff. you almost have do develop a split personality.... I'm this in Sussex and that in Yorkshire.

I think from what you have said its the fact that "perfect" is if it were all together. But it can never be together so you need to work on making it work!

Not many parents are fulfilled professionally and socially - you sort of have to pick. That’s what I mean by privilege. You’ve got the luxury of basing your sense of self on all Jews factors that most mums forgot about a long time ago in order to cater for their kids.

These. Not Jews.

Believe me I understand that ones mental health is important I've struggled with mine for years but sometimes it's also about accepting that you have a responsibility and finding a balance.

My mental health would probably be mich better if I was free to do what I wanted however I chope to have dc and so I've sacrificed a lot of things I used to do and accepted the fact that most of my time (and money) needs to be spent on them.

sorry I'd you think people are being harsh however you come across as someone who would rather have the social life than the responsibility of children and you chose to have them.

My worry is that either being permanently in Sussex or Yorkshire would harm your mental health. If you stay in Sussex more often the fact that you see so much less of the children will have a negative impact, if you stay in Yorkshire more the impact on your relationship with you girlfriend and career will have a negative impact.

I think you need counselling, it may be that full time Yorkshire without an unhappy marriage will be settled enough for you, especially as your children get older and impose their own needs on how much time they spend with you.

Or it might be you stay in Sussex, you visit for monthly long weekends and see more of they children in the holidays.

Good luck, it's going to be difficult no matter what you do but you need to look after your mental health.

@MostlyBoastly - HAHA! That typo yanked me right out of my funk, thank you.
But more seriously, you're not strictly correct. I have a lot of colleagues and friends who are fulfilled professionally and socially. Me and my current partner were two of those.

And you're right. I have ultimate respect for all mums, especially single mums. So many men abuse this privilege without checking with anyone.
And that's why I'm doing my best to raise two raging feminists! And i'm doing a good job.

Dammit. Now I want to start a thread about that! and how not all mums are good influences on their daughters!
Ugh.

Back on track. your reply was profound. Thank you.

Do you have family and friends up north?

@rainflowerstar - Yeah. But you don't get to chose your family ;)
It's hard to stay in touch with friends. For a reason I don't have time to go into, we moved too far away from anyone we knew. It's a slog to see adults who I know.
Boo hoo. I have to drive... 1st world problems... I know.

But you and your current partner are in Sussex, far from the permanent residence of your children... And you concede that if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be fulfilled in those aspects, which is my original point.

Please don’t start a thread about how women aren’t raising feminists. If they’re not, it’s because they’ve swallowed enough misogyny to be perpetuating the same toxic attitudes as a number of men and you can hardly lay blame for that systemic poison at their door. Anyway, that’s another post.

@MoastlyBoastly - I re-read. And you said parent, not people.
You're probably right.
I have to pick.

@MostlyBoastly - You're right. I was trying to be silly and it was wrong. I also implied it was misandrist. But I don't think that.
I apologise.

The only thing that is going to make you and your partner happier though is cutting the time you have with your daughters, which sends the message to them that you’re putting yourself and your partner first.

I do feel for you as it sounds tough but I think if you want to maintain your relationship with your girls you’ll need to suck it up. As others have said it’s only a few years til they’re grown up.

As for your partner people have to cope with all sorts of less than ideal living/working arrangements. It’s really up to her to decide whether she’s able to put up with it

My now DH had a simlliar situation to you (No I'm not the OW, him and his ex have been broken up for over 10yrs). We live close to Sussex at the moment, ex used to live 2 hours away close to London. He wasn't happy and had the opportunity to move down where we are now with other family members. He took it and has built a great life for himself and his son. Yes he is further away but his son visits EOW and longer during holidays (5 days to a week usually at Xmas and either spring half term or summer). DSS is 15. He sees that his dad is happy, we have a lovely house, I get on well with him and he now has a baby sister. Splitting your life as you are won't work long term if you want to build a life with your new partner and provide stability for your children. Having the house is Yorkshire must be a huge financial strain and perhaps you could invest more in one property with plenty of space for the girls to visit.

Travel is an issue but DHs parents go to pick up DSS from school on the Friday after school and DH takes him home Sunday afternoon. If DHs parents aren't available then he will drive up after work.

@Schmoobarb - Not sure I agree with the totality of your first part.
Certainly not the only thing. But changing how and when I spend time with my kids could be an option. And a comprimise worth exploring.
I guess that's the crux of my initial post.
I'm certainly not saying - I must have more time in sussex to be happy.
Perhaps someone would say... Have you thought about this? ....
And I'd be... Hmmm. no... That's interesting.

I am passionate about the things that I love. My kids are literally #1 on that list.

But how can I maximise that time that I spend. One thing which hasn't been mentioned. Their mother would not lose out entirely by me adjusting when I spend time with my kids.
But because she won't engage, I have no idea what would work for her.
Hence the chopping and changing at the beginning. Was there anything that would make all 6 of us happy?

It’s hard to see though how you would maintain 50/50 if you were to spend more time in Sussex and less in Yorkshire?

I think you should move closer to your children. You can always make friends and still keep in touch with your old ones a few times a month by visiting them. Same with the new woman, go long distance. Your children are more important than her and I'm sure you can meet someone else once misbehave grown up if new gf doesn't like set up or you split.