Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Connie you seem very gung-ho in getting OP to leave his wife on the basis of only hearing one side of the story .

Just to add to some of the advice rather than repeat it but I think you need to be very clear in your own thoughts before you talk about your feelings

If you start a conversation about not wanting the pregnancy, and breakdown of trust, your DW may decide she's better off without you?

And that could mean you no longer get to decide to stay or go....

What I mean is trust is a 2 way thing and she may suddenly not trust you anymore if you raise all of these issues ...

Hi Nicki,

I have gotten rid of my selfish streak, or atleast I keep it in check. I did that with the arrival of baby #1.

I feel that your comment about growing up is completely unfair, we already have a child and guess what, I had to grow up. I completely changed my life to put my child first. Long gone are the nights out with the lads and doing what I want, I put my self second everytime when I'm with my son and wife.

I'm selfish because I don't want to do that anymore, with my son getting to school age it means that we will have the extra money to go away for weekends and to have a bit of a social life. We have no one who looks after our Son (due to our own family backgrounds) so we dont go out as a couple, we very rarely go out individually and we have no one to help out like other familys.

the thing about her saying on the phone 'oh he'll come round to it'
makes it sound as if the wife has painted the living room wall a colour he's not all that keen on, or put up a picture he doesnt like.
I would be furious if my partner got a dog without my consent let alone bringing a new person into the world for whom I was expected to sacrifice myself and worry about for the rest of my days.

I don't understand why NWM feels the need to admit that he is selfish,he isnt!
I dont see anything selfish about wanting to be the author of your own life

I'm a lone parent with no family close by and my dc both have ASD. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but I do think you come across as a bit whiny about the whole thing and not as though you want to work with your wife but against her! as though she's kind of an enemy.

Gator is so right about how to move forward, you should listen to her. But I do think that if you stay should read your wife the riot act ONCE at the very beginning, and tell her that he can't just stamp her foot and play God and get what she wants and that you are feeling under enormous pressure to hold everything together financially and her attitude which is that of a spoilt child isn't helping.

And then take a deep breath, put it behind you and move on, and never hold it over her again once the child is there.

I would be devastated
just as you see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, a possibility of getting a bit of your life back, wham, bam it's nose to the grindstone time again

I really don't think the OP's wife is going to agree to an abortion, do you?

Having gone to these lengths to get PG and stating that she is very happy about it, that seems very unlikely indeed.

Read her the riot act? She's not a teenager! Sit down and talk to her properly as equals, tell her your concerns and fears and work together. You say you like and love her and have a good relationship, build on that.

Hi Nicki,

So because of your situation anyone who is in a situation that isn't on the same level of yours and isn't happy is whiney?

You mention working against my wife, didn't she do that when she stopped taking the pill without my knowledge? And now is it upto me to come to terms and grow up about a massive breach of trust?

What about if she had cheated, would that be the same? I should just grow up and get over it?

as though she's kind of an enemy
But Niki, she has trapped him, isnt that what enemies do?

Well nicki, I'll leave DH for such a massive breach of trust tbh.
And what do you mean 'one side of the story'? We answer threads based in the evidence before us. If a woman posts that her husband keeps her short financially even though he earns well and she's really struggling, we don't post asking if she's sure she's never given him cause or run up massive debts in the marriage.
It's not for me to tell him to leave. Only he knows if she's crossed the line. I have also picked him up on where I think he's being unreasonable.

OP

Have you asked your wife how she reconciled coming off the pill with not wanting another child right now? Had she thought that as you have infrequent sex she'd probably be ok with the residual hormones for a month or two?

No I didn't say that. I just wanted to offer some perspective. Many people don't have family support or any other kind of support.

I just find your attitude towards "The Wife" incredibly negative. I wonder why your wife stopped the pill without telling you? Maybe she doesn't find you very approachable.

I thought that too Yonic.

For some women being on hormonal contraception is unbearable, personally it makes me physically and mentally ill. Maybe she thought it was a risk worth taking and it wasn't anything sly or underhand at all?

Nicki, I have 4 kids and a DH away mon-fri and no living family whatsoever on either side. I know it's hard.

But it's not her decision to take unilaterally. If she wanted to come off the pill then fine, her body her choice but there is no excuse for not discussing it with her husband.

Nicki whether he's approachable or not is not the point is it? she can't just make a decision to stop using BC and not tell him because he's not very approachable!

If she chose to come off the pill she should have replaced it with something else or given him the chance to do the job himself. Don't try to defend the indefensible. I know there is always an enormous urge to do this whenever a woman is criticised or found at fault by a man - we close ranks and rush to justify the woman's behaviour, clutching at straws to find explanations in the way we wouldn't for a man, but this is just indefensible.

To be honest I think your wife will be better off without you.

Oh and fwiw I don't think it's a bad thing that she told her friend you'd never leave her or your son and that you'd come round, what's she supposed to do droop around being ashamed and repentant? Maybe she's just getting on with it?

From my reading of this, I think she stopped the pill because it made her feel horrible and didn't for one moment think she'd become pregnant. I don't think she trapped you or did it with any malign intent, she's been careless and there's been a really difficult outcome for you OP, but I do not think this is reason to break up your family unless that's what you wanted anyway.

I think you need to 'man up' & not be so 'selfish'. If you really didn't want another child then wear a condom

I was in your dw's position 17 years ago. I desperately wanted a 2nd baby.(As an only child myself I had an almost obsessive desire for my ds not to be an only.) Dh didn't want another, hadn't enjoyed the baby stage with our first and was worried about money. Luckily for me (and ds2) dh eventually agreed and so I didn't ever reach the point of being tempted to trick him. But if dh had been as adamant as you were, I honestly can't say for sure I wouldn't have done what your dw has.

It would have been totally wrong. It would have betrayed dh's trust and I would have lived with guilt and regret for the rest of my life that I had created a dc through lies, but the biological natural desperate desire to have a baby can drive people to do things that morally they would condemn.

I'm not saying your dw has any more right to have a baby than you have to not have a baby. But I am saying, her drive to do this might be far more overwhelming than your reasonable, sensible reasons not to.

Does that thought make it easier to understand (if not trust) your dw's actions and move forward together?

So she stops taking the pill but doesn't expect to get pregnant, what so it's all okay

But OP is unreasonable for assuming his wife continued to take it, but he's an idiot for not wearing a condom

Seriously, it's fucked on here sometimes.

Amen to that Grays