Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Oh my.
What everybody else has said - most recently Fenella.

What IS your day job?

Invizicat, I felt that way after one child too. But if DH had been adamant I would have divorced him and had a second child with someone who wanted one not tricked him into having another. There is just no excuse. And why should he use condoms? His wife told him she was on the pill FFS! If DH had lied about his vasectomy and got me pregnant our marriage would be over. Without trust a marriage is nothing.

And can people stop telling a 28yr old man who has said he may want more children in the future that he should have had a vasectomy. It's ridiculous.

Sounds like a journo fishing for stories. What a bizarre post. If this is feel you should leave her for everyone's sake.

The OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here! Yes, OP you should've taken care of contraception, since you're the one that was so adamant that you didn't want a second DC and your DW had had an "accidental" pregnancy while on the pill once already. Personally, I'd have made damn sure that contraception was my area of responsibility following that debacle.

However, both of those horses have bolted. DS1 is here and DC2 is on the way. Can you ever trust her again? Well I don't think I could. And you clearly don't think she's a great mother either. Talk to her. Go to Relate for some marriage counselling, if you think that might help, but I think unless you can forgive her and be happy about this DC, regardless of how s/he was conceived then you're going to find it hard to stay. How far along is she?

OP, you need to set aside the pregnancy and the coming child for the moment. The issue right now is your marriage and your trust in your wife. And her 'trustability', as it were, after a very big deception. If you sincerely feel that you do not (and will not be able to) trust her, then your marriage is basically dead. Without trust, love cannot live. With out love, what's the point? I wouldn't stay in a trustless, loveless marriage, even for the sake of my children.

You may be able to rebuild trust with counseling if you BOTH agree to work on it. If either of you is not willing to work on rebuilding the relationship, then you may as well call time. You can be an excellent father whether you are married to the children's mother or not.

After reading the thread, I've changed my mind a bit on the contraception. If she did say she was taking the pill, you would have no reason not to trust her. To insist on wearing condoms would be telling her you don't trust her.

Bt you still sound like however this happened you will always hold it against her, and still sound like you want to leave her, if you are going to leave, surely better to let her know now, so she can decide if she wants to be a single parent of 1 or 2 children knowing you will leave her. And there is no option where she terminates and stays, as your marriage wouldn't work if you said you were leaving, then she terminated so not to be a single mum of 2, and if you then said oh I'll stay now, I don't think she'll say "ok darling"

Why do people keep asking if I'm a journalist or something? Has this never happened to anyone before?

I need to have a chat with her, she might not want to be with me if I don't trust her. It might not be my decision. If I stay it will with all my heart and I won't hold it against her.

My day job is sales.

It good to hear from other people and to get everyone's opinion even if they are a little less than glowing of myself.

The main issue going forward is definitely going to be trust.

Sold many hols today Op ??

Good luck with your talk.

Not many sold this week Scoop. My mind has been elsewhere

Well I'll buy a holiday if you can find me something!
I want a hotel complex thingy with lots for 4 very active kids to do. But I want connecting rooms rather than two rooms. Max budget 10k so maybe not expensive enough for what you do.

Or a hotel that is made up of 1/2/3 bed apartments.

Sorry for slight derail! Why as an industry is everything geared towards a max of 2 children? It's April and I've yet to book a summer holiday because I can't bloody gund anything.

Ok, ranty hijack over

I wouldn't blame you if you did decide to LTB(itch).

Good luck with your talk, hope things work out for you either way.

He doesn't sound like a journalist to me.

OP there are certain opinions you can't safely voice on MN. One of them is expressing a preference for a SAHP in the early years and a belief that this can be beneficial for very small children. FWIW I agree with you about that. Whether your DW does and how you negotiate it between you is a different matter.

As for the other stuff; calm down, it's done now. Take it slowly. You don't need to make big decisions about your marriage today.

Gosh, I really feel for you and think you've had a hard time here.

How many men leave birth control in their wives' hands? Quite a lot, I should think. They're married, he's supposed to be able to trust her.

I have been adamant about not having any more children (we have two) and my husband wanted more. Ultimately, I'm in control of that because I'm the owner of the uterus. I really feel for you, I would be desperately unhappy in your shoes.

Leave then. They deserve someone less selfish. And get a vasectomy, you can pay for one privately for about £400 so you don't have any more children rather than expect a woman to take responsibility for contraception.

He's only 27. How ridiculous to suggest he should have a vasectomy.

Grays, if that was aimed at me, i did not say it was okay.

I agree with PP that a key issue here is trust. OP hasn't answered yet as to what his wife thought was the plan but there's a difference emotionally between deliberately lying in order to get pregnant and thinking "oh, if we have sex just after my period it should be ok", say.

The outcome of this is likely to be a second baby. That's un changeable. So the focus for OP is really how he handles the trust situation and whether he believes it was a misunderstanding, a naïveté or a lie.

Why is a vasectomy ridiculous? He is adamant he wants no more kids.

Maybe in a few years I would've considered another child but at this moment in time I dont think that it is a fair a feasable option.

I would not go as far as some have done in their messages, but I think that there are certainly rights and wrongs on both sides and I think you are more than aware of where you may have gone wrong.

What I will say though is that marriage / partnership is all about compromise but unfortunately the subject of children is something that one is not able to compromise on. There is obviously a massive difference in your view to that of your wife, and if you have always been this vehement in your view about not wanting children, and you knew that she did want children (?) is she actually the right person for you?

You also didn't say in any of your opening letter that you love the bones of your wife which I think speaks volumes, just that you resented her for may be trapping you. May be I am missing the point, but....

Obviously we only have your side of the story to go on, but from what you say it sounds like she may be used to getting her own way all of the time hence your comment about the wedding and that this resentment has been building up over a number of years. You don't say how long you have been together.

The fact that you have gone through your relationship, got married and had a child with a second one in the pending file without communicating properly is worrying.

You don't necessarily have to be together to be a good father and it does sound like you are a good dad, but perhaps suggest that you both go for counselling before you make a final decision. It is not for everyone, but I have found it very helpful over the years and it certainly costs less than a divorce and maintenance payments. You both owe yourselves that.

The best of luck.

Nicky, he did say upthread somewhere that he might've wanted more kids in the future (though IMO that contradicts a bit his desire not to "start again" with nappies etc!)