Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Hi RadiatorValves,

My wife isn't a stay at home wife, she works. I have no objections to nursery, its good for the children to develop social skills. However, when the cost of nursery far far outweighs what is comming into the household then that is a receipe for disaster. Also, when the little lad starts school and the youngest is in nursery how can we afford for one of us to work 10 - 3/4 and still be able to pay nursery?

Wyrd that is very unfair indeed. He is telling us this:

He made it clear he wasn't read for another child yet or possibly ever, they are young and have financial pressures

His wife led him to believe she was on the pill

His wife stopped taking the pill without telling him in order to get PG. She tricked him, plain and simple in order to get her own way

Why should it be him that needs to grow up here?

Are we never going to be happy until all men just agree to roll over and do as they are told at all times without complaint or any notion of their own opinion counting for anything?

1. Take responsibility for your own contraception if you don't trust her;

1. Go and look at your calendar, it says 2015, not 1960, this may come as a shock to you so make sure you're sitting down first;

1. Analyse whether she'd be better off without you as you sound like a total douche bag to me.

Wow op I can't believe how many people are jumping down your throat on this thread. It sound to me like your wife has deceived you plain and simple. You need to decide whether you still want to be with her after that. I think the first thing you should do is sit her down and have an honest discussion about how her behaviour has made you feel and go from there. I don't agree with you views on childcare, however I certainly don't agree with getting pregnant deliberately behind your husbands back. How anyone can say it is your fault for not getting a vasectomy etc is beyond me. You should be able to trust your wife, she did not get pregnant by accident (which would have been different imho).

bloody hell - if you are in a committed relationship it is TOTALLY fine for one person to take control of the contraception. A wo/man should be able to trust their partner to be truthful about using it or not

This couple obviously had the chat about who was looking after it, and she said she would, and she didnt! why is this his fault?

This is the part of MN that i hate - a man is wrong wrong wrong if he thinks that his partner can/should be in control. He doesnt want to have a snip, she said she was taking the pill - but still he is in the wrong

I'm aware that is 2015, thats why men are portrayed as Devil Dogs who just use and abuse women and never give them any respect. I dont agree that we are, what has happened is a massive paradigm shift in which the first automatic repsonse is "Its the mans fault" no matter what.

As I said I'm not over concerned about what you think of me, my question is has anyone had any experience of this situation and how it would affect the children?

I think you need to tell your wife calmly and clearly how you feel about what she said to her friend, you need a 'clear the air' type of discussion about all the issues you have made in your posts otherwise this will just fester in the background.

Are you able to sit down and discuss this objectively eith your wife or do you think it would become emotional and over wrought?

If you were adamant about no children then there are steps you could have taken. You didn't. That said, if there has been any deception, then that is dishonest and I would be struggling with trust issues if I had been deceived by my spouse.

Your comments about childcare are offensive. I adore my DC and quite frankly dont want to spend as much time as possible with them. You also seem to require that of your DW but not apply that to yourself. Sexist. Also, a person's contribution to a marriage does not begin and end with their financial contribution. I say this as the main earner in my family. The contibutions we make are lots of things, including financial. The cost of childcare is a joint expense. On your logic, I too "pay" for my spouse to go to work. But it is a short term cost to ensure DH is happy and fulfilled, it is good for my DC and there is a long term benefit to DH maintaining his career alongside SAHD duties. You need to adjust your thinking on this.

But OP, you are where you are. You love your DS and enjoy spending time with him. You love your wife despite the trust issues. Maybe you can work through those if you want to.

You will love your next DC too. And IME DC2 is a lot easier to adjust to. Yes there will be additional financial pressure on you but you will manage. People do.

You need to think about where you are now and how you want to deal with the current situation. And if you don't want any more children, get the snip.

Yes, op it is all your fault, because we all know a woman can not be trusted to take birth control as per agreement with her spouse!

We are all waiting to trick a man in to parenthood...

Honestly are we really infantilising women now? Assuming that the op & his wife had the agreement that she would take care of contraception, then it isn't unreasonable for the op to trust her on that!

I've got a coil fitted, the kind I could easily take out without anyone knowing. We have 2 kids and DH is clear he doesn't want any more. Until recently, I've thought I did.

If he suddenly insisted on using condoms, I would probably think we were heading for divorce, because the only reason would be that he would suspect me of being capable of a deliberate act of major deceit with potentially massive consequences.

I can't understand why people would have kids and put them in full time childcare either - sounds mad to me. But then, I have done since they were 4 months old and am quite happy with that; possibly I fit mentally into my own special category.

I would forget the first pregnancy; that sounds massively unlikely. I would also think carefully before you talk to her about what her potential answers might be, and what implications they would have. If she admits she tricked you, hadn't realised the damage it could do etc - and apologises - could you work with that? If she is adamant she didn't and is not in the wrong, would you ever come to the point where you could believe her; or if you know you will always think she has lied, can you file it away and just deal with it?

You either leave, make custody/maintenance arrangements and try to keep things amicable because you will be ferrying kids back and forth between you for the next 18 years, and the younger one at least will never know any different,

you stay but harbour resentment and bring it up at every opportunity, creating a horrible atmosphere and sooner or later letting your kids know you didn't want them and it's your wife's fault they exist - which absolutely will affect them negatively,

or you say fuck it, I love my family and I'm going to put this behind me and move forward with my wife and children (and I am getting the snip booked asap whatever my wife has to say about it.)

Those are your three basic options. The only truly awful one for your kids is the second one.

You ask about how you'll both cope financially when the baby comes along. How will you cope if you split and two households need to be run? Plus however much money will be spent on your divorce.

Is an abortion really out of the question? Have you had a proper talk about that? From what you say it sounds like your wife is on cloud nine, which is surprising given your thoughts. Have you been bottling all this up?

How it affects the children is down to how you deal with it. If you keep on trying to be a good Dad, how would the children suffer?

You and your wife will have to sort your issues out but you have choices. Either leave or stay.

I have some personal experience of this. It has worked out in my case, but it can be a rocky road. If you are personally committed to remaining a good parent then it won't affect the children. My experience is that the reality of a child can often win the heart of a reluctant parent. But that is my experience and shouldn't be taken as being a reason to proceed.

Unexpected pregnancy can be a massive shock to both parents. You only found out about this on Monday, so give yourself some time tp adjust to the idea.

Make sure you book the vasectomy.

True AwesomeAlmonds If you want bulletproof contraception both parties should be protecting themselves - condom/pill, condom/uti, etc, these tend to be 100% effective, any one form of contraception is less than 100%. As I said earlier, my partner and I were using condoms, and using them properly. it failed!

Hi Awesome,

Believe it or not I know that nothing is a 100%, I know that might be a shock considering I'm living in the 60's but I'm well aware of it. But the chance of becoming pregnant significantly increases when contraception isn't used wouldn't you agree?

I guess I have bottled up quite a bit, but mainly the stress of work and financial demands of myself. I'm not sure I could go with a termination, we discussed that for the first child and luckily we didnt have to make that decision. But knowing what we could've lost really does put a different spin on things.

What about couples counselling? Worth a try?

NWM, imo your views on childcare (and anything else for that matter) are besides the point
you've been stitched up and I think your wife is selfish and feckless to conceive a child knowing that you dont want another one.

Being a parent has an enormous impact on every aspect of your life, it causes a massive amount of stress and worry, severely curtails your freedom and your finances.
It should be optional, not compulsory if that's not the life you want for yourself then it should not be foisted upon you.

Not to mention the unfairness to the child, two peoples lives have been hugely compromised so that she can get what she wants

You keep saying "I am selfish". Serious question, why don't you just stop being? It is a choice you know, not an unchangeable trait. You have awareness of so just stop it .

As for the pregnancy, no contraception is fool proof, if you have sex there's a chance of pregnancy, time to stop stropping about and just get on with it Peter Pan .

No , the op should def have been able to trust his wife. Trust is a cornerstone of marriage, surely ?

NWM, do you want to leave and are hesitating because you're worried about the children? If the answer is yes then I think you should leave. Children grow up happier and more well adjusted if their parents are apart but both fully involved than they do living with parents in a dysfunctional relationship full of resentment.

You feel betrayed over the pill slip and now disrespected over the conversation she had with her friend. And to top it all, your sex drives seem incompatible. Either you need to seek out couples counselling or you need to divorce. But divorce doesn't mean you're a bad father or that your children will grow up disfunctional.

Awesome,

Perhaps I didnt make it clear enough, I couldn't ask her to undergo a termination. It would be completely unfair, and likewise, I dont think it is far to ask her to bring up the children on her own either.

You sound like you're looking for something to 'hold over her' forever, to be quite honest.

But you can separate and still be totally involved. Alternate weekends and 2 evenings a week is quite a common arrangement. So she wouldn't need to be on her own.

I'm at the responses here. Posters asking why the OP left contraception in "someone" else's hands. WTF? That "someone" is not a random fling, it is the OP's WIFE. I.e. a person he trusted 100% and who had accepted responsibility for contraception in the family. Isn't this the norm in many families?

Can't believe the prevailing view on MN is that although the DW deceived him, it's the OP's fault for trusting her .