Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

not all

Wow, you're getting a very hard time, unjustified

I think you are getting a rough ride here Nwm and I don't think it's justified!

If I was going to stop taking my pill for whatever reason, I would be sitting down with my husband to discuss what form of contraception we were going to use. It's not the type of thing I would just allude to in any random conversation in the hope my DH would take note!

It does sound to me like your DW has deliberately gotten pregnant. Massive shame really as it means all women get tarred with the same brush. My pregnancy was an accident (I was on the pill) and the number of people who asked me if I got pregnant on purpose is shocking! (No, I didn't, I didn't want children this early!!)

I think the situation would be a deal breaker for me. I'd want a full and frank conversation about the circumstances around the pregnancy (probably with a relate counsellor or someone similar) to see if this can be worked at.

I think you've been brave being honest on here and saying being a father doesn't come naturally- not many people would own up to that.

Good luck!

As an aside, if you do work through this you may find that it was the pill that accounted for her low sex drive. It's a very common side effect.

NorthWestMan, I think Psiipsina's post at 17.41 is worth you reading it gives very good advice and hopefully a way for you both to get through this together. All I would add is don't go in all hurt and defensive, talk it through calmly and objectively.

Op if this were a reverse situation and some bloke had not used contraception when he was responsible for it there is NO WAY anyone here would support him. However, they support your wife for reneging on a deal and bash you! That is because you are a man. it's that simple. it has nothing to do with the situation I'm afraid. Their replies were a foregone conclusion.
The usual bloody hypocrisy and men bashing on here dictates that a man will be in the wrong whatever happens.
Your wife was responsible if that was the agreed method of contraception she agreed to it she was responsible for using it properly, not you.

If she tricked you into 2 pregnancies then that is awful.
You are between a rock and a hard place.
I'm really sorry for the nasty ignorant posters on here. Not all women have such unpleasant attitudes Many just want a fight. It's that simple.Take no notice.

Bigbuttons, plenty of posters on here, myself included have posted to say that the ops wife was wrong and that her actions were a massive abuse of trust. Don't make out that the entire thread is telling him it's all his fault.

LOL at this thread turning into a holiday advice forum in between discussing the OP's predicament.

Voyage and Bigbuttons, I agree that there have been some very unfair and unjustifiably harsh posts on this thread but not all of them have been like that.
There have also been a good many responses that show sympathy to the plight of the OP...have there not?

I'm not sure what the overall balance is but many threads on MN attract diverse responses where various angles are discussed and the various positions are examined.
Some responses are thoughtful, some are knee jerk, I presume the OP was prepared for that kind of outcome but felt he might be able to get some useful insights.
Or has he found it all a waste of typing energies?

You say 'my day job is sales'. What's your night job then? Stripper or superhero?

You've had a tough ride here. You sound like a caring guy. At first, it sounded like you didn't think your wife was a good mum. Is that the case? Do you think she will cope well?

Someone said up thread that a 25 yr old woman and 28 yr old mans hours be having loads of sex. Ignore that. DP and I rarely have sex, probably similar to you and we are 27 and 28. Kids do that to you.

So what are you going to say to her during your big talk?

I think a lot of posters are going by your first post. Because you say in there about not wanting any more children, rather than adding a "yet". So, if you didn't want any more, a vasectomy would be a reasonable response. If it was "not yet", then obviously not. Which is it? And are you as fuzzy with your wife?

Do you actually know she's deceived you? I'm not really clear on that. Seems like you were playing with fire to be with someone who wanted kids and relying on them for contraception. Same in all permutations. I know it sounds cold, but pragmatism says that if you feel strongly about something over which you have control, then you exercise that control.

She didn't steal your sperm, it just wasn't prevented from fertilising her egg. If you prefer to go bareback without breaking that mechanism at source, pregnancy can result. You're the one who felt most strongly and your wife told you that the pill didn't agree with her. You should have already suggested alternative arrangements - why didn't you?

I think well more than half of posters haven't "bashed" the OP. And some of the snippy responses were re his comments on childcare and nursery dumping.

MN threads often have diverse opinions on them, Mn having thousands of members.

It was me who mentioned sex but mainly because the op was saying she didn't want it and he didn't want to pressurise her. I think that's a problem in a marriage. It's fine if neither of you ever want to have sex but a mismatched sex drive can cause resentment. And whilst I agree that not all 25yr olds want to have regular sex I still believe the majority do. But then we didn't have kids until mid 30s so maybe Im wrong. At 25 we often stayed in bed all day Sunday having sex, watching tv and eating crap.

Hmmm we stay in bed/on sofas all Sunday watching tv and eating crap but no sex I want to. He doesn't. It can cause resentment. I can cause big issues but it's not always the case

So what are you saying Voyage, you want us women to clear off and leave you guys to chat amongst yourselves?
(that would make it a pretty short thread though...)?

There are lots of forums on the internet. If you wanted one that was bloke heavy you could randomly choose almost any of them and be pretty certain men would be in the majority. Forgive me for not apologising for this one being primarily female and the opinions being commensurate with that population.

I think what your dw has done is reprehensible. Anyone saying the hormonal drive in women is strong is like saying men cannot help 'needing' sex. It's bollocks. Want and need are not the same.

I do know someone this happened to. He loves his kids. They are fine. He had a vasectomy. But years later he is still pissed off with her because bottom line she was dishonest. Yes he lived up to his responsibility because he chose to have sex and they were his kids but a marriage is a partnership. One party should not make unilateral decisions.

As for what you should do- you are articulate on here about your finances etc. Go discuss it with her and ask what joint plans you are going to make that will finance baby 2 and still allow both of you to have time with your kids. And while you're at it discuss post birth contraception, if the pill disagrees with her you will need an alternative. She has made this decision she needs to take part in working out how this works for both of you.

She is not default child carer. Perhaps you could both work pt. Perhaps she could get a better paying job. You need to sort all this out between you so you do not end up feeling like you are there to provide sperm and cash. This is as much about changing the way you see things as her.

sweet i don't think that being a woman means you have to agree with someone being duplicitous just because they are also a woman.l

Mink I'm not directing my comments to the OP, more to his supporters!

It is really really good she works. Even if you feel you subsidise that as her half of the child care bill is more than her salary (is it?) longer term it means she can support the children. I always worked full time and we have five - the best women do. you are lucky to have her.

If you didn't want a child you should have had the snip or not had sex or used a condom.

Did you agree before you married you would never have children and did you tell her parents that? It is quite rare that anyone would marry you if you had made that clear.

I think from the OP, they married after having a child.

OP has also said he was clear about nit wanting 2.

That said OP, despite the fact that I do not agree with what she did, I think you might find having two kids easier than one. They entertain each other. And double the love, double the hugs.

I always worked full time and we have five - the best women do

The "best women" do what? Work full time? Or have five DC?