Would you read a novel that started off like this?

[DameIfYouDo]

The pain was excruciating but the humiliation was worse. My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him if he could focus it on me.

I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad arrived home from work. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying as she was hovering; listening - all powerful, totally in control. I guess he knew why I was crying.

I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit on his knee that day, so I choked down my dinner. I don't recall what dinner was. It might have been nice.

The following day I woke up and was driven to school by my mother. Every stride up to the school gates was painful and a reminder that I was different.

I had been doing handstands the previous day with a short pleated skirt. In front of the boys. That was the mortal sin. I had done it in front of the boys. Showing off my knickers apparently. I was 8. I still remember what the items of clothing were but not what that dinner had been. I hid those clothes in my wardrobe and they were never worn again. In my innocence I thought they were at fault. They were now the reason for the beating; my clothes.

No way ... I despise misery fiction. I think it's basically pornographic and can't understand why it's socially acceptable. I got to the bit about not sitting on his knee and find it quite distressing.

This is my first attempt at writing a novel, so half of what you are saying to me is washing right over my head. I'll read back slowly lol. I don't have a degree in English. I don't have a degree in anything. I do read though and when I go to the library I tend to read the synopsis on the cover and the first paragraph. I'm guessing this was a bit crap and I'm a bit crap for thinking I should write chronologically. A sign of my inexperience I suppose. Anyway, I am appreciating all the feedback - genuinely. You can't buy this sort of criticism.

Dame, Don’t worry too much - you’ll learn a great deal in the process.

Actually, you can buy this kind of feedback - developmental editing 🙂.

You have had some good feedback here, so stick with it. You definitely don’t need a degree, but you could spend a bit of time analysing what you think works well in other books. I would say that though - my skills are critical rather than creative!

I really hate this kind of abuse/misery stuff too. I really don't understand why people want to read it but I guess it floats some people's boat.

For what it's worth I thought it was obvious that it was the mother that had beaten the child reading that first OP.
I wouldn't carry on reading past that first bit if that was the opening chapter. Way too harrowing.

Have you considered writing short stories? There’s lots of advice about short story writing available, much of it for free, and I think it might help to develop a voice and to get to grips with structure, characterisation and narrative arc.

I’m not a published writer, by the way.

I would! I decided after the first line it would be something I'd read.
The only word I didn't like was apparently
showing off my knickers apparently

As Valenta said, "told on me" works because it's a child point of view, that's how a child would word it, "apparently" isn't language an 8 year old would use. If they were told off for something they'd say (for example) "for showing off my knickers" whether that was their intent or not, so I don't think it's necessary to add that to the end of the sentence.

Gripping though, I like it

Bookworm's reworking of the narrative is really good (you can see it comes from an expert professional).

If you look at the difference between I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating (telling, explaining) and my body stiff from being forced to sit in the same position for hours (showing what has happened by describing the physical sensations of the narrator) that's a great starting point.

You don’t need a degree in anything, Dame. What yo do need to do is to read huge amounts in the genre you want to write in, as a minimum. Look at how various authors open their narratives, and which ones make you want to read on, what techniques they use to make the characters original and believable.

Bookworm2 That's the thing. I don't want to explicitly state that it's the mother who did it. I want the reader to figure that out for themselves and disbelieve it at first. I will build up her character too as a victim of something else. Basically, all characters have been victims in different ways which has lead to how they conduct themselves. It's an exploration of that and how the main character manages to triumph anyway.

I can see what you're trying to achieve, but I'm not sure in this day and age readers will disbelieve that a mother is capable of harming her child. We read about it in the papers all the time. If that's your big reveal, I think it's going to fall short.

Well, then rework Bookworm’s suggested rewrite. The mother just attracts the father’s attention as soon as he comes home, by doing something, and the point of view character knows that’s the signal for her to disappear, before he can register the beating. That doesn’t explicitly finger the mother.

I don't want to explicitly state that it's the mother who did it. I want the reader to figure that out for themselves and disbelieve it at first.

Your setting will give you an uphill task here. If the narrator is an 8 year old, sitting in the kitchen, most people's first thought would be that one of her parents had inflicted the corporal punishment; and in an abuse setting, it's just as likely to be the mum as the dad.

I think you'd only get the disbelief if there'd been significant narrative preceding this event that made it unlikely - e.g. if, in the narrator's present, the mum seemed like the last person in the world to have ever hit her children.

No.

Misery doesn't sell these days. However, that doesn't mean you can't write a perfectly good book if you feel like it.

If you want to spend half your wordcount on how the character feels (please don't) at least redo the bits that describe feelings and illustrate them instead.

so 'The pain was excruciating but the humiliation was worse.'

it turns out the character has been beaten on the bum, so

'Sitting at the kitchen table hurt. Really hurt. i couldn't tell what i was eating'

is better.

Now engage the reader by not over-explaining:

So ' My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him if he could focus it on me. '

is too long: so

'My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him.' adds a touch of mystery, pulling the reader in.

Your reader only finds out what happened at the end of the section, which takes you back in time, and I had to read it twice to work out where we were going and when.

Keep it simple - a straight ie linear timeline works best.

I suggest you write down what you want, then leave it for a good week before going back with a nice sharp red pen.

Who's the villain? Mummy or Daddy or both? Fine not to clarify at this stage, but separate their characters.

Bookworm sorry, sweet, I didn't read you before I piled in. Editors, huh :)

I think misery porn does try to be triumph over adversity, though.

It is quite cliched (sorry) - I think it would be worth reading some other key titles. Try Eleanor Oliphant, as I think that is similar to what you're trying to do.

bookworm has it. More show less tell exactly.

LanaorAna2 Great minds and all that!

I see what you’re aiming at Dame, but if this is a purely fictional work that’s intended to capture the reader’s interest quickly but leave central facts hanging, to be unfolded over the course of the book, I think you need to start in a different place.

As PPs have said, it appears to be a common or garden parental cruelty story. Which will be mum or dad.

Ok. Thank you so much for the fabulous advice. I expected one or two responses saying it was shite lol, so I'm very grateful for the constructive advice that you have taken the time to share.

I shouldn't have this as an opening chapter, I need to build up the character first.

Apparently. I used this word as the child had not been trying to show off her knickers, but it was apparent to the mother that she had.

I disagree with Bookworms narrative being what I want to achieve. It's very descriptive and almost lyrical. My style of writing would not be that. The rest of the book is not descriptive. It's maybe a harsh style of writing.

The paragraphs posted here suggest the novel as misery. It's not, so I need to switch paragraphs and chapters around.

Writing is choppy. Writing is a theme called misery. Not popular. I genuinely did not know that theme. I've never read a similar book. I usually read detective thrillers.

I'm writing in the wrong person. I will consider how I can rewrite in the third person

To the one person who said "I want to read more" - can I kiss you?!'

Thanks so much for all the criticism. None of your criticism was nasty and all of it was constructive. I didn't expect that. In fact I didn't expect anyone would respond to this thread! So thank you all. I'm very grateful.

It's fairly obvious it's the mother. You mention the Dad just getting home. And a "she" that is watching and is all powerful. Then in the next few paragraphs mention the mother.

I suck at writing but if I wanted to cause confusion, I'd put both parents in the settings,maybe involve the school as well with a phone call or something.

The pain was excruciating but the humiliation was worse. My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him if he could focus it on me and school rang home anyways. He just got there first.

I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad entered the room. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table for so long that I couldn't tell anymore if the pain was from the beating or sitting there. There wasn't much I could say, so I just sat quietly,shoulders shaking under my mother's watchful and disapproving eyes. She had my brother's confession. He had answered the phone.

I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit on his knee that day, so I choked down my dinner. I don't recall what dinner was. It might have been nice.

The following day I woke up and was driven to school by my mother. Every stride up to the school gates was painful and a reminder that I was different and it had all started there.

OP, the ability to be edited is the hallmark of any good writer, and every great one.

Congratulations on successfully passing stage 1.

Carry on - it can often take five goes to get a book you like yourself and that will work in the market. Let us know how it goes.

Genre aside, I’m afraid the writing isn’t if a high enough standard for me. I was proof-reading, editing as I read.

Sorry, I don’t want to put you off writing. Input like Lanaor’s abive is really good for this. In your shoes I would do the best I could then send it to an editor. There’s certainly a story in there, and misery lit does still have an audience.

If you want this to be a triumph-over-disaster story, you need to hint at optimism, perhaps in your tone, perhaps by introducing some levity to the content.

Finally, if this isn’t your personal experience, I’d be very, very wary. This is a difficult thing to address. You really don’t want to offend or insult, however unintentionally, through ignorance.

I think alluding to the beating vaguely, rather than outright saying it, might be good. I prefer understated than over and it builds more intrigue.

I love the “it might have been nice” comment about dinner. That’s clever.

I disagree with Bookworms narrative being what I want to achieve. It's very descriptive and almost lyrical. My style of writing would not be that. The rest of the book is not descriptive. It's maybe a harsh style of writing.

Of course you don't have to write like my example – it was just an example. But I should point out that what I wrote really wasn't 'very descriptive and almost lyrical', trust me! I think you'd struggle to get a book deal - assuming that's your aim - if the entire book is as sparse as that opening chapter and contains no description. It's too manual-like.

You really should read some books that are similar to what you want to write before you proceed.

Ah it's just a pipe dream. I'm never going to be a writer. It has been interesting having it critiqued. I write when I'm bored and can't leave the house. I am not an aspiring writer.