Irish mn'ers, how much can you relate to UK mumsnetters?

[Anotherdayanotherdollar]

I read a lot of different threads on here, and recently I have come across so many issues/practices that I think just don't happen in Ireland. Now, I could be completely off the mark here, obviously there's local/cultural differences everywhere!

I don't know any parents who attend childrens birthday parties with their children (unless family etc),

I'm not aware of any dads who work "compressed hours" to care for their children. Although I know a lot of parents who work opposite shifts I suppose.

Funerals and the culture and practices surrounding death are all very different.

I don't have an abundance of parks/softplay/childrens activities nearby. If I did I'm sure they'd be too expensive to just pop in after school etc. 2 within 40 mins drive of me are €8-10 per hr.

Most children just go to their local school (baptism barrier dependent)

New mums here all seem to be inundated with visitors in hospital after their babies are born. I've never come across a new mum who isn't having visitors for the first week/fortnight etc so that they can bond.

Just a few examples there. So, are these typical observations of Irish people? Or just where I live/work? I know that local amenities are dependent on funding etc but it just seems that despite our close proximity to the UK there are big differences in day to day life.
I hope that all comes across ok. I'm just curious really.

Also, when somebody dies (probably not so much in Dublin and major urban areas), the whole community might be involved. Usually a couple of local men would throw on some high-vis vests and direct traffic/park cars (often in a neighbours field!). When my granny died some neighbours called to remove and store her furniture from the room that she was laid out in so that there was space for mourners etc. Someone else brought spare chairs, lots of people bring food. Many organisations that had any sort of link (via grandkids/in-laws etc) came out to do a guard of honour. Shops close their doors/ shutters as the hearse passes by, cars pull over and stop the engine running. Its quite nice that people are nice.

We also have this: www.rip.ie

I have to say that I find English people tend not to ask personal questions unless you know them well, whereas Irish people will ask your life story and get as much info out of you as they can, then when you ask the same questions in response they shut down, unless you go on to get to know them well. I have spoken to a fair few people about this and they have noticed the same.

Oh I thought of something else. We regularly visit friends in englan d and when socialising with their friends we are always asked what we work at. We never get asked that in Ireland. People meet in a group situation and just chat but no one really cares what your job is

We had a humanist celebrant not a priest or minister. The wait was putely becasue of when the next slot was at the crem. DH is from the contryisde and they have burials. As long as you lateady have a lair it's much faster.

Re the respect thing. At my DMs funeral we had the hearse and then 4 funeral cars and then we (DH, DSs and I) travelled in our black estate car at the back. It was obvious we were part of the cortege though. Occupants all in black and car all pristine. We still had knobs trying to squeeze in between the cortege and us on the way to the crem. never seen the like, times have definitely changed. Older people still stopped and stood respectfully as we passed though.

Have lived in England and Ireland and used think the Irish attitude to death was healthier until my Ddad died last year. Funeral felt like a circus, felt so exposed and vulnerable with all the public grieving. Took my dd4 9 months to recover from the trauma. Harder when you are on the receiving end.

Otherwise find the English school system very oppressive and competitive. But in comparison the whole catholic school system in Ireland feels antiquated and not fit for purpose anymore. Hours spent indoctrinating kids and all the competitive communion/confirmation shite!

I'm fortunate enough to never have lost anyone too close - and have only attended four (I think?) funerals. I am completely bemused how anybody is ready to bury someone after three days. I don't mean the organisational bit I mean... I don't think after three days I would have accepted it or really believe they were gone. There is no way I could put someone I loved in the ground and say a final goodbye to them when I was still in the denial phase. And if I had to; I think I'd be really angry, when I later came to a place of acceptance, that I was robbed of my goodbye because I wasn't ready for it.

And the thought of coping with all and sundry - people I had never met - people who didn't even know my loved one coming to the house and offering condolences, and having to be polite to them and chat to them about it... I just couldn't do it, I know I couldn't.

The funerals I've been to, immediate family gathered at the house beforehand, then there was the funeral procession, service and finally tea and sandwiches at the church hall. They were all about a week after the death - so a bit more time for the bereaved to get their head around it, and it was nice and low key. A good send off for the person, but not too much strain for the bereaved.

I think balance is the most important thing. After all it really really doesn't matter to the dead person. Funerals are for the people left behind - so they shouldn't have to conform to standards or traditions or anything - because it should be whatever is easiest on, and best for, the bereaved.

No one goes to funerals of people they don't know/have no connection to -unless they're local politicians

Threads on Mumsnet I usually avoid because I simply don't understand them, would be 1) school selection/exams/endless assessments and marking and 2) anything to do with benefits or tax credits. Both seem needlessly complicated compared to the situation in Ireland.

Lived in Ireland for 15 years and noticed quite a few differences.
Yes - to the whole death thing.
It took me about six years to learn to offer again if someone said at first that they didn't want a cup of tea - poor people went away parched from my house.
I used to think 'How are you?' was a genuine question rather than just 'hello'.
Irish schools set far more homework.
I have to say that we all went to the birthday parties that were at soft play centres, but not at peoples' homes. It was a rural area though, so transport was always an issue.
I don't know how anyone has taken exception to this thread. It seems completely non-judgemental of either culture. There are just differences - that's all.

I think balance is the key. Two weeks (and a bit) for me was too long. I'd have liked to have had the funeral before I returned to work whereas I came back and still had it hanging over me as I felt it was too long to be off. It felt like someone ripping the scab of a half healed injury. I think about a week is perfect. Enough time to come to terms with the aftermath but not so long that it's hanging over like a cloud stopping you trying to move on and accept things.

Everyone deals with things differently and being bereaved is a very personal thing.

I attended a Jewish funeral where the deceased died early morning and was buried before sunset that same day. It was the Passover and the rabbi said there could be no sadness hanging over the them so they had to bury the person then go home and have their usual Passover celebration.

Now that's harsh.

Perhaps my family is unusual, but when my DGF died, he was laid out at home, with people coming to pay their respects. It was (as others have mentioned upthread) actually very helpful to me as a child to say goodbye to him like that- it didn't remove my grief, but allowed me to accept he'd gone. To me, it was my DGF, not a "dead body", not disgusting in any way. Entirely English family on his side, MMC and lmc.
But that's about the only person I know that has died.
I've been to one other funeral, of a (English!) colleague, and that was packed. She worked in a school though, and died young.

You say that Cherryblossom but at my gran's (very) traditional irish funeral, we were walking after the hearse though the town and this woman starting talking to us and ended up cadging a lift down to the graveyard (i.e. with my Dad, who was obviously a chief mourner). It was mental as it was clear she didn't know my gran but was just pretending to, we thought she might have been trying to get an invite to the meal after the funeral or something but who knows....

It was so weird, but others were sharing their stories about randomers who just liked attending funerals...

I am constantly bemused by a few things on here.

1. Bathing children every night. In Ireland this is considered absolute madness. I mean, stark raving nuts.

2. The education system, which seems to be designed to build as much stress and competitiveness in as possible from toddlers onward.

3. People seem really really not keen to have any family dependants other than their kids. Mothers, mother in laws, aunts, uncles..... In Ireland it's very unusual not to be helping somebody in your extended family. On MN people seem appalled at the idea.

4. People having long term partners and children (and a house) at like, 21 or 22. Vanishingly rare here. And not encouraged at all.

5. People moving in together and planning babies within a very short time of dating.

6. Doctors appointments. I can get a doctors appointment within 24 hrs. In the UK there seems to be a system where the receptionist decides whether the GP will see you, and it mightn't be for 2 wks!

7. The aforementioned funeral waiting lists. Bananas.

I am an English mnetter- could the Irish mnetters please explain how they manage to get funerals organised so quickly

It's a vast machine that swings into action literally within an hour of death. The undertaker does a lot of it, and he gets going that day. The priest does the rest and he comes to the house the next day to ask for your decisions.

Within a few hours of my mother's death the undertaker had instructed me to go into town to buy a high necked blouse for her. She was still warm in the bed and I was going shopping for her funeral. That's how quick it is.

When i brought my mum over for her sister's funeral in Cork, I was a bit unnerved by the open coffin-my late auntie's startling resemblance to my mum (as noticed by one of the grandchildren) only added to it.

My parents are Irish, although we were brought up in England. One of the things I've noticed is that graduates in Ireland seem more likely to move away from home or out of the country for a few years after graduating - is that usual in Ireland? My Irish cousins seem to be dotted all over the globe.

Death and funerals are such a normal part of life here (bring the family! there'll be cake!) that there's even a central website for funeral homes or families to put up death notices so everyone can find out about the funeral (rip.ie). It's really handy and I was surprised when I moved to the UK to discover there wasn't a British equivalent.

Sorry if I sound facetious but the Irish/British cultural attitudes really are poles apart on this issue. And I've been to Catholic funerals in England and secular funerals in Ireland that followed the country's usual norms so I really do think it's a cultural rather than a religious difference. To generalise hugely, I have found English funerals to be more solemn and formal than Irish ones. In Ireland, people usually don't dress in black to attend a funeral, children are welcome, and you will hear laughter and chat at the wake or after the burial. At the funerals I attended in England, practically everyone really was wearing black, children under 10-12 were kept at home as being too young for funerals, and it was serious faces and quiet voices all round.

I find Irish funerals more cathartic, and I have appreciated being kept busy in the days after the death of a close family member, but I suppose it's what you're used to. Every culture finds its own way of ritualising grief.

I've buried a parent. I liked the Irish approach, it's very family orientated and kicks into action very quickly. I'd hate to have the English approach to funerals. And I like the open coffins and lots of work colleagues, friends etc going to pay respects etc. The community aspect of it is lovely, being on the receiving end of it.

I'm not a fan of the ucas system but I'm sure there's many Irish who'd prefer it to the Leaving Cert.

The attitude to unexpected visitors from some English MNers cracks me up. I've never experienced that sort of attitude to it, it seems like people can feel it's disrespectful.

One of the things I've noticed is that graduates in Ireland seem more likely to move away from home or out of the country for a few years after graduating - is that usual in Ireland?

I suppose if you think of the history of Ireland, it's always been common for people to emigrate. Now they aren't doing it out of pure financial need (usually) of course. But I think the history of the country has something to do with it.

I'm Irish but I agree with some on the thread that the speed the body is put in to the ground is astonishing. There's no time to process it even on a very superficial level. If the person dies suddenly within 72 hours you can be trussed up in a respectable outfit to attend their funeral and it is just too shocking and too sudden and too quick.

I love how we celebrate death in Ireland. There really is no taboo surrounding dying. I've actually been to better funerals than I have weddings!

I also love how we can just sing the night away with a set of spoons and a banjo