How do people budget?

[TDSR26]

I’ll admit myself and my other half are both not great with money and have plunged into so much debt we’re drowning!
He’s currently working two jobs pretty much 7 days a week, I’m a TA so my earnings aren’t great but I do everything at home and I need to be there for the kids.
We try and budget each month but our money just seems to disappear and we’re often just cutting it fine by the end of the month or spent slightly over what we’ve earned.
We have three kids so everything is so expensive as a family of 5, they all do quite a few clubs outside of school so that does take up a chunk but they enjoy them and it’s good for socialising (some school friendships haven’t always been great). There always seems to be something they need / outgrown / for school, it just seems never ending!
I sell and buy so much on Vinted and I can’t even start on the food shop as that’s just ridiculous these days!
Neither of us socialise much with friends or go out together as we simply cannot afford too.
We hardly ever go out as a family to eat unless it’s an occasion i.e birthdays etc.
Day’s out are saved for school holidays, we haven’t been on holiday in two years and that was paid for by the in-laws as a gift.
We moved house four years ago and it’s so outdated and we’ve not had any spare money to do anything, not even the kids rooms!
It just feels like an endless cycle of just trying to get by and we’ve got to the point we’re both so miserable and stressed out!
How do people do it?! Any advice welcome 🤗

Yes I see what you mean and completely makes sense when you put it like that but I guess we pay off the clubs as smaller amounts where as an oven and a mattress are obviously 100’s and as we don’t have savings it’s the bigger things that end up on credit.
This right here is what we need to address and build up some sort of savings.

I find it so weird that people expect you to post your detailed income and outgoings here on the internet for everyone to scrutinise.

As if anyone in their right mind would be comfortable doing that.

DIL is very canny. She found a better mortgage deal so went with it.

Last week Lidl had big boxes of vegetables under £2 so bought one and batched cooked in a big pan made a few dishes and froze them. She makes shepherd's pies, lasagnas and when meat is on offer buys say a big bag of chicken thighs and batch cooks curries.

Batch cooking saves her precious time too.

For me, income, mortgage, council tax, insurance, etc are fixed in the medium term. So I dobt worry about them.

Electricity & heating I have some control over (eg turn thermostat down, have shorter showers, be mindful of using oven, hob, kettle, try and line dry clothes, wash full loads, etc).

Petrol I have a little control over- eg drive more efficiently and as little as realistic.

Food shopping I have lots of control over - buy porridge oats and a bag of sultanas, make lentil soup, look online for cheap recipes, figure out the cheapest options (eg frozen or fresh), limit treat foods, etc. Its by far the easiest way to make consistent, regular savings.

Try not to eat out for birthdays - if it costs you 120, five times a year, that's 600. Maybe takeaway instead?

Subscriptions... try and cancel everything or as much as possible. Kids activities cost me a fortune, drop whatever you can. HOWEVER, if you cut everything to the bare minimum it's hard to keep it up.

Then, the obvious DONT BUY ANYTHING - readjust your idea of "essential". Obviously basic soap, deodorant, shampoo, toothpaste, etc. But, do you need more than "one to wear, one in the wash"... you probably have that already, so does anyone actually NEED new top? House things - nope, don't buy anything until your debt is gone. Don't look for bargains, just don't buy it.

Personally, Id aim for discretionary spending to be ZERO until your most expensive debt is under control... thats "aim for" which wouldnt necessarilybe achieved. Obviously DC birthday gifts are essentials, and realistically you're not going to have no treats for 2 years. But for a few months it should be OK.

I don’t see why it would be so outlandish to post your outgoings and income on an anonymous forum when the whole issue in the OP was how they have been struggling with debt for years, are still going further into debt, OP and her DH are both incredibly stressed about the situation and they can’t really see how what could be improved.

Yep - good thing understood there OP.

My advice would be to talk with your DH and get yourselves onto the same page with your understanding of your finances, desire to get the debt down and that you will work together and are prepared together to make sacrifices to make it happen. This isn’t something you can do alone. It’s too much and unless you pull together it’s will be near impossible. You have to both start from scratch and re-assess everything.

A really useful thing would to be to see a debt advisor at a charity. You may think ‘we are not people who go to charities’ and ‘we sort ourselves out and don’t need outside help’ but that’s pride speaking. People who make most progress do take outside help. You’d be amazed at how debt advisors can help you make offers to your creditors and probably get some of your debt wiped off. They can be a huge help….but refusing to see one is a bit like an alcoholic refusing to go to AA. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but you have to recognise a problem AND seek help.

And again, it’s about challenging everything you do. It’s hard when you’ve lived a lifestyle beyond your means….but that’s effectively what you’re doing. That means accepting the lifestyle you’ve been having needs to change. It will need to change for the kids too. People often say ‘I do t mind sacrifices for myself but my kids can’t and won’t go without’ - well the reality is that of course you will feed and clothe them and they will be loved…but there will have to be changes for them. Not reality it probably means less presents at birthdays and Christmas, less clothes, smaller birthday parties or treats, far less extra curricular activities. The reality is you can’t afford those things.

Don’t buy stuff on instalment plans. Until the debt is cleared, if your mattress is a bit uncomfortable, you’ll just have to put up with it. It’s those monthly payments which mean you’ll have to forgo other stuff. You can never build up the pot of savings that will mean you can buy a new mattress or replace the washing machine, while such a big chunk of your monthly income goes on debt repayments and instalments. The key is to get from debt to surplus. It won’t be quick or easy. It will take time and be painful…but it is possible.

I will say lots of people DO manage to make the transition and never regret the sacrifices they had to make to get there for the peace of mind it brings. But lots aren’t prepared to make the short term sacrifices and change their lifestyles. They somehow believe that some of their spending which could be reduced or cut altogether needs to happen. They make excuses not to change….and the debt remains or gets bigger.

Sonin the end, you either go big on attacking it, or accept that a few tweaks won’t cut it or even touch the edges of it….and you’ll be in the same position as you are in 2 years time, or even worse. It sounds harsh and you’ve been cross with lots of posters who’ve said useful things to you…but you’ve decided they are being judgemental. Move beyond seeing it like that. Take the action points and act. Most of all! Get yourself and DH on same page and dealing with this together. The kids are old enough to understand too. It’s a family thing and your changed lifestyle will give you all a better long term future. Best wishes with it all.

The debts are the root of the problem. You need to be clever in where the money goes. Obviously you need to meet the minimum payment each month but that will not go far to clearing it all. If you are able to commit more than the total minimum payments each month put the extra to the debt with the highest interest or the smallest balance to clear.
Is your debt currently dropping with repayments or growing with interest? Do any of the debts, loans or paying up, have any limits on overpaying? Have you thought of step change or CAB if your local one offers a debt service. They might be able to get interest frozen.
Is there any chance of picking up temporary work in school holidays, something you could do in evenings?

This is the thing. People decide that their money situation is private and can’t be disclosed to anyone. It’s like alcoholics not wanting to admit they are alcoholics. But a key step is being willing to divulge it and seek help.

Here on MN we are strangers. It’s not like giving the info to people you know. People can give personally tailored advice when they have precise info. For OP to make serious progress, she and DH will really need to seek help from a debt advisor and give a detailed breakdown of debts and spending and income. You might not like the idea of that. Lots of people do t but it’s often the difference between turning things around and not.

It’s not about other people judging. You have to go beyond that and worrying about people saying negative things on MN. That doesn’t really matter does it…what matters is moving forward.

OP is at a bit of a cross roads. She can walk away from this chat feeling cross that people weren’t nice to her and didn’t just sympathise about the high COL. Or she can take the advice to scrutinise everything g and seek advice and change things. It won’t just happen by magic.

We also have 3 DC & are not on great wages. Was better but DH got made redundant & now his job pays half what it did. One of our DC, 14 year old DS2, is disabled & I have to have a job to fit around school hours, appointments etc. No real family support close by, although DS1 is 17 & will look after the others for the odd few hours. I can also take the DC to work with me, so don't have any childcare costs. Youngest DS is 12.

We do various things to stick to our budget & we still manage to have treats- 2/3 paid activities for each DC, holidays abroad each year, the odd meal out etc.

• Grocery shopping is £50-£60 per week, including cat food & cleaning products. I shop at Aldi at reductions time & we have 2-3 cheap meals per week - egg & chips, risotto, tomato pasta etc. Value brand everything. Cheap fruit & veg like apples, bananas, carrots unless reduced.

• DC never have school dinners. Packed lunches are so much cheaper.

• 90% of our clothes are secondhand. Either charity shop or hand-me-downs, I never say no if offered & pass a lot on when I'm finished. Have found a charity shop warehouse where clothes are £1 maximum & shop there.

• Furniture is also secondhand. Round here, people (including us!) leave items on the street for anybody to pick up.

• Holidays are abroad but cheap. Usually Eurocamp & we eat out once or twice while there. Or self catering & we spend hours searching for best deals.

• Meals out I always search for voucher code or use Clubcard points from petrol.

• Our 2 cars are both very old & DH does all repairs himself. We would never buy a car on finance as cannot afford hundreds of ££ per month. Most expensive car we have ever bought cost £2000.

• I sell lots on Vinted. Things I don't wear any more or that the DSes have outgrown & I can't pass on. Also toys, household items etc. Made over £800 last year, which pretty much paid for our summer holiday.

• I do paid surveys, can make around £10 per week without too much trying.

• We don't have paid TV except cheapest Netflix. Not music services or Xbox live etc.

• Entertainment in school holidays is usually country park, £1 cinema or just hanging out with friends. Last couple of birthday parties have just been sleepover with supermarket pizza, boys loved it.

So you cut the clubs/ subs and save it in an emergency fund instead.
Its so common,people just spending because its only £5/£10 and it accumulates into massive debts with nothing to show for it.
You really have to watch every penny

3 children is expensive and you have a low paid part time job, add the debt and you’re doing well to be able to afford the lifestyle you have. Could you pick up more work - evening babysitting? Child minder just covering the school holidays? I imagine a TA would be in great demand for these things and your kids might like having others round to play.

Hallo OP.
You must deal with the debt
Please go to Citizens Advice first.
They can negotiate with your lenders on your behalf.
Also they can advise on any other money that you are not currently claiming from the Government.

Friend the whole family had iPhones and tablets. The monthly bill was over £200 pcm. That shocked me.

I think the DCs activities are important and I wouldn’t look at cutting those back. It sounds like they get a lot out of them. I think it would be worth having a chat with a debt charity for advice. Also cut back on food spending - it’s tough but there is lots of good advice out there about how to eat cheaply.

I’d probably cut the clubs. I took time off work when I had 3 small kids and I couldn’t afford much at all, I thought v carefully about extras and I think only one of mine did a club (out of 3). Now I’m back at work things are so much easier. Good luck

My cut backs are no takeaways ever
no coffees waters etc
always take what I need with me
and now I am cooking everything from scratch,strictly no UPF
switched from cereals to porridge etc
and batch freeze everything I can so when busy or tired there’s a meal
also not using the heating, spending the winter in two sets of thermals under clothes at all times
oh and a heated throw in the evenings ,
now making my own bread and using air fryer
often
when I looked at my grocery bill
I realised a lot of it was just not necessary.
if it’s got a list of ingredients
im not buying it .
we have all been sold on what we eat how we live what our homes should look like
don’t even get me started on the cost of fake nails hair multiple make up hair
Products et cetera take a really good look at what you’re spending and you realise half the stuff you buy you actually don’t need eat fresh vegetables buy a chicken we make Our go for three meals one hot one cold one soup plenty of cabbages potatoes, onions pulses et cetera it’s doable the more you live like this some more environmentally advantageous it is anyway

Not cutting back on what is easily £200 pm if not more on clubs, when there’s a substantial amount of existing debt and current expenses mean continuing to climb further into debt would be actual insanity.

Yeah I have known people to work with CAP successfully. Very good reputation. Probably your best bet.
Plus batch cooking and freezing is good way to bring food bill down. Also is there a community grocery near you? One has just opened up beside us. Very good.

Step 1. Clear the debt by any means possible
Step 2. Make savings wherever you can
Step 3. Put away a small buffer fund

I know it's obvious, but food is really 7 x Breakfasts, Lunches & Dinners per week in essence. And both Breakfasts and lunches should be quite cheap.

Sometimes roasting a chicken for sandwich meat could be cheaper than buying packs of ham. Mix with sweetcorn or other veg. Buy thighs instead of breast & makes dishes where you use pieces so you don't need so much meat per person. Bulk mince meals out with beans, Pulses, veg etc.

Use seasonal veg. In lidl your £50 spend free veg is a 7.5kg bag of potatoes. Peruse the reduced sections - i got 11 Bananas for 38p and a giant box of fruit (12 apples, 5 oranges, 4 punnets grapes, blueberries etc, bag potatoes plus other bits) for £2 last week. Farmfoods is excellent for a lot of things, but the frozen fruit is 6 bags for £10. Then use the money off coupons they give you on top. Blue light card discounts etc.

You need to retrain and find a better paying job. Having three kids, relaxing part time TA job and no career whatsoever is not sustainable unless you have a husband with a high flying job earning way over 100k.

Sorry that’s the reality. COL is not going to get any better - this country is crippled by Brexit and Covid and world economy is going down the drain too, the Iran war is making COL worse now but there just no reasons to think even without it the world economy will improve.

If you’re a TA, can you also childmind after school? Some of the TAs at school combine the two, and offer holiday clubs providing extra childcare which can really boost earnings. They offer babysitting too.
Life is expensive. 3 kids are expensive and unfortunately you really need to up your income between you. If your DP reduces weekend work, can you get a weekend job instead?

So much focus on the kids clubs and it’s nowhere near £200 a month! That would be insane.
Both football clubs were paid off at the start of September, off the top of my head can’t remember exact figures but it’s around £90 for the year including all kits and extras as all sponsored. Guides is £12.50 a month, kickboxing £20 a month, cricket was £60 for the season and all kit still fits from last year and finally swimming is probably the most at around £80-£90 as term time only. Yes the swimming is expensive but we switched from the cheaper leisure centre as my son was getting nowhere he has now come on loads. I know we could take him swimming but we don’t always have the time and it wouldn’t be consistent enough and swimming is one thing I will not drop until ready as it’s a life skill.
if all added up it’s an average of £30 a month we’re spending on clubs but really most are already paid off.
Clubs are important to the kids and it’s good to socialise outside of school and make other friendship groups. Clubs have chopped and changed over the years and they helped my daughter massively with friendships.
This will all be for the next 4 months, two will be dropped soon enough and another by September.

Relaxing part time job?! A TA role is far from relaxing! That’s actually quite insulting to be fair!
Yes I do need a better paid job that has been made very clear and I am looking but likely again within a school as I need term time for at least another year or two.

Definitely contact your local CAP (Christian Against Poverty) for expert debt advice. They have been recomended by Martin Lewis too. I have family that have worked for them and it's a great organisation with no religious affliation necessary or pushed.
Also, as the 3rd and unplanned child of a family with not much money, please have a high five. We rock.