Barely affording to live and Christmas is making me ill

[Zombieof3]

Good evening all,

this is me just venting but if anyone has anything helpful to offer, I would be more than grateful to hear it. PLEASE NOTE: that I am not after any offers of money etc, and anything of the kind would be respectfully refused. I just don’t want to be alone with how I’m feeling

me and my partner work, I work forty hours whilst my partner does about 25 hours which actually works out financially better than when we were both working due to childcare costs for three kids. I’m actually so low at the moment, every month it’s such a struggle, the minute we have money it’s gone and I’m not even covering half of my priority bills. I’ve got a ridiculous amount of debt which I was previously paying off but since cost of living, I’m barely able to put food on the table. I’m working with stepchange but it’s quite a difficult process as I’m not even sure who half of the debt is with and they need everything to be a 100% accurate which involves me needing to ring around but I’m in work 9-5 and everywhere shuts after this. My two girls are desperately needing a new bed as their bunk bed is falling apart and I’m going to have to take it apart for their safety. Christmas is around the corner and I don’t know how to explain to my 13, 9 and 8 year old that I doubt there will be anything major to open. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m working my arse off for absolutely nothing, it’s killing me and I feel like such a waste of space. What’s the point in slogging in all day for nothing. We’ve never been abroad, we don’t live lavishly, I’ve cancelled all subscriptions. We do and have nothing. I’m just sad that I’m struggling to provide even the bare minimum.

Coming at this from the other angle: you feel
like you’re killing yourself at work for nothing.

Whats your job? Which elements are causing you to feel like this and what could you do to change that?

Are you over delivering?? Can you pull back a bit so it doesn’t feel so all consuming? Can you speak to managers to explain how you’re feeling and push back on some tasks? Ultimately, can you look for another job which feels less horrendous so although the money will still need careful managing, you can at least feel more balanced??

If your DH is stacking shelves during the day, ask where he works for more hours. It's coming up to Christmas and the hours are there for the taking. I have been 'back office' in Retail and at Christmas I'd jump on the shop floor for extra hours regularly!

I agree with the above poster too - why is your job causing these feelings? Is there anything you can do yo upskill (free online courses?) and gain a promotion?

Hope you can sort it x

Realistically though a 13, 9 and 8 year old arent going to find going to church and glancing at some lights exciting. Or walking around a market aimlessly knowing they can't buy anything. Those things become exciting when you're in the Christmas spirit but if they know Christmas isn't happening anymore they may well not see the point in the above.
children are and should be excited for Christmas.

OP I feel for you desperately. Could you or your husband pick up evening work? Try signing up for market research. Facebook market place is your friend. On my local pages there are so many good toys and things children would love that are either given away or sold for peanuts this time of the year as people like myself tend to have a big clear out this side of Christmas.

you don't need to do a big roast turkey for Christmas. A picnic on the floor with picky bits, melt a few bars of chocolate and get some strawberries and marshmallows. Homemade hot chocolate etc. go to the pound shop and grab some cheap £1 calendars for the kids. Have a look on your club card to see if you have any points to use. Lean on family and friends and don't compare your Christmas to the other persons.

vinted and fb market place are your friend as well as charity shops too. Try and get some evening work on a temp basis and use that money to go towards Christmas. Call the debt companies and try and get 'breathing space.'

best of luck OP, you're doing your best. I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been suggested.

I haven’t read all the the comments on here but some really good advice in the ones at the top that I read so hopefully you can read all these and get some suggestions. Others may have suggested this later among comments that I haven’t read, but I’d add that you should try getting advice from debt advisors at Citizens Advice Bureau. You might be able to get a debt relief order and write off some of your debt. You could also get a benefits check done (by others or by CAB) to make sure you are getting all the benefits (although I see you are in the process of one claim). As your children are at school, can your DH get extra hours where he works or delivering parcels or something? Should be a few more opportunities prior to Christmas. Is there anyone who can help out with Christmas (meal on the day or funds for presents) such as family if they realise how bad your situation is? I see your not keen on getting help from strangers in your original post.

Could you put a post on a local Facebook group asking if anyone has a bed / beds that they want rid of (for free)? You may or may not wish to say you are struggling financially.

Try Olio and other apps for free food. There’s a Re-Uniform near me (not you) for school uniform etc so might be organisations and charities that can help too (although you haven’t mentioned school uniforms - it’s just an example). As others suggested you might be able to get help with Christmas presents but I agree kids are pretty resilient and most understand (and notice) when money is tight and appreciate the smaller things more and also the best thing about Christmas is the time spent together so plan some free events even if it’s walking around the local area scoring the houses with the best lights etc.

All the best. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Charity shops have some lovely stuff, I had several Christmases where my children's gifts came from them, without which I couldn't have afforded them.
Utility companies have information on their paper bills and websites with who to contact if you are struggling. They can reduce direct debit amounts, or provide free electric blankets and some (I am with octopus) do fifty pounds credit to your account if you switch to them, or once you are a customer, you can continue to get the fifty pounds each time someone uses your unique referral code to join octopus. Its definitely worth phoning or emailing all of your providers to explain you are struggling.
I did an IVA with StepChange-the years pass quickly, you rebuild your credit rating and lose that all consuming, gnawing anxiety.The best part, for me, was that once the IVA had been approved, I was free from the relentless demands and threats of bailiffs etc-your creditors can't demand money from you, StepChange deal with everything.
Other things are bank switch deals , Martin Lewis' newsletter had some info on this for the TSB, I think you get £200 if you switch.Or if you have a credit card, switching to a different one with 0% interest for a year.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/compare-best-bank-accounts/#santandervoucher
You can also claim a £100 Amazon voucher just for opening a Santander basic bank account (so you don't need to switch) but I think this offer ends next week

Ends 2pm Wed. Get £100 Amazon voucher just for OPENING (not switching to) a new bank account. New & existing Santander customers who open a new current account via the links below and spend 30 times on the debit card within 60 days (if that's a lot, just split your supermarket shopping up to qualify) will be emailed a link to claim a £100 Amazon voucher from 12 Feb 2026 (if not, check your spam). Full info's in our Santander review, but we'd focus on two accounts...

• The Everyday* account is its bog-standard fee-free account, so is your best bet if you just want to grab the voucher.
• The Edge account costs £3/mth but pays 1% cashback (max £10/mth) on household bills paid by Direct Debit (or the Edge Up if you've bigger bills, as it pays a max £15/mth cashback on bills for a £5/mth fee).

Also, I would suggest to think about housekeeper/cleaner role. It is very well paid these days, our local one asking £20/h and it is very flexible with hours.

I think the priority here should be getting the StepChange process in hand. DH can use his 10-2 time to ring / email whoever you need info from and get hold of what you need so that it’s finalised, or you need half a day off as PP said to get it done. You need to plug those holes.

Yes and he could do ironing jobs at home. Not doing anything shouldn’t be an option.

The priority is getting her dp into work and this problem evaporates overnight.

OP I haven't RTFT properly but would you be comfortable sharing where abouts you are in the county? If you're near me I have some things you can have but I'm in Surrey so I have no idea if that helps!

if not, I'm happy to do a Christmas food shop for you for delivery if you wanted some chocolate tubs and festive food etc nearer the time?

With one of you working part time, it’s always going to be tough.

In this situation you need to both work more hours .. myself and partner average 50-55 hours each per week .. We are doing this because of house repairs but would also do it if living in your situation.

Apply for an emergency payment from the Welsh government discretionary fund:

https://www.gov.wales/discretionary-assistance-fund-daf/eligibility

Speak to your school's family liaison officer/wellbeing officer .

If you're struggling with utility bills, check if you can get a fuel bank voucher (MPs/MSs can refer).

If you have council tax arrears, there is currently a trial scheme in some areas of south wales where you can pay off the arrears via the credit union.

www.gov.wales/pilot-council-tax-debt-rescue-scheme

Temp christmas jobs for husband to bring in extra money 25 hours is not cutting it

Have you been to debt advice like citizens advice?

Do you own or rent your house? Is bankruptcy an option?

Why can’t your partner phone the companies that you are in debt with during the day while you’re at work?

What does he currently do 9am-3pm 5 days per week? Surely there’s something he can do to make money.

I've been part of a group for 7 years that's about passing on children's things. I grew up in a family well under the breadline (and in a complex family situation that meant well meaning "just work additional hours " comments just weren't relevant).

So I just wanted to encourage you not to feel bad about reaching out. When our boys upgraded beds, it was amazing to be able to pass the old ones on quickly. When we needed to rapidly clear my father in laws flat when he died suddenly, knowing we could get people to come for his fidge/freezer etc was huge, especially knowing the difference it makes. I've swapped unused Nintendo DS's for clothes in my sons size when he decided at 6pm on Christmas Eve that Santa was bringing him clothes after all. Which was pretty magical.as my then 6 yeae old knew i didn't have anything (and knew i made his stocking). Passing on things is better for the environment and often people are grateful to clear space.

BTW if you're anywhere near Caldicot pop into the Caldicot core (open Saturday mornings). They'll point you in the right direction if there's nothing more practical they can do.

Are you in touch with your local Carers Centre? They can help with grants for things like beds. When I worked for a Carer's organization they did presents for children at Christmas, particularly for young carers, and it sounds as though at least two of your children would be classed as young carers.

Much love going to you.
We were not flush as a family when I was a child. But what I remember about christmas the best is playing loads of games, crafts like paper chains, watching Christmas films and Christmas specials, and having a good meal. The first two are free- with dinner as people have said, food banks will help with Christmas food like choc, mince pies, pudding etc. 9p veg in Lidl near Christmas and buy a chicken and call it a turkey. It will taste better anyway!
I have worked in food banks and at Christmas it is expected that there will be a lot more need. DO NOT feel you don’t qualify for a food bank - you absolutely do and you need it over Christmas at the moment.
Well done for working with Step Change. Don’t despair this won’t last forever xx

I know stepchange are meant to help but you’d be better off finding the debt forum on MSE. Basically, Stop paying, wait for accounts to default, assuming non secured debt and no rent/council tax arrears, then take it from there. It will give you space to build emergency savings.
If you are in rented then Bankruptcy is an option too.

Op I’m in south wales. Feel free to message me, I wonder if we are close? I go to lots of groups and know lots of places / people that can help You out

What about him doing a part time OU degree during the day. He’ll get 4.5k grant per year of study from Student Finance Wales. That would help Op.

I'm worried OP hasn't returned here. She was talking about 'ending it' (please God, no don't do that).

Reading all the comments has brought tears to my eyes, the way everyone wants to help is heart warming, and it's been a strong reminder to me that I must do far more to help others, especially as Christmas approaches.

OP if you come back - you are the kingpin of your family, they need you and this will pass. I hope you're taking some of the excellent advice on here from people with local knowledge of how to source things you need etc. and people who know about debt and how to deal with it. I've got nothing useful to add, just that I hope you're ok and that you'll come back and let us know how it's going.

Others have probable said this but have you checked out charity shops? You might get some toys for your younger two and maybe books, jigsaws and/or board games for all of them. Focus on family activities and fun. An afternoon spending time together watching films, drinking hot chocolate, eating popcorn or playing cards, UNO, monopoly or a board game or doing a jigsaw with a few sweets and treats might be remembered for a long time compared to loads of presents (particularly if your kids suspect money is tight).