Barely affording to live and Christmas is making me ill

[Zombieof3]

Good evening all,

this is me just venting but if anyone has anything helpful to offer, I would be more than grateful to hear it. PLEASE NOTE: that I am not after any offers of money etc, and anything of the kind would be respectfully refused. I just don’t want to be alone with how I’m feeling

me and my partner work, I work forty hours whilst my partner does about 25 hours which actually works out financially better than when we were both working due to childcare costs for three kids. I’m actually so low at the moment, every month it’s such a struggle, the minute we have money it’s gone and I’m not even covering half of my priority bills. I’ve got a ridiculous amount of debt which I was previously paying off but since cost of living, I’m barely able to put food on the table. I’m working with stepchange but it’s quite a difficult process as I’m not even sure who half of the debt is with and they need everything to be a 100% accurate which involves me needing to ring around but I’m in work 9-5 and everywhere shuts after this. My two girls are desperately needing a new bed as their bunk bed is falling apart and I’m going to have to take it apart for their safety. Christmas is around the corner and I don’t know how to explain to my 13, 9 and 8 year old that I doubt there will be anything major to open. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m working my arse off for absolutely nothing, it’s killing me and I feel like such a waste of space. What’s the point in slogging in all day for nothing. We’ve never been abroad, we don’t live lavishly, I’ve cancelled all subscriptions. We do and have nothing. I’m just sad that I’m struggling to provide even the bare minimum.

Could your partner pick up more of the mental load? Eg while he is home with the kids could he make the phone calls to get the debt in order, source free bunk beds (gumtree, marketplace, freecycle), look out for free food/toiletries on Olio and go with the kids to pick them up.

Ask Stepchange to apply for Breathing Space for you. It means everyone you owe money to can’t chase the debt for two months. It will give you chance to get accurate figures etc.

I would also email everyone you owe, there’s no reason to call everyone in person, you could send emails at the weekends and ask them to email accurate figures.

what sort of accommodation are you in? If you are a council or HA tenant your Housing Officer will probably have information about charities that may be able to help with furniture.

Debt is so horrible. You are doing all the right things. In another 2-3 years? your childcare costs are going to shrink dramatically and you will be able to pay off far more and feel the benefit of your work.

Have you tried the moneysavingexpert debt free forums too? And the free or low-cost Christmas threads here? What I remember most about Christmas as a child is parents being happy, lights, ivy and holly, and Christmas music. Probably the two most exciting presents I got were from a charity shop. If you want to post income and outgoings here, do, but if you’re working with stepchange you’ve probably done all that.

Agree with the above - presents are barely remembered after the event so please try not to beat yourself up if presents are lean this year.

If you have children with sen have you checked to ensure you are receiving support dla and the correct elements of uc (carer, disabled child element etc)? Charities connected to whatever additional needs your dc have are usually pretty good at signposting to advice, support. The Family fund also provide grants which can be used for specific items eg furniture, games although their website says its only open until today so you would need to go quick on this one

Depending on where you are in South Wales OP there’s a brilliant charity called HCT (Helping Caring Team) that covers Caerphilly, Newport, Blaina Gwent and Torfaen councils.
They have a scheme at Xmas to get gifts for families that are struggling. They also have a food bank and often help people source things like furniture.
You can contact them via their FB page.

Can you look on credit Karma to see what you owe? It’s free to join. On mine it lists my credit cards and my loans. So then hopefully you could see what you owe.

Also do you have any friends that could help.
I am stressed out about a maintenance issue and my friend made all the calls for me today. I asked her and she didn’t mind. So if you have any friends that you are close to they might be willing to help.

Good luck. It’s so hard to juggle everything.

If he’s working evenings surely he must be able to work more hours? 24 hours across 5 evenings is less than 5 hours an evening, there are 7 days in the week so he could do more even if shifts are short. There’s also the time when DCs are in school.

Do a benefits check to check that you're receiving everything you're entitled to. See if there is a 'community fridge' or non referral food bank in your area as this helps you and stops food waste at the same time. Look on your local 'freecycle' pages for bunk beds there's normally people updating their things and giving things away.

-I too was going to suggest joining the OLIO app where people locally advertise free food. There are often local 'heroes' which take alot of yellow sticker food from local supermarkets and advertise it for free
-See if there is a local community larder nearby. We have one, although I've never been inside. Its not a food bank which needs a referral. I think they often have surplus from local supermarkets, along with things people have donated.
-Ask on next door if anyone has surplus allotment produce
-I save egg cartons. I local lady who has chickens in her garden will swap a hand full of cartons for fresh eggs.

My poor love, its a struggle for sure - my heart goes out to you, seriously ( been there )

So the best thing you have done is go to step change - yes it's a PITA getting the info together , but with it they can really help. Atm OFFCOM are writing off fuel dept - if that's you and you are working with Step change - you will be eligible

A lot of dept can be written off, if you can afford to go bankrupt - you do need professional advice before you go that route

Beds - Freecycle or local free/swap/market place sites

Regarding Christmas . Im a lot older but you know what made Christmas for us kids when we were your kids age - seeing the family enjoying it together.

We were piss poor. I remember waking up Christmas Eve night to go to the loo and seeing mum and dad patch up a second hand doll house. We had second hand bikes as we got older. We would open our eyes to a stocking, not a lot these days in in, a book, some chocolate, little things, and one pressie - under the tree - a game or spirograph or something

Then we had Christmas tree pressies - from the aunts and uncles - not a lot - choccies, something knitted, a doll

But my best Christmases were the ones when mum and dad weren't stressed to the hilt . If they weren't worrying and stressed, they weren't killing each other

I think that stands true today, children won't ever remember the big toy, the time they went to a theme park, but they will remember the fights and argument and stress - because those things last longer

I hate Christmas now, the expectations . I opted out 20/30 years ago. We dont do pressies other then for the grandkids and that's usually new footwear or coats . But we spend the day together, play silly games. enjoy the shite jokes from the cheapest christmas crackers ever ( they are binned after all )

Stop stressing about gifts, and work on how to have a Christmas where the stresses can just piss off for a while

How many hours does your Dh do each shift? Is it long shifts? 25 hours a week isn’t enough (obviously)

Second hand christmas presents are fine - kids books especially can be very cheap in charity shops and good as new condition.

You could get something they need too - say primark Christmas pjs to sleep in on Christmas Eve.

Christmas dinner doesn't have to cost a fortune - roast a big chicken and do a couple more veg than usual and it's not too bad, but can look lots fancier.

You definately don't need a lot of money to have a magical Christmas - collecting greenery from a local park, making paper chains etc, nearly free.

You'll probably have to explain to your oldest that you won't have money for many extras this year, but the two younger ones can have a great Christmas on a budget.

Definately explain to familyband friends that things are tight this year, so you'll be making gifts - biscuits cheapest thing to make and the kids can ice them, so they'll look very festive.

And if family members offer to help out with presents for the kids, I would take them up on the offer.

You'll be clear of the debt in a few years, this is justva blip, but do see what supports are available to you.

Have you spoken to anyone at your children’s schools? We have an amazing well being lead at school with a lot of different contacts, they’ve helped parents source beds before and help with uniform etc As a school staff we also buy certain children presents at Christmas. We never know who we’re buying for and parents are always asked if they’d be happy to receive gifts to give their child.

I’d also chase up the DLA application when you’re able to, it seems to give them a nudge if you contact them.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP.

For the urgent things like new beds for the kids, have a look on marketplace but do also have a look at any local charities that may be able to help. We have one local charity in particular that helps people in your situation, even if they don’t have the item they will try to get something donated for you from their “pool” so for example they were asking a year or so ago for a double bed, we donated ours and they organised the transport etc. I’m not sure if there is something similar near you but it’s worth a look for sure!

Agree with others in looking to see if there is a community fridge set up, we have one and a local food bank we volunteer at which does not require a referral and you can attend up to 5 times per month for a family, no questions asked. We also take donations for gifts every year starting at the end of summer and everything is checked and then put to be taken weekly from start of Nov- again no referral needed, but means children have something to wake up to.

What about weekend work? Can he work weekends at least until Christmas?
3 older kids and one person working PT plus debts is of course very tight. You need ro also
get on top of your debts. Try and aim for one call per week at least, you are just avoiding the issue.

contact your local food bank who will be able to help you with a Christmas hamper plus will know of charities that specifically have the help you need though bunkers are often free on Facebook marketplace, I gave mine away to a family in need as did my parents.

The vast majority of food banks (even though they may require referral, don't let that put you off) will have discreet sign posters working with them, they will know the local amenities available to you like the back of their hand - and there will be many that you wouldn't necessarily find yourself. Have you had any contact with a local food bank?

Define 'major'?

Obviously they wont get designer goods and games consoles but you can do a lot cheap at Xmas?

Maybe combine a bit of each budget into a bigger family present and then just smaller things each.

Have you considered doing something like experience days (often sites have discounts and some can be cheap) or looked around for cheap tickets to things (days out or theater etc...)?

For individual things try looking for second hand options of brand name things or toys? (sometimes even new with tags on ebay/vinted etc...)

Also I don't know what space you have but I got my DS bed off Wayfair for like £16.99, its just a plain metal frame platform bed but its solid quality and there where some cheap ones if you keep your eye out.

OP - bloody well done for facing this and doing your best. It sounds like you’ve had some tough times - things will get better, especially with your tenacity and focus.

On a practical note please
do check out your local church. Mine (East Anglia so nowhere near you! But check out if you have a Vineyard church near you) does this thing called Xmas together where we provide a free lunch for anyone who might find Xmas tough, whether that’s loneliness, money or something else. 64 people turned up last year between the ages of 7months and 87 years. We also so a gift scheme where families can choose a some gifts for free. Please turn up on a Sunday and ask for help.

Good luck

Try and contact the social prescriber at your local Council. They may be able to help with bunk beds and other things too.

Gosh that sounds so hard OP.

Could your partner call around to sort out who the debt is with as that sounds like a top priority.

are stepchange also helping you check you are claiming all you can?

Here are a few thoughts also -

The Salvation Army provide toys for Christmas presents - you can apply as below

• For the Toy Appeal in England, Wales, and Scotland: Visit the gift appeals registration page on the Salvation Army website and use the location search to find your nearest participating center.

If you put community larder South Wales into google quite a lot come up - there are a few organisations like good sense wales and your local larder. You pay a small membership fee for much cheaper groceries.

Olio app is also good for shops giving away bags at low cost, but a regular community larder is going to be more helpful with planning.

For furniture, join freecycle and Freegle and ask if you haven't, and have a look on here for your nearest second hand / free provider https://reuse-network.org.uk/find-items/#/ The British Red Cross has furniture shops that provide low cost items

for clothes - google A Better Fit South Wales, who can help with school uniforms and kids coats

https://faithinfamilies.wales/ Can help with clothes, and other household things

Hope some of this is of some use, and that things get better as you sort your debt out, live is so shitty and hard right now

Have a look at turn2us... There may be grants you are eligible to apply for

For heavens sake - the OP has explained she cannot cover her bills or replace the kids' bed - she cannot afford eBay or vinted or discount days out. Get a grip.

Oh and another thing, let the Salvation Army and any other local charity know you are needing help ( local radio usually run a gifting scheme as do a few of the supermarkets - Dunelm have the gifting tree - you will get a gift for each child

Christmas is just one day. Its not a childs birthday and unless you are religious , it means not a lot , other then being with a happy family. And a happy family can be egg and chips and lots of fun xx