Barely affording to live and Christmas is making me ill

[Zombieof3]

Good evening all,

this is me just venting but if anyone has anything helpful to offer, I would be more than grateful to hear it. PLEASE NOTE: that I am not after any offers of money etc, and anything of the kind would be respectfully refused. I just don’t want to be alone with how I’m feeling

me and my partner work, I work forty hours whilst my partner does about 25 hours which actually works out financially better than when we were both working due to childcare costs for three kids. I’m actually so low at the moment, every month it’s such a struggle, the minute we have money it’s gone and I’m not even covering half of my priority bills. I’ve got a ridiculous amount of debt which I was previously paying off but since cost of living, I’m barely able to put food on the table. I’m working with stepchange but it’s quite a difficult process as I’m not even sure who half of the debt is with and they need everything to be a 100% accurate which involves me needing to ring around but I’m in work 9-5 and everywhere shuts after this. My two girls are desperately needing a new bed as their bunk bed is falling apart and I’m going to have to take it apart for their safety. Christmas is around the corner and I don’t know how to explain to my 13, 9 and 8 year old that I doubt there will be anything major to open. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m working my arse off for absolutely nothing, it’s killing me and I feel like such a waste of space. What’s the point in slogging in all day for nothing. We’ve never been abroad, we don’t live lavishly, I’ve cancelled all subscriptions. We do and have nothing. I’m just sad that I’m struggling to provide even the bare minimum.

A notepad of IOUs to the kids for late nights, extra puddings, movie nights, that sort of thing age dependent .. I always do this for my son and he loves it and it costs me nothing. He holds onto these little voucher books, has a lovely wad of the historical ones
also, I strongly feel you should be straight with the kids that you’re in a tricky situation but you are sorting it out. They need to understand the stress but also not find it terrifying. I’m sure they will understand why you are not throwing loads of money around on shit that none of you need.
board games, walks in nature, jumping around to music at home, that’s the stuff that’s gonna make you feel better and connect with them

Also Christmas is hideous for so many people, a time to reflect on loss, feeings of inadequacy, loneliness and separation. I truly think we do our kids service by not being so ridiculously over the top about it.

Sorry to hear this

My advice is check the following

Free gifting websites, don’t be afraid to ask, most people are happy to help especially when asked nicely.
Speak to citizens advice about local community food banks that may not have websites.
Also speak to CA about any charities that could help with gifts.
Speak to schools about food banks or any other assistance they are aware of.
Check out Facebook marketplace, I know it’s not as popular since vinted but I’ve gotten some much needed things when struggling financially.
If DHisnt working during the day get him to visit charity shops and try and find some deals.

Worse comes to worse your DDs could sleep on mattresses on the floor, mine did this for a couple of months.

You do need to try and sort the debt. I appreciate that's easier said than done but it's like trying to tread water with a giant weight tied to you.

Do any of them have automated lines? Sometimes you can access a balance that way.

Once you can get a payment plan you can start to improve your situation.

For Christmas, have a search of any upcoming community events reasonably locally. Not the Christmas fair type expensive stuff but the Scouts or church sales. We have £1 toy sales and £1 clothes sales which might help for the younger kids. Local FB selling pages also worth checking. I don't like marketplace but the local ones are good.

I’d speak to your children schools and see if there is anything they can do to help support you as a family. They will have experience of this, Also self refer to children’s services and get a social worker to come out and do an assessment as sometimes having someone to speak to about things and knowing what is available is a step in the right direction.

im so sad to read this i hope you get the help
you need.

I agree with seeking help through a local church. They often have their own schemes which can help l, but even if not, they will know who to refer you to. I’m not in your area, but my church has a scheme which collects secondhand furniture and distributes it to families - a local boarding school was changing its furniture and donated 20 cabin beds which went to local families, for example. Cash 4 Kids and the Salvation Army are both great suggestions by other posters. Christians Against Poverty offers free debt advice.

@Zombieof3
I’ve not read all the replies but am focussing on you being in debt. This is the killer; it’s a vicious circle to be trapped in and feels like you’ll never be free of it. You can be.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - talk to one of the charities than can help with this. The two that are most often recommended are -

CAP (Christians Against Poverty) Set up and run by those with a Christian faith it’s available to everyone of all faiths and none. You will NOT be ‘preached to’
www.capuk.org

Step Change - these are also a charity www.stepchange.org

These organisations can help with reducing your debt by contacting EVERYONE you owe money to and either renegotiating what you’re paying, reducing/freezing interest and also suggesting and organising Debt Management Plans and Debt Relief Orders etc.

They can stop the constant chasing letters and phone calls too, and deal with everything for you. They find solutions you’d not ever think of or be able to arrange as an individual. Money management and budgeting advice are also offered to help going forwards.

With both, the service is FREE. The aim is to help people manage /reduce / write-off debt and release people from becoming trapped in poverty by debt. You won’t regret reaching out to them - it was a life saver to me and has helped thousands of other people.

As others have said Stepchange and the like are exceptional when it comes to trying to sort debt issues. But and this is a big but - if you are unable to afford the things needed and that are necessary for your family then paying debt is the least of your worries. Normally I wouldn't condone this as I believe debt should be paid - been there done that.
But if paying debt is making your family worse off then you should not pay it - your family and its' immediate well being is of primary concern here - the debts can wait.
It is rubbish that Christmas is approaching but there are many charities that will help when it comes to ensuring your kids have a present or two to open on Christmas morning. It's going to be tough time time for many people - and if we on Mumsnet help by letting you rant or offload - then do so.

Op I just wanted to say... do you feel your partner is supporting you enough? It sounds like all the mental load is on your shoulders. Can you talk to him and try and get him to take on more of the burden if so? If he can't work any more hours, then at least he can take on more of the load in other ways.

Try the website freecycle, gumtree or Facebook market place for free things. Some brilliant things are given away. No one else in your family needs gifts this Christmas. Just buy for your kinds. Nothing wrong with decent second had stuff.

My sister and I (middle aged) were only reminiscing the other day about our childhood Christmas's and the only thing we talked about was the excitement of the stocking we awoke to on the end of our beds. No mention of the 'big present' under the tree. Things like a satsuma, mars selection stocking, bottle of nail polish, woolworths trinkets, yoyo, slinky, lip balm, jacks, all cheap and cheerful but brilliant 🙂. Not suggesting these things exactly but its possible to put together a little treasure trove of surprises in a stocking for very little money.

Can I also suggest moneysavingexpert- their forums are great and just generally you may find some advice on there and they often post deals and freebies which may come in handy for Christmas. I was in a lot of debt back in the day and it was so helpful.

Social worker children with disabilities team. They can assess and refer for practical support food banks xmas boxes and furniture

Firstly, my partner and I are going through Stepchange and yes, it's bloody tricky. Doesn't help that the website itself is crap!

In terms of a new bunkbed for your girls, you could try giving your local council a call - yes, they're mostly useless, but usually they can signpost you towards local charities who can help out with essential furniture for those on a low income.

100% respect to you for reaching out as I know that is a real hard thing to do. I am not ‘churchy’ but churches are so helpful. Our local town has an amazing furniture outlet for free furniture to people who are struggling and this could be useful for new bunk beds. I am not in your area but thoroughly recommend Community Larder/Fridges. I volunteer at one here in Cornwall, no faff with referrals and a big welcome assured. Lots of great food and often Christmas bits in run up to Christmas. Also may have support of professionals to help and sign post you such as Citizens Advice, local water company, community energy plus etc - am sure there will be an equivalent in your area. Now onto getting ready for Christmas, bill it as a challenge, how many fun things can we find to do that are free. Try and get the kids interested in free events eg on town noticeboard, through local leaflets, at library or local hall. In run up to Christmas you could do a 7 day countdown and decide together what ‘free’ things to do each day or could be a 14 day countdown if you find lots of things!! You could go on a nice winter walk and pack a little outdoor snack, just something simple like pack biscuits and hot apple juice (4 cups own brand juice heated up with 1 cup water) if you have a flask, things always taste better outdoors. Do a CHRISTMAS treasure hunt round the house/local area; everyone needs to find something beginning with C then H then R etc and whoever gets daftest things can choose tonight’s TV. Find out where little free events are taking place, there is often Christmas outdoor carol singing or illuminated gardens or even free kids parties taking place in community centres. If you have a lovely town/shopping centre nearby then maybe they do a Christmas window treasure hunt for children with little gift if finish the trail. Our local village is famous for its lights and there is a walk around after dusk. Maybe if there is an animal sanctuary or community farm nearby they often have Christmas events on. Getting ready for Christmas day you could challenge the kids to an eco friendly Make-athon and between the whole family make 26 different things to get ready eg start saving loo roll inners and odd bits n pieces to make crackers, greenery and bits of holly that you find on your walk can make a table centre. Kids these days like saving the environment so they could be really creative here. Could you maybe give ‘experiences’ for kids as presents this year which won’t cost too much eg sleepover and movie night with best friends or if you know someone with a lovely pet that your kids love could they be allowed to walk/ look after it for a while. If you cook then often kids like to be involved in making dinner and might like something different instead of a big roast dinner. Maybe something like homemade star shaped pizzas with spiced wedges which the 13 yr old could help you make then tiny pots of choc dipping sauce with marshmallow and fruit kebabs to dip which the younger ones could make.
Wishing you as good a time as possible over Christmas and hope this helps xx

Also - look at your local household waste recycling site, they often have a store / area with things they give away or are very cheap thst can be reused or repurposed.

Go to the citizens advice they will give you free debt advice & will contact your creditors for you.

If I remember correctly, you can take on driver jobs like deliveroo and choose exactly which jobs you want to take, so those hours would work well.

If you're not covering half the outgoings then you've no room to cut back so the only option is to increase income. With all the children in school your partner should absolutely be looking for any available full-time night-work, e.g., work 11pm - 6am, get everyone off to school, then head down to sleep while everyone's out of the house. Yes it would be shit in the short term, two ships passing in the night etc, but needs must. And you need two full time incomes to take off some pressure until you get to a better place.

You've not answered when other posters asked if your partner could call round to get debt details - are they fully onboard and aware of the dire financial circumstances? It should be all hands on deck if so!

Can you get a cheap second hand bunk bed off marketplace? You often see pine ones going for free.
In terms of the debt, Can’t you declare yourself bankrupt? Have you looked into this.
There should be a discretionary household support fund locally - speak to your local church and school.

Are your debts credit card/purchases or utility bills? Utility bills are harder to sort but do often have hardship funds.

If it’s loans or credit cards ( and not secured debts), I would work out a proper budget, check MSE or similar. Work out if you have any money spare. That money then gets divided up, highest percentage to the largest debt. You then make an offer of that payment to the company owed. Even if that is £1 a week or similar.

I have been there and feel for you. I’d be wary of going down the IVA route or similar as they only work in very limited circumstances.

I found citizens advice most helpful with debt advice and support

If you get the DLA approved it will be backdated from the date it was received, therefore if it takes 3 months to approved you could receive 3 months payment on the first payment. How long ago did you send it off?

If your child is awarded mid or high rate care for DLA, your DH can also look to apply for Carers Allowance dependent of his income.

Lots of people are doing clear outs now, so post on local Facebook groups, and I’m sure people would be happy to help. You can post anonymously on there.

Handhold from me ❤️ I feel very similar... And childcare when you have a child with SEN it's pretty much zero in our area.

My love, I can hear your exhaustion and your heartbreak.

Your dp needs to be given this problem, he has to go out and find some work between now and Christmas between 0930 and 1400 delivering parcels or whatever it takes to provide for his own children this Christmas. This really can not all be on you.

Over the holidays you need to make a plan - he needs to be working at least double the hours he is doing. Many men work 60 hours or more a week.

I could give you a long list of free Christmas events. Carols by candlelight in church, walking through the woods, looking at the lights evening but honestly until your dp steps up things are not going to improve.

Can you take a day or two off op? You sound burnt out.

I am so sorry things are so hard for you. I will say as children we had more fun playing with the box often than the toy inside. Your dp could build presents for them whilst he is applying for Christmas work.