Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

Possibly, depending on what she's studying, she can get a wfh job. She's trying to better her long term prospects, but in the poverty trap. Yes, perhaps she could move, but things like that take cash. For now, she can manage, just, with benefits.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear things are so tough, I hope things get better soon.

For some extra money, would it be worth you switching your current account to a new bank? Some banks will give you a £100 bonus for doing this:

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/compare-best-bank-accounts/

Re. council tax, are you currently getting the single person discount?

Would you consider switching to a sim only mobile phone deal? e.g.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cheap-mobile-finder/sim-only/

Would it be worth switching to a new car insurer? Failing this, could you haggle?

Are you eligible for a broadband social tariff?
https://www.ofcom.org.uk/phones-and-broadband/saving-money/social-tariffs/

Do you have anything worth selling? e.g. clothes on Vinted?

Would it be worth downloading a food waste app? e.g. Olio?

Ooh I've had an idea OP! While you're making your own soap could you make extra and sell it?

My goodness I think you're amazing.

Good on you for studying, that's the wise move long term as you're investing in your future.

Ignore those who are telling you not to, it's short-termism.

I'm impressed with your resilience, making so much stuff from scratch. I struggle to make ends meet - not as much as you, but money is tight - and I feel so overwhelmed by life I don't feel I have the headspace for such things, so hats off to you.

However, when you say you've not got enough money each month, how are you managing? Are you getting into debt?

Do you want advice on ways to manage / increase your income? It's not clear from the OP.

It’s way more expensive to make your own pasta and soap than to buy it. Plus you could have used those hours to work instead.

@Stupidlifechoices

Try to let thoughts of failure go. You’re not a failure! Each time you think that, try and list as many positives as you can about yourself. One example - just think of how well your older daughter has turned out, the success of how well you brought her up!

Definitely try not to compare yourself to those ‘broke’ friends - 3 holidays a year is far from broke in my book!

I really feel for you. Its sounds like a very tough situation. Unlike some others, I really recommend completing your degree if you can, because that could really benefit you financially and with career prospects for years to come.

There seems to be 2 solutions for me:
a. Increase your income
b. Decrease your outgoings

Obviously the phone bills are outrageous! But other than that, I’m going to focus my advice on ways of increasing your income:

Of course if you can work more hours that would help. And if you can somehow manage to get more child maintenance that would also help (£7.50 a month is awful). Here are some different ideas for increasing income:

• As others have said, I highly recommend applying for your university hardship fund. I also recommend having an appointment with your university finance team and they can probably offer some advice about financial hardship.

• Look for local grants too. Often city councils will have a hardship fund for residents in their area. Or they might have a local charity grant available for those struggling financially living in the local area.

• Are there any household support funds operating in your local area? There’s one open in my local area (run by the local council) that can help with food, fuel, white goods etc.

• Also, it might sound odd, but I’d ask your GP surgery for help. There is a scheme through GP surgeries called ‘social prescribing’ and these staff can signpost you to lots of useful places that can help with financial hardship. I personally know someone (C) who was struggling financially and who received very useful help from their GP social prescribing service.

• Also try Citizen’s Advice.

• Also consider trying your local job centre - they might be able to offer advice.

Very best of luck to you.

Advertise locally for cleaning customers
It's admirable making all your bread, cleaners and toiletries but it adds to energy costs and ingredients
Student hardship fund?
Is your DD paying you the £60 for her phone?
Can you look for a remote/ hybrid admin job?

Not really. If op only works an hour a day and she's getting £1350 per month, then most of that IS from the government.

I'd say the fault lies with her useless ex, who pays a measly £7.50 per month. Pathetic.

You sound like an absolutely wonderful person and it's all wrong that your life is blighted by worry.

One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage

There's your answer. The silver spoon.

In all seriousness, maybe look for new friends.

I would have through if getting that much through Universal credit and only studying part time, there would be an expectation to work more hours ? I know you are exempt from any work commitments if a full time student which is understandable but part time ?

My husband earns £1800/month and works 40+ hours/week. I’d say you’re not doing too badly for 5 hours a week. And to add insult to injury, he’ll be subsidising your income.

if you can’t afford to live on what you’re earning you need to work more hours. That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?

If only paying £7.50 he is likely on benefits. No-one knows his situation, he could be avoiding work so he doesn't have to pay more CM, he could be too ill to work. Sorry if I have missed where op has given a reason .

Working one hour a day is obviously not sustainable. You will have to work more. It may make sense for you to put your studies on hold for a year or two and work full time (or as close to full time as possible). That doesn't mean never completing your degree, but at the moment it seems that earning money is more important than studying. If you decide to continue studying, I would imagine that you will still need to work at least 20 hours per week.

Making your own pasta, shampoo, etc. strikes me as a false economy, in terms of both money and time. You are unlikely to save any significant amount of money by making these things and you are unquestionably using time that could be better spent doing something else.

In the longer term, moving to a less rural area would probably be wise, though obviously that is a big decision and not one to be taken lightly.

I would also be encouraging your elder DD not to spend too much money on treats and presents. Of course, it is very kind and generous of her but as a student she needs to budget carefully and get into good habits financially.

I hope you will return to this thread. There is a lot of good advice from PPs.

@Stupidlifechoices

Some more advice from me, this time about grants available from charities (money given that DOES NOT need paying back).

• I recommend searching The Scholarship Hub - it’s a brilliant database of scholarships/grants specifically open to students. The person I mentioned above who was struggling financially (C) applied for a grant using this website and was delighted to receive it! You do need to create a free account to view their scholarships and grants, but I think it would be worth it. https://www.thescholarshiphub.org.uk/money-books-scholarship/

• I also recommend the Turn 2 Us grant search which has lots of grants listed on there: https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/survey/1/fb48612c-e9d0-4086-88d0-59309aec3b75

I have had a look on Turn 2 Us and found a number of grants you may be eligible for, I would recommend these few first:

• The Women's Careers Foundation (Girls of The Realm Guild) - this grant is to help women university students who are in financial need

• Diamond Education Grant - this is for women who need financial help with education/professional development after an employment break - they are not open for applications right now but should open near the end of 2024. Once applications have opened, I think you stand a good chance with this one.

• The WR Foundation (gives grants to all undergraduates, though priority is given to those studying the arts)

• The Hockerill Educational Foundation (priority given to teaching degrees but can give grants to students from most university courses)

There are also lots more specific grants available if you meet these specific circumstances. Do any of the below apply to you?

• Are you studying a business-related degree? If so, try: 1st Formations Business Scholarships

• Are you on a course related to the Brewing, Catering and Hospitality Management industries? If so, try: The Henry Mitchell Memorial Scholarship Fund

• Are you studying with the Open University? If so, look at this webpage which has a list of possible grants for OU students: https://www.oustudents.com/support-and-advice/student-advice/fees-and-funding-advice/

• If you are studying in the field of creative arts (including drama, painting, sculpture, dance, music, poetry and architecture) then try: The Fenton Trust

• Are you studying in the field of logistics, the supply chain and transport? If so, try: Aspire - Careers Foundation of the Chartered Institute of Logistics and Transport (CILT)

• Are you studying/involved in arts and crafts, architecture and design and social welfare? If so, try: The Gane Charitable Trust

• Does any of this apply to you? For university students whose parent or partner (including deceased partner) is or was a grocer, pharmacist or commercial traveller? If so, try: The Leverhulme Trade Charities Trust

• Have you moved to the UK from a different country, and is English not your first language? If so, try: the Ruth Hayman Trust

• Are you a Greek national studying at a UK university? If so, try: The Schilizzi Foundation

• Armed Forces Education Trust (you may be able to get a grant here for either of your daughters if they have a parent in the UK Armed Forces (or their parent used to be in the Armed Forces) and if this impacted their education).

Hoping that you will find some of the advice here helpful!

Your other friends are not broke.

If they can afford holidays then they are well off.

You are comparing yourself to above average income and then feeling like shit because of it.
Stop doing this to yourself.

You are doing all you can right now.

Keep looking for work or even a university course (it’s better in person but I believe you can do an online one too).

Being in work, even if it’s just PT will give you more money.

Look for work in your DDs school.

You could even look into becoming a childminder, as many other parents may need childcare too (although you may need to drive).

I too lived rurally and struggled to get a job and so I moved which worked out really well for me.
I got a PT job which gave me more money and more confidence. Then I went to uni and got a degree which gave me better prospects.

Think about what career you would like to do and use this time to work towards it.

These figures can't be right.

Aside from the ridiculous phone expense, how is your car insurance £1440 year?

For all we know he's in a coma and on benefits

Everything you are paying over the odds for. Why is your car insurance so much for just you and I assume a cheap car? Do you actually need broadband? I would hope a £60 phone would include unlimited data, connect a work laptop or whatever to that. Why do you need a landline?

Pretty easily I'd think if she's only been driving a year or two? Or even if she was previously on ex-DPs insurance?

You need time to build up a NCB.

Your skint friends aren't skint if they are having those holidays or they have lots of credit cards they aren't paying for. You are showing your children a great example by trying to live within your means which too many people have never learned to do.

As for your costs.....

Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Contact them and tell them you need to be switched to a social tariff. They should be able to cut the costs immediately. They will want to see your household budget - more on that in a bit.

Broadband and phone line - £45
As above - ask for a social tariff

TV license - £28.25
I suspect this is high as your paying by DD and are catching up for the entire year so paying double for 6 months. Take a look at your TV viewing. Do you watch live TV? Do you ever use BBC iPlayer? If it's no to both cancel your licence as you don't need it. So if you are only using Netflix or similar no licence is required. It's the live TV that is the problem for many people.

Car insurance and AA - £120
Come renewal time check if the insurance can go down if you add your mom or dad or some other more mature adult. Check if there's a packaged bank account that gives you roadside recovery. AA & RAC tend to be quite pricey in my experience.

Fuel £150
I presume this is petrol - not much to be done if you live somewhere rural.

Gas and Electric £180
As above - ask for a social tariff

Council Tax £75
Again - check if there's a lower amount that you can be paying given your very low income.

Go to MSE and look for the debt forum. (I know you haven't said you are in debt but that's just the extreme end of budgetting) There on one of the top posts you'll see the statement of accounts (SOA). This is essentially a budget that you can fill in and post there and people will be really really helpful about how to tickle things into place. If you don't get sufficient help there take the SOA and contact a debt advice agency - StepChange, National Debtline, Christians Against Poverty (CAP) or (my favourity) Community Money Advisers (CMA). They will help you negotiate with your bills to get you what will work better for you. CMA is generally face to face but they do have a call centre hub as well.

Don't get lured into working with a fee based organisation (Money Wellness is one I believe) as frankly you can't afford it.

Best of luck - you've made it this far so I'm confident you can get it sorted.

@fluffymeloncauli and @Miley1967 - no, OP hasn't said why her ex pays so little.

I did assume that he was just feckless. Like a lot of men posted about on here 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe he's not and there is a genuine reason why he can only pay £7.50 per month.

TV license is £15 a month, unless you’ve signed up for two?

Honestly you need to work more. It won’t be forever but of course you cannot make your books balance. You aren’t working which is the sure fire way of topping up the pot. You can come back to studying when things are less tough

Ah yes, I didn’t spot the income in original post. Apologies. Still worth getting benefits advice, though, especially when eldest DD moves out as may be non-dependent deductions on the housing benefit.

You don’t work. Your children’s father doesn’t work. And you are wondering why you are skint. Someone needs to work. More than one hour a day. It’s just reality.