Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

A good example of why yoh should read the thread 😂

Home made sandwich cost 45 p per portion
I do get this about the two phones. But the lady has to cut down on things ...her income is hardly covering even one minimal salary per month. I know people who live on two combined minimal salaries in Surrey and make it

Why are you referring to OP's daughter as a he/son when OP has referred to her as "she" in the first post???

Even the first post would be helpful!!

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

Unless we're talking about the 6 year old here!!

You need to work more hours, OP. Did you say that you work only 1 hour a week? If your degree is part time (I'm guessing OU), can you do it in the evenings and work more hours while your 6 YO is at school?

Instead of making own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, urgently learn some trade. I don't know which trade, but urgently learn some trade - what you are doing is akin to inventing a wheel, you are wasting your time. If you can make all these things yourself, surely you can learn a trade or do something for money?

A friend with no trade, no profession and only a school leaver's certificate was desperate and she could not afford a tutor, never mind stupid Disney land or suchlike. So she sat with her son, using YouTube videos for National fives - she is in Scotland - and not knowing advance maths herself, she learned it with her son, they both learnt, and he passed with flying colours, he went on to do advance higher maths and is now doing some amazing technical engineering design degree at Strathclyde. Other mums found out (she has a 5-year old now, same school) and she is now tutoring little ones maths, making good money (not amazing, but good) and producing amazing results. I am not saying you should do the same, but if you are so organised and have so many skills - you can teach something to the little ones, run a class?

Your other broke friends aren’t broke!!! It sounds like you’re doing amazing - your 20 year old sounds very lovely indeed. If you’re at university - have you tried the student hardships funds and stuff? Please do try them - there may be things you haven’t heard about - even one offf payments to get you out of a sticky bit or treat you - best of luck with your degree!

It's easier said than done, working with a primary school aged child and no child care. OP clearly said that living rurally, there's not much about. Who is going to employ someone who can't work the holidays?
I've been there @Stupidlifechoices and it's really tough! Stick with your degree as it'll help you in the long run. And things will get easier as your younger daughter gets older.
Recommend doing what you can to cut costs, and try not to compare yourself with other families. If you're keeping a roof over your head and food on the table, you're doing fine! Your time will come 💐

Yes I was going to suggest get final. Year done in 1 year. Getting it finished (with a 2.1) is more important than getting a first.

It sounds like the degree is a complete waste of time, tbh, if OP still isn’t going to be able to actually work afterwards because of living in the middle of nowhere and not having childcare or wanting to work school holidays.

If she gains qualifications, she'll be able to earn enough to make changes. The sort that are impossible with part time, min wage kind of jobs.

Put your study on hold and work full time.

Unless it’s a vocational degree, she isn’t going to walk into a well paid job having not worked at all in the past eight years. Employers want experience and workplace skills, a Sociology degree or whatever on its own doesn’t open more doors.

It really does depend on what the qualification is.

Exactly! OP might be better off relocating somewhere she can get a better job. That would mean she can afford the rent

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house
But you would earn more and also save on petrol. You could also probably downsize in the process, as I understand your 20yo just moved out? She will pay her own phone bill and your food costs should also decrease significantly I imagine.
I would also cancel the TV licence, cheaper to use Netflix or similar.

Imanontoday

Op says she feels like a failure and then goes on to list things she makes that I could never do!!!

When you’re a parent you can’t prioritise fannying about making soap when you have a child which isn’t being financially supported by either of its parents.

This. No-one really needs to watch live tv anymore. We've not had ours for years. You just need to fill in a form saying you don't watch live tv. That's it.

It looks like you’re subject to the household benefit cap because you’re not working the required 16hrs a week. It’s a Coalition government George Osborne ‘austerity’ measure that badly affects lone mothers juggling work and childcare, including looking after sick and disabled kids. It’s so nasty.

Strongly suggest you get benefits advice. You can apply for discretionary housing payments (DHP) from your local council.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/benefits/dealing_with_the_benefit_cap

In lots of professional jobs you can work from home now. So you can apply for jobs in other parts of the country.

Hundreds of thousands of graduates are earning minimum wage.

If your daughter has recently moved out were any of the benefits based on her presence, especially housing allowance? Have you applied for single adult reduction on council tax?
Don’t have discussions with these friends, there broke is different from yours.

OP is nowhere near the benefit cap amount of £1,835.

Agree totally