Are others really living a comfortable lifestyle or is it all smoke and mirrors?

[peanuts18]

Most people I know with children live in nice houses, have foreign holidays or new extensions, kitchens or new cars, eat out, days out to London or weekends away etc. How do they all afford it even a car on HP is several hundred a month?

I work part time (ds is only 7), oh works full time but is self employed so work can be a little up and down and no sick or holiday pay, have a fairly small mortgage (£600pm) but we really struggle. No savings, always in overdraft, no eating out, 1 cheap week to Spain in the last 15 years which set us back for months and months. I don’t smoke or drink and buy supermarket/primark clothes. No loans or car payments only a CC with about £1,000 on.

Am I missing something here as how do others do it or is it all smoke and mirrors and they are living on loans and credit cards, I really don’t get it??

Same. My partner is a low earner but I've made conscious decisions throughout my career to move often and negotiate a better salary each time. We're now mid twenties, not planning to have kids, own our home (moderate mortgage) and I think we're very comfortable.

On the flip side though, you wouldn't see us as wealthy. We prioritize savings/investing, spend a fair bit on socialising and travel, but have a very old second hand car (just one), no designer clothes, we don't care about remodelling our home or fancy interiors although we do have a new build which makes it simpler I guess.

I wouldn't buy a handbag more expensive than a coach handbag, or shoes more expensive then Dr. Martens. My partner is as frugal as it gets and most of our hobbies are cheap/free (apart from travel/socializing). I also like quality but don't own many shoes/clothes/bags so feel better about justifying it.

I do know people our age though who earn less and save less (my friend group is very open about finances) but many have LV handbags, huge car payments, or endless ASOS orders each month etc. which I personally wouldn't dream of.

What's your food bill like? I find one of the biggest expenses, after childcare, is food. People spending hundreds a week.

We spend about £50 a week on average for two adults, two cats, a child, and bog roll and laundry liquid.

We also have zero childcare costs.

These two major costs are kept down by the fact I work minimally and in the home. I can cook meals from scratch every day that cost very little.

So yes, we do live a nice life with money for luxuries. We are on about £50K/year collectively.

My DH earns 100k. I only earn around 5-10k but work PT around 3 kids.
Even I don’t know how some people do it!
We have 2 cars but both are old bangers. We do have a fairly high mortgage as we live in quite a high house price area.
But just with the bills and food and some kids clubs / school residential trips / bus fares / train fares we can’t afford much.
UK break for 1 week a year. Possibly another uk short break if we are lucky.
we do prioritise day trips but even then lots of those are free or low cost and we hardly ever eat out. Always bring packed lunches etc.
I see people doing huge extensions and massive kitchen refurbs and think how!!? They are 10’s of thousands!

OP, you could work more, see your dc less but have more money for flash holiday and fancy cars?

To me these things are not important but obviously they are to a lot of people. I don’t really feel jealous towards people that have more other than those who are given everything without working for it. My dc have never been abroad, I don’t own my own house but we do have a car (couldn’t live without one as we are rural). There’s always going to be people who appear better off than you.

This thread comes up about once a week on here.

To paraphrase Ross - I assume you’re looking for an answer more sophisticated than ‘they earn more than you do’?

tiredofthiisshit21
oh dear god of Christ! What a bragger

I think inheritances are a big thing nowadays as the "baby boomers" are now dying - i.e. those who benefitted from low house prices (then house price inflation after they bought), numerous "windfalls" from bank, utility and friendly society demutualisations/privatisations, inflation eroded their mortgages, gold plated defined benefit pension schemes, etc.

I'm in this group and I'm 64, I certainly hope I am not dying off yet.

We're fairly comfortable, not wealthy. Some of it is down to luck as a pp said, the intelligence to get a degree and a good job, buying when house prices were much lower relative to income, good health, children being in good health, parents being in good health, etc. Basically if you don't have good health the whole pack of cards comes crashing down, unless you could afford expensive critical illness cover or similar.

Some is down to good management, not overextending ourselves in any way (one child, smaller house than we could have perhaps afforded, no debt, no expensive cars, no pets, paying off mortgage asap).

Although I did use part of the inheritance I received when my father died to pay off the mortgage, we would have paid it off by now anyway as we set it up over 20 years rather than 25 to try to pay it off as soon as possible.

So mix of luck and a sensible attitude to money.

Agree with others, they simply earn more.

However, I know a couple with a young family who from the outside look really well off. £800,000 house, fancy cars, luxury holidays. Fact is he misused £100,000 covid loan to buy his house, does lots of cash in hand (thousands) so fiddles the system to fund lifestyle and parents pay for their luxury holidays and expensive wedding. She's on maternity leave, no current income. It's not always as it seems.

I don't know OP. We're on just under £3k a month between us with a mortgage of £680 and I dont know where the rest goes. We have 2 kids but no childcare costs. We dont have any other dept or HP. We dont spend on clothes or going out and this year went camping for a week. I feel like we should have more disposable income!

People earn more than you and/or they're happy to seek out opportunities to earn extra money to maintain their lifestyle. Why should it be smoke and mirrors?

Try working full-time then!
it’s not rocket science

You havent mentioned how much you earn.

But with a mortgage of only £600 and two working adults and struggling. It really cant be much, either that or you are spending unnecessarily on things.

Well we are low income family and live in a poor area and we have savings, eat out and have weekend away sometime... they are pretty bog standard basic things not smoke and mirrors.

The question of where do people eat out makes a difference - we obviously arent eating in gastro pubs where the starting price for the basic pasta dish is £14 but cheaper chain resteraunts/pubs where you can get a course and a drink for £8 and/or kids eat free etc... we eat in often.

Weekend away with travelodge we use the 'saver search' and pick somewhere based on the cheapest we can find usually £30 a night x2 nights so £60 (also use cashback sites).

New cars are just finacially stupid, you couldnt pay me to go to london, we dont own our own home (no suitible ones here for sale and we can't move far) so no extention. People say our house is nice and it is decent but key thing is rent is cheap because it sat empty for ages after a serious crime and we seem to be the only people that didn't bother lol (and in 10 years no one has returned to murder us in our sleep).

I would like an abroad holiday but its more the hassle with young kids rather than cost (done 10 days abroad for £300 before then it was just bus tickets, food and the odd paid attraction).

Plenty of people are very comfortable in the current conditions. A lot of my friends have had / are having massive house renovations, foreign holidays, and so on. They simply earn a lot more than we do. Not everyone though - others are cutting back and others have always led a modest lifestyle. I think you do tend to notice the friends who have more!

As pp have said, once the DC are in school, it is a luxury to work part time. I work 4 days a week and my DC are 8 and 10. I could work ft and we'd be around £500 better off. Some of that would go on childcare, and a cleaner, but we'd definitely be a few hundred better off. At the moment I feel like it's worth it so I am around a bit more, still do the school run, and enjoy a day off to catch up on stuff. DD1 has ASD and needs more support than a NT child. But when we can't afford eg a nice holiday, I have to remind myself that's the trade off for being part time. That's just the way it is.

Op, it can be for lots of reasons.
DH and I probably appear comfortable (but not wealthy).
We go on a quite a few breaks away each year, we have a big house (every time I look at it I have to pinch myself: I grew up in a council flat sharing a bedroom with 3 others).
We do lots of activities with our son and go for quite a few meals out.
So we might look as if we are doing well.

But here’s why:

• Both DH and I work FT.

• Neither of us have a degree: I dropped out due to illness, so didn’t have a lot of student debt: only around £5k.

• I’ve done lots of work qualifications in my spare time

• I have ended up by complete fluke in a fairly well paid job (ie over £50k, not well paid as in mumsnet 6 figures), DH earns less.

• We only have one child: that helps massively as we only pay for one set of wraparound care, and only pay for one child when we go anywhere.
• We have been lucky to recieve some childcare help from grandparents (ie 1 day a week, saving in nursery costs)

• We had help with deposit on our first flat.
• We’ve been together 20 years and climbed up the housing ladder.

• We live in a cheap part of the country.
• I work from home: no commuting costs.

• DH works less than a mile from home.

• We only have one car: which we paid outright.

• We were together years before we had our son: so saved up a lot in those days (also had lots of nice holidays)

- rarely drink alcohol or go to the pub (but we do like a coffee and meals out)

• I had massive credit card debt in my late teens so worked literally every hour I could to pay it off for a year and have been careful not to go into debt again

• We don’t eat meat often: so vegetarian food is much cheaper.
• We have had financial help from parents at times (ie if I needed something done to the house, my mum would give me the money)

• Since getting out of debt, I have always carefully budgeted, including having money for spends.

I’m completely aware that a huge amount of us being comfortable is just luck (either in receiving money from parents for deposits and other things: and having a well paid job.
So I don’t think we’re comfortable just because of our own savvy and hard work.

We both work very hard in high earning, full-time jobs.

People are just different to you - our kids are 6 and 2 but we both work FT.
Earnings DH 33k Me 27k - not great but consistent and each ahve only a 15/20 minute commute and very flexible employers which make a huge difference.
Out of that we currently pay around £900 a month in childcare
£650 a month mortgage and £220 as month council tax.
We do go out together once a month as that's a priority, we also ensure 1 'treat' family day out a month - the last one was funded by Tesco Clubcard points so cost us about £20.

I got an email yesterday for a Self Catering holiday in Majorca, for all 4 of us including flights, for next week, and it was £650 - for us all. We'd have jumped at it if DS1s passport hadn't just expired. We've always done last minute holidays which is how we usually get away twice a year.

We're in the process of converting our integrated garage into a playroom, got quotes for £4500, DH is doing it himself with his dad and some friends for a grand total of £1200.

Our car is 3 year old on finance, I bartered with them and so the monthly payments are £127. When I went in the first offer was £198 and I refused and walked away, it's amazing what you can do when someone wants a sale.

This explains it really, two full time salaries versus a part time and variable self employed salary.

I am lucky enough to not know what is In my account and I never worry about money. It wasn't always like this in fact quite the opposite. I used to feel sick with worry over money.

But don't judge people that are comfortable. They have probably been through some shit to get where they are. Now

We earn significantly more than you. But we probably still live a similar lifestyle, the excess is invested and spent on travelling. We still have an older car, wear charity shop clothes and live frugally.

Instead of focusing on how others live look at boosting your own income if you're not happy with what you have.

It's called living beyond means
I work with a few
Good salaries but every penny spoken for
Car PCP deals his and hers
Phone contracts
Next credit accounts
Mortgage
Exotic holidays paid for etc over a year or so
Etc etc
I had to explain re interest rates last week
One told me no savings every penny spoken for despite good salaries x2

We have managed most of the things you've listed with a combination of inheritance and savings which paid for an extension.

We've not been abroad for three years but are going in October which cost us £4k all inclusive for four of us. In usual times we'd have one holiday abroad per year and one in the uk.

My husband works full time on £50-70k depending on commission (surplus of which goes into savings or overpaying mortgage) and I work 30 hours on £27k. I don't consider us massively high earners. But rather in the middle. We're very careful and use childcare vouchers for before or after school clubs.

I guess it's down to how much you earn and how you manage your money.

No I don’t think it is smoke and mirrors.the wage gap and wealth gap is getting further apart.
it’s not a race to the bottom op so that jot why I say this but There are an incredible amount of people a hell of a lot worse than you. I no you mention some struggles but the lower literally are frightened for their lives right now.so as hard as it light seem because if we weren’t governed by bustards you should be way better off,try if you can to feel comforts that you are ok maybe?or safe enough.

When my DC were small I used to wonder the same thing. DH and I both worked hard but we lived in a small house in a not so great area, drove old cars, didn't spend much on anything for ourselves (no designed clothes, shoes, bags etc). Whereas most other mums I met in our area seemed to work very few hours (or be a SAHP), lived in big houses in the nicer parts of town, drove nice cars, spent loads on hair/make-up/clothes etc. When got to know them better I found out that they had either had inheritances, moved from more expensive areas of the country (so they could afford a bigger house), had financial help from family etc or simply had different priorities from us. For example- one of the families that I secretly envied never ever went on holiday together, or any days out as a family other than the local park or grandparents as the DH thought it was a waste of money to take small children to places that they wouldn't fully appreciate. We probably spent more on holidays and days out with the DC than he did on his designer clothes but there's no way I would have swapped.