Ashamed of our debt

[SoAshamedSoAshamed]

I never thought I'd be posting on a forum for support about this but right now I can't talk to anyone (exc DH) about this IRL & I'm crying every day.

We are in a big mess financially. We owe about 70k in a combination of ways (CC, loans, to a family member, overdraft, tax). Luckily we have an asset which we can sell which will hopefully bring in 40k & leave us repaying the other 30k.

I know we won't be destitute as we also have 100k equity in our house which we can downsize if necessary.

My DH is a high earner. But being self employed his payments are irregular. We are starting to be making payments late. We have set wheels in motion to sell our asset & are spending the bare minimum at home. I believe we are at the start of regaining control. However I am constantly on edge. I'm crying. I feel stupid, ashamed. I've been selfish to spend so frivolously. Selfish to prioritise material purchases over repaying debt. I could not feel any worse.

We have 2 young children. I feel so guilty that I'm now crying every day & im on edge, I'm worried they will pick up & be affected by this.

I just would love some moral support. Any stories of people who have got out of a similar situation, are now on the other side? Anyone out there??

Your debt doesn’t define you. It is nothing to be ashamed of, shame won’t change things. All you can do is start taking steps to do something about it.
If you’re on Instagram I recommend following ‘my frugal year’. She has a very good approach to debt.

I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. But you have started to address the problem.
Have you written it all down and figured out how much and how long it will take to repay. Which debts attract the highest interest / need paying most urgently?

unsecured debt like credit cards and loans can, in a worst case scenario, be ignored. At the worst all you will get is a CCJ but you will get to keep the house which should be your priority - never pay off unsecured debts by selling your house!

Suggest you seek financial advice. CAB is the best here www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

I think you'd do well to go to a debt counsellor or similar before you do anything. Sometimes doing can be a defence against thinking when you're in a bit of a panic, and you want to make sure that what you are doing is as constructive and helpful as possible.

Thank you so much for relying.

We are definitely going to seek some professional advice & have an appointment lined up. Due to my husbands job we absolutely cannot have CCJs or anything like that.

I have written it down & our monthly household bills are 2.1k pm, debt repayments is 1.9k pm, absolutely shocking. leaves is with about £600 pm for good, fuel, childcare etc etc. It's completely unsustainable. We are definitely committed to a frugal lifestyle. Just living in the immediate aftermath is very hard. DH is being fantastic & has spoken to the tax man etc. I need to get a grip & move forward. We are all healthy, we love each other, we have a lot to smile about.

Thank you for being so kind.

Thank you so much for relying.

We are definitely going to seek some professional advice & have an appointment lined up. Due to my husbands job we absolutely cannot have CCJs or anything like that.

I have written it down & our monthly household bills are 2.1k pm, debt repayments is 1.9k pm, absolutely shocking. leaves is with about £600 pm for good, fuel, childcare etc etc. It's completely unsustainable. We are definitely committed to a frugal lifestyle. Just living in the immediate aftermath is very hard. DH is being fantastic & has spoken to the tax man etc. I need to get a grip & move forward. We are all healthy, we love each other, we have a lot to smile about.

Thank you for being so kind.

Just found my frugal year on insta. Think I'm going to delete loads of SM profiles which are basically adverts for things I can't afford!

Can you go to your mortgage provider to see if they can do a consolidation? To avoid you moving?

You’re going to be okay. Get the ball rolling, sell that asset you have to pay off a big chunk and go from there.

Also see if you can speak to step change.

You definitely need to avoid any CCJ’s etc. is you can as it will damage your future prospects and make it hard to move/ get a new mortgage if you need to.

Make sure you get some real life support and talk to a doctor if you’re stressed.

Just a thought - if your OH is a lawyer/accountant or similar (just wondering based on what you said about avoid CCJs) then there may be specialist helplines he can call - there certainly was one for lawyers when I was in practice.

And, yeah, no more frivolous purchases at all, and please be careful around xmas and similar - can be difficult habits to break.

At the moment there are no intentions to move. Moving would be an absolute last resort if we were on the brink of bankruptcy.

@EssentialHummus yes that kind of work so checking if there is a helpline is a fantastic idea.

Thank you for your encouragement. I know 30k is still a lot of debt but if we got down to that I think we could decrease our monthly repayments to £800, that feels a lot more comfortable & more to live on (albeit frugally) & continue to pay off debt.

I think I will talk to my mum about it today. Need to share with someone IRL but you guys have given me some hope , thank you, thank you

I wouldn’t sell the house either.

Do you have an income?.

@Fluffycloudland77 not currently, childcare for 2 wiped out my salary & would do so for the next 2 years. And set evening/weekend work is difficult due to DH job, he's often working away. However I have the opportunity of casual work (friends in bar/restaurant trade) so I will do shifts there to bring in some extra for Christmas. Luckily my children are v little so they won't care about gifts this year

Ok, how long will it take to sell the asset? Can you do that sooner rather than later?
Is it possible to cancel the childcare if your not working?
Would the family take a pause in payments until you have the 40k?

Have you looked at one of the posters on here (Talkinpeace maybe?) Who talks about how to prioritise the debt to pay it all off as soon as possible? Or is everything on minimium payments?

The numbers sound big but not impossible. Good luck!

Have you looked on the Martin Lewis website. There's lots of people on there with bigger debts that are paying them down and 'living' whilst they do,

Ok, you mentioned childcare upthread so if your not earning currently I’d probably cut any nursery sessions they do or clubs.

Are his clients paying late? I’m se & it can be a devil of a job to get clients to pay up. Are his terms re payment being adhered to by customers at the moment.

Alvin Hall does brilliant books on debt, they change your life. Your local library will have them.

If your debt situation is that bad, you should think seriously about cancelling Christmas this year, or at the very least radically cutting back on everything. Christmas is the definition of non-essential spending.

Have you cut up your credit cards and cancelled all subscriptions to pay tv, Netflix, magazines, charities,club memberships etc etc. It’s amazing how these things accumulate. Do you have smartphones? If so, could you sell them and replace with second-hand Nokias on PAYG?
Are you all taking packed lunches to work/ school? Have you completely stopped buying cups of coffee? Are you buying all your groceries fromAldi / Lidl?
I know some of these things sound drastic, that is why I have suggested them.

Good luck, OP.

I have so much I want and need to say but mainly I'm replying to say I understand and I'm suffering the same.

I need to take on board all the good advice you're getting. Debt is crushing and feels like you can't breathe. I empathise.

Link to Martin Lewis’s free debt advice:

[https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/]

Sorry, clicky link didn’t work 😞

Asset will be going on the market this week. Looks like we could actually make 65-45k from this (before solicitors/agents feed) so this is making us feel more positive. Obviously we are a long way off releasing the cash but the wheels are now in motion.

We are keeping childcare as it's only once per week & in preparation for free hours in jan. It's £14 I'm happy to keep paying for. Subs are being cancelled but I am keeping Netflix...Already budget shopping at ALDI & cooking more veggie meals to cut back on meat. Have already reduced grocery shopping from £145 down to £80 for 4 of us so happy about that.
Phones are all out of contract & on old iPhones so happy to keep these too.
Family are aware of the situation & thankfully happy (& able) to wait. We're very lucky about that.

Having begun the week feeling terrified & in floods of tears, we are actually starting to feel more positive & excited to have control over our finances (& life again). We are a long way from sorted but both committed to doing this & working together. This has really made me examine how I behave financially & compare myself to the lifestyle of others. I'm still embarrassed about that but proud I can admit it.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I will also be checking out the book by Alvin ?? I remember him from years ago & am in the right head space for some life changing financial advice.

@AloneLonelyLoner
Honestly start facing up to it now. I've been terrified but having a plan feels liberating in many ways. Hugs to you x

www.caba.org.uk/

Just in case he is a chartered accountant. Link above is charity for chartered accountants. They won’t pay off your debt but they do a lot of debt counselling and helping people in your situation.

I get it’s a scary place to be. You seem to be taking a handle on it now and having some form on control will help massively to get on top of it and crucially stop it happening again in the future.

Have you analysed how you got into the debt and what led to it? From your posts it sounds like it may have been some frivolous spending which in a way is easiest to deal with rather than inability to pay basic bills. When you are in a better position you will need to just make considered purchases and not impulsive ones, so that doesn’t mean you can’t spend money just that you think properly about whether it is worth £x and you can afford it before splashing out. Just realised that sounds a bit condescending but it is really not intended to.

I wish you well, you are getting a handle on it and you can find your way out. You are taking control and all should be well. Take care

@Teensruletheroost not condescending at all, real advice which is what I need.

We have got into this debt in a few ways; frivolous spending, moving to a new house which needs a lot of work, having 2 children in quick succession & never adjusting our spending as a result of this.

Could you look at buying a cheaper house? So smaller or in a cheaper area? I once had 14k of debt from being a student and being a low earner while developing my career in London. I understand the stress and constant worry. I also totally get the regret. But it's just making the situation worse so be less harsh on yourself. You obviously know where you've made mistakes and are putting them right. So beating yourself up isn't going to help! You will get through this! I don't want to sound condescending but do remember it could be so much worse.