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Original poster

Living with a non-vaxer

118 replies

PineapplePrincess · 23/12/2021 22:31

Anyone in the same boat? I’m really struggling and could do with tips and advice on how others are handling things if they have different views on this than their partner - and somehow manage to keep the peace.

DH has been in a foul mood with me for two days because I tried to go get my booster shot (failed as the queue was too long, and had kids to pick up from childcare).

We’ve gone from the silent treatment, to arguing and back again. I’ve tried to make the peace, to agree to disagree, but it descends into more shouting and arguing somehow.

We have relatives due to come over and stay from tomorrow, the kids have Xmas, I just want an air of normality or at least civility and enjoy the next few day. Instead I’m in constant tears and dreading being in the house with this atmosphere.

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 23/12/2021 22:33

Why are you even arguing...both of you? It's your choice to have it, his not to. One if us is vaxed in my house and the same situation is my sister and sister in laws home. No arguments about this yet.

Takingabreakagain · 23/12/2021 22:38

Same in our house @Screwcorona it's something we don't need to discuss. Each of us has made a personal medical decision - it's not something to argue over.
OP It sounds like there are wider issues in your relationship. Do you find there are arguments about other issues too?

Wishtherewasmore · 23/12/2021 22:42

Why does he feel he can dictate what medical treatments you choose to have? It is absolutely none of his business what you do with your own body. Is this a symptom of wider issues?

NinaDefoe · 23/12/2021 22:45

The topic is banned between me and several people VERY close to me.
After a summer of horrendous arguments I said that we should never going to discuss anything Covid/Vaccine/Test related with them again.
This has worked so far. We have stuck to the agreement.

tectonicplates · 23/12/2021 22:46

These relatives who are coming over, did they know he's unvaccinated? If not, I think they should have the right to know in case they don't want to visit your household. Just as it's his choice to not have a vaccine, other people should be allowed to make an informed choice about not going near him.

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 23/12/2021 22:47

We’re not seen eye to eye on this for ages. At first we argued about it (lots) then to keep the peace I’ve just kept my mouth shut, nodded and smiled. I think he’s thought in this period I’m coming round to his way of thinking - where I was just trying not to rise to the bait.

I was hoping to go for my booster without telling him to avoid the aggro. But when I said I was ‘popping out for a bit’, he asked where I was going and I didn’t want to lie. So I told him.

When I came home there was very obviously the cold shoulder going on. When I tried to be chirpy and interact with him, I was told I was being wreckless and naive.

Let if for a bit. Then tried to approach him again, he tried to get me to justify the government’s policy on vaccine passports - which I made a complete pigs ear of. He got annoyed, I got angry. It’s just got worse from there.

I’ve tried to approach him again several times today, but just got more of the same. While I can respect his views on his own vaccination, he comes out with conspiracy theories that I can’t comprehend and it’s difficult to bit my tongue.

OP posts:
NinaDefoe · 23/12/2021 22:51

Bit garbled but I think you get the idea!

Takingabreakagain · 23/12/2021 22:53

@tectonicplates
Why what difference does it make whether he is vaccinated or not? The benefits are to the person vaccinated it doesn't stop transmission especially now with new variants. If the vaccine works those who are vaccinated are protected by their own vaccine - the others are probably not bothered

NinaDefoe · 23/12/2021 22:54

You can’t reason with him so don’t try.
Your best bet would be to keep quiet even when asked directly.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 23/12/2021 22:54

Irrespective of WHY he's doing this, what he's doing is abusive.

Ignoring someone, yelling at someone, undermining and belittling you. It's not what you'd hope for from a partner.

For me, this would be extremely problematic. Like you said, it's ok to disagree, but it's not ok for him to treat you like this. He needs to know that.

I would probably try to make up now in time for Xmas and then revisit it when people have left. Letting him know, anymore of that, you will be considering the future of the relationship. That you won't be spoken to or treated like that for ANY reason by him. How dare he.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2021 22:57

I couldn't be with an antivaxxer who is too selfish to think about the impact of his actions on the wider community and I couldn't be with an abusive, controlling arsehole. I would leave. Not sure if this helps you. It sounds as if both of these ships sailed a while ago. But LTB anyway.

CountessofWilmington · 23/12/2021 22:58

What right does he have to tell you whether to be vaccinated or not? Quite honestly it’s nothing to do with anyone but you. Abusive behaviour.

tectonicplates · 23/12/2021 22:58

@Takingabreakagain Not everyone has been able to get a booster yet due to long queues, and there are also medically vulnerable people out there who genuinely cannot have vaccines for various reasons. Anti-vaxxers are putting other people at risk.

PilesEdgeworth · 23/12/2021 22:58

It’s an LTB for me.

Tillymintpolo · 23/12/2021 23:00

It’s none of his business, tell him to fuck off

CheekyHobson · 23/12/2021 23:01

The problem is not so much your decision to get vaccinated or his decision not to get vaccinated (although I personally think this is irresponsible, particularly if you have kids) but his inability/unwillingness to show you the basic respect due to an individual who is allowed to make choices about their own body, even though you can apparently show that respect to him.

He doesn't have to like your choice and if it's that important to him then he doesn't have to stay in a relationship with someone he considered 'reckless and naive', but it's absolutely not okay for him to berate you (with misinformation) and punish you with the silent treatment and an angry atmosphere.

It may be time for a boundary on your part. If he can't speak to you with respect as an intelligent individual who is allowed to make her own choices, then you will need to end the relationship, as it's not good for your mental health, nor a healthy environment for the children.

tectonicplates · 23/12/2021 23:01

And yes, regardless of what the argument is about, giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I don't think this is only about vaccines, is it, OP?

BigGermanSausage · 23/12/2021 23:04

I was told I was being wreckless and naive

So he's a conspiracy nut. Leave him, they only get worse. It'll be flat earth soon and before you know it, he'll be telling you there's a pedophile ring run from a random pizzeria in America 😑

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2021 23:04

You’re not with a ‘non vaxer’ - you’re with a moronic covid denier.

The reality is you see the measure of the Person you are with during times like this.

A mature person who felt uncomfortable with the vaccine would leave you to it. A twat acts the way your partner does.

I couldn’t bear 5 minutes around someone so obviously idiotic.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2021 23:06

I couldn’t bear 5 minutes around someone so obviously idiotic.

This. I bet he's fun to be around isn't he? Get the hell out of dodge.

Takingabreakagain · 23/12/2021 23:07

@tectonicplates
Vaccinated people can also transmit the virus so in your senario they also are putting vulnerable people at risk - you don't seem bothered by this

PilesEdgeworth · 23/12/2021 23:09

I have a family member like this. They were pretty normal until a few years ago, but they’ve fallen down every conspiracy theory rabbit-hole going.

It would be one thing if they could agree to disagree, but they are incapable of talking about other topics and are never more than one step away from their conspiracy soapbox. Ruins every get-together their present at.

I wouldn’t be able to live with someone like that.

Bettybantz · 23/12/2021 23:09

For me it’s my son. He’s 19 so old enough to make his own (I’ll informed) decision. But I’ve told him that’s his decision to make and while I don’t agree he won’t get daily earache from me and I expect the same courtesy in return.
It doesn’t sound good that you DH would act like this over a difference of opinion, regardless of the subject matter.

ImSoMagical · 23/12/2021 23:09

Doesn't matter, me and hubby double vaxxed, ultra careful and we caught it from 5 year old dd from school. Unvaxxed people aren't endangering others, they are endangering themselves.

tectonicplates · 23/12/2021 23:09

I was hoping to go for my booster without telling him to avoid the aggro.

Sorry to have to tell you, but I went to speak to a pharmacist the other day to show her my arm. She said that a lot more people than usual have been reporting bruising after the booster, compared to 1 and 2. Mine was red and sore for three days and it only calmed down on day four, and disappeared on day five. So it would be difficult to hide from your partner.