Living with a non-vaxer

[PineapplePrincess]

Anyone in the same boat? I’m really struggling and could do with tips and advice on how others are handling things if they have different views on this than their partner - and somehow manage to keep the peace.

DH has been in a foul mood with me for two days because I tried to go get my booster shot (failed as the queue was too long, and had kids to pick up from childcare).

We’ve gone from the silent treatment, to arguing and back again. I’ve tried to make the peace, to agree to disagree, but it descends into more shouting and arguing somehow.

We have relatives due to come over and stay from tomorrow, the kids have Xmas, I just want an air of normality or at least civility and enjoy the next few day. Instead I’m in constant tears and dreading being in the house with this atmosphere.

I'm afraid for me this would absolutely be a deal breaker. You've got to decide where your line is though. I could not be with an anti vaxxer, it's too far removed from my values. Obviously you're already married so makes everything more complicated and you may be happy to continue the marriage but he MUST stop turning it in to arguments.

Setting the vaccination ‘debate’ aside he sounds like a massive abusive bully. (I use the term ‘debate’ loosely because that implies both sides have positions worthy of respect).

He sounds delusional and unkind to you. Why are you putting up with his shit?

I don't normally leap to LTB, but seriously, how can you live with this? I just couldn't have any respect for someone with this level of idiocy.

This isn’t a case of ‘six of one / half a dozen of the other’ or ‘both agreeing’ not to talk about it. It’s a man behaving abusively.

He calls you reckless. You call him a conspiracy theorist.

Agree never to discuss it again. Or it will be the end of you.

Do your best to keep the piece , 4 out of 5 in our house are vaccinated the one who is not has just tested positive.im trying my best not to look smug .

I preface this by saying that I couldn't be with someone with such anti-scientific views, but...

Agree with others to park it until Christmas is done,but then time for a talk. Regardless of his views his behaviour is not acceptable. Either he respects that you have a different view of this and have the right to choose (as he I am sure believes he has) or this becomes a serious relationship issue.

I think there is a bigger issue, he sounds very mentally unwell. And there are children in the house, which is concerning. This isn’t about the vaccine. He even thinks the storm was a conspiracy.

The issue here is someone so unwell and unable to have rationale thought is unlikely to be able to recognise they are Ill. What’s more concerning is you don’t seem to be recognising it either.

You need to take a step back. And think about what to do about this and how to broach the fact he’s unwell with him.

I am in the same postion op, and have wrote about it, its very hard to see the person you love turn into something that you dont recognise. To be so distrusting of everything, that they dont trust your own judgements. Its easy for people to say leave, but you still love them for what they were and you hold on to hope that they come back to you.

Your relatives should be aware, so they can decide not to come if they don't want to. If mine had not been vaccinated, I would not be visiting them.

It's the going on at you that bothers me the most in this op. I couldn't live with someone going on at me

"If your arm is bruised and sore after any injection it’s most likely because the needle has hit a nerve / vein / artery / muscle fibre. That’s not a ‘reaction’ to the actual vaccine, it’s trauma as a result of the procedure"

Spot on! I'm a vaccinator and although it's rare, it does happen and a bruise appears fairly quickly!

I can't get over all these people saying "don't discuss it".
How could you be in a relationship with someone where you have such fundamental differences of perspective. What do you get out of being with someone you think is a moron? And who treats you like shit?
Why be with him?

Tell him you don't have to justify yourself to him. Don't enter into his argument and tell him, if he doesnt pack in the bullying the door is over there and he can fuck off.

The ironic thing is that there ARE dark / shady forces trying to control him - its the people behind these antivax / anti government / anti expert propaganda machines. This is just the latest example of a long running campaign.
They use the same sophisticated brainwashing techniques as cult leaders do to lure susceptible individuals into almost inescapable black holes of circular thinking in order (presumably) to sew chaos and undermine government/society for their own ends.
Please be careful as this stuff is very dangerous and is likely only to get worse.

This isn't about him being an anti-vaxxer. I know anti-vaxxers who are perfectly polite and just say it's their decision, end of. Your partner is an emotionally abusive and controlling arsehole who found his people in some equally nuts and abusive twats. He's ruining your Christmas. Ask yourself if this is how you will want to spend your life, walking on eggshells in case you disagree with him. You're a grown woman, you get to make your own choices.

@Bluntness100

I think there is a bigger issue, he sounds very mentally unwell. And there are children in the house, which is concerning. This isn’t about the vaccine. He even thinks the storm was a conspiracy.

The issue here is someone so unwell and unable to have rationale thought is unlikely to be able to recognise they are Ill. What’s more concerning is you don’t seem to be recognising it either.

You need to take a step back. And think about what to do about this and how to broach the fact he’s unwell with him.

This. The vaccine conspiracy nonsense is pretty common, but his beliefs around storm Arwen push him into seriously mentally unwell territory. He is also abusive - he is not allowed to control your health choices by giving you the silent treatment, getting angry or calling you names.

I would be thinking very seriously about the future of this marriage.

Oh, and get your booster. Vaccinated people do still spread the virus, but the spread is reduced. And if you look at the patients currently in ICU who have COVID, the vast, vast majority are unvaccinated. Don't believe the 'vaccine doesn't work' twats on this thread.

I live with an anti Vaxer and got my booster the other day.. he didn't agree with me getting my 1st and 2nd jabs and told me I'd regret it in time and being honest I've suffered since I got it but when the opportunity came up this week to get the booster I jumped at it.. I work know a busy retail outlet and am around at least 2/3000 people daily so it wasn't a risk I was willing to take.. in saying that he knew I got the app and knew I was going and he never once asked how I got on with it..

How can you live with such an utterly idiotic man?

OP, he is abusive. He shuts down your voice and opinions. He does not respect you and does not see you as an equal. Do yourself a really big favour and makes plans to leave him. You deserve so much more. xx

There are a lot of stupid people in the world who are desperate to feel clever or better informed than the rest of us. He’s one of them.

It does seem to happen to men who want to feel control of their environment. Not high achievers but men who have been disappointed and now want to control people around them.

Hoping I’ve managed to attach the relevant part of the report here so that people are able to make an informed decision rather than cherry picking the bits that are pertinent to my point of view

@llanfairfechan24 Surely a better approach is to have everyone (vaccinated and unvaccinated) take LFTs before meeting on Christmas? As I’m sure you know, vaccine effectiveness against infection with omicron/delta is not the same as effectiveness against transmission, so vaccine status is not very useful in deciding who to meet.

I’ve had both vaccines plus booster, and I believe it was the right decision for me. My DH has a different opinion. We may have different views but I don’t manipulate/coerce/guilt/humiliate him into doing something to his body he doesn’t agree with. OP this is emotional abuse, and your DH does sound a tad unhinged or attention seeking (Storm Arwen seriously?)

@Valeriekat - Of those patients admitted to hospital with Omicron (data up to 20 Dec), 12.9% had received a booster dose, 56.1% a second dose - so 69% are vaccinated in hospital with Omicron. Only 20.5% in hospital with Omicron are not vaccinated (in fact it’s less than that as some of the 20.5% have had one jab). Source below.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1043680/technical-briefing-33.pdf

cloudchaos it isn't the 'admitted to hospital' stats that matter, it's the 'occupying an ICU bed'.