Covid has ruined my life

[Iwannabelikeyouohh]

Covid has broken me. It’s changed my life and I can never go back to the person I was.

It merged its ugly head just as I’d given birth to my first baby.
I can’t put into the words the fear I felt.
I remember driving to my mums, sat in the car crying, my baby in the back and I wouldn’t even open the windows Incase I caught Covid.

I’ve never, In my life felt fear like it.

I was ready to quit my job because I just couldn’t possibly go back to work after maternity, I couldn’t send my son to nursery because of the fear.

I did go back to work and I did send my son to nursery.

I had my first vaccine and I felt like things were feeling better. I had AZ early, as i have a high BMI.
Then the blood clots came about and as I’m
under 40 I just couldn’t bring myself to have the second dose.

I wasn’t just a bit scared, I was petrified.
I was in such a bad state I took myself to A&E and a dr there arranged for me to have Pfizer as my second dose.

I now worry daily that I’m not protected, I worry that I’m not fully vaccinated or that I’m going to have a bad reaction for mixing my doses.

I see a psychologist for high intensity CBT and I take 200mg of Sertraline but my life is just no better.

I cannot… CANNOT live normally along side Covid.
It’s just too hard.

I think about it all day, every day.

I convince myself every day that I have symptoms, I have PCR tests most weeks.
I no longer trust my own judgement because I just don’t know if I have symptoms or if I feel unwell or not.

I just really don’t want to die on a ventilator, the fear consumes me.

Im beyond help. My psychologist keeps telling me I have an irrational fear, but how is it irrational when people are dying from Covid?! Young healthy people.

I’m in my 30’s but I’m not healthy, I’m morbidly obese with a BMI.
I know people will tell me to lose weight but I’m just not in the mindset for that. It’s really not that easy when you’re as depressed and anxious as I am.

I can’t talk to people about how I feel, so I internalise and eat to deal with my feelings.

None of my work colleagues know what I’m dealing with and I can guarantee if you met me in person you would never know what I’m going through.

On the outside I come across as okay.
I work part time, look after my son.
I take care of my appearance (I mean I wash, my hair is nice, I wear make up, I wear nice clothes albeit a size 20)

On the inside, Its horrible, my mind is consumed, utterly consumed with Covid and death.
Repetitive thoughts, panic, fear.

I’ve spoken to my Dr, my health visitor, had low level CBT, high intensity CBT and now under the care of a psychologist. Nothing helps me.

I contacted the crisis team, I took myself to A&E, I begged to be sectioned, all I got was a physiologist who I see once a week.

I don’t know what the point of my post is really.

I just don’t have anyone else to talk to and I’m living in a lonely, scary world.

My husband tries to support me but doesn’t know how.

I have a beautiful beautiful little boy, he’s so clever and funny and super super happy.
I don’t know how with a mum like me!!

Covid has ruined my life, which I know sounds so incredibly selfish in comparison to those who have suffered much, much worse than I have.

I’m just sat here waiting for it to take me.

I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

Sounds rough.

Right here, right now, though, you do not have breathing difficulties. You are not on a ventilator. Take a long, deep breath in, and let it go slowly.

If you can lessen the fear from a 10 to a 9, that’s progress.

I remember you posting about being too scared about going back to work -but you’ve done it!
There isn’t anything I can say to make things better for you but I do, to a certain extent, understand how you feel

OP I'm so sorry and sad you are feeling like this and suffering so intensely.
I think Covid has caused some people more distress than others. For example, I am not overly anxious about it, but my MIL has barely left her flat for the last 18 months. She's given up her job, hasnt seen my son for 18 months, he was only 3 months old when she locked herself away. She won't seek help or see it as an issue.
It's good you are seeking help.
Do you feel in time the anxiety may lessen as covid becomes more in the background?

I was like this. But l was switched to Venlafaxine and I’m a lot better.

Hth

The scientists with their ramping up the fear agenda have a lot to answer for. You feel this way for a reason OP. They deliberately tried to scare people

for you

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I was like this. But l was switched to Venlafaxine and I’m a lot better.

Hth

Sorry to interrupt but what mg are you on? I'm on 75mg about to double my dose as didn't feel it was doing much, but have heard it's a good one.

That sounds so difficult. Of course it is an irrational fear and that in itself makes it more difficult. You can't rationalize it away. It will make no difference me telling you that by far the majority of people who have covid are mildy unwell.

I had covid and im a size 22. I was poorly for about 3 weeks but i have had worse colds. Saying that, i was fucking petrified.

I don't have any answers i just wanted to say i understand and you are not alone.

No advice I'm afraid, and I'm not sure if this helps but I am sure you are not alone in feeling this way. Covid has had a devastating affect to a lot of people's mental health

I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much like this. Health anxiety is truly awful.

The chances of you dying from Covid are incredibly tiny, despite your weight, though the media make it sound like young people are dropping like flies, but the stats tell a different story. When you see a story about a young person having died it’s not made clear that the reason this is news at all is precisely because if’s incredibly rare.

I expect you know this already, though?

Has any of the therapy helped you at all? If you had to say one or two things that have helped just a little, what would they be?

I’m on 75mg plus 50mg Amitryptiline. That combination nailed it for me. After tens of years.

It was prescribed by a pysch though.

I think you need to keep going to the doctor, ask for help, keep going to your CBT and your therapist. I'm sorry you're going through this, the government has so much to ask for for its fear messaging throughout the pandemic.

I could give you loads of statistics on the likelihood of you actually being ill from covid (tiny) or the likelihood of you dying from other things (also tiny, comparable to covid) but I think you are not in a rational mindset to believe them.

The only reason you know about young, healthy people dying is because it's so rare, they report on it.

@PopcornMuncher

The scientists with their ramping up the fear agenda have a lot to answer for. You feel this way for a reason OP. They deliberately tried to scare people

for you

Totally this. In reality you are unlikely to catch covid and be I'll, never mind die

Hey OP. Just a handhold for you because anxiety really sucks. Take care and enjoy your little one.

I'm sorry you feel like this. Health anxiety is just awful and so debilitating 😩. Even when you know a statistic is unlikely it doesn't matter because there's always a risk. We have all been sold such a strong line in danger danger danger that it's hard to row back from that.

I can only share that when I spiral I walk and walk and walk to move my mind elsewhere, I "listen" to podcasts or I watch my kids being happy and just sit on the floor with them. I have no idea if that's helpful as ideas you could try. I have no idea how I'd have coped having my first child in these times. It must have been so difficult. You're amazing because you have gone to work and your son went to nursery despite your fears.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time and keep asking for help.

Has any of the therapy helped you at all? If you had to say one or two things that have helped just a little, what would they be?

@Totallydefeated

I had CBT last year and it was aimed at helping my OCD.
It really did help. At one point I couldn’t even touch my own door handles through fear of Covid.😓

Even during lockdown when I didn’t go anywhere I would obsessively clean my house, sanitise my hands etc.

I’m so much better with that now.

So yes, some of the therapy has helped me.

Sounds rough, but you're getting help.

Covid killed my best friend.

@Tickly

I'm sorry you feel like this. Health anxiety is just awful and so debilitating 😩. Even when you know a statistic is unlikely it doesn't matter because there's always a risk. We have all been sold such a strong line in danger danger danger that it's hard to row back from that.

I can only share that when I spiral I walk and walk and walk to move my mind elsewhere, I "listen" to podcasts or I watch my kids being happy and just sit on the floor with them. I have no idea if that's helpful as ideas you could try. I have no idea how I'd have coped having my first child in these times. It must have been so difficult. You're amazing because you have gone to work and your son went to nursery despite your fears.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time and keep asking for help.

@Tickly

Thank you. ♥️

What you really need is time. You have health anxiety and it is awful and debilitating and feels like the worse thing on earth. If it wasn't covid it might well have been something else it's likely your pregnancy and associated tiredness and hormones that knocked you over the edge, covid is just the handle you've hung it all on.
Post pregnancy I developed OCD and was deathly afraid of fires. I had to take my iron and straighteners out with me wherever I went, I stayed up all night terrified that if I went to sleep there would be a fire.
THIS WILL PASS. It will be shit while it lasts but it will go I promise you.
Try to hang on to the fact that how ever anxious you get there is a point where it can't get past. You hit a peak of anxiety and it wanes. It feels awful but it can't hurt you.

@nukeitfromorbit

Ocd is awful isn’t it. Thanks for sharing what you went through. ♥️

I used to think I was going completely crazy with OCD, and, at one point, I couldn’t even tell my husband about it Incase he too thought I was crazy too.

Next time you feel crazy you can imagine me walking round with my iron in the bottom of my buggy like a nutter and remember you're ok!

Sadly the Government have petrified people into these irrational states of health anxiety. It is right be be cautious but the daily peddling of fear is manifesting a huge problem. I work in mental health and I am seeing a steady rise is Covid related anxiety. Please try to stick with the CBT and ask for DBT as well. Focus on the here and now and things you have control over. A meds review sounds appropriate x

Think about whether cbt is for you.

I'm not a professional and this is not medical advice: your issues sound too intense for cbt. Cbt doesn't address the causes of your state and I think that your issues might be too big for cbt (speaking from experience). I bet you had probs before since you mentioned you are morbidly obese. You could speak to someone and ask for other forms of therapy, e.g. therapy that tries to find out where your issues come from and maybe you could heal this way. Can you ask to be referred to a psychiatrist? Or can you afford private therapy?