Emotionally 'lost'

[TheMildManneredMilitant]

Anyone else just feel a bit emotionally untethered at the moment?

I'm starting to feel like I've been through a trauma but one that is really difficult to define and may not even be over. When I've coped with death and other trauma before I could draw from guidance and other experiences to help me name my emotions and recognise triggers but it's like there's just no reference point to draw on.

Yesterday I saw my dad for the first time in months. Instead of just being happy it was almost like it triggered some kind of grief- even though he is very much alive and there is no reason I couldn't see him every week if I wanted.

I also wonder whether there are many of us who just gritted our teeth and got on with it but who will fall apart once we start to return to normal.

Not sure what I'm after posting here but thought I may not be the only one who is a bit emotionally lost at sea.

I think I agree. I just feel weird, bit hopeless, unsure of what I want to happen, sad for my DC who have missed out on so much, and my DM who is very very old and has had a boring miserable year.

OP you feel like that because you have been through trauma

But, and I mean this kindly, you will get time to process because "normal" isn't coming back any time soon.

One of my friends went to see her mum this weekend and ended up crying on her shoulder for two hours!

As lockdown 1 and 2 eased I made plans to see people. This time I feel numb. I feel like people are behind a thick pane of glass. I have arranged some one to ones but with little enthusiasm and when we do meet I have nothing to say. I am usually quite extrovert but I feel utterly strange. The nearest I have felt this before was when I was bereaved and I couldn’t see the point of people. Perhaps not surprising after a year of nothing but long stressful hours at work in front of a screen and looking after kids.

You're not alone OP. I was trying to tell DH how I was feeling earlier but couldn't really explain it. Not depressed exactly, more like shell shocked our stunned. Never really know what to do with myself. In my case I have been shielding and was genuinely scared for over a year I was going to die, now I have had the vaccine it's almost like my brain doesn't know where to put all the extra anxiety.
I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that things will not be going back to normal yet for a long time, that this catastrophe will define my DC's childhoods and there is nothing I can do about what has been lost and taken from them.
I think untethered really is the right word. I wish I had the answers. One day at a time is the only way I get through.

StopSnowing "I feel like people are behind a thick pane of glass."

Yes. Like we are all in a soundproof glass booth and can't hear our loved ones.

I'm starting to feel like I've been through a trauma but one that is really difficult to define and may not even be over

Yes!! I am so glad to see this thread as I feel a bit like I am going mad. I have been feeling numb and bleak lately, amidst all the re-opening festivities and optimism that I just can't share. I know others must feel the same but somehow it feels like I am defective that I can't feel excited or optimistic about the future or the present. All my positive feelings are focused on the past, before the pandemic. I don't really trust anything, I suppose. And I feel deeply alienated by the behaviour of this government, which just adds to the feelings of sadness and numbness.

Me too.

I don't know who I am anymore - I used to love my job and was problem solver, trainee, friend to loads of people. Because we have to wear masks at work and for medical reasons I can't, I have been shut in an office alone since last spring doing whatever work they can find me which I can do in that location. I feel like I've been cut off from my actual family and my work family (we truly were really close) and feel like I'm useless and in the way.

At home my relationship with my son is different after spending so many months nagging him to do school work.

He and my husband don't really care about having to stay in as they are autistic and find socialising stressful.

I have a long term health condition which means walking is hard, so the only thing we were allowed to do out of the house was not pleasant but I felt guilty if my son didn't get any fresh air so forced myself.

I have plans to see people but get anxious and feel unwell beforehand, not look forward to it. No one is falling over themselves to see us, it hurts.

Just feel numb, exhausted, vague, fat, lethargic and miserable. The idea of having commitments outside the house is scary. Can't imagine ever enjoying an outing again to be honest.

Rhubarb "All my positive feelings are focused on the past,"

Did you watch Killing Eve by any chance? In my head, I keep seeing the bit where Villanelle asks Eve "do you think about the past?" And the way Eve says "all the time" so wistfully.

Luna Ah yes, I do remember that bit I think, now you mention it. Killing Eve is fab - first series was my fave, though.

I did have a weird premonition thing while I was out walking the autumn before the pandemic started, when I felt suddenly aware that I was experiencing one of the happiest time periods of my life and that I should make the most of it while I was in it. That has stayed with me and is partly why I feel so numb and lost now.

I can relate to this. I don't have any family apart from my husband and children and I feel so hollow this weekend seeing people starting to have dinner with their parents and siblings (even if it is in the garden) this weekend. I don't have any great reunion to look forward to. I have 3 young kids and the last year has absolutely taken it out of me. I'm knackered all the time and just have no energy. My relationship with my husband is strained and I have no energy to do anything about it. Friends have mentioned booking drinks/dinner outside and I just don't want to. I don't like sitting outside in the cold. I've had enough. I haven't booked a holiday because I can't bear to see it cancelled and all the worry beforehand. My husband has a big birthday coming up in the summer and I just can't be bothered to try and plan anything. Who knows what will be allowed by then and I can't be bothered to make plans and the tie myself in knots to undo them. I feel so flat, I really just want to be left alone and be on my own but that's never going to happen. Feels so depressing.

This is exactly how I feel. I can’t even happy about anything and feel traumatised but can’t put my finger on what’s wrong.

Me too. I’m sorry you are all finding it so hard. It is comforting to know I am not alone.

I feel so isolated and alone now. Not sure who I would reunite with, as so many friends have gradually stopped texting or replying to texts.

I feel so sorry and also so grateful I'm not alone in feeling like this and that so many of you are feeling the same. It's like as a country we have collective PTSD, in part because of all the gaslighting, changing goalposts, fear-based messaging and stop-start restrictions. I think everyone has just shut down mentally and socially/emotionally, because it's easier. At least it's predictable.

I've also avoided making holiday camping plans with friends because, what's the point? I don't feel like being social really, I have nothing to talk about and I'm not myself, and the plans will probably get cancelled anyway.
I don't feel depressed as such, this is different to depression.

Utterly discombobulated.

I honestly don't know which way is up. Im glad things are opening again but it scares me. Being back to normal, but not really is really unsettling me.

Last year saw me furloughed for three months. It felt like an extended holuday with DP and DD. Finances were a worry as DP was self employed. He gave up.his business of 15 years and now works for a firm.- this is a good thing, i just hope he keeps his job

My.job was secure, or so i thought but i found myself having to reapply for it and by some miracle i kept it, it was beyond stressfull.

The worst thing is that i lost my mum. She was 85 and had been poorly for some time and last year was HELL, fighting with medics and social services to get help for a frail old lady with serious mental health issues. No one would listen to me , she ended up in a nursing home so i couldn't go and see her. She was always asking for me, couldnt do zoom calls, could hardly talk to her and then she died. I didn't get to see her. I didnt get to tell her how much i loved her despite the wall id thrown up around myself because she was abusive and manipulative. I imagined that settling her in a nursing home was the answer, they'd look after her and shed get stronger, that this summer we'd be visiting and taking her for trips out for sunday lunch - total fantasy, she was a fucking nightmare. But she died thinking id abandoned her and didn't love her. I did love her, i lovedher so much but she didn't know. She was alone. Its killing me - she died suddenly and the next day i was unwell, yep, covid , i passed it on to my DP and Dd and how we got through Christmas i'll never know. People were kind, it helped.

My DD2 is year 11 and im worried about her mental health. GCSEs cancelled, replaced by constant assessment and its breaking her. Shes a good girl and works so hard, shes desperate to do A levels and has a conditional offer from school but she may not get required results. She is severely dyslexic so its hard for her as it is but shes pretty much had to teach herself , as have her peers.

My relationship with DD1 has improved thats a really good thing. She has mental health issues but is making forward steps. Long may it continue.

My work is in turmoil, total upheaval and i may have to leave. This stresses me out as its been my corberstone in what has been a stressfull few years.

I have resigned myself to taking ADs for life.

I had my 1st vaccine a week ago and i don't feel right since. Im not sure ill have the second. Im scared.

Thankyou if you have read this, im not sure if this is what the OP means but yes, i feel lost. I want my famuly to be ok want my mum back - the rest can go to hell

Thank you so much all for replying. I'm sorry you're all feeling this way too but at least I'm not alone.

Discombobulated is spot on. I'm usually quite self aware but I just don't know how to really process everything. Even after 2nd lockdown I was ok but now I worry that something is permanently broken.

In some way the effects feel the same way as previous trauma but it's difficult to name and process the emotions I'm feeling. It reminds me in some ways though of how I was after my mum died - while she was Ill I focused on what needed doing and it was only afterwards that I started really allowing myself to feel and grieve.

I’m so glad you started this thread OP as I feel exactly the same. I haven’t been shielding or particularly worried about covid so have been out and about as much as restrictions have enabled me to be and when the roadmap was announced I felt positive, however since things have started to ease I have felt numb and indifferent.

We saw family this weekend for Easter and it was lovely but the whole time I felt like I wasn’t really present, like I was looking in on my life. I do think we all have some form of PTSD this has been a huge thing to happen and o don’t think we have even begun to process the repercussions and long term mental health impact.

I also think the constant moving of goalposts and added conditions to “freedom” are making people lose hope as is the realization that even as things open up the “normal” we do desperately want back still feels a million miles away.

Really sorry to hear about your mum too Lem . See I feel like I fraud in a way because I haven't had to deal with the direct horrors of Covid, just all of the knock on effects.

Also feel detached, it's horrible

It's like as a country we have collective PTSD, in part because of all the gaslighting, changing goalposts, fear-based messaging and stop-start restrictions. I think everyone has just shut down mentally and socially/emotionally, because it's easier.

This is extremely well put.

I opened this thread because this was me back at the end of January. I can see the light at the end of the 'weird' tunnel now though. What flicked the switch was taking some control over 'wellbeing' (hate the word, but you'll know what I mean). I forced myself to do stuff that I knew was good for me - no news, fresh air, sleep, sex, reading and listening and watching only comedy. I think the key moment was chapter 1 of Adam Buxton's book. Just giggling at something stupid was a little moment of 'oh I feel normal'.

Hang in there everyone.

I completely identify with this. For me it's like I dont think I'm the same person anymore. Going into 2020 I had such a total and complete plan and knew who I was. I loved my job and my workmates and my home. I had my hen do, my partners stag early in the year , and then our wedding the end of April. Then we were off on a weeks mini moon at the fanciest hotel we had ever stayed at. Then we would spend our first summer as husband and wife before starting a 3 month agreed sabbatical from work to travel the world on our honeymoon. Finishing with xmas and our 30th birthdays before coming home in jan.

Well we had our hen and stags and then we went into lockdown. We are on our 5th wedding date now (hoping for late July) but feel no closer to getting married. So we then decided to make the most of the stamp duty holiday and move. I already felt a bit lost as all my plans had imploded and then just before xmas the unthinkable happened and an extremely close family member who was just 21 ended their life. A few days later we moved house as we had already exchanged contracts and were bound to complete that day. Since then I dont even feel real. I dont know how I got through moving day, I hadnt eaten or slept in a week. Through Jan, Feb and March i sat in this new house that didnt feel like home, my partner would go off to work whilst I worked from home alone, grieving and in a neighbourhood I dont even know. My work friends feel like a distant memory and I struggle to talk to other friends as I am now that person who's family member ended their life and it's such a weird kind of grief. I dont even know how this is my life anymore. Every now and then I stop and it hits me all over again that this person is gone and I'm never going to see them again, it isnt something that will be eventually 'lifted' like the coronavirus restrictions. They're gone.

14 months ago I had my whole life planned out and now it's gone and a lot of it isnt coming back. That wedding day I planned will never be the same, I wont travel, my home and neighbours and everything around me has changed, my family is broke n and broken hearted. I know so many people feel this way, it's nice to see on this thread that I am not alone

I was only wondering earlier if I have PTSD. I lost my dad at Christmas and feel like I am under water or in fog most of the time. Some days I'm ok but then it hits me that this is forever. I just want to be on my own all the time- I get no pleasure from anything, am indifferent to coming out of lockdown because I don't want to go out anyway. I talk to my family but that's it, I have shut everyone else out. People text about meeting up- how do I explain that I can quite 'happily' spend hours staring into space and I don't want to leave the house?!

I’m on the verge of calling it a day in my marriage. It’s never been perfect but the lockdowns have exacerbated things. I think the only thing holding me back is that I don’t feel like I’m quite in my right mind at the moment- like others have said, I’ve just shut down to get through all this. And now I’m torn between wondering if I’m about to fuck things up forever because of some weird Covid ptsd type reaction, and also not being able to stand it anymore. Normal is taking so long to come back, I’m having to shut myself down more and more in order to keep hanging on for it.

I just feel dead inside really.

to everyone

Same

I've been feeling like this too

I also saw my dad and my dsis and nieces (they're a bubble so 1 household) this weekend and I loved it but I also cried and felt really emotionally drained afterwards.

I usually like my job but lately I feel 'what's the point' about everything. There's so much needs doing at home but I had a week off and did bugger all. I just wanted to stay in bed. I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything.

I lost my mum last year in the midst of COVID which was horrible, my job has been insanely stressful with a COVID outbreak on my ward, worried all the time about giving it to patients, new guidelines every 10 minutes, I had COVID myself, had to homeschool kids plus not having my usual coping things like gym, yoga class, holidays, friends. It's been traumatic this last year. It really really has.

I feel like these experiences have changed me and I can't go back.
I want to move away from this house and this area. I'm not feeling there's much keeping me here anymore. I feel like I need a big change but I don't know what.