Emotionally 'lost'

[TheMildManneredMilitant]

Anyone else just feel a bit emotionally untethered at the moment?

I'm starting to feel like I've been through a trauma but one that is really difficult to define and may not even be over. When I've coped with death and other trauma before I could draw from guidance and other experiences to help me name my emotions and recognise triggers but it's like there's just no reference point to draw on.

Yesterday I saw my dad for the first time in months. Instead of just being happy it was almost like it triggered some kind of grief- even though he is very much alive and there is no reason I couldn't see him every week if I wanted.

I also wonder whether there are many of us who just gritted our teeth and got on with it but who will fall apart once we start to return to normal.

Not sure what I'm after posting here but thought I may not be the only one who is a bit emotionally lost at sea.

Same here too. It’s strange because I loved the first lockdown - I thrived. Threw myself into healthy, productive, wholesome things. Meditation, exercise, creative hobbies... I loved it. The second lockdown was ok - I gave up drinking and joined some healthy online clubs. But this lockdown I’ve just slumped. Not drinking still, but just watching TV, feeling snappy and disinterested in things, really lonely but not wanting to contact anyone, and - terrifyingly - having idle thoughts about suicide that I’ve never had before. Sometimes I think I’m slowly going a bit mad. I’m not looking forward to restrictions being eased snd I don’t know why not.

for everyone.
This is a good thread.
I feel like I want to move and make a whole new set of friends, but I doubt I will. I have completely lost my confidence, and gone from having lots of friends and being popular/ outgoing to feeling alone, unloved, boring. We more or less obeyed all the rules whereas our close friendship group pretty much didn't, and all hung out together. It's shifted the dynamics of our friendships and I feel very alone and resentful. I miss my work colleagues and my routine, I hate working from home. I've been diagnosed with a chronic health condition which I think has been partly brought on by stress and no one seems to care. I feel like nothing will ever be fun again and can't see the point of anything.

ThatOtherPoster Maybe look into talking therapy/talk to your GP? It’s really important you take extra care of yourself right now.

Tonnes of and and for everyone. It’s so strange and so unsettling, I feel dislocated and don’t even know what to hope for. But. Vaccines are working. Things will recover. And so will we.

Hold on everyone x

I just started a thread around this although not as well worded this is just it...how I feel. And I’m utterly exhausted by it and feel so bad as seems such a first world problem I feel like through a business lense clients are trying to carry on as normal but it’s strange .. just glad the kids are at school and it’s a little normal for them.

I could cope with the first 2
lockdowns much better than this one. I was trying to be positive then but I can't seem to manage it any more.

The disappointment of cancelled Christmas was a big thing for me. The first one without my mum. I think after that I felt I should not allow myself to hope any more or make any plans because I couldn't cope with the disappointment

Also the 1 year anniversary made me think how naive I was then. I had no idea how bad things would get or how long they'd go on. That reinforces my feeling that I should not hope as I'll just be wrong again.

I hope no one else recognises what I am about to say

I have a very acute sense of being at the end of my life. I'm 45.

Normally my instincts are pretty good.

I could easily have a heart attack or something - one side of the family dies young but that's more like 50s, i think only my grandfather died in his 40s - and I don't even mind.

If I stop and think, I don't actually want to die. It's just I think it will happen soon.

I obviously can't prove that I wouldn't have this feeling without lockdown but somehow I feel they are linked.

I was starting to think things were getting a bit more normal, we have plans for a Uk break in July and DD has signed up for an NCS programme. I thought things were more optimistic and now have just read that SAGE say we could have a third wave worse than the January peak. It's just so up and down and you don't really know what could happen. I feel out of sorts, really haven't been myself and said some things to my manager that I wouldn't ordinarily say and now think I have put myself in a precarious situation at work. Was looking for other opportunities in the NHS but now worried about covid risk etc. Feel like I can't make any plans at all. Sorry so many are having a bad time.

Thank you for this post OP, and to so many of you on thread who have articulated so well what so many of are feeling and trying to cope with.

I agree with the statements that it's like our loved ones behind a plate of glass, and PTSD gaslighting and other emotions from ongoing trauma and numbing ourselves and shutting out feelings, fear, anger, joy, hope and also with people and life outside in general in order to cope. Their is a mixture of grief but with ptsd, but also our minds have flattened our emotional affect so as not fully break down with the overwhelming stress, sadness, fear, hopelessness and depression.

There is also a thing called anticipatory grief. When you grieve for someone when they are still alive, such as losing someone over many years to a slow progressing illness like MS, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, Cancer etc. I also feel like that is kind of similar to what this is.

We must all be dealing with so many different types of extremely destructive and ongoing psychological and social effects. No wonder we can't quite put our finger on it or truly articulate EXACTLY what we are going through and how it is making us feel and behave. I am sure I am not alone in believing I am not the same person I was before.

Hand hold and love to you all. xx

Link on anticipatory grief and covid pandemic;
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-anticipatory-grief-may-show-up-during-the-covid-19-outbreak

Interesting read, on why the pandemic is a traumatic stressor causing pstd like problems...
journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0240146

It’s a bit like Complex PTSD

Yes definitely feeling lost. What a good way to describe it.

I had a really full life before all this. I had 2 small part time jobs, a couple of voluntary positions, ran my 4 kids to lots of clubs and had a good social life with DH and my friends. I loved people and chatting and getting my diary full and was always on the go.

This year has seen me furloughed from both my jobs and voluntary stuff put on hold, clubs for the kids all closed, zero social life. I've gone from 60-0 in a flash.

I've also always been germaphobic which was kept under control because I knew it was irrational and only my problem. Now virus talk is everywhere and lots of people have turned into how I was before. It's like my irrational fear has now been validated. I'm much worse than I was before and I'm not sure I can go back easily.

I'm sad that my DC have missed out so much especially my 17 year old that had her GCSE's pulled from under her last year and been stuck in and my youngest who starts schools in September. I feel as if my last year with a toddler at home has been cruelly snatched away. She doesn't recognise her Aunts and Uncles and has missed out on all the fun stuff kids her age do. I feel like I'm failing them even if it's all out of my control.

Neither me or DH have lost our jobs, no one close to us have died and we've coped but I feel traumatised. DH doesn't understand at all. Thinking back to the beginning of it all last year fills me with panic.

I'm not sure I'll come out of this unscathed and think the worst is yet to come for me when we start to get back to normal.

I can also resonate with the comments on this thread. I actually can't even write about how I feel.

Oh god yes. ‘At sea’ is a very good description.
And so much more, as described by others.

I feel simultaneously overwhelmed and numb. Grateful to have a job to give some structure to my days but also struggling with the responsibility of it.

My family are in another country in the EU - I have no idea when I will be able to visit them again and the uncertainty is doing my head in. I anticipate when I am able to visit I will cry my eyes out repeatedly / become a bit of a wreck as I start to decompress from it all.

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
It’s been a bloody hard year. for everyone xx

Yes, agree. I felt like we were doing quite well as a family during lockdown (me, DH and 2 x DC) but as we are coming out of lockdown I'm wondering what there is for us.
My work is no different to a year ago but has started making me anxious as I'm overly thinking of work when I'm not working (which didn't happen before), and Easter weekend DH and me have realised that while everyone seems to be seeing people (gardens/outdoors) no one seems to want to see us. We made suggestions but everyone seems to be sorted without us. Feel a bit left behind.
We had friends before - granted, one family we are avoiding because they have become crazily obsessed with anti-vax/anti-lockdown/it's all's hoax - think 10-15 social media posts a day telling everyone what they think of them for following caution, that I can't face seeing them, BUT we had other friends. Now we're just not sure what normal life will look like! It looks very different, everything has changed.

Another who agrees with lots of pp comments. I managed ok up until a couple of months ago and have gradually felt my enthusiasm for anything at all dwindle. My emotions are really up and down too. Fly off the handle very easily and at other times feel suddenly feel very sad.

I am so very sorry for your loss @LEMtheoriginal

I can relate somewhat, I struggled to get help with my own Mum when she was suffering extreme mental health problems and was frail with multiple illnesses. I didn't lose her during pandemic time though, she ended up in long stay mental hospital for her last years. She also got Cancer on top of this and died from that young, she was only in her early fifties.

My brother however is currently in a nursing home (also after years spent in mental hospital.) he has a progressive illness like ones I mentioned above. I have not been able to visit him throughout the pandemic, and he is too far gone with dementia and motor functions to hold a conversation, or be able to get through a video call. It's really hard on top of everything else.

Be gentle with yourself. I hope your Husband and family are being supportive of you. I hope that you hold some happier memories dear and not holding on too much to the bad times. You need to let go of some of the guilt you feel. These things were completely out of your control. And as complicated your relationship had been, of course she knew you loved her. Yes even in the end. A Mother and Daughter's love is forever. None of it was your fault.

Reach out here anytime for support. There are also great websites, support groups and helplines, for more in depth and continued support and advice talking with people who have been through similar experiences to you.

Sending you much love and strength. ❤️ xx

*I hope no one else recognises what I am about to say

I have a very acute sense of being at the end of my life. I'm 45.

Normally my instincts are pretty good.

I could easily have a heart attack or something - one side of the family dies young but that's more like 50s, i think only my grandfather died in his 40s - and I don't even mind.

If I stop and think, I don't actually want to die. It's just I think it will happen soon.

I obviously can't prove that I wouldn't have this feeling without lockdown but somehow I feel they are linked*

That's weird - I've got that. I wouldn't say mine is "acute", like yours, pp, but it's definitely there. The daft thing is that I've sailed through this last year, and I honestly thought that it hadn't bothered me too much ... but maybe it has.

... ah, I think the bolding doesn't work if there are spaces in what one's quoting.

Sorry for your loss @CovoidOfAllHumanity

Sending you my love and condolences. Thank you for all that you have done on your ward. I cannot begin to imagine the stress there. Warrior.

Respect.

Hugs xx

I think people need to be careful not to diagnose themselves with PTSD. PTSD is a serious disability that involves symptoms such as flashbacks, dissociation, nightmares, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, aggression, trembling and sweating. Sometimes psychosis.

It’s normal to feel weird when you experience stress, trauma and depression but it’s not the same thing as having a disability or disorder. For most people this covid discombobulation will be temporary but PTSD is lifelong.

It’s tough at the moment but it will get better

Thank you BensonStabler I am sorry you lost your mum so young. Mine at least was a good age and it was her time, if that makes sense.

I think i agree with the poster who squs we shouldn't rush to payhologise (is that even a word?) Our feelings. It almost gives it too much power and takes away our ability to recocer. However, i believe that very few people will come out of this mentally unscathed.

I cannot trust the government to do the right thing due to the horrible indecisive, almost dismissive attitude at the begining when decisive action could have spared so many lives. Would that have meant we would be back to "normal" by now? I very much doubt it, it was/is a worldwide thing and we should be working together. Instead it feels like its every man for himself in teems of vaccines etc.

The world has changed, values have changed. I can't get excited about shops and restaurants opening. Ive lived without these things for a year, ive realised i don't need them. Ive never been very social and like others, no one rushing to spend time in our back garden. We have seen dd2 and sil once since Christmas that we didn't spend together. The only other time was mum's funeral.

Thank you for this thread OP, i think its good to recognise that even those of us that havent suffered directly due to covid, and im so very sorry for those who have, are deeply affected by the last year.

It feels like one of those dreams when one is stuck in a corridor, you are moving towards the exit but the door keeps moving away and you can never reach it.

We will though, it will be a memory

I can relate to the feeling discombobulated and being all at sea.

Strangely dh and I are different to others in that when everyone else was enjoying the first lockdown, we found it absolutely hellish. By the most recent one I think we'd adjusted. Certainly I'd almost grieved for the way of life that was no longer.

Before all of this I think most of us knew where we stood with things. We knew how to behave. Many of us probably had a busy schedule of work, dc with extra curricular activities, seeing family/friends, hobbies.

Now everything is uncertain, we don't really know for sure what things will look like this time next year and we all have different ways of coping. I've gone quite numb to it all. If I think to hard about how life was it's very upsetting.

all round.

My two bits to input are:

1. I think it is entirely understandable to feel upset after the year we have been through. It has been shite. It has been really really shite for some people (bereavements, health issues, job or home loss etc.) and then for the rest it has been less specifically shite but just generally shite nonetheless
2. It isn't sign of a mental health issue/condition that needs treatment to feel upset after a very shite time. I worry there is going to be too much pressur eto either be 'fine' or get diagnosed.

When I compare to other years in my life I feel less upbeat/secure than at other times. I think that is to be expected and I am sure I will feel better when/if there has been a more extended/reliable period of better news.

I think quite a lot of people are feeling like this OP but to varying degrees depending on circumstances. For me the hardest part is despite the constant promises that normality will return I am feeling less certain that it will be the same normal as before. I wonder what kind of life this will be for my DC. It's also the loss of personal freedoms and being able to decide on a whim to go away for a weekend or booking to go to a theatre or making plans for holidays. Everything is joyless, frustrating and fraught with rules, masks, queuing and gungey sanitiser. I think I'm worn down and fed up for being glass half full and pissed off with having to be so grateful to have permission to speak to another human in my own garden or at being 'allowed' to have a haircut next week. The constant rollercoaster of hope and then more bad news cycles is just soul destroying.

Thank you for this thread. It’s helpful to feel less alone. I empathise with a lot of what’s been said. I haven’t lost anyone to Covid so do feel like a “fraud” that I have still found the last year very hard. I had just found out I was pregnant when the first lockdown was announced. It was very frightening not knowing how COVID could affect the baby etc, suddenly told pregnancy makes you vulnerable and having to work from home. Covid restrictions for scans - going alone etc - were horrible. My parents were shielding so I stopped seeing them and lost my support overnight. I gave birth in the November lockdown. I have a 2 year old too and my husband has been wonderful. My baby is almost 5 months old and he’s gorgeous and healthy so I feel like I “should” feel fine. But it has been so isolating. I’m not sure what to do with myself any more. I have no hobbies left and feel stuck. I’m sure my current tiredness from baby and toddler doesn’t help. And most of my family and (few) friends have never met my baby. I find it heartbreaking but most of them don’t seem bothered. And that just makes it harder.

@LunaHeather

I hope no one else recognises what I am about to say

I have a very acute sense of being at the end of my life. I'm 45.

Normally my instincts are pretty good.

I could easily have a heart attack or something - one side of the family dies young but that's more like 50s, i think only my grandfather died in his 40s - and I don't even mind.

If I stop and think, I don't actually want to die. It's just I think it will happen soon.

I obviously can't prove that I wouldn't have this feeling without lockdown but somehow I feel they are linked.

Yes.

I do feel like that and it's grown slowly over the course of the past year. I've had so many dreams over that time especially more recently, where we're suddenly at war and I know with utter certainty I'm about to die, dreams of tidal waves I know I can't out-run and even one dream where I was seeing my own body had to bury myself (!) and I was too scared to do it. So so many, and I never dream these things normally.

I've had to make my peace with the fact that you never know when your time is coming. If I didn't have a child I wouldn't be worried about dying at all, I don't really care anymore and that makes me sad.