Emotionally 'lost'

[TheMildManneredMilitant]

Anyone else just feel a bit emotionally untethered at the moment?

I'm starting to feel like I've been through a trauma but one that is really difficult to define and may not even be over. When I've coped with death and other trauma before I could draw from guidance and other experiences to help me name my emotions and recognise triggers but it's like there's just no reference point to draw on.

Yesterday I saw my dad for the first time in months. Instead of just being happy it was almost like it triggered some kind of grief- even though he is very much alive and there is no reason I couldn't see him every week if I wanted.

I also wonder whether there are many of us who just gritted our teeth and got on with it but who will fall apart once we start to return to normal.

Not sure what I'm after posting here but thought I may not be the only one who is a bit emotionally lost at sea.

Thank you for this thread, it’s comforting to know others feel similar, sad that others are feeling that too though.
I also feel very strange, very flat, not quite with it. We met up with friends on Easter Sunday and it did make me feel better but also a bit empty 🤷🏻‍♀️I felt like a boring person, like I didn’t really have anything to say, everything just felt meh with no enjoyment.
I’ve also been dreaming a lot lately, has anyone else, I’ve been dreaming about my past/childhood home, family and old friends a lot (I’m abroad and just desperate to get back) I woke this morning feeling really strange, almost like my life would be over soon as a pp said, which obviously made me so anxious to be thinking this, why am I having these thoughts

It's such an unnatural thing for us all to have gone through isn't it? For me, I feel ssd for the deaths obviously. But also shocked (and a bit horrified) at how far the governments have overstepped in trying to deal with it. I'm not sure locking the healthy away for a year was sensible, or particularly successful (other countries had more traditional, moderate measures and deaths no different to ours, per capita) I wish a risk/benefit analysis had been done on this. I now feel a type of grief for the world I lost to suddenly, and might never get back. I made the decision to not stop seeing my family once numbers were low. Because I knew mental health to be just as important as physical health. But others haven't. We are now beginning to see the huge collateral human cost of quarantining of the healthy. It many ways, it is a form of mental torture. I know so many who have sadly taken their own lives. I guess we just need to be kind to ourselves and take each day at a time and hope for the best. I have found trying to regain perspective has helped as there is a lot of fear going on which wears everyone down. Look at how many people die from all causes every day. Remember the covid survival rate is ave. 99.7%. And the sector of the population who make up 99% of deaths are already vaccinated. Somehow it makes the situation look a little less terrifying. One way or another, we have to get on with it.

I agree with you @loustew12

pleaseloveme

I do believe things will get better. Hold on tight.

Agree @Loustew12

@Putthebiglighton

Thank you for this thread, it’s comforting to know others feel similar, sad that others are feeling that too though. I also feel very strange, very flat, not quite with it. We met up with friends on Easter Sunday and it did make me feel better but also a bit empty 🤷🏻‍♀️I felt like a boring person, like I didn’t really have anything to say, everything just felt meh with no enjoyment. I’ve also been dreaming a lot lately, has anyone else, I’ve been dreaming about my past/childhood home, family and old friends a lot (I’m abroad and just desperate to get back) I woke this morning feeling really strange, almost like my life would be over soon as a pp said, which obviously made me so anxious to be thinking this, why am I having these thoughts

Oh my goodness, yes @Putthebiglighton - I have been dreaming so much over the past year. Some bad ones about war and tsunami etc etc as mentioned upthread, but also loads where I am revisiting places I have lived during my life or places I loved very much - one was a friends house I was deeply attached to as a child and in the dream I was crying my eyes out and saying goodbye to it, and all of them were pretty similar.

Hard not to get paranoid after a lot of such dreams. I also had a strong intuition I needed to travel abroad in 2019 to meet long lost family, which I'm happy to say I did manage to do. When I questioned the particular urgency, I just kept feeling 'I need to go, before...' but wasn't clear on before what. i just knew I needed to get it done when I did. I am so glad now about that. When the relatives promised to visit me in return in 2020 or talked about me coming out there again, I just had this plastic fake feeling of 'nah, not going to happen' but again didn't really know why.
It's interesting hearing others have had similar experiences.

Feel similar here.
I was talking about it with a friend recently and we agreed that it's important to remember we are living through a pandemic.
It is understandable to feel utterly discombobulated at times, it is very stressful, no clear end in sight, and there's nowhere you can go to escape, it's international.

@Stopsnowing

As lockdown 1 and 2 eased I made plans to see people. This time I feel numb. I feel like people are behind a thick pane of glass. I have arranged some one to ones but with little enthusiasm and when we do meet I have nothing to say. I am usually quite extrovert but I feel utterly strange. The nearest I have felt this before was when I was bereaved and I couldn’t see the point of people. Perhaps not surprising after a year of nothing but long stressful hours at work in front of a screen and looking after kids.

This is a bit how I feel. Drove for an hour today to sit in an old friend's garden. I felt socially awkward and the conversation was almost polite. No one has much to tell. It will come back. But meanwhile, I know pubs have opened and we can have people over but I haven't invited anyone. Just not felt the urge to party at all.

@TheMildManneredMilitant

Anyone else just feel a bit emotionally untethered at the moment?

I'm starting to feel like I've been through a trauma but one that is really difficult to define and may not even be over. When I've coped with death and other trauma before I could draw from guidance and other experiences to help me name my emotions and recognise triggers but it's like there's just no reference point to draw on.

Yesterday I saw my dad for the first time in months. Instead of just being happy it was almost like it triggered some kind of grief- even though he is very much alive and there is no reason I couldn't see him every week if I wanted.

I also wonder whether there are many of us who just gritted our teeth and got on with it but who will fall apart once we start to return to normal.

Not sure what I'm after posting here but thought I may not be the only one who is a bit emotionally lost at sea.

Totally. Also saw my dad for the first time in months last week. For some unknown reason I sobbed after he left!? Weird. Cant even say why I was crying. Feel very weird these last 2 days - like on the edge of tears and in a daze. Exactly like you say. Cant put my finger on it

I’m yet another one saying thank you for this thread OP and thank you to everyone who has shared their feelings. This is exactly what I need right now - to know that I’m not alone in struggling emotionally at the moment.

I haven't been dreaming so much as reliving the past. I went by my childhood home the other day which I do fairly frequently without giving it a second thought but all at once I felt like I was 16 again and could walk in and my mum dad and sister would all be there doing normal stuff. It was quite upsetting.

@TheMildManneredMilitant 😪Yes, I’ve started to think about my past life quite a lot and my family, it’s quite strange, why do you think we’re doing this? A yearning to be back there? I’m not sure

I think what differentiates this situation from other difficult periods in our lives is that there is no normal life going on elsewhere - at least not in our own country - than we can draw strength from, aspire or try to join in with or distract ourselves with. And normally if a person went through something traumatic, like a bereavement, divorce, diagnosis of cancer or something like that, they could rely on friends and families to shore them up, they would to a certain extent be the 'centre of attention' (in a good way). But because we are ALL in this soup, its very indifferentated and we are all just about managing to keep going and don't seem to have as much to give to one another. Ive had friends lose their parents and it's like 'oh that's sad' but definitely they are not getting nearly the attention they need or deserve.

@LEMtheoriginal

Utterly discombobulated.

I honestly don't know which way is up. Im glad things are opening again but it scares me. Being back to normal, but not really is really unsettling me.

Last year saw me furloughed for three months. It felt like an extended holuday with DP and DD. Finances were a worry as DP was self employed. He gave up.his business of 15 years and now works for a firm.- this is a good thing, i just hope he keeps his job

My.job was secure, or so i thought but i found myself having to reapply for it and by some miracle i kept it, it was beyond stressfull.

The worst thing is that i lost my mum. She was 85 and had been poorly for some time and last year was HELL, fighting with medics and social services to get help for a frail old lady with serious mental health issues. No one would listen to me , she ended up in a nursing home so i couldn't go and see her. She was always asking for me, couldnt do zoom calls, could hardly talk to her and then she died. I didn't get to see her. I didnt get to tell her how much i loved her despite the wall id thrown up around myself because she was abusive and manipulative. I imagined that settling her in a nursing home was the answer, they'd look after her and shed get stronger, that this summer we'd be visiting and taking her for trips out for sunday lunch - total fantasy, she was a fucking nightmare. But she died thinking id abandoned her and didn't love her. I did love her, i lovedher so much but she didn't know. She was alone. Its killing me - she died suddenly and the next day i was unwell, yep, covid , i passed it on to my DP and Dd and how we got through Christmas i'll never know. People were kind, it helped.

My DD2 is year 11 and im worried about her mental health. GCSEs cancelled, replaced by constant assessment and its breaking her. Shes a good girl and works so hard, shes desperate to do A levels and has a conditional offer from school but she may not get required results. She is severely dyslexic so its hard for her as it is but shes pretty much had to teach herself , as have her peers.

My relationship with DD1 has improved thats a really good thing. She has mental health issues but is making forward steps. Long may it continue.

My work is in turmoil, total upheaval and i may have to leave. This stresses me out as its been my corberstone in what has been a stressfull few years.

I have resigned myself to taking ADs for life.

I had my 1st vaccine a week ago and i don't feel right since. Im not sure ill have the second. Im scared.

Thankyou if you have read this, im not sure if this is what the OP means but yes, i feel lost. I want my famuly to be ok want my mum back - the rest can go to hell

Such a heartbreaking post. You’ve been through such a lot. 💐 I hope things get better for you soon.

Yeah I know what you mean about the pervasiveness of it all. I remember gong through a breakup and desperately envying the people wandering happily around Tesco because they were content and not in terrible emotional pain. I almost hated them for it.

There is nowhere to imagine yourself right now, even living somewhere like NZ you'd still be trapped there and sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And that is a very tough feeling to withstand. I think it's probably the inescapable nature of things that is leading to so many mental health crises and suicides. I keep telling myself in my very darkest moments of despair that even if it takes 6 or 7 years from now, (God I hope not) we will get through this eventually, and all things pass away in time. But I miss my old life very badly and I think I can't go back, in the same way that you can be happy again after a breakup but you can't ever be with that person again; that ship has sailed.

@RhubarbTea 6 or 7 years?! Why

[quote Putthebiglighton]@RhubarbTea 6 or 7 years?! Why[/quote]
It's my own personal worst case scenario that I think about. I'm really hopeful it will be over a lot faster than that!

My memory is shot to shit

My mother can't remember anything much for up to a year after my dad died. I am similar now. If someone asked me what I watched on TV or what I had for dinner last night, I don't know.

I have to write down tiny tasks or they wouldn't be done. I'm probably a bit OTT in terms of cleanliness but my home is a mess now.

@lemtheoriginal 💛

I was talking about it with a friend recently and we agreed that it's important to remember we are living through a pandemic.
It is understandable to feel utterly discombobulated at times, it is very stressful, no clear end in sight, and there's nowhere you can go to escape

I said something very similar to friends this afternoon.

Friends I hadn't seen in months, conversation was stilted. Hopefully it'll come back.

I feel emotionally devastated, and very shut down.

I am also dwelling on the past a lot. Feeling sad and lost and disorientated. Many people are desperate to see their families but I fell out with my mother just before lockdown and have no desire to see her. Siblings have not been in touch or any support after the first few months.
Other difficult family dynamics as well caused
by the strain of lockdown. I feel utterly worn out.
The debate over whether or not to have the vaccine has felt as polarising as Brexit.
I too feel like normal life is gone for good. When I do finally get away on holiday all I want to do is sleep.

I also don't want to be anyone's burden. There is one friend who can help but she is helping several people and I don't want to lose her by putting too much pressure on her.

Odd post after my last one

Also, I'm a late person and there's not even MNers to chat to at 1am these days.

LunaHeather I'm here xx